I've posted previously about the bonding effect of oxytocin - a hormone released during sex. Now there's more evidence of that effect. People who were given oxytocin by nasal spray were found to be twice as likely to give their money to a trustee for investment purposes.
Being more willing to trust may be a liability when making financial decisions with strangers, but it's definitely an asset in relationships. In the context of a loving relationship, sex is certainly more than a chain of chemical reactions - but it's nice to know that your body is working for you during sex to increase connection and trust.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Comparisons
It's human nature to wonder how you measure up to others and to wonder if you're 'normal'. Due to people's privacy in the sexual realm, you may lack a frame of reference for where you stand. It might help you to know that if you're struggling with sexual problems, you've got a lot of company.
In a recent survey, over 56% of those polled reported dissatisfaction with their sex life. The most commonly reported problems were lack of desire and erection difficulties. Another very common issue was the inability of women (70%) to climax during intercourse. Because intercourse provides little direct stimulation of the clitoris, most women need at least 20 minutes or so of foreplay in order to reach orgasm - and still may not do so during intercourse. That's normal. As men and women age, both may need more foreplay in order to get aroused.
Just knowing how you compare to others doesn't solve your sexual problems, but it may help you take the problems less personally. When you're not blaming yourself or your partner, you're closer to a solution.
In a recent survey, over 56% of those polled reported dissatisfaction with their sex life. The most commonly reported problems were lack of desire and erection difficulties. Another very common issue was the inability of women (70%) to climax during intercourse. Because intercourse provides little direct stimulation of the clitoris, most women need at least 20 minutes or so of foreplay in order to reach orgasm - and still may not do so during intercourse. That's normal. As men and women age, both may need more foreplay in order to get aroused.
Just knowing how you compare to others doesn't solve your sexual problems, but it may help you take the problems less personally. When you're not blaming yourself or your partner, you're closer to a solution.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
On the Radar Screen
There are a multitude of things competing for your attention every minute of every day. As Stephen Covey points out in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, you may end up attending to things that feel urgent but aren't really important. It's also easy to fritter away your time answering email, doing the daily jumble, or watching Survivor.
A lot of your time is eaten up by children, a job, a house - things that don't feel discretionary. But when you decide that something else is important - like exercising, journaling, or spending time with friends - you move it up in your list of priorities and find ways to make room for it.
You put it on your calendar, leave sticky notes on your bathroom mirror, and add it to your list of things to do. You don't leave it to chance and you don't wait until you just happen to have a chunk of open time.
Think about how you might take sex from the far margins of your life and move it a little closer to center. If it's not on your radar screen, it's unlikely to get much play.
A lot of your time is eaten up by children, a job, a house - things that don't feel discretionary. But when you decide that something else is important - like exercising, journaling, or spending time with friends - you move it up in your list of priorities and find ways to make room for it.
You put it on your calendar, leave sticky notes on your bathroom mirror, and add it to your list of things to do. You don't leave it to chance and you don't wait until you just happen to have a chunk of open time.
Think about how you might take sex from the far margins of your life and move it a little closer to center. If it's not on your radar screen, it's unlikely to get much play.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Time Enough
'Not enough time' is probably a frequent refrain in your life, yet everyone has the same 24 hours available to them each day. The truth is you make time for what is most important to you. Often a very small investment of time reaps big rewards. Intention may be what's needed more than big chunks of time.
How much time do you think is required to improve your sex life? Not as much as you might imagine. An average lovemaking session lasts 20-30 minutes (if you're lucky). If you replaced an hour of television each week with 30 minutes of bonding time and 30 minutes of sex, you and your relationship would benefit enormously.
Keeping sex on your radar screen is a bigger challenge than creating time. I'll post on that tomorrow.
How much time do you think is required to improve your sex life? Not as much as you might imagine. An average lovemaking session lasts 20-30 minutes (if you're lucky). If you replaced an hour of television each week with 30 minutes of bonding time and 30 minutes of sex, you and your relationship would benefit enormously.
Keeping sex on your radar screen is a bigger challenge than creating time. I'll post on that tomorrow.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Wanting
I recently saw a movie in which a simple line of dialogue struck a chord with me. The line was, "Wanting keeps us alive." It got me to thinking about how desire - for a new house, for a promotion, for love, for a book contract, for a vacation in the Bahamas - can energize and excite us. But the desired thing has to feel attainable, and the desire has to be strong enough to push us into action.
When desire is little more than a wish - like 'I wish I'd win the lottery' - it rarely translates into motivated and sustained effort. If we truly want something, we begin identifying the steps to get it.
Improvement in your sex life will be little to non-existent if your want isn't big enough. If your motivation is waning, it might help to revisit the rewards you anticipate in achieving your goal. Greater closeness in your relationship, more energy, increased vitality, etc. Remember that desire begins in the mind....
When desire is little more than a wish - like 'I wish I'd win the lottery' - it rarely translates into motivated and sustained effort. If we truly want something, we begin identifying the steps to get it.
Improvement in your sex life will be little to non-existent if your want isn't big enough. If your motivation is waning, it might help to revisit the rewards you anticipate in achieving your goal. Greater closeness in your relationship, more energy, increased vitality, etc. Remember that desire begins in the mind....
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Whose Fault?
When you begin feeling dissatisfied in a relationship, you probably see your partner as the problem. It's not nearly as easy (or as satisfying) to examine what role you play in the problem.
The down side of staying in the blaming mode is that it leaves you powerless to create change.
A different approach is to think about what it's like living with you as a partner. At your worst, what is one word that describes what it's like living with you? Are you being the partner that you want to have?
Sexual problems are especially susceptible to blaming behavior. You focus on your partner's pressure or lack of interest. You might want to try a week-long experiment in which you only concentrate on changing your part of the sexual dynamic in your relationship. Deciding to change is a lot more effective than waiting until you feel like changing - or waiting until your partner changes.
The down side of staying in the blaming mode is that it leaves you powerless to create change.
A different approach is to think about what it's like living with you as a partner. At your worst, what is one word that describes what it's like living with you? Are you being the partner that you want to have?
Sexual problems are especially susceptible to blaming behavior. You focus on your partner's pressure or lack of interest. You might want to try a week-long experiment in which you only concentrate on changing your part of the sexual dynamic in your relationship. Deciding to change is a lot more effective than waiting until you feel like changing - or waiting until your partner changes.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Sexual Learning
A few months ago, I got my first speeding ticket and ended up in traffic school to avoid having points added to my license. Despite my irritation and my assumption that I'd be sitting through several hours of drivel, I was surprised to find that I actually learned a few things during the class.
When you've been doing something for 20, 30, 40 years or more, it's easy to assume that you know all there is to know about it. That's the attitude many people have toward sex. But sexual learning is virtually inexhaustible - not only because there is so much information available but because your own sexuality and that of your partner is constantly changing.
Recognizing that there is always something new to learn and remaining open to new input allows your sexuality to grow and evolve. Actively seeking new information through books, classes, and movies as well as keeping up a sexual dialogue with your partner ensure that you stay on the path of sexual learning.
When you've been doing something for 20, 30, 40 years or more, it's easy to assume that you know all there is to know about it. That's the attitude many people have toward sex. But sexual learning is virtually inexhaustible - not only because there is so much information available but because your own sexuality and that of your partner is constantly changing.
Recognizing that there is always something new to learn and remaining open to new input allows your sexuality to grow and evolve. Actively seeking new information through books, classes, and movies as well as keeping up a sexual dialogue with your partner ensure that you stay on the path of sexual learning.
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