From Frustration to Action

When a woman finds her partner's sexual interest waning, the obvious first step is to start a conversation. It can be a tricky conversation since men are often touchy and defensive about a lagging libido. The emphasis needs to be on how much you miss the physical part of your relationship - not on his defects or deficiencies. Ask for help in understanding what he's feeling and experiencing and don't be easily put off if he seems reluctant to talk. Let him know that you value the relationship too much to ignore something that might threaten it. Find out if there's anything you can do to help the situation.

Of course, you can't force someone to talk. If he needs time to figure things out on his own, give him some space. Tell him that you want to try the conversation again in a month. Meanwhile, focus on depersonalizing his lack of sexual interest. Even if you have put on 20 pounds in the last few years, his sexual shutdown has much more to do with him than it has to do with you. Work on maintaining non-physical kinds of intimacy and be sure you're still doing things together as a couple. Withdrawing only escalates the problem - it doesn't solve it.

Do things that enhance your self-esteem. Follow through on reaching goals, spend time with friends, exercise, treat yourself with kindness. Hopefully, you and your partner will be able to resume a physical relationship that works for both of you. If not, consider joint therapy. If he won't go, go by yourself. It's a good investment.