The Obligatory Orgasm

In yesterday's post, I wrote about the pressure involved when a man feels responsible for satisfying his partner sexually. In addition to turning men into 'success objects', there are a few more problems with this orientation. One of them is that sexual satisfaction is usually equated with orgasm. The female orgasm becomes the goal, which then puts pressure on a woman to cooperate in reaching that goal whether it's important to her or not. Achieving an orgasm becomes her 'assignment'.

Our society's narrow interpretation of sexuality has created an over-focus on the genitals and made an orgasm the end-all, be-all of sexual encounters. This interpretation cheats us of a full body experience of sex and limits our enjoyment of the flow involved in making love. Orgasms are great, but when they become an obligation and the sole focus of lovemaking, both men and women suffer a reduction in their total sexual capacity.

Differences In Desire

One of the most common sexual problems presented by couples in therapy is differences in desire. It's a rare couple who are perfectly matched in the desire department, and the differences can be a major source of conflict. The higher desire partner experiences of lot of hurt and rejection when their overtures are rejected, and the lower desire partner often feels pressured and resentful. It's easy to see how the problem escalates and begins to affect the entire relationship. What's the answer?

First, you have to value the wants and needs of your partner. Make a sincere attempt to step inside your partner's head and understand what their desire or lack of desire is really about. If you're the higher desire partner, explain what you 'get' from making love and why it's important to you. If you're the lower desire partner, explain your difficulty with getting in the mood and what it's like to lack spontaneous desire. Talking without criticizing or attacking is the only path to problem-solving.

Tomorrow I'll post on how to do the problem-solving.