If your desire has taken a hike, you probably don't view it as a gift. But strange as it may seem, there may be some benefits hidden in your low desire. If you're having trouble getting motivated to do anything about your low desire, there's a pretty good chance that you're getting something out of staying exactly where you are. Identifying the possible payoffs of staying stuck can help you get unstuck.
Low desire may protect you from being too vulnerable in your relationship. You may feel safer when there's limited intimacy. It can also be a step out of powerlessness by exercising some control over when sex occurs. It can be an opportunity to express anger toward your partner without direct confrontation. It can be a passive form of punishment.
Do you recognize yourself in any of the above scenarios? When you become aware of unconscious payoffs of maintaining low desire, you can choose what you want to do about them.
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Simmering - But Not With Desire
The email radiated resentment. "Every weekend it's the same thing. I'm running around like a crazy person trying to do the errands and housework and laundry that piled up during the week, and he's lying on the couch watching TV. By Saturday night, I'm exhausted and he's ready for some action in the sack. He thinks I'm punishing him when I give him the cold shoulder, but I just don't feel like having sex when I'm tired and pissed off. I've told him why I'm not interested, but he just doesn't get it. What's so hard to 'get'?
Resentment is the #1 desire-killer in relationships. It's the slow-simmering anger that comes when you feel alone, when you feel like your partner isn't listening to you or understanding you, when you feel taken for granted, when you feel like you're 'doing it all', or when you feel like your needs just don't matter. The emailer's partner is probably tired of being nagged and criticized (deserved or not!) and is beginning to build some resentment of his own. The way he sees it, his needs aren't being met either. So how do you break this vicious cycle?
First, speak up when your feelings are hurt, your needs aren't being met, or you disagree about something. But instead of complaining, make specific requests. Don't expect your partner to see things the same way you do, but do expect to be taken seriously. Learn to let go of the little stuff but stand your ground on the stuff that's eating you up inside. Don't begin any sentence with "If you loved me, you would...." Love probably has little if anything to do with why your partner doesn't jump off the couch to go scrub the toilet when he sees you running the vacuum. Don't 'parent' your partner - even if he or she is acting like a child. It's a lose-lose. And finally, don't let any good deed go unrewarded. Take a cue from animal trainers and reinforce even the smallest effort your partner makes in the right direction. It's the surest way to get more of what you want - which will make you a happier camper and hopefully, a more interested sex partner.
Resentment is the #1 desire-killer in relationships. It's the slow-simmering anger that comes when you feel alone, when you feel like your partner isn't listening to you or understanding you, when you feel taken for granted, when you feel like you're 'doing it all', or when you feel like your needs just don't matter. The emailer's partner is probably tired of being nagged and criticized (deserved or not!) and is beginning to build some resentment of his own. The way he sees it, his needs aren't being met either. So how do you break this vicious cycle?
First, speak up when your feelings are hurt, your needs aren't being met, or you disagree about something. But instead of complaining, make specific requests. Don't expect your partner to see things the same way you do, but do expect to be taken seriously. Learn to let go of the little stuff but stand your ground on the stuff that's eating you up inside. Don't begin any sentence with "If you loved me, you would...." Love probably has little if anything to do with why your partner doesn't jump off the couch to go scrub the toilet when he sees you running the vacuum. Don't 'parent' your partner - even if he or she is acting like a child. It's a lose-lose. And finally, don't let any good deed go unrewarded. Take a cue from animal trainers and reinforce even the smallest effort your partner makes in the right direction. It's the surest way to get more of what you want - which will make you a happier camper and hopefully, a more interested sex partner.
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