The Value of Sameness

We live in a culture that worships youth. We value new over old and difference over sameness. These values are so deeply ingrained that we forget that they aren't truth. But there are many cultures in which old age and antiquity are revered, and anything that is new or different is viewed with suspicion.

It's no wonder Americans struggle to create long-lasting, loving relationships. If we can't learn to appreciate the predictability and comfort of being with the same partner over many years, we will continually yearn for something more or something unknown. Developing true intimacy takes time - sometimes a lifetime. Deep intimacy creates a sexual richness that can't be matched by something new and different. It's worth waiting for.

Sexual Doing vs. Sexual Being

As discussed in yesterday's post, women are not the only ones who've been shortchanged in their sexual learning. Men's sexual conditioning has basically reduced their sexuality to the functioning of their penis. So how can men make the move from sexually 'doing' to sexually 'being'?

First, men need to take some pressure off their penis and stop measuring their manhood by the frequency, quality, and reliability of their erections. Focusing on non-sexual touch is a good beginning, moving on gradually to sexual touch that doesn't end with intercourse. In the focus on the finish line, many men (and their partners) have given short shrift to their many non-genital erogenous zones.

Second, men can ramp up their attention to the intimacy and connection available in sexual contact. Being fully present with your partner changes the focus from outcome to process and brings the whole self into play.

Tune into tomorrow for more on men as sexual beings.

Why Bother?

If you're someone who never feels any sexual urges or drive, why should you put effort into making sex a priority? Why not just give it a rest?


Let's start with your relationship. Sex is like relationship super glue. It's the one thing that makes your primary relationship different from all others. There's also a bonding chemical called oxytocin that's released when you're having sex (and when mothers are breast feeding) that builds trust and brings you closer to your partner. Let sex slip away from your relationship and emotional distance is usually not far behind. And if you're in a relationship with someone who DOES care about sex, I probably don't need to tell you that ignoring your partner's need is a surefire recipe for couple trouble.

Try giving a little extra attention to your sex life this week and take note of the fringe benefits to your relationship. You may be glad you bothered.