'Let's Get It On...' - The Start-Up

Some people struggle with how to let their partner know when they're "in the mood for love". If you want to increase the odds of generating some interest, I'd suggest asking your partner what kind of approach he/she prefers. Some people like a direct approach while others are turned off without a little romance or seduction. Initiating sex is risky business. Hearing 'no' can feel like rejection - even though there may be a very good reason for your partner's lack of interest. Some couples develop their own signals to let each other know when they're interested - like lighting a certain candle in the bedroom or leaving a stuffed animal on your bedmate's pillow. Even if your partner blows out the candle or tosses the teddy bear, that's a little easier to take than a cold shoulder when you attempt to embrace your lover under the covers. So be creative in coming up with your own private love language - and be sure to listen when your partner clues you in or their start-up preferences.

Sex Talk

I received two emails recently about how hard it can be to talk about sex with a partner. A woman wrote: "I don't have any problem talking about sex with my husband unless it's about OUR sex life. Then I freeze up or blurt things out or tapdance around what I really want to say. Why is it so difficult?" A man wrote, "I want to talk with my partner about our sexual likes and dislikes instead of both of us just trying to guess what the other wants, but I'm afraid of coming across as inexperienced or unromantic. I feel like I'm supposed to know what turns her on - you know, like Don Juan."

Most people feel a lot of vulnerability around their sexuality which can make them very sensitive to comments about their sexual 'performance'. In other words, how many good answers are there to the question, "Was it good for you?" So how can you make it safe to talk about sex with your partner?

First, pick a good time to talk - which, unless your feedback is strictly positive, is never when you're in the middle of sex. And never, never, never when you're in the middle of an argument. Pick a time when you're both calm and relaxed and feeling connected. Second, focus a lot more on what you like rather than what you don't like, for example, "The thing that turns me on the most is....." or "I really love it when you...." When you need to share information about something you dislike, avoid being critical. Try, "For some reason, I tense up when ....." Then it's more about you than your partner. Don't let fear or discomfort bully you into silence. It's only by talking openly with your partner that you can have the sex life you deserve.

You Want to do WHAT???

If novelty in the bedroom just isn’t your thing, your reaction to your partner’s latest sex toy purchase was probably something on the order of “it will be a cold day in hell…” I understand your reluctance to step out of the comfortable and familiar sexual world you’ve created with your partner. You imagine feeling tense and embarrassed and awkward – the exact opposite of what you want to feel when you’re naked and vulnerable and ready to get it on.

What I’d like to suggest is that you take some baby steps. If your partner wants to use a vibrator during sex play, try it out for awhile when you’re alone so that you get used to it. If it’s dirty talk that turns your partner on but you’ve never been able to get the first dirty word out of your mouth, practice a scaled-down version in front of the mirror until it doesn’t feel like you’re spitting up a hair-ball.

The only way to stretch your comfort zone is to take a few steps out of it – which is, of course, uncomfortable. But by pushing yourself a little bit, the unknown becomes less frightening – and you might even find that you’re the one who’s getting turned on.

Sleep Trumps Sex

“I enjoy sex, but when my head hits the pillow at night, all I want to do is sleep. Sex is the last thing on my mind.” Does this sound familiar? If so, you’ve got a lot of company. Most of us have too much on our plate – children, work, ageing parents, church involvement, meals to cook and bills to pay. The list goes on and on. In order to get everything done, we’ve become a nation of multi-taskers. The problem with multi-tasking is that it creates a mind-numbing fatigue by the end of the day. No wonder sex comes in a distant second to sleep!

To create some energy for sex, start by eliminating a few activities that aren’t essential. Take a hard look at how you spend your time and identify the areas where you invest a lot but get little in return. Maybe it’s someone else’s turn to be PTA president or Scout leader. Scale back, ask for more help, and learn to say no. Try doing just one thing at a time. Then, create some time for sex when sleep isn’t such a high priority – Sunday afternoon, Saturday morning, or in place of Dancing With The Stars. Sleep is important – just don’t let sleep make you sexless.

'Do Not Disturb'

If your house feels like grand central station this summer, with teenagers and college-aged children - and their friends - coming and going at all hours, finding some privacy for sex can present a challenge. Beyond locking your bedroom door and cranking up some music, what else can you do? First, make sure you take advantage of the times when you know you're going to have the house to yourselves for awhile. That's not the time to go out for a movie or shopping for new patio furniture. Second, get some action going when the kids' action has stopped - in the mornings. If getting in the mood is tough for you in the a.m., try ditching the newspaper for something a little more stimulating to go with your morning coffee. Third, practice 'silent sex'. Muffling your moans and having sex on the QT can actually add to the excitement. Finally, if your mind simply doesn't have a 'do not disturb' function that allows you to tune out the distractions of a busy household, check into a local motel occasionally (that's WITH your partner) and spend a night - or an afternoon - putting the sizzle back in your summer.

Getting in the Mood

Maybe you want to have a good sexual relationship with your partner, but you’re one of those people who just never finds yourself ‘in the mood’. What can you do to jumpstart your sex drive?

First you need to decide that you’re going to make sex a higher priority than watching reruns of CSI. Put it on your to-do list. Unless you decide that sex is important in your relationship, you’ll get around to it about as often as you get around to cleaning the coils on your refrigerator.

Once you’ve cleared some space in your head for sex, actively encourage sexual thoughts - like fantasizing about an encounter with the UPS guy who delivered your mini-blinds (guys: substitute the long-legged brunette you noticed roller-blading in the park). Fantasy can get the sexual juices flowing and stir sexual interest in your partner. Pay attention to any spontaneous sexual thoughts you may have and turn up the volume on them. Make it a point to mentally replay favorite sexual memories and adventures you’ve experienced with your partner. Fire up your imagination by watching sexy movies and reading erotic books. Your brain is the best friend you’ve got to help you start up a stalled sex drive, so develop a mental triptik to the places that turn you on and get going.

Same Old, Same Old

The complaint is as familiar as the start-up routine itself - a predictable set of moves used to get things going between the sheets: "It's the hand moving up and down my back, followed by a grab of my boob and humping me from behind. Why can't he ever change it up a little? Even if I was interested in sex, the same old tired groping ends up turning me off! If he just kissed me on the back of the neck and maybe stroked my hair, I'd get turned on a lot faster. I've tried talking to him about it, but he always gets angry."

And it's not just the start-up routine that lacks variety. How many of you are craving something other than the usual 5-10 minutes of touching and rubbing followed by intercourse in the same one or two positions? Maybe you've gotten lazy - or maybe you're greeted with the big chill when you bring out the furry handcuffs or suggest playing out a nurse/patient fantasy.


There's a certain comfort in predictability - and sometimes a quickie fits the bill perfectly- but novelty is what keeps things interesting and exciting. If you know every move your partner is going to make before they make it (and they know your moves, as well), it's time to do something - ANYTHING - different. Use your imagination. Change positions, change locations, change the start-up, change what you're wearing, change roles. It might take a little more time and energy, but it's easier than changing partners.

Sex and Cellulite

I frequently hear from women whose sexual desire has plummeted as the discomfort with their bodies has intensified. Many women in their late 40's and 50's are witnessing the effect of time and gravity on their ageing bodies. Sagging breasts, poochy bellies, cellulite-ridden thighs, upper arm flab - the list of hated body features seems to go on and on. It's a rare woman in our youth and thin-obsessed culture who feels good about her body. Even skinny women have no shortage of body-hatred as they compare themselves to the genetically blessed and/or surgically enhanced models which fill our TV screens and magazines.

Poor body image has a direct impact on whether women are comfortable engaging in sex. If you're uncomfortable in your body and you're imagining your partner recoiling in disgust at first contact with some extra flesh, then it's unlikely that you're relaxed enough - much less hot enough - to have passionate, steamy sex. Never mind that men, unlike women, don't tend to zero in on cellulite or saddle bags. The majority of men focus on NAKED and WILLING.

So here's the deal: exercise, tone-up, change what you can, but begin to appreciate all that your body does for you and stop waging war with it. Make a habit of standing naked in front of a full-length mirror, keeping your claws in, until you reach a place of body acceptance - flaws and all.
It's only then that you'll be fully available for all the pleasure the body has to offer.

When One Head Isn't Working....

A man came up after a workshop to speak with me privately. He was obviously embarrased and uncomfortable and I had to strain to hear him. He confessed that he'd lost his sex drive since turning 50 a year ago and wondered what was wrong with him. He'd checked out ok at the doctor, but his wife was insisting that he "do something" to fix the problem. Trouble was, he didn't know how to fix a problem he couldn't name. And he was too ashamed about having the problem to seek help.

Time didn't allow for an exploration of the possible causes of this man's sexual shut-down, but it helped him to know that he's not alone. Many men of the boomer generation are flopping - so to speak - in the desire department. We just don't hear as much about them because men feel 'unmanly' when their sex drive becomes a whisper instead of a roar. But men are subject to the same desire-killers as women: antidepressants, stress, fatigue, medications for high blood pressure and diabetes, depression, low self esteem, resentment and many others. The challenge for men is to acknowledge the problem and then to become solution-focused. The solutions may involve changes in medication, lifestyle, a relationship, work, and/or sexual activity. The latter might include becoming less orgasm focused or introducing more novelty into the sexual repertoire. In other words, men, when one head isn't working, use the other.

Simmering - But Not With Desire

The email radiated resentment. "Every weekend it's the same thing. I'm running around like a crazy person trying to do the errands and housework and laundry that piled up during the week, and he's lying on the couch watching TV. By Saturday night, I'm exhausted and he's ready for some action in the sack. He thinks I'm punishing him when I give him the cold shoulder, but I just don't feel like having sex when I'm tired and pissed off. I've told him why I'm not interested, but he just doesn't get it. What's so hard to 'get'?

Resentment is the #1 desire-killer in relationships. It's the slow-simmering anger that comes when you feel alone, when you feel like your partner isn't listening to you or understanding you, when you feel taken for granted, when you feel like you're 'doing it all', or when you feel like your needs just don't matter. The emailer's partner is probably tired of being nagged and criticized (deserved or not!) and is beginning to build some resentment of his own. The way he sees it, his needs aren't being met either. So how do you break this vicious cycle?

First, speak up when your feelings are hurt, your needs aren't being met, or you disagree about something. But instead of complaining, make specific requests. Don't expect your partner to see things the same way you do, but do expect to be taken seriously. Learn to let go of the little stuff but stand your ground on the stuff that's eating you up inside. Don't begin any sentence with "If you loved me, you would...." Love probably has little if anything to do with why your partner doesn't jump off the couch to go scrub the toilet when he sees you running the vacuum. Don't 'parent' your partner - even if he or she is acting like a child. It's a lose-lose. And finally, don't let any good deed go unrewarded. Take a cue from animal trainers and reinforce even the smallest effort your partner makes in the right direction. It's the surest way to get more of what you want - which will make you a happier camper and hopefully, a more interested sex partner.

My Antidepressant is Making Me Depressed!

Many of my clients who are on antidepressants complain of sexual side effects including decreased sex drive, difficulty with arousal, and difficulty reaching orgasm. It's enough to make some people ditch the pills and opt for depression instead. But the problem there is that depression itself torpedoes the sex drive - which leaves the depressed person between a rock and a hard place.

Rather than ditching the pills, it's important to talk to your doctor about solutions. One solution may be substituting one antidepressant for another with a lower risk of sexual problems. Sometimes Wellbutrin is prescribed in addition to your regular antidepressant to help counteract sexual side effects. You can also ask your doctor about the possibility of taking brief drug holidays. People sometimes benefit by taking their last dose for the week on Thursday morning and resuming at noon on Sunday. There can be a significant improvement in sexual functioning during the drug-free period without causing the depression to worsen.

Bottom line, depression is a desire-killer and so are some of the medications used for treating it. If you need an antidepressant, don't let the fear of sexual side effects keep you from getting the help that you need. You may not experience any side effects at all. If you do, speak up - loudly - to your doctor and insist that your concerns be taken seriously. Don't let your antidepressant make you sexless and depressed!

Menopause - or "Men: Pause!"?

I received an email from a woman wondering whether menopause could account for her loss of interest in sex. The short answer to that question is - possibly. However, long after menopause, the ovaries continue to produce estrogen and testosterone, both of which play an important role in sexual desire and response. But testosterone is the biggie in driving desire, and women have 10-100 times less testosterone than men from the get go. So women start out with a disadvantage in the desire department, and little things like MENOPAUSE don't help the cause. Luckily, menopause often comes along at a time when children are almost grown - maybe even gone! - and women are freed from some of their caregiving tasks. That means some new energy which can be directed toward more 'selfish' pursuits - like taking deep breaths and eating something other than fast food and sleeping for 7 hours straight. It also means more energy available for sex. The key is to forget about waiting for divine inspiration. Spontaneous desire is lovely when it happens (for many women, that's only when they're newly in love) but it's way over-rated. Sex is important and shouldn't be left to chance. Be intentional in creating opportunities for sex and jump-start your interest with whatever turns you on. Menopause doesn't have to be a' man-pause'as long as you don't leave sex to the whim of desire.

Wake up, Boomers!

It was in the mid-90’s that I began to hear the stories. The stories were wistful, poignant, and strikingly similar:

“I just don’t have any sex drive anymore. Sex is still good whenever we get around to it, but if it weren’t for Tom, I don’t think we’d ever GET around to it. Oh, maybe I’d miss it eventually, but it’s fallen way down on my list of priorities. I never thought I’d be one of those women who make up excuses to avoid sex.”

“ I retired last year and was looking forward to having more time with my wife. Sheila. My youngest left for college in the fall, and I had visions of Sheila and I chasing each other around our empty nest and making love in every room of the house. But now that I’m here, I just don’t have that much interest in sex – and Sheila doesn’t seem that interested either. Maybe we got so used to going without it that we don’t think about it anymore. Maybe it’s true what they say – ‘if you don’t use it, you lose it’.”

“These days are a far cry from our early years together. I used to get tired of Kent’s constant badgering for sex….now I could strip naked and dance around the living room and he’d be pissed off because I was blocking the TV. It’s not that I’ve turned into a sex maniac or anything – it would just be nice to feel wanted once in a while. I wonder if it’s him or if I just don’t turn him on anymore.”

You get the picture. These are stories from Baby Boomers – the generation that ushered in the Sexual Revolution. As a card carrying member of that generation – and as a sex educator and marriage therapist – I know that sex doesn't have to go down the tubes in mid-life. I also know that relationships pay a high price when sex goes AWOL. My goal is to help boomers move their sex drive into a higher gear and claim the benefits of a rich and rewarding sex life. Send me your stories and questions, and I'll post solutions and suggestions in this blog. Respond anonymously in comments or feel free to send me an email.