Sunday, April 12, 2009
Blog Move
With the recent publication of my book, I am consolidating blogs under the new title "Taking Sexy Back". Please click here to visit my new blog!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Women's Sex Mistakes cont.'
Sex Mistake #5: (From LifeScript)
Overreacting when he suggests something new
Most of us do the same thing day in and day out. And whether it’s in the bedroom or the boardroom, routine can get boring. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spice up your love life. Men like looking at, trying out and experimenting with new things; there’s nothing sinister about it. Suggesting something new is not an implied criticism of you. It’s just a simple craving for variety. The best part is that he wants to try it with you.
Overreacting when he suggests something new
Most of us do the same thing day in and day out. And whether it’s in the bedroom or the boardroom, routine can get boring. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spice up your love life. Men like looking at, trying out and experimenting with new things; there’s nothing sinister about it. Suggesting something new is not an implied criticism of you. It’s just a simple craving for variety. The best part is that he wants to try it with you.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Women's Sex Mistakes cont.'
Sex Mistake #4: (From LifeScript)
Not giving him any guidance
Pleasing a woman is no easy task. So help him out! Give him explicit directions – when, where, how hard, how fast, and more.If you’re too embarrassed to cue him verbally, find another way. For example, if you’re watching a sex scene in a movie, say something like, “That’s a good move” or “That doesn’t do it for me.” Or bookmark pages in a sex book and ask him to read them. Or let out a moan when he does something that pleases you. Because when it comes to sex, communication is key.
Not giving him any guidance
Pleasing a woman is no easy task. So help him out! Give him explicit directions – when, where, how hard, how fast, and more.If you’re too embarrassed to cue him verbally, find another way. For example, if you’re watching a sex scene in a movie, say something like, “That’s a good move” or “That doesn’t do it for me.” Or bookmark pages in a sex book and ask him to read them. Or let out a moan when he does something that pleases you. Because when it comes to sex, communication is key.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Women's Sex Mistakes cont.'
Sex Mistake #3: (From LifeScript)
Obsessing about your body
So the numbers on the scale aren’t what you’d like them to be. Putting on weight is no excuse for avoiding sex. Or maybe you’re fine with your weight but there’s some other figure flaw you’re fixating on. Guess what? If he wants to have sex with you, he thinks you’re sexy. If your self-image is hindering your sex life, consult a therapist, join a support group or read a self-help book.
Obsessing about your body
So the numbers on the scale aren’t what you’d like them to be. Putting on weight is no excuse for avoiding sex. Or maybe you’re fine with your weight but there’s some other figure flaw you’re fixating on. Guess what? If he wants to have sex with you, he thinks you’re sexy. If your self-image is hindering your sex life, consult a therapist, join a support group or read a self-help book.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Women's Sex Mistakes cont'.
Sex Mistake #2: (From LifeScript)
Thinking sex ends when he climaxes
Just because he’s been fulfilled doesn’t mean you’ve been. Let him know you’re not done yet; help him find other ways to finish the job using his hands or mouth. If he’s consistently too wiped out to give you the attention you deserve, plan to have your needs met before his next time.
The ideal of partners reaching orgasm simultaneously is an unrealistic goal. Sometimes it happens - and that's great - but having it as an expectation can set you up for disappointment and leave one of you unsatisfied. Incorporate strategies into your lovemaking that allow for differences in your arousal timetables.
Thinking sex ends when he climaxes
Just because he’s been fulfilled doesn’t mean you’ve been. Let him know you’re not done yet; help him find other ways to finish the job using his hands or mouth. If he’s consistently too wiped out to give you the attention you deserve, plan to have your needs met before his next time.
The ideal of partners reaching orgasm simultaneously is an unrealistic goal. Sometimes it happens - and that's great - but having it as an expectation can set you up for disappointment and leave one of you unsatisfied. Incorporate strategies into your lovemaking that allow for differences in your arousal timetables.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Women's Sex Mistakes
It's not just men who are prone to fumbles in the bedroom. This week I'll cover some common sexual blunders that women make.
Sex Mistake #1: (From LifeScript)
Assuming he’s always up for sex
This might hold true for teenage boys, but not necessarily for men. Once males hit their mid-20s, a whole lot of things are competing for their energy. Pressures of work, bills and everyday life can put a major damper on his libido. “He’s not like a vibrator,” as Cox puts it. “You can’t just plug him in and expect him to perform on cue.” That doesn’t mean he doesn’t desire you anymore. He just truly may not be in the mood.
Sex Mistake #1: (From LifeScript)
Assuming he’s always up for sex
This might hold true for teenage boys, but not necessarily for men. Once males hit their mid-20s, a whole lot of things are competing for their energy. Pressures of work, bills and everyday life can put a major damper on his libido. “He’s not like a vibrator,” as Cox puts it. “You can’t just plug him in and expect him to perform on cue.” That doesn’t mean he doesn’t desire you anymore. He just truly may not be in the mood.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Men's Sex Mistakes cont.
Sex Mistake #6 (from WebMD)
A lot of guys think they should be silent during sex - but unless you speak up, your partner has to guess what's doing it for you and what isn't. If you're respectful about it, a woman who wants to please you will probably appreciate some directions.
That doesn't mean you have to give step-by-step instructions, but making gentle suggestions and letting her know how you like it is a very useful conversation to have.
I'm headed to the beach for a much-needed vacation with my husband, so I'll be taking a break from posting for the next week. I'll be back on April 6th and will be talking about women's sex mistakes.
A lot of guys think they should be silent during sex - but unless you speak up, your partner has to guess what's doing it for you and what isn't. If you're respectful about it, a woman who wants to please you will probably appreciate some directions.
That doesn't mean you have to give step-by-step instructions, but making gentle suggestions and letting her know how you like it is a very useful conversation to have.
I'm headed to the beach for a much-needed vacation with my husband, so I'll be taking a break from posting for the next week. I'll be back on April 6th and will be talking about women's sex mistakes.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Men's Sex Mistakes cont.
Sex Mistake #5 (from WebMD)
Men often make the assumption that if a woman is turned on, she's wet. Not necessarily. Some women tend to get wetter than others, and how much natural lubrication a woman has can change from day to day. So a woman can be aroused without getting slippery enough for easy penetration. It's a mistake for guys to get hung up about it. The flip side also occurs - a woman can be wet but not feel aroused or ready for intercourse.
Bottomline, if you're relying solely on vaginal wetness to determine whether your partner is turned on and ready to get it on, you can be easily misled. It's another reason why it's important to be tuned in on multiple levels and to communicate.
Men often make the assumption that if a woman is turned on, she's wet. Not necessarily. Some women tend to get wetter than others, and how much natural lubrication a woman has can change from day to day. So a woman can be aroused without getting slippery enough for easy penetration. It's a mistake for guys to get hung up about it. The flip side also occurs - a woman can be wet but not feel aroused or ready for intercourse.
Bottomline, if you're relying solely on vaginal wetness to determine whether your partner is turned on and ready to get it on, you can be easily misled. It's another reason why it's important to be tuned in on multiple levels and to communicate.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Men's Sex Mistakes cont.
Sex Mistake #4 (from WebMD)
Lack of familiarity with the clitoris can lead to signficant sexual mistakes. Most guys know generally what a clitoris is and where to find it, but that doesn't mean they really understand it.
More than 30 years ago, at the start of the sexual revolution, the best-selling book, The Joy of Sex, stressed the orgasmic importance of the clitoris. But the belief that women should be able to orgasm from vaginal penetration alone stubbornly persists. For a great number of women, it's not going to happen that way.
Men also lack information about how to touch the clitoris and how sensitive it is. A touch that's bliss for one woman may feel like nothing special or may even be painful for someone else. Some prefer indirect stimulation. The only way to know is to explore and ask.
Lack of familiarity with the clitoris can lead to signficant sexual mistakes. Most guys know generally what a clitoris is and where to find it, but that doesn't mean they really understand it.
More than 30 years ago, at the start of the sexual revolution, the best-selling book, The Joy of Sex, stressed the orgasmic importance of the clitoris. But the belief that women should be able to orgasm from vaginal penetration alone stubbornly persists. For a great number of women, it's not going to happen that way.
Men also lack information about how to touch the clitoris and how sensitive it is. A touch that's bliss for one woman may feel like nothing special or may even be painful for someone else. Some prefer indirect stimulation. The only way to know is to explore and ask.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Men's Sex Mistakes Cont.
Mistake #3 (From WebMD)
Men and women approach sex very differently, and there's often a big disconnect between the sexes in terms of what feels good. Paget, author of The Great Lover Playbook, says "When a man has intercourse with a woman and his penis goes into her body, that sensation is so off the charts for most men, they cannot imagine that it isn't feeling the same way for her. It couldn't be further from the truth."
The inside of the vagina is often less sensitive than the outer parts for most women. Also, deep thrusting may not feel so nice on the receiving end. That's not to say that there aren't women who love intercourse. It's just important not to assume that what feels great to you also feels great to your partner.
Men and women approach sex very differently, and there's often a big disconnect between the sexes in terms of what feels good. Paget, author of The Great Lover Playbook, says "When a man has intercourse with a woman and his penis goes into her body, that sensation is so off the charts for most men, they cannot imagine that it isn't feeling the same way for her. It couldn't be further from the truth."
The inside of the vagina is often less sensitive than the outer parts for most women. Also, deep thrusting may not feel so nice on the receiving end. That's not to say that there aren't women who love intercourse. It's just important not to assume that what feels great to you also feels great to your partner.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Men's Sex Mistakes cont.
Mistake #2 (From WebMD)
Men who are insecure may take it very personally if a partner needs stimulation that they can't provide. However, some women can't have an orgasm with less than 3,000 rpm. No human tongue or fingers can generate that kind of vibration, but men typically think something is wrong if a woman needs a vibrator. Needing a vibrator to achieve orgasm doesn't mean a woman is broken.
Think of a vibrator as your asistant, not your substitute. Anything that enhances your partner's satisfaction is likely to increase her interest in sex. That's got to be a good thing.
Men who are insecure may take it very personally if a partner needs stimulation that they can't provide. However, some women can't have an orgasm with less than 3,000 rpm. No human tongue or fingers can generate that kind of vibration, but men typically think something is wrong if a woman needs a vibrator. Needing a vibrator to achieve orgasm doesn't mean a woman is broken.
Think of a vibrator as your asistant, not your substitute. Anything that enhances your partner's satisfaction is likely to increase her interest in sex. That's got to be a good thing.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Men's Sex Mistakes
A lot of men think they know everything there is to know about making love to a woman. But there's a lot of misinformation out there that can lead to major sex mistakes. As noted in a recent article on WebMD, guys often take their cues from adult movies - and that in itself is a major mistake. WebMD asked two sex educators, Tristan Taomino and Lou Paget, what they thought were the most common sex mistakes men make with women. I'll be posting on that topic over the next several days.
Mistake No. 1: You Know What She Wants
Men often make assumptions about what a woman wants based upon what they've done with other women. But women aren't all the same. "You should never assume that what worked for the last person is going to work for this person", Taomino says.
The obvious way out of this mistake is to ask your partner what she likes. She may have difficulty talking about her preferences, but that's not a reason to stop asking.
Mistake No. 1: You Know What She Wants
Men often make assumptions about what a woman wants based upon what they've done with other women. But women aren't all the same. "You should never assume that what worked for the last person is going to work for this person", Taomino says.
The obvious way out of this mistake is to ask your partner what she likes. She may have difficulty talking about her preferences, but that's not a reason to stop asking.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Safe Sex
I'm not going to talk about the importance of safe sex if you're casually hooking up with somebody you just met at a party. You already know that a condom is an absolute must in those sexual encounters. But what if you're in a committed relationship? Do you need to worry about protecting yourself?
It all depends on your comfort level with risk. Even in a committed relationship, your partner could be unfaithful or have an undiagnosed STD from years ago. Some couples with a colorful sexual history prior to meeting choose to get tested for STDs to increase their peace of mind. Then, use of a condom is dependent on how much you trust each other to be exclusive in your sexual relationship.
All life is a risk, and most people prefer sex without protection. It's up to you to assess the safety of your relationship and then do a cost/benefit analysis to determine how much risk you're willing to take.
It all depends on your comfort level with risk. Even in a committed relationship, your partner could be unfaithful or have an undiagnosed STD from years ago. Some couples with a colorful sexual history prior to meeting choose to get tested for STDs to increase their peace of mind. Then, use of a condom is dependent on how much you trust each other to be exclusive in your sexual relationship.
All life is a risk, and most people prefer sex without protection. It's up to you to assess the safety of your relationship and then do a cost/benefit analysis to determine how much risk you're willing to take.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Cybersex
It started out innocently. You were contacted by an old high school sweetheart on FaceBook, or you met in a chat room. First, you just got acquainted - or reacquainted. It didn't take long before the anonymity of cyberspace had you sharing on a more intimate level and maybe detailing the problems in your current relationship. Then the flirtation and innuendo began. It was exciting, and often became the highlight of your day.
That's how cybersex often begins. You can justify it because the person you're having an 'affair' with is 2,000 miles away, and you're not really doing anything wrong. Or are you?
Two of the most hurtful aspects of an affair are the secrecy and the deception. It's a betrayal of trust - and even when it's strictly confined to cyberspace, it violates the boundary around a couple's relationship. General rule: if you'd be uncomfortable with your partner reading your communications with an internet 'friend', you're probably on very shaky ground.
That's how cybersex often begins. You can justify it because the person you're having an 'affair' with is 2,000 miles away, and you're not really doing anything wrong. Or are you?
Two of the most hurtful aspects of an affair are the secrecy and the deception. It's a betrayal of trust - and even when it's strictly confined to cyberspace, it violates the boundary around a couple's relationship. General rule: if you'd be uncomfortable with your partner reading your communications with an internet 'friend', you're probably on very shaky ground.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Quickies
Long-term readers of this blog can skip tonight's post - it's a repeat of a post from 2007. I'm repeating it because I frequently get questions - or complaints - about the kind of sex frequently referred to as 'quickies'.
Quickies have gotten a bad rap in some circles - viewed as selfish behavior geared toward male gratification. But quickies have their place in a couple's sexual repertoire. Sometimes a quickie is satisfying to both parties - and when time is at a premium, urgency can lend some excitement to the act. (Think in the shower before work.) It can even be a kind of foreplay, whetting the appetite for more when time permits. Quickies can also be a gift given by the low desire person to their higher desire partner.Hopefully you are making time for some leisurely sexual encounters which include plenty of time for foreplay. Just remember that passion is expressed in many forms - one of which just might include a quick sexual tryst when the urge hits.
Quickies have gotten a bad rap in some circles - viewed as selfish behavior geared toward male gratification. But quickies have their place in a couple's sexual repertoire. Sometimes a quickie is satisfying to both parties - and when time is at a premium, urgency can lend some excitement to the act. (Think in the shower before work.) It can even be a kind of foreplay, whetting the appetite for more when time permits. Quickies can also be a gift given by the low desire person to their higher desire partner.Hopefully you are making time for some leisurely sexual encounters which include plenty of time for foreplay. Just remember that passion is expressed in many forms - one of which just might include a quick sexual tryst when the urge hits.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Spring Fever
Spring is a time of rebirth and renewal following a period of dormancy. Translation: sex is in the air. Our sexual senses are rejuvenated in Spring as the longer days and increased exposure to sunlight trigger hormonal changes. The sunlight can even increase endorphin levels which impact libido. You may also have more energy and just be in a better mood.
Then there's the fact that as the temperature warms up, we start shedding extra layers of clothes and show more skin. We start eating lighter, healthier foods and become more physically active. It all adds up to a greater focus on the body - and on the bodies of others.
As Spring approaches, let your senses come alive and tune into your sexuality. Making love is a great way to celebrate the Spring equinox.
Then there's the fact that as the temperature warms up, we start shedding extra layers of clothes and show more skin. We start eating lighter, healthier foods and become more physically active. It all adds up to a greater focus on the body - and on the bodies of others.
As Spring approaches, let your senses come alive and tune into your sexuality. Making love is a great way to celebrate the Spring equinox.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Too Much Masturbation?
I've written before about masturbation, but I was recently asked about the role it plays in relationships. Can masturbating have a negative effect on a couple's sexual relationship? The answer, of course, is it depends.
In an effort to manage desire differences, a higher desire person may masturbate occasionally rather than expect to have all their sexual needs met by their partner. That can be a good thing. Or if a partner is unavailable for sex due to absence, illness, or disability, masturbation is a good outlet for pent-up sexual energy.
But if someone is masturbating in place of having sex with a willing and available partner, then there's a problem. That may sound like a strange choice, but it happens. The advantage of masturbation over partner sex is that you focus solely on yourself, you stimulate yourself in exactly the way you like to be stimulated, and you're free to fantasize or view pornography in the process. Some people prefer solo sex over partner sex because there's no one else's needs to complicate things. But I probably don't have to spell out how that might negatively affect a couple's sexual relationship.
In an effort to manage desire differences, a higher desire person may masturbate occasionally rather than expect to have all their sexual needs met by their partner. That can be a good thing. Or if a partner is unavailable for sex due to absence, illness, or disability, masturbation is a good outlet for pent-up sexual energy.
But if someone is masturbating in place of having sex with a willing and available partner, then there's a problem. That may sound like a strange choice, but it happens. The advantage of masturbation over partner sex is that you focus solely on yourself, you stimulate yourself in exactly the way you like to be stimulated, and you're free to fantasize or view pornography in the process. Some people prefer solo sex over partner sex because there's no one else's needs to complicate things. But I probably don't have to spell out how that might negatively affect a couple's sexual relationship.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Sexless
There's a book, The Sex-Starved Marriage, that I frequently recommend to couples who are struggling with their sexual relationship. But what exactly constitutes a 'sex-starved' or 'sexless' marriage? Both terms are most likely ones used by the higher desire partner to describe a relationship in which they feel like they have to beg, plead, and pressure to get any sex. But does it mean that there's no sex at all going on?
Not usually. It's not unusual, however, for me to see couples whose last sexual encounter took place months ago. If one of the partners is feeling 'starved' for sex, there's a problem even if the couple is having sex once a week. Sexual needs and desires have to be negotiated. There's no magic number that describes the frequency of sex for happily married couples. If you're with a partner who wants sex every day, and you're content with sex once a month, both of you have some work to do to make sure you're reaching out and attempting to honor the difference in your levels of desire. Just ignoring the difference is a setup for resentment and conflict.
Not usually. It's not unusual, however, for me to see couples whose last sexual encounter took place months ago. If one of the partners is feeling 'starved' for sex, there's a problem even if the couple is having sex once a week. Sexual needs and desires have to be negotiated. There's no magic number that describes the frequency of sex for happily married couples. If you're with a partner who wants sex every day, and you're content with sex once a month, both of you have some work to do to make sure you're reaching out and attempting to honor the difference in your levels of desire. Just ignoring the difference is a setup for resentment and conflict.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
More on Kisses
Here's 10 favorite types of kisses from loveletterbox.com:
French kiss - This is the most popular type of kiss that involves kissing with an open mouth while your tongues touch each other's tongues.
Cheek kiss - A friendly, "I really like you" kiss. A kiss preferred on the first date. With your hands on your partner's shoulders, gently brush your lips across her cheek.
Tongue sucking kiss - A variation of the French kiss. During an open-mouth kiss gently suck on your partner's tongue (not too hard because it may hurt). Very sexy.
All over kiss - It begins with kissing your partner's forehead, moving down slowly to the nose. Tenderly, with an aggressive feeling, give your partner your best kiss right on the lips. Next, move your way down and continue with your own imagination.
Angel kiss - A sweet, comforting kiss. Kiss your partner very gently, delicately on their lips or eyelids.
Wake up kiss - Before your partner awakes lean over and kiss their cheek and move over giving soft kisses until you reach their lips. Definitely a more than pleasant way to wake up!
Tongue kiss - While French kissing your partner, gently suck their tongue while it's in your mouth. This produces a wonderful, erotic feeling for both!
Back kisses - Remove your partners shirt and have them lie down on their stomach. Sit comfortably over your partner's lower back and start kissing from the neck all the way down their back, while softly licking & breathing where you have kissed. This will give your partner cold shivers and it is very exciting.
Wet kiss - Once you have been kissing enough that both of your lips are wet, with your mouth barely open, gently rub back and forth, up and down, around and around.
Surprise kissing - This type of kiss is done when your partner is lying down on a sofa or the ground, either asleep or just lying with their eyes closed. Quietly approach your partner and place a small, very gentle kiss on their lips. Intensify the kiss until your partner opens their eyes or awakens.
For an even greater variety of kisses, visit www.loveletterbox.com/types_of_kisses.htm
French kiss - This is the most popular type of kiss that involves kissing with an open mouth while your tongues touch each other's tongues.
Cheek kiss - A friendly, "I really like you" kiss. A kiss preferred on the first date. With your hands on your partner's shoulders, gently brush your lips across her cheek.
Tongue sucking kiss - A variation of the French kiss. During an open-mouth kiss gently suck on your partner's tongue (not too hard because it may hurt). Very sexy.
All over kiss - It begins with kissing your partner's forehead, moving down slowly to the nose. Tenderly, with an aggressive feeling, give your partner your best kiss right on the lips. Next, move your way down and continue with your own imagination.
Angel kiss - A sweet, comforting kiss. Kiss your partner very gently, delicately on their lips or eyelids.
Wake up kiss - Before your partner awakes lean over and kiss their cheek and move over giving soft kisses until you reach their lips. Definitely a more than pleasant way to wake up!
Tongue kiss - While French kissing your partner, gently suck their tongue while it's in your mouth. This produces a wonderful, erotic feeling for both!
Back kisses - Remove your partners shirt and have them lie down on their stomach. Sit comfortably over your partner's lower back and start kissing from the neck all the way down their back, while softly licking & breathing where you have kissed. This will give your partner cold shivers and it is very exciting.
Wet kiss - Once you have been kissing enough that both of your lips are wet, with your mouth barely open, gently rub back and forth, up and down, around and around.
Surprise kissing - This type of kiss is done when your partner is lying down on a sofa or the ground, either asleep or just lying with their eyes closed. Quietly approach your partner and place a small, very gentle kiss on their lips. Intensify the kiss until your partner opens their eyes or awakens.
For an even greater variety of kisses, visit www.loveletterbox.com/types_of_kisses.htm
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Kisses
Here's two top ten lists from loveletterbox.com:
Top Ten Places to Kiss Your Lover Top Ten Places for Kissing Your Lover
Behind their ear In your bedroom
Tip of their nose At the movies
Back of their neck At the beach
Under their chin In the carpark (?)
Curve of their waist In the car
Palm of their hand Anywhere when no one is around
Sensitive Spot At the park
Their eyelids In your house
Tips of their fingers At the airport
Small of their back In an elevator
If you've been slacking off on your kissing lately, you might want to refer to these lists for reviving your romantic efforts. Tomorrow I'll post on different types of kisses you might want to incorporate into your repertoire.
Top Ten Places to Kiss Your Lover Top Ten Places for Kissing Your Lover
Behind their ear In your bedroom
Tip of their nose At the movies
Back of their neck At the beach
Under their chin In the carpark (?)
Curve of their waist In the car
Palm of their hand Anywhere when no one is around
Sensitive Spot At the park
Their eyelids In your house
Tips of their fingers At the airport
Small of their back In an elevator
If you've been slacking off on your kissing lately, you might want to refer to these lists for reviving your romantic efforts. Tomorrow I'll post on different types of kisses you might want to incorporate into your repertoire.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
