Getting in the Mood

Maybe you want to have a good sexual relationship with your partner, but you’re one of those people who just never finds yourself ‘in the mood’. What can you do to jumpstart your sex drive?

First you need to decide that you’re going to make sex a higher priority than watching reruns of CSI. Put it on your to-do list. Unless you decide that sex is important in your relationship, you’ll get around to it about as often as you get around to cleaning the coils on your refrigerator.

Once you’ve cleared some space in your head for sex, actively encourage sexual thoughts - like fantasizing about an encounter with the UPS guy who delivered your mini-blinds (guys: substitute the long-legged brunette you noticed roller-blading in the park). Fantasy can get the sexual juices flowing and stir sexual interest in your partner. Pay attention to any spontaneous sexual thoughts you may have and turn up the volume on them. Make it a point to mentally replay favorite sexual memories and adventures you’ve experienced with your partner. Fire up your imagination by watching sexy movies and reading erotic books. Your brain is the best friend you’ve got to help you start up a stalled sex drive, so develop a mental triptik to the places that turn you on and get going.

Menopause - or "Men: Pause!"?

I received an email from a woman wondering whether menopause could account for her loss of interest in sex. The short answer to that question is - possibly. However, long after menopause, the ovaries continue to produce estrogen and testosterone, both of which play an important role in sexual desire and response. But testosterone is the biggie in driving desire, and women have 10-100 times less testosterone than men from the get go. So women start out with a disadvantage in the desire department, and little things like MENOPAUSE don't help the cause. Luckily, menopause often comes along at a time when children are almost grown - maybe even gone! - and women are freed from some of their caregiving tasks. That means some new energy which can be directed toward more 'selfish' pursuits - like taking deep breaths and eating something other than fast food and sleeping for 7 hours straight. It also means more energy available for sex. The key is to forget about waiting for divine inspiration. Spontaneous desire is lovely when it happens (for many women, that's only when they're newly in love) but it's way over-rated. Sex is important and shouldn't be left to chance. Be intentional in creating opportunities for sex and jump-start your interest with whatever turns you on. Menopause doesn't have to be a' man-pause'as long as you don't leave sex to the whim of desire.

Wake up, Boomers!

It was in the mid-90’s that I began to hear the stories. The stories were wistful, poignant, and strikingly similar:

“I just don’t have any sex drive anymore. Sex is still good whenever we get around to it, but if it weren’t for Tom, I don’t think we’d ever GET around to it. Oh, maybe I’d miss it eventually, but it’s fallen way down on my list of priorities. I never thought I’d be one of those women who make up excuses to avoid sex.”

“ I retired last year and was looking forward to having more time with my wife. Sheila. My youngest left for college in the fall, and I had visions of Sheila and I chasing each other around our empty nest and making love in every room of the house. But now that I’m here, I just don’t have that much interest in sex – and Sheila doesn’t seem that interested either. Maybe we got so used to going without it that we don’t think about it anymore. Maybe it’s true what they say – ‘if you don’t use it, you lose it’.”

“These days are a far cry from our early years together. I used to get tired of Kent’s constant badgering for sex….now I could strip naked and dance around the living room and he’d be pissed off because I was blocking the TV. It’s not that I’ve turned into a sex maniac or anything – it would just be nice to feel wanted once in a while. I wonder if it’s him or if I just don’t turn him on anymore.”

You get the picture. These are stories from Baby Boomers – the generation that ushered in the Sexual Revolution. As a card carrying member of that generation – and as a sex educator and marriage therapist – I know that sex doesn't have to go down the tubes in mid-life. I also know that relationships pay a high price when sex goes AWOL. My goal is to help boomers move their sex drive into a higher gear and claim the benefits of a rich and rewarding sex life. Send me your stories and questions, and I'll post solutions and suggestions in this blog. Respond anonymously in comments or feel free to send me an email.