Sleeping After Sex

Women often complain about a partner who rolls over and falls asleep immediately after sex when what the woman is looking for is a little post-sex cuddling and sweet talk. What's that all about?


Both men and women release oxytocin and vasopressin during sex which induce drowsiness, but men's sexual response cycle differs signficantly from women. Men drop very quickly from a state of maximum arousal and orgasm back to the pre-arousal state, whereas women experience a much more gradual decline. Typically, men are also exerting more physical energy during sex that contributes to their post-sex collapse.

If you're a woman who needs more after sex than the comforting sound of your partner's snoring, it's important to voice your need. Be reasonable in your request- ask for 10 minutes of your lover's time before you both drift off into a deep and restful sleep.

Sex and the Pill

I've heard recently from several women who belong to the 25% of birth control pill users who suffer sexual side effects from the Pill. The effects include decreased desire, difficulty with lubrication, and trouble reaching orgasm. This is a real problem for those affected because hormonal methods of birth control are the most effective means of pregnancy prevention (short of sterilization) and are the easiest to use.

The Pill affects a woman's testosterone levels which are significant in driving desire. The hormones block testosterone production in the ovaries and increase the production of the protein that attaches to testosterone to make it inactive.

If the Pill is killing any interest you ever had in sex, it's important to talk to your doctor about alternative forms of hormonal birth control. Your body may respond better to one pill than another. If you've tried a variety of different pills and are still suffering from sexual side effects, you may want to consider another kind of birth control altogether. Maybe not ideal, but better than a sex life that's dead in the water.

Decreasing the 'Work'

For those people who sometimes feel like sex is just too much work, I'd like to suggest some ways to reduce the workload. The following suggestions are not meant to apply to every sexual encounter but are for those times when you or your partner want to have sex but don't want to work too hard at it.

• Since each of you knows best how to get yourself to orgasm, you could simply engage in simultaneous masturbation. It can actually be a real turn-on and may lead to a more mutual lovemaking session at a later date when you have more energy.
• Use a vibrator as part of your lovemaking. For women, this can speed up arousal and shorten the time needed to reach orgasm.
• Let your partner know if you're receptive to sex but don't want to put the energy into getting to orgasm. It really is ok to have sex without getting to the big "O".

Hopefully, you're not always going to be a lazy lover, but having some shortcuts as part of your repertoire can keep your sex life charged even when you're not.

Beating Fatigue

Fatigue is one of the biggest deterrents to an active sex life. Of course, getting more sleep and simplifying your life would create more energy for sex, but since that probably isn't going to happen any time soon for a lot of you, I wanted to suggest some other methods for standing up to fatigue.

• Be open to making out without the expectation of it leading to intercourse. Preconceived notions of what sex has to be can make it feel like too much effort.
• During the week when you're both tired, try alternating who gets to climax. One night it's your partner's turn, and the next time, it's all about you. When it's your turn, you'll get to relax and just enjoy the sensations without having to do a thing.
• Shower before you go to bed. It will help wake you up and make you feel more like getting up close and personal.
• Turn off the late show and get to bed an hour earlier than usual.
• If you have the flexibility, meet your partner at home on a lunch break. A nooner can leave you refreshed and energized for the rest of your work day.

The important thing is not to cave in to fatigue on a regular basis. If you get creative, your sex life can thrive regardless of your busy schedule and short nights.

Guys Faking Orgasm

When it comes to faking orgasm, women seem to have cornered the market. But findings from The Orgasm Survey indicate that women aren't the only ones engaging in this little deceit. Supposedly, almost one-fourth of the men surveyed have faked it at one time or another.

According to the results summarized on the web site, dearsugar.com, men fake orgasm for many of the same reasons as women:

He feels pressured to perform.
She's trying hard to please him, but his body's not cooperating.
He's exhausted and just wants to hit the hay.
He's not into the sex, and faking it is a way to get it over with.
He's not physically or emotionally attracted to his partner.
He's hiding his sexual identity.
He's with a new partner and can't relax enough to let go.
He doesn't want his partner to know he's having sexual issues.
He feels that having an orgasm is a way to prove he's manly.

For obvious reasons, it's got to be a little more difficult for men to fake it than women. But it is possible for a man to have an orgasm without ejaculation - and if he's using a condom, his partner may be none the wiser as long as he has good acting skills.

I'll go on record again as an opponent of the whole faking phenomenon. Honest communication and a de-emphasis on orgasm as a mandatory finish to every sexual encounter are definitely preferable.

Laughter in the Bedroom

When was the last time you laughed during sex? Hopefully it wasn't too long ago - and it was with your partner rather than at your partner. I've talked to couples who've never laughed during a sexual encounter and seem almost horrified at the prospect. For these men and women, sex is serious business. But sex can involve many different feelings and mind states, and playfulness is one of them.

Without the ability to play in the bedroom, it often feels unsafe to take risks. Sex is more likely to become routine and even boring without a spirit of adventure and the freedom to fail miserably at a new position or a daring technique. Laughter is not only freeing but also bonds you to your partner. Try introducing some silliness during your next roll in the hay - you could be in for some serious fun.

Foreplay before the Foreplay

It's frequently assumed that foreplay is part of the formula for getting a woman warmed up enough for intercourse. But interestingly enough, women who masturbate can usually reach orgasm in just a few minutes. So why does it take so much foreplay to get a woman primed for intercourse and orgasm?

The answer is that men often haven't taken the time to find out exactly how their partners like to be stimulated and how they can most easily reach orgasm. But more importantly, men may not realize that the most valuable kind of foreplay begins long before bodies start pressing against one another. When a woman feels validated, nurtured, and cared for throughout the day by her partner, it's a lot less of a stretch for her to respond to sexual overtures. Kissing, touching, and carressing aren't just about warming up the body - they're just as much about building a sense of connection. The more you stay connected during the day, the less foreplay may be needed at night.

Morning Erections

What does it mean when a man wakes up with an erection? It's certainly a common occurrence, but does it always signal an interest in morning sex? Not necessarily. Though some men love the idea of sex first thing in the morning, an early erection is sometimes more of a nuisance than a signal of desire. It may wake him up earlier than he wanted, and it usually makes it more difficult for him to urinate. If he's still half asleep, he may also feel irritated if his partner assumes that his erection is an invitation to play.

Erections during sleep occur due to dreams - but it doesn't mean he's dreaming about sex. Any kind of adventure or activity during a dream may cause an erection - which is why a morning erection may have nothing at all to do with sexual desire. Men already know this. If you're a woman, you may just need to ask.

Can A Penis Really Break?

For you Grey's Anatomy fans, you may be wondering about the recent episode in which Mark Sloan's penis supposedly 'broke' during a sexual romp in a break room of the hospital. They never explained exactly how it happened, but it was certainly grist for the hospital rumor mill.

Actually, when the penis is in an erect state and is bent in an unnatural direction, it can cause one of the ligaments in the penis to break. When a ligament breaks, it can result in internal bleeding which could permanently damage the penis. That's why it's important to get immediate medical attention from a urologist who can usually avert long-term damage.

The greatest potential for penis 'breakage' is when the woman is on top during intercourse. She needs to make sure not to pull out too far and then sit back down on it. The penis is a pretty tough appendage, but care should still be exercised when you're getting adventurous in the sack.

Genital Grooming

There was a time when grooming of the genital area was done primarily by actors in porn films. In recent years, however, men as well as women are taking more interest in spiffing up the genital region with trimming, waxing, shaving, and coloring. Not that there's anything wrong with the natural look. Going au natural saves a lot of time and energy that could be used to ramp up your sex life without all the on-going maintenance. But if you're interested in a tidier look, there's a number of ways to get it.

Many women leave their genital grooming to the professionals who typically use hot wax to remove hair. Shaving can be problematic due to the irritation it can cause and the itching that accompanies regrowth. Some women swear by beard trimmers though there are also bikini shavers on the market. Depilatory creams can be used for the bikini lines, but caution needs to be exercised when using harsh chemicals in the genital region. Same goes for those who want to color their pubic hair rather than get rid of it. There are nontoxic hair dyes available that won't be as likely to irritate.

And yes, there are men who shave and trim the pubic area also. I'm not sure if that's for themselves or for their partners, but some men report feeling cleaner without the hair between their legs and feel like they're less likely to develop an odor.

To each, his or her own!

HRT

Testosterone directly affects the brain and increases libido. Testosterone also affects mood. Women whose hormones are being produced by their own ovaries have a lower rate of depression than women who have had their ovaries removed, even if hormone replacement therapy (HRT) is taken.

Hormone production is a complex process, and it’s not surprising that HRT often falls short in replicating and maintaining normal hormone levels. Many women whose ovaries have been removed aren’t even taking hormones because of the controversy over HRT and the possible link to breast and ovarian cancer. Those who are will still experience a decline in circulating testosterone. Hormone balance is fragile and complex, and hormonal changes can have a significant impact on sexuality.

If you're considering a hysterectomy, especially one that includes the removal of the ovaries, it's important to get a second opinion. Explore all your options and know the risks and benefits of each. If you've already had a total hysterectomy and experienced a significant decline in sexual interest, you might want to talk to your doctor about the possibility of a testosterone gel to help boost your desire.

Hysterectomy

Hysterectomy is the second most frequently performed major surgical procedure for women of reproductive age in the United States, second only to cesarean section. By the age of 60, one out of every three women in the U.S. has had a hysterectomy. It seems that American doctors have utilized hysterectomies as a quick and easy fix for ‘female problems’.

Among women who had a hysterectomy between the years of 1994 and 1999, 55% also had their ovaries removed. In 40% of the cases, the women were less than 45 years old at the time of the procedure. Since 1965, the percentage of women whose hysterectomies also included the removal of the ovaries has doubled. This is a problem because the removal of the ovaries is the equivalent of male castration! Removal of both ovaries causes an immediate 50% reduction in circulating testosterone, and a more than 80% drop in circulating estrogen. Testosterone and estrogen play a vital role in both sexual desire and sexual functioning. When left in place, the ovaries produce hormones long after menopause and support healthy sexual response and performance.

What about hormone replacement therapy? Is that the answer to restoring sexual desire? I'll address that tomorrow.

The Hymen

There's a lot of misinformation about the hymen - the thin membrane that's located at the front of the vagina. The membrane can be solid (pretty unusual), perforated, or almost non-existent. It's often thought that the hymen stays intact until the time of first intercourse, which then results in bleeding. But some women may not bleed at all when they lose their virginity because they may have been born without a hymen or it may have been torn or stretched long before they became sexually active.

The pain that a woman may experience during her first intercourse is usually less related to the tearing of the hymen and more related to lack of sexual arousal. If she's scared about what is about to happen, her vagina may constrict, and she may lack sufficient lubrication for things to proceed smoothly. It usually goes a lot better the second time - and the third, and the fourth...

Female Ejaculation - Truth or Myth?

Here's the truth - some women do ejaculate following orgasm. Women who have experienced this phenomenon may have assumed that the expelled fluid was just urine from a leaky bladder and been embarrassed about it. But there is plenty of evidence now that the fluid is actually similar to male prostate fluid and is nothing to be ashamed of. It may simply be the result of a really powerful orgasm. It is not, however, going to resemble the women ejaculating in some porno films where the fluid shoots across the room!

If you're a woman who ejaculates, it's important to know that you fall well into the range of 'normal'. Relax and enjoy it - and put a towel down if you're worried about drenching the sheets. If you're a woman who has never experienced an ejaculation following orgasm, you're also 'normal'. Don't let anyone try to convince you that you're somehow lacking or defective.

Once again, variation is the norm. That's why it's important to know your body - and that of your partner.

Vagina Travelogue

On Jan. 30th, I wrote a post on the vulva and promised to write my next post on the vagina. Then I forgot. So this week I'm returning to the mysteries of female sexual anatomy.

The vagina is often considered an inert tube that, sexually speaking, just serves as a receptacle for the penis during intercourse. But it's far more active than you might imagine. Normally, the walls of the vagina lie flat against each other, but when aroused the vagina straightens out and expands in length. In an aroused state, the outer third of the vagina becomes narrower and the back part opens up. It's the outer third that is also more sensitive to touch, while the back two-thirds are more sensitive to pressure. The back part may expand prior to orgasm and then contract. That's a lot of activity.

Then there's the lubrication that's also going on. There's a great deal of variation in how much lubrication is produced during arousal, and the degree of wetness is an unreliable indicator of how aroused a woman is. There can also be differences in lubrication depending on the phases of the menstrual cycle.

The sensitivity of the vagina differs from one woman to another, as does the satisfaction experienced by having a penis inside the vagina. Some women love it - others could be just as happy skipping intercourse altogether. It's up to you to explore, experiment, and discover the secrets of this hidden cavern.

Sex Alternatives

OK - if you're one of those women who feels decidedly unsexy when you're on your period, and anything having to do with sex is about as appealing as a colonoscopy, you're probably not going to take kindly to any suggestions I might make about giving your partner a hand-job or a blow-job. So I'll skip the obvious alternatives to intercourse and move on to other ideas.

First, just as a thought, I'd like you to consider the connection between your period and your femininity. Menstruation, far from being a 'curse', is part of the reproductive cycle that is a fundamental aspect of being female. Rather than shutting down your sexual responsiveness, your period can help you stay connected to your sexuality.

But if you feel bloated, crampy, and fat during your period and sex just isn't on the agenda, you can still foster closeness with your partner. Bake a batch of his favorite cookies, give him a foot rub or a scalp massage, or ask him to give you some special nurturing - like preparing a bath for you or bringing home some flowers. The idea is to use your period as a time to nourish closeness rather than to increase distance. The last thing you need during that week is a partner who's irritable and grumpy about being shutout and shut down.

Period Sex - A Survey

After extolling the benefits of sex during menstruation, I thought you might be interested in the results of a poll given to 1,290 women to assess their feelings on the subject. Here's how it broke down:

Sure, why not? If he doesn't care, I'm all for it! I actually have great sex while I have my period.
26% (341)

It depends if I'm in the mood or not. Typically, not the first day, but I'm open to it!
30% (389)

No way! It's gross and I feel way too fat to be in the mood.
43% (560)

Tomorrow I'll talk about alternatives to intercourse in case you happen to fall in the last category.

Periods

There seem to be strong feelings among a lot of people regarding sex during menstruation. Although some don't give it a second thought, there are many who still find it strictly taboo. Now maybe it's just a convenient excuse to avoid sex for those who aren't very interested in the first place, or maybe the idea of dealing with a little extra mess is a disincentive - but having sex during a woman's period not only isn't harmful to either partner, there are actually benefits to it.

The contractions of orgasm can help decrease menstrual cramping, there's a reduced risk of pregnancy, and menstrual swelling can sometimes lead to stronger orgasms for women. There's also more lubrication to facilitate intercourse. Plus, it's a chance to be close and reconnect for those who suffer from some rough interpersonal days prior to their period due to PMS.

As for the mess - simply putting a nice thick towel down between you and the sheets keeps you from doing a lot of extra laundry. The towels seem to wash just fine, but if you don't trust it, you can keep a supply of towels around just for that purpose.

Eliminating one week a month from your sex life isn't smart if you're wanting to revive your sex life. Besides - life is short. It would be a shame to miss out on an opportunity for physical closeness with your partner just because of a little period.

Breasts

Because men seem to be very breast-focused, a lot of women worry about the size of their breasts. The popularity of boob jobs is a testimony to the value women place on breast size. Some women claim that they have breast enhancement surgery not to attract a mate or please their current partner but to feel better about themselves - but it's the emphasis on breasts by men and by the media that create that need.

If you're a woman contemplating breast enlargement, you might want to consider women who are sexy without double-D's. If you're able to feel attractive and confident in your double-A bra, you won't have any trouble with desirability. In fact, it's probably the boost in confidence following a boob job that accounts for an increase in a woman's sexiness quotient more than the increase in bra size.

There are lots of advantages to small breasts - going braless, jogging with ease, less sag factor, men looking you in the eye instead of in the chest, etc. If you're lusting after bigger breasts, try making a list of all the benefits of being smaller. If you can claim a sense of yourself as a sexy woman without the Dolly Parton look, you're way ahead of the game.

Does Size Matter?

When it comes to sex and size, 'penis' may be the first thing that comes to mind. But, of course, women may also worry about the size of their breasts and how that affects their desirability. Today, I'll talk about penis size and tomorrow I'll move on to breasts.

Though you've probably already heard that penis size doesn't really matter much when it comes to sexually pleasing a partner, that hasn't put the anxiety to rest for a lot of men who worry about 'measuring up'. The reality is that it does matter to some women - those who enjoy a sense of fullness during intercourse or those who associate a larger penis with greater virility. But there are also women who actually prefer a smaller penis - and most women select small to medium-size dildos for pleasuring themselves. What does that tell you?

If you're a man who's a little less than well-endowed, you can more than make up for what you're lacking by developing skill with your hands, mouth, tongue, and heart. I don't know many women who would trade in a loving, sensitive partner for a man who's well-hung.