The Top Ten

One way to ease into a conversation with your partner about individual turn-ons is for each of you to make a list of your top ten favorite sexual activities. Include the things that help you get into the mood, the kinds of foreplay you enjoy, how you like to have intercourse, and what you like to do after it's all over. Limit yourself to ten right now - you can always add to it later.

Writing down your all-time favorite sex moves does more than get a conversation started - it's an attention-grabber for your partner who will probably be less likely in the future to 'forget'what it is that gets you interested and keeps you coming back for more.

Just Do It!

I read an interview this week with a couple who put sex right up there with tooth brushing - something you squeeze in no matter how hectic life gets. Since both have very busy schedules, they were asked how they've managed to maintain an active sexual life. Their responses reflected a Nike type attitude: "You have to work, you have to travel, you have to have friends, you have to have sex. A well-rounded life involves those things."

That may be easier said than done, but it's true that we make time for the things we value. Are you one of those people who claim you don't have time for exercise? Maybe it's time to put more sex in your life and count that as your exercise. Just do it!

What's Wrong with a Thong?

I received an email from a man complaining that his wife refuses to wear the sexy lingerie he recently gave her as a gift. "She thinks she doesn't have the body for it and would look ridiculous. But I don't care if her body isn't perfect - I think she'd look really hot! I don't get it."

First, it's possible that the wife felt like her husband's 'gift' was more for his gratification than hers. Sexual gifts are great if you're in the market for them, but otherwise they can feel like pressure. A better option would be for the couple to go shopping for lingerie together - then his wife could pick out something that she'd actually be likely to wear. Maybe not a thong - but a thong stuck in the back of the drawer isn't doing anybody any good!

A word to women: Men are visual creatures, and it's a real turn-on for them to see you decked out in sexy attire. You don't need to have the body of one of the Victoria Secret models in order to light a fire in the bedroom. If thongs aren't your style, don't let that stop you from experimenting until you find something that brings out the siren in you. You may discover that your partner is not the only one who gets turned on.

What DOES Change?

People often want to know what sexual changes are a 'normal' part of getting older. There is a heckuva lot of variety out there, but there are some pretty predictable changes in your sexuality as you age.

Both men and women typically experience a gradual decrease in their sexual drive. Men usually experience fewer spontaneous erections and may need more sexual stimulation to achieve an erection. Erections may not be as firm as in younger days and there can be difficulty for some in maintaining an erection. Orgasm is sometimes delayed - which can actually have the benefit of helping some couples get more in synch.

Women, too, often need more foreplay to get turned on and to be able to reach orgasm. Post-menopausal women may have difficulty with lubrication (which can be easily managed with K-Y jelly).

None of these changes spell an end to your sex life - and with the right accomodations, you can have a rich sexual life well into old age (whatever that is!).

Racing Thoughts or Racy Thoughts?

Do thoughts of the presentation you’re giving at work tomorrow and the running list of errands before and after work keep you from getting into the mood tonight? Sometimes your hyperactive brain can shut down your ability to relax and keep you from focusing on the pleasure available in the moment. Turning down the volume on all those racing thoughts can be a challenge, but you can learn how to get more in charge of your puppy mind and use it to your advantage in the bedroom.

Try writing down your thoughts before going to bed. The thought process is often very circular so thoughts keep going around and around in your head. When you write, you use a part of the brain that is more linear so the thoughts quit spinning and you get more closure on them. Write down a to-do list for the next day so that you can stop the mental rehearsal.

After you’ve emptied your thoughts onto paper, use the freed up space to begin thinking sexy thoughts – fantasies, favorite sexual memories, hot scenes from movies, etc. If your mind returns to the anxiety of the day, practice letting it go and returning to the fantasy of the day. Focus on relaxation. Take some deep breaths. Don’t let your sexual desire be snuffed out by bullying anti-sex thoughts. Strengthen your sexual response by turning racing thoughts into racy thoughts.

"It's all about him..."

I recently received an email that echoed a complaint I've heard from more than a few women. It's about those men who tend to be selfish in their love-making. If you're a woman who feels like your sexual wants come in a distant second to your partner's wants, it's time to get more vocal. Are you asking for what you want? Your partner is probably putting his wants right out there on the table - it's up to you to make sure that you have a place at that table. Tell your partner how much you love it when he does ______. Let your partner know what treats you have in store for him after he's pleasured you in the way that you want. Let your partner know that you'll be a lot more interested in sex when it includes more of the things that you enjoy.
Don't settle for less than you deserve - your partner can't be selfish in the sack without your cooperation!

"I've got a headache..."

Maybe it's not how to initiate sex that's a problem for you, but how to turn it down - without making your partner feel like a toad. I'm going to assume that you have a legitimate reason for refusing your partner's advances. Sometimes you really do have a headache or you're too busy or too tired, but that can sound like yesterday's news to your partner who might be starting to feel like yesterday's news. Here are a couple of tips for those times when 'yes' just isn't an option for you:

1. Don't assume that all your partner cares about is sex. Sex is a whole lot more than scratching an itch - it's a way to connect, to feel close, to feel wanted and desired. If you write off your partner's interest in sex as nothing more than a biological urge, then you're likely to respond to their advances with sighs, anger, disgust, or sarcasm. If, instead, you see your partner's desire as a bid for connection, you're more likely to be gentle in your refusal.
2. When you turn your partner down, suggest another time that would work better for you. For example, "I've got to get this project finished for work, but I'd love to fool around this evening when I'm more relaxed" or "I'm just not awake yet - can we wait until after breakfast?"

Being gentle and offering an alternative time for sex respects the risk involved for your partner as well as your need for stress-free sex.