Sex and Cellulite

I frequently hear from women whose sexual desire has plummeted as the discomfort with their bodies has intensified. Many women in their late 40's and 50's are witnessing the effect of time and gravity on their ageing bodies. Sagging breasts, poochy bellies, cellulite-ridden thighs, upper arm flab - the list of hated body features seems to go on and on. It's a rare woman in our youth and thin-obsessed culture who feels good about her body. Even skinny women have no shortage of body-hatred as they compare themselves to the genetically blessed and/or surgically enhanced models which fill our TV screens and magazines.

Poor body image has a direct impact on whether women are comfortable engaging in sex. If you're uncomfortable in your body and you're imagining your partner recoiling in disgust at first contact with some extra flesh, then it's unlikely that you're relaxed enough - much less hot enough - to have passionate, steamy sex. Never mind that men, unlike women, don't tend to zero in on cellulite or saddle bags. The majority of men focus on NAKED and WILLING.

So here's the deal: exercise, tone-up, change what you can, but begin to appreciate all that your body does for you and stop waging war with it. Make a habit of standing naked in front of a full-length mirror, keeping your claws in, until you reach a place of body acceptance - flaws and all.
It's only then that you'll be fully available for all the pleasure the body has to offer.

When One Head Isn't Working....

A man came up after a workshop to speak with me privately. He was obviously embarrased and uncomfortable and I had to strain to hear him. He confessed that he'd lost his sex drive since turning 50 a year ago and wondered what was wrong with him. He'd checked out ok at the doctor, but his wife was insisting that he "do something" to fix the problem. Trouble was, he didn't know how to fix a problem he couldn't name. And he was too ashamed about having the problem to seek help.

Time didn't allow for an exploration of the possible causes of this man's sexual shut-down, but it helped him to know that he's not alone. Many men of the boomer generation are flopping - so to speak - in the desire department. We just don't hear as much about them because men feel 'unmanly' when their sex drive becomes a whisper instead of a roar. But men are subject to the same desire-killers as women: antidepressants, stress, fatigue, medications for high blood pressure and diabetes, depression, low self esteem, resentment and many others. The challenge for men is to acknowledge the problem and then to become solution-focused. The solutions may involve changes in medication, lifestyle, a relationship, work, and/or sexual activity. The latter might include becoming less orgasm focused or introducing more novelty into the sexual repertoire. In other words, men, when one head isn't working, use the other.

Wake up, Boomers!

It was in the mid-90’s that I began to hear the stories. The stories were wistful, poignant, and strikingly similar:

“I just don’t have any sex drive anymore. Sex is still good whenever we get around to it, but if it weren’t for Tom, I don’t think we’d ever GET around to it. Oh, maybe I’d miss it eventually, but it’s fallen way down on my list of priorities. I never thought I’d be one of those women who make up excuses to avoid sex.”

“ I retired last year and was looking forward to having more time with my wife. Sheila. My youngest left for college in the fall, and I had visions of Sheila and I chasing each other around our empty nest and making love in every room of the house. But now that I’m here, I just don’t have that much interest in sex – and Sheila doesn’t seem that interested either. Maybe we got so used to going without it that we don’t think about it anymore. Maybe it’s true what they say – ‘if you don’t use it, you lose it’.”

“These days are a far cry from our early years together. I used to get tired of Kent’s constant badgering for sex….now I could strip naked and dance around the living room and he’d be pissed off because I was blocking the TV. It’s not that I’ve turned into a sex maniac or anything – it would just be nice to feel wanted once in a while. I wonder if it’s him or if I just don’t turn him on anymore.”

You get the picture. These are stories from Baby Boomers – the generation that ushered in the Sexual Revolution. As a card carrying member of that generation – and as a sex educator and marriage therapist – I know that sex doesn't have to go down the tubes in mid-life. I also know that relationships pay a high price when sex goes AWOL. My goal is to help boomers move their sex drive into a higher gear and claim the benefits of a rich and rewarding sex life. Send me your stories and questions, and I'll post solutions and suggestions in this blog. Respond anonymously in comments or feel free to send me an email.