Have you ever been on a romantic getaway weekend, looked forward to some great hotel sex, and then eaten so much at a wonderful little Italian restaurant that the only moaning that followed dinner came from you and your partner trying to digest dinner?
An overly-full stomach zaps sexual interest. Not only does eating too much make you uncomfortable, your body is too busy digesting your meal to be very sexually responsive. So if you want to keep sexual interest stirring, stop eating right at the point of satisfaction. If you don't stop eating until you feel filled up, you'll be overly full. And be sure to plan a light meal before your next sex date.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sexual Appeasement
I've posted before on the problem with obligatory sex - the "I'll just go along with it because it's easier than fighting about it" sex. Not exactly satisfying for either party. A close cousin to obligatory sex is appeasement sex.
Appeasement sex is often initiated by the less interested person when they notice their partner becoming increasingly tense or cranky from not 'getting any'. The low desire person offers up sex as a kind of tranquilizer, knowing that their partner will be more relaxed and in a better mood for days afterward.
When sex is dispensed as valium to 'soothe the savage beast', there's an absence of mutuality and intimacy. A sexually hungry partner is probably not going to turn down tranquilizer sex, but is unlikely to feel any long-lasting satiation of their hunger. The hunger is for a lot more than sex.
Appeasement sex is often initiated by the less interested person when they notice their partner becoming increasingly tense or cranky from not 'getting any'. The low desire person offers up sex as a kind of tranquilizer, knowing that their partner will be more relaxed and in a better mood for days afterward.
When sex is dispensed as valium to 'soothe the savage beast', there's an absence of mutuality and intimacy. A sexually hungry partner is probably not going to turn down tranquilizer sex, but is unlikely to feel any long-lasting satiation of their hunger. The hunger is for a lot more than sex.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
TV Women
Women on TV, from Desperate Housewives to Grey's Anatomy, certainly don't seem to be lacking in the desire department. TV couples get it on happily even in uncomfortable and unlikely settings. The portrayal of women as sexy creatures with very healthy sexual appetites is a mixed blessing.
On the one hand, women possessing their own desire is a step up from being simply an object of desire. On the other hand, females with little on the brain other than sex hardly reflect the reality of today's hard-working, multi-tasking, often exhausted women. Going from sex object to sex fiend may be a questionable improvement in models for a healthy sexual orientation.
Women don't need another unrealistic standard to increase their guilt or sense of inadequacy. When sexuality is an integral part of self, sex is less about hopping into bed at the drop of a hat and more about total aliveness.
On the one hand, women possessing their own desire is a step up from being simply an object of desire. On the other hand, females with little on the brain other than sex hardly reflect the reality of today's hard-working, multi-tasking, often exhausted women. Going from sex object to sex fiend may be a questionable improvement in models for a healthy sexual orientation.
Women don't need another unrealistic standard to increase their guilt or sense of inadequacy. When sexuality is an integral part of self, sex is less about hopping into bed at the drop of a hat and more about total aliveness.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Sex Detox
One of the morning shows today had a sexpert suggesting sex detox for people whose sex lives have become hum-drum. The detox involves going on a sex fast for a period of time to let new interest build. Like swearing off carbs and then dreaming about a mountain of mashed potatoes, the forbidden becomes more enticing. A sex fast can break up an overly predictable routine and create some excitement.
I've also recommended this approach to many couples whose sexual relationship has become toxic. If differences in desire have created major conflict and tension, declaring a truce and a sexual time-out is often necessary before the problem can be effectively addressed. Usually the person with higher desire isn't wild about this plan, but the relief from the partner with lower desire is unmistakable. As long as the goal is resolving the conflict and restoring healthy intimacy to the relationship, both will benefit from a time of abstinence.
Whether you need to break a toxic pattern or just inject new energy into your sex life, abstinence might just make the heart (or whatever) grow fonder.
I've also recommended this approach to many couples whose sexual relationship has become toxic. If differences in desire have created major conflict and tension, declaring a truce and a sexual time-out is often necessary before the problem can be effectively addressed. Usually the person with higher desire isn't wild about this plan, but the relief from the partner with lower desire is unmistakable. As long as the goal is resolving the conflict and restoring healthy intimacy to the relationship, both will benefit from a time of abstinence.
Whether you need to break a toxic pattern or just inject new energy into your sex life, abstinence might just make the heart (or whatever) grow fonder.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Krispy Kreme Donuts
Statistics show that extramarital affairs increase in later decades. There are probably a number of reasons why that's the case - boredom or dissatisfaction with a long-term relationship, greater opportunity (courtesy of more money, power, and free time), and compensation for losses, to mention only a few. What is it about loss that drives people out of the marital bed?
Loss creates a hunger for intimate bonding. Sex brings comfort, affirmation, distraction, and a lessening of pain. Losses accumulate as people age, and sex is a very specific balm for the losses that accompany aging. Losing youthful bodies, hair, energy, reliable erections, reliable lubrication - I don't want you to be a sore loser here, but it's a lot to absorb.
Sex, especially with someone new, makes you feel young again. Unfortunately, it's kind of like eating several hot Krispy Kreme donuts - extremely delicious, but very little substance. And tomorrow you're stuck with the consequences. It's another reason for keeping sex hot with the one you're with.
Loss creates a hunger for intimate bonding. Sex brings comfort, affirmation, distraction, and a lessening of pain. Losses accumulate as people age, and sex is a very specific balm for the losses that accompany aging. Losing youthful bodies, hair, energy, reliable erections, reliable lubrication - I don't want you to be a sore loser here, but it's a lot to absorb.
Sex, especially with someone new, makes you feel young again. Unfortunately, it's kind of like eating several hot Krispy Kreme donuts - extremely delicious, but very little substance. And tomorrow you're stuck with the consequences. It's another reason for keeping sex hot with the one you're with.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Sprucing Up
If you've recently sold a house, you probably spruced it up a bit before putting it on the market. Fresh paint, new carpet, clean closets - by the time you finished fixing it up, you may have had second thoughts about moving.
A similar phenomenon sometimes happens when someone is on their way out of a relationship. They may lose weight, start dressing differently, get a new hairstyle - all to attract a new mate. You have to wonder what difference it might have made in the old relationship if they had presented more of their 'best self' to their partner. Not that it's all about looks, but carelessness with appearance is often a superficial signal of more significant carelessness in the relationship.
Responding to your partner with the same care and attention you'd probably invest in someone new is a great way to increase the satisfaction in your current relationship.
A similar phenomenon sometimes happens when someone is on their way out of a relationship. They may lose weight, start dressing differently, get a new hairstyle - all to attract a new mate. You have to wonder what difference it might have made in the old relationship if they had presented more of their 'best self' to their partner. Not that it's all about looks, but carelessness with appearance is often a superficial signal of more significant carelessness in the relationship.
Responding to your partner with the same care and attention you'd probably invest in someone new is a great way to increase the satisfaction in your current relationship.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Ending the Drought
If you and your partner haven't had sex for a long time, anxiety or awkwardness about reconnecting can prolong your sexual drought. However, avoiding what you fear just maintains the fear. It's only by feeling the fear and doing it anyway that you begin to overcome your discomfort.
Talking with your partner about your anxiety or discomfort is a good beginning. Reconnecting with some non-sexual touch is also helpful. Agree ahead of time what kind of touch is acceptable and stick to the agreement. There's no set timetable for when you need to progress to the next level. Take as much time as you need. The important thing is that you're moving in the direction of more physical closeness.
Talking with your partner about your anxiety or discomfort is a good beginning. Reconnecting with some non-sexual touch is also helpful. Agree ahead of time what kind of touch is acceptable and stick to the agreement. There's no set timetable for when you need to progress to the next level. Take as much time as you need. The important thing is that you're moving in the direction of more physical closeness.
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