Time Apart

I've talked a lot about the importance of nurturing the relationship with your partner - spending time together, recapturing a sense of fun and playfulness, and staying connected through conversation and physical affection. But it's also important for both you and your partner to have a life apart from one another.

When you each have your own interests and activities that fill you up, you're less likely to expect the relationship alone to make you happy. Time apart gives each of you something to bring back to the relationship and keeps life more interesting. Too much togetherness can lead to boredom and leave you wondering what to talk about.

So if you want to keep your passion primed, preserve your own identity and plan some separateness to fuel your togetherness.

Manly Men

In addition to exploring touch that's not orgasm-focused and then tapping into intimacy, men can become more sexual beings by identifying what makes them feel really alive. As I've discussed previously, a passion for life feeds sexual passion so it pays to stay excited, curious, and open to wonder. Don't let your mind or body get lazy - keep learning every day and stay physically active. Make sure you're feeding your spirit, as well, by staying in touch with what gives your life a sense of purpose and meaning.

Think about how you define masculinity. Does being a man mean bringing home the bacon, fixing the leaky faucet, chugging a beer during Monday night football, performing in the bedroom? How about tenderness, sensitivity, and compassion? We are all victims of society's narrow definitions of what it means to be male or female. The more you expand your definition of what it means to be a man, the more you bring wholeness to your sexuality.

Passion and Play

In the last post, I talked about food play - but you were probably taught not to play with your food. Actually, you may have forgotten how to play altogether!

Somewhere along the way to being a grownup, many adults lose their childlike ability to let loose, be silly, and have high-energy fun. What often passes for play these days is dinner and a movie or a casual get-together with friends for a cookout. Not that there's anything wrong with that - but when was the last time you had blow-it-all-out, laugh until it hurts kind of fun? Dancing like a crazy person, playing a rousing game of pictionary, having a water balloon or snowball fight, running some whitewater rapids - have you put that kind of play behind you?

Good sex has a passionate and playful element. When passion and play come up missing in your everyday life, they're probably going to be missing in your sex life, as well. Make your next date a play date and see if it doesn't spark some passion with your partner.

Passionate Couples

You might wonder how couples who have been together a long time can beat the boredom factor and keep their sex life passionate. There seem to be some factors which help keep passion alive.

First, each of the partners in the relationship needs to find ways to stay excited about life. People who are bored are usually borING - both in and out of the sack. Staying engaged with people and activities that are stimulating, challenging, and fun is an important way to hold onto passion.

Second, the couple needs shared time and shared interests to nurture their connection. Couples who enjoy each other's company, who laugh together, and who are able to work out differences rather than building resentment are the most likely candidates for holding onto a passionate sex life.

You might want to think about how you could be a more passionate individual as well as a more passionate partner.

Dressing Up

No, I'm not talking about the french maid costume. But think about what you wore around the house last weekend - sweatpants and baggy t-shirt or your grubby gardening shorts and stained tank top? You dress up to go to work and then can't wait to shuck that garb the moment you walk in the front door. Weekends are often a break from shaving, makeup - maybe even showering or combing your hair! Our need to let down and be comfortable at home can mean that we save our best appearance for the outside world while our partner gets the dregs.

Now I'm not suggesting that ties or high heels become part of your lounging attire or that you tackle the yard in anything other than your usual shorts and tshirt - but investing in some comfortable and attractive sportswear for your leisure time can be an investment in your relationship. It's great that your partner loves you no matter what you look like, but your grubbiest look is unlikely to inspire the kind of lust that keeps a sexual relationship in high gear.
Putting in just a fraction of the effort that went into looking good when you were dating can have a big payoff in the passion department.