Feelings Aren't Facts

We give a lot of power to our feelings. We treat feelings as factual input and often allow them to determine our behavior. We forget that feelings are very subjective and can arise from faulty perceptions. Ever wake up one morning and feel really fat? It's not because you gained 10 pounds while you slept. It's a distortion based on a certain mirror angle or on self-doubt fed by a recent break-up or on a comparison to a skinny friend you saw last night. The point is, you respond to the feeling as if it's a statement of truth and then are filled with self-loathing.

Feelings can contain important information, but they need to be carefully scanned to see if they arise from inaccurate perceptions and assumptions. It's also important to stay in charge of how you respond to a feeling even if it seems legitimate. For example, you can allow an absence of sexual feelings to shut down your sex life or you can decide to act your way into feeling what you want to feel.

Feelings are important. Just not nearly as important as you probably think they are.

Reversing Roles

It seems to be a perverse Catch-22 that men often want sex in order to feel intimate and women want intimacy before feeling any interest in sex. Of course that's a big generalization but it reflects the experience of millions of men and women in relationships. So what's the answer?

One solution is to put the higher desire partner in charge of intimacy and the lower desire partner in charge of sex. That may sound strange, but it reverses the tired old dynamic of one person pushing their own agenda while the other person digs their heels in and resists. In the new scenario, the person wanting more sex pays careful attention to what kind of intimacy their partner is seeking - date nights, walks after dinner, cuddling on the couch - and puts their energy into meeting those needs. The person who's less interested in sex puts more energy into being sexual - initiating sexual encounters, suggesting new sexual behaviors, flirting.

A role reversal could be just what you're sex life is waiting for.

Chemistry

Many people mistake sexual attraction for love and assume that a reduction in sexual desire means that love is waning. However, sexual chemistry has a lot more to do with hormones and the action of 'feel-good' neurotransmitters than it has to do with love. That magical love potion casts a kind of spell that's actually a very poor predictor of relationship success.

Eventually you build up a tolerance for the 'love potion'. Studies have found that there's a drop-off in desire at around the 6 month point in a relationship and another decline at one-and-a-half to two years. Secrecy and distance can extend the life of the potion.

Knowing that a decline in sexual desire is normal at certain points in a relationship can help people from over-reacting and/or misinterpreting what that decline means. The decline certainly doesn't mean the end of passion. That part is still up to you.

Staying Connected

More relationships die as a result of distance and disconnection than from any other cause. Over 80% of divorcing couples say "we grew apart". Why is growing apart such a common phenomenon?

In the romantic phase of a relationship, lovers shower each other with interest and attention. This kind of intense interest is a natural aphrodisiac. It's not surprising that lovemaking early on is spontaneous, frequent, and passionate. Over time, partners become reabsorbed into the flow of every day life and responsibilities, and there is a gradual withdrawal of interest in one another. That withdrawal of interest is the biggest source of disconnection in relationships.

It's unrealistic to think that the romantic phase of a relationship can last forever. However, when you notice that you're feeling distant and disconnected from your partner, it's time for a course correction. Investing some energy and interest in each other will not only help keep you connected but will provide a natural boost to libidos, as well.

The Answer is 'Yes'

I've posted previously on everyone's right to turn down a partner's sexual invite. Even if you are committed to making sex a priority, there will be times when you are simply too tired, too sick, too preoccupied, too__________(fill in the blank) to get up for getting down.

Here's another point of view by a well-respected expert in matters of sex and love. Pat Love (that really is her name) suggests that the higher desire partner gets to say when sex happens and the lower desire partner gets to say how it happens. She certainly allows for exceptions, but what she's saying is that each partner's needs are important. To accomodate the higher desire partner's need for more frequent sex, the lower desire person says yes to most invites. To accomodate the lower desire person's lack of interest or energy, that person gets to determine what kind of action they're up for, including quickies.

It's an interesting solution to the dilemma of desire differences. Neither partner is a villain and both partners get their need at least partially met. You might want to give it a try.

Missing Kissing

When a couple's sex life falls apart, affectionate touching tends to disappear, as well. That's partly due to the emotional distance in the relationship, but is also a result of the less interested partner fearing that any physical affection will be interpreted as a sexual signal.

Kissing is frequently one of the first things to go as there is something quite intimate about giving your partner more than a passing peck on the lips. Even couples who are still having sex may have stopped kissing passionately. For those who are trying to revive their sexual relationship, discomfort with kissing their partner may feel like an insurmountable barrier.

It's important not to assume that 'kissing discomfort' means your physical relationship is doomed. It just takes time and patience with rebuilding intimacy before comfort with kissing returns. For many couples, it's not the best place to start. But for most couples, it's a great place to finish.

Sexual Aversion

If your feeling about sex is more aversion than disinterest - in other words, you're in the minus range on the sexual desire scale - it's important to identify the source of your sexual shutdown. Did you enjoy sex at another time in your life? With someone else? Is your shutdown rooted in problems within your relationship or is it due to past sexual trauma, shame, or guilt?

The answers to those questions aren't always easy to come by. Sometimes there are layers of sexual wounding that have led you to create a wall of self-protection around your sexuality. For example, long-standing guilt about an affair or shame about having contracted a sexually transmitted disease may have led to an avoidance of sex. That avoidance can then spell trouble in a relationship which compounds the sexual issues.

Sexual aversion in your relationship is a problem best addressed in therapy. If you're reluctant to start with couple therapy, begin therapy individually. The problem is unlikely to get better without some outside help.