Sleeping After Sex

Women often complain about a partner who rolls over and falls asleep immediately after sex when what the woman is looking for is a little post-sex cuddling and sweet talk. What's that all about?


Both men and women release oxytocin and vasopressin during sex which induce drowsiness, but men's sexual response cycle differs signficantly from women. Men drop very quickly from a state of maximum arousal and orgasm back to the pre-arousal state, whereas women experience a much more gradual decline. Typically, men are also exerting more physical energy during sex that contributes to their post-sex collapse.

If you're a woman who needs more after sex than the comforting sound of your partner's snoring, it's important to voice your need. Be reasonable in your request- ask for 10 minutes of your lover's time before you both drift off into a deep and restful sleep.

Sex and the Pill

I've heard recently from several women who belong to the 25% of birth control pill users who suffer sexual side effects from the Pill. The effects include decreased desire, difficulty with lubrication, and trouble reaching orgasm. This is a real problem for those affected because hormonal methods of birth control are the most effective means of pregnancy prevention (short of sterilization) and are the easiest to use.

The Pill affects a woman's testosterone levels which are significant in driving desire. The hormones block testosterone production in the ovaries and increase the production of the protein that attaches to testosterone to make it inactive.

If the Pill is killing any interest you ever had in sex, it's important to talk to your doctor about alternative forms of hormonal birth control. Your body may respond better to one pill than another. If you've tried a variety of different pills and are still suffering from sexual side effects, you may want to consider another kind of birth control altogether. Maybe not ideal, but better than a sex life that's dead in the water.

Decreasing the 'Work'

For those people who sometimes feel like sex is just too much work, I'd like to suggest some ways to reduce the workload. The following suggestions are not meant to apply to every sexual encounter but are for those times when you or your partner want to have sex but don't want to work too hard at it.

• Since each of you knows best how to get yourself to orgasm, you could simply engage in simultaneous masturbation. It can actually be a real turn-on and may lead to a more mutual lovemaking session at a later date when you have more energy.
• Use a vibrator as part of your lovemaking. For women, this can speed up arousal and shorten the time needed to reach orgasm.
• Let your partner know if you're receptive to sex but don't want to put the energy into getting to orgasm. It really is ok to have sex without getting to the big "O".

Hopefully, you're not always going to be a lazy lover, but having some shortcuts as part of your repertoire can keep your sex life charged even when you're not.

Beating Fatigue

Fatigue is one of the biggest deterrents to an active sex life. Of course, getting more sleep and simplifying your life would create more energy for sex, but since that probably isn't going to happen any time soon for a lot of you, I wanted to suggest some other methods for standing up to fatigue.

• Be open to making out without the expectation of it leading to intercourse. Preconceived notions of what sex has to be can make it feel like too much effort.
• During the week when you're both tired, try alternating who gets to climax. One night it's your partner's turn, and the next time, it's all about you. When it's your turn, you'll get to relax and just enjoy the sensations without having to do a thing.
• Shower before you go to bed. It will help wake you up and make you feel more like getting up close and personal.
• Turn off the late show and get to bed an hour earlier than usual.
• If you have the flexibility, meet your partner at home on a lunch break. A nooner can leave you refreshed and energized for the rest of your work day.

The important thing is not to cave in to fatigue on a regular basis. If you get creative, your sex life can thrive regardless of your busy schedule and short nights.

Guys Faking Orgasm

When it comes to faking orgasm, women seem to have cornered the market. But findings from The Orgasm Survey indicate that women aren't the only ones engaging in this little deceit. Supposedly, almost one-fourth of the men surveyed have faked it at one time or another.

According to the results summarized on the web site, dearsugar.com, men fake orgasm for many of the same reasons as women:

He feels pressured to perform.
She's trying hard to please him, but his body's not cooperating.
He's exhausted and just wants to hit the hay.
He's not into the sex, and faking it is a way to get it over with.
He's not physically or emotionally attracted to his partner.
He's hiding his sexual identity.
He's with a new partner and can't relax enough to let go.
He doesn't want his partner to know he's having sexual issues.
He feels that having an orgasm is a way to prove he's manly.

For obvious reasons, it's got to be a little more difficult for men to fake it than women. But it is possible for a man to have an orgasm without ejaculation - and if he's using a condom, his partner may be none the wiser as long as he has good acting skills.

I'll go on record again as an opponent of the whole faking phenomenon. Honest communication and a de-emphasis on orgasm as a mandatory finish to every sexual encounter are definitely preferable.

Laughter in the Bedroom

When was the last time you laughed during sex? Hopefully it wasn't too long ago - and it was with your partner rather than at your partner. I've talked to couples who've never laughed during a sexual encounter and seem almost horrified at the prospect. For these men and women, sex is serious business. But sex can involve many different feelings and mind states, and playfulness is one of them.

Without the ability to play in the bedroom, it often feels unsafe to take risks. Sex is more likely to become routine and even boring without a spirit of adventure and the freedom to fail miserably at a new position or a daring technique. Laughter is not only freeing but also bonds you to your partner. Try introducing some silliness during your next roll in the hay - you could be in for some serious fun.

Foreplay before the Foreplay

It's frequently assumed that foreplay is part of the formula for getting a woman warmed up enough for intercourse. But interestingly enough, women who masturbate can usually reach orgasm in just a few minutes. So why does it take so much foreplay to get a woman primed for intercourse and orgasm?

The answer is that men often haven't taken the time to find out exactly how their partners like to be stimulated and how they can most easily reach orgasm. But more importantly, men may not realize that the most valuable kind of foreplay begins long before bodies start pressing against one another. When a woman feels validated, nurtured, and cared for throughout the day by her partner, it's a lot less of a stretch for her to respond to sexual overtures. Kissing, touching, and carressing aren't just about warming up the body - they're just as much about building a sense of connection. The more you stay connected during the day, the less foreplay may be needed at night.