Why Bother? Part 3

One more plug for keeping on getting it on: Sex not only keeps you looking and feeling young, it may actually help you to live longer.

Several studies have established that sexual activity is significant in extending lifespan. One long-term study in Ireland of a thousand men between the ages of 45 and 59 found that after 10 years, the least sexually active men had a death rate that was twice as high as that of the most sexually active group even after controlling for many other differences. These Irish researchers also conducteda follow-up study in 2001 which found that men who had sex 3 or more times a week reduced their risk of having a heart attack or stroke in half. Pretty impressive medicine!

Just Do It!

I read an interview this week with a couple who put sex right up there with tooth brushing - something you squeeze in no matter how hectic life gets. Since both have very busy schedules, they were asked how they've managed to maintain an active sexual life. Their responses reflected a Nike type attitude: "You have to work, you have to travel, you have to have friends, you have to have sex. A well-rounded life involves those things."

That may be easier said than done, but it's true that we make time for the things we value. Are you one of those people who claim you don't have time for exercise? Maybe it's time to put more sex in your life and count that as your exercise. Just do it!

"I've got a headache..."

Maybe it's not how to initiate sex that's a problem for you, but how to turn it down - without making your partner feel like a toad. I'm going to assume that you have a legitimate reason for refusing your partner's advances. Sometimes you really do have a headache or you're too busy or too tired, but that can sound like yesterday's news to your partner who might be starting to feel like yesterday's news. Here are a couple of tips for those times when 'yes' just isn't an option for you:

1. Don't assume that all your partner cares about is sex. Sex is a whole lot more than scratching an itch - it's a way to connect, to feel close, to feel wanted and desired. If you write off your partner's interest in sex as nothing more than a biological urge, then you're likely to respond to their advances with sighs, anger, disgust, or sarcasm. If, instead, you see your partner's desire as a bid for connection, you're more likely to be gentle in your refusal.
2. When you turn your partner down, suggest another time that would work better for you. For example, "I've got to get this project finished for work, but I'd love to fool around this evening when I'm more relaxed" or "I'm just not awake yet - can we wait until after breakfast?"

Being gentle and offering an alternative time for sex respects the risk involved for your partner as well as your need for stress-free sex.

Sex Talk

I received two emails recently about how hard it can be to talk about sex with a partner. A woman wrote: "I don't have any problem talking about sex with my husband unless it's about OUR sex life. Then I freeze up or blurt things out or tapdance around what I really want to say. Why is it so difficult?" A man wrote, "I want to talk with my partner about our sexual likes and dislikes instead of both of us just trying to guess what the other wants, but I'm afraid of coming across as inexperienced or unromantic. I feel like I'm supposed to know what turns her on - you know, like Don Juan."

Most people feel a lot of vulnerability around their sexuality which can make them very sensitive to comments about their sexual 'performance'. In other words, how many good answers are there to the question, "Was it good for you?" So how can you make it safe to talk about sex with your partner?

First, pick a good time to talk - which, unless your feedback is strictly positive, is never when you're in the middle of sex. And never, never, never when you're in the middle of an argument. Pick a time when you're both calm and relaxed and feeling connected. Second, focus a lot more on what you like rather than what you don't like, for example, "The thing that turns me on the most is....." or "I really love it when you...." When you need to share information about something you dislike, avoid being critical. Try, "For some reason, I tense up when ....." Then it's more about you than your partner. Don't let fear or discomfort bully you into silence. It's only by talking openly with your partner that you can have the sex life you deserve.

You Want to do WHAT???

If novelty in the bedroom just isn’t your thing, your reaction to your partner’s latest sex toy purchase was probably something on the order of “it will be a cold day in hell…” I understand your reluctance to step out of the comfortable and familiar sexual world you’ve created with your partner. You imagine feeling tense and embarrassed and awkward – the exact opposite of what you want to feel when you’re naked and vulnerable and ready to get it on.

What I’d like to suggest is that you take some baby steps. If your partner wants to use a vibrator during sex play, try it out for awhile when you’re alone so that you get used to it. If it’s dirty talk that turns your partner on but you’ve never been able to get the first dirty word out of your mouth, practice a scaled-down version in front of the mirror until it doesn’t feel like you’re spitting up a hair-ball.

The only way to stretch your comfort zone is to take a few steps out of it – which is, of course, uncomfortable. But by pushing yourself a little bit, the unknown becomes less frightening – and you might even find that you’re the one who’s getting turned on.

Sleep Trumps Sex

“I enjoy sex, but when my head hits the pillow at night, all I want to do is sleep. Sex is the last thing on my mind.” Does this sound familiar? If so, you’ve got a lot of company. Most of us have too much on our plate – children, work, ageing parents, church involvement, meals to cook and bills to pay. The list goes on and on. In order to get everything done, we’ve become a nation of multi-taskers. The problem with multi-tasking is that it creates a mind-numbing fatigue by the end of the day. No wonder sex comes in a distant second to sleep!

To create some energy for sex, start by eliminating a few activities that aren’t essential. Take a hard look at how you spend your time and identify the areas where you invest a lot but get little in return. Maybe it’s someone else’s turn to be PTA president or Scout leader. Scale back, ask for more help, and learn to say no. Try doing just one thing at a time. Then, create some time for sex when sleep isn’t such a high priority – Sunday afternoon, Saturday morning, or in place of Dancing With The Stars. Sleep is important – just don’t let sleep make you sexless.

'Do Not Disturb'

If your house feels like grand central station this summer, with teenagers and college-aged children - and their friends - coming and going at all hours, finding some privacy for sex can present a challenge. Beyond locking your bedroom door and cranking up some music, what else can you do? First, make sure you take advantage of the times when you know you're going to have the house to yourselves for awhile. That's not the time to go out for a movie or shopping for new patio furniture. Second, get some action going when the kids' action has stopped - in the mornings. If getting in the mood is tough for you in the a.m., try ditching the newspaper for something a little more stimulating to go with your morning coffee. Third, practice 'silent sex'. Muffling your moans and having sex on the QT can actually add to the excitement. Finally, if your mind simply doesn't have a 'do not disturb' function that allows you to tune out the distractions of a busy household, check into a local motel occasionally (that's WITH your partner) and spend a night - or an afternoon - putting the sizzle back in your summer.

Same Old, Same Old

The complaint is as familiar as the start-up routine itself - a predictable set of moves used to get things going between the sheets: "It's the hand moving up and down my back, followed by a grab of my boob and humping me from behind. Why can't he ever change it up a little? Even if I was interested in sex, the same old tired groping ends up turning me off! If he just kissed me on the back of the neck and maybe stroked my hair, I'd get turned on a lot faster. I've tried talking to him about it, but he always gets angry."

And it's not just the start-up routine that lacks variety. How many of you are craving something other than the usual 5-10 minutes of touching and rubbing followed by intercourse in the same one or two positions? Maybe you've gotten lazy - or maybe you're greeted with the big chill when you bring out the furry handcuffs or suggest playing out a nurse/patient fantasy.


There's a certain comfort in predictability - and sometimes a quickie fits the bill perfectly- but novelty is what keeps things interesting and exciting. If you know every move your partner is going to make before they make it (and they know your moves, as well), it's time to do something - ANYTHING - different. Use your imagination. Change positions, change locations, change the start-up, change what you're wearing, change roles. It might take a little more time and energy, but it's easier than changing partners.

Sex and Cellulite

I frequently hear from women whose sexual desire has plummeted as the discomfort with their bodies has intensified. Many women in their late 40's and 50's are witnessing the effect of time and gravity on their ageing bodies. Sagging breasts, poochy bellies, cellulite-ridden thighs, upper arm flab - the list of hated body features seems to go on and on. It's a rare woman in our youth and thin-obsessed culture who feels good about her body. Even skinny women have no shortage of body-hatred as they compare themselves to the genetically blessed and/or surgically enhanced models which fill our TV screens and magazines.

Poor body image has a direct impact on whether women are comfortable engaging in sex. If you're uncomfortable in your body and you're imagining your partner recoiling in disgust at first contact with some extra flesh, then it's unlikely that you're relaxed enough - much less hot enough - to have passionate, steamy sex. Never mind that men, unlike women, don't tend to zero in on cellulite or saddle bags. The majority of men focus on NAKED and WILLING.

So here's the deal: exercise, tone-up, change what you can, but begin to appreciate all that your body does for you and stop waging war with it. Make a habit of standing naked in front of a full-length mirror, keeping your claws in, until you reach a place of body acceptance - flaws and all.
It's only then that you'll be fully available for all the pleasure the body has to offer.