Tough Times

Yesterday gas hit $3.75 locally and I heard from two different people who were unexpectedly laid off from their jobs. The economic crisis facing our country seems to be hitting closer and closer to home. Stressing out over money is nothing new, but more couples are experiencing serious financial strain that is creating conflict and distance in their relationships.

If you or your partner has recently lost a job or you're just having a hard time making your budget stretch to meet your monthly bills, you may find your sex life tanking along with your budget. Job loss is often accompanied by depression as well as anxiety. Loss of self esteem and fear about the future can kill a sex drive pretty quickly.

If you're one of the many victims of the current money crunch, make sure you and your partner are on the same side of the problem. Make your money woes the enemy that you fight together rather than withdrawing from each other or playing the blame game. You need each other now more than ever - and you need the comfort and respite of intimate time together.

'Want' Vs. 'Have To'

How often do you find yourself doing things you don't want to do? Like maybe getting out of bed this morning or going to work or mowing the grass - or maybe even having sex. Doing things you don't want to do leaves you feeling out of control, beaten down, and resentful. I've got a better idea. Stop doing those things you don't want to do.

That may sound impossible in a world chock full of responsibilities and demands, but it's actually very possible if you take a minute to discover the 'want' underneath the 'don't want'. You may not want to get out of bed and go to work, but you probably do want to earn money, be productive, be reliable, get a raise - all of which starts with getting out of bed. Taking the time to access the want hiding under the 'have to' reminds you that you have a choice. You are not a powerless schmuck just going through life fulfilling one obligation after another.


You may not always 'want' to have sex when you're partner is interested. But you most likely do want to have a close relationship and to be a loving partner. Taking the time to remind yourself what is most important leads to better decision-making and leaves you feeling in charge of your decisions.

Good Energy

When do you feel sexy? If you're a guy, it's probably when you're feeling confident about an accomplishment and you've got good energy flowing. Of course, watching an episode of Survivor could do it, as well. Basically, feeling sexy for men usually means they're interested in getting it on.

But for women? Feeling sexy means they're looking good and feeling capable of arousing the desire of men. It's also a feeling accompanied by good energy, but that energy doesn't always get translated into sexual interest. That could be a big mistake - especially when exhaustion is one of the big reasons women give for lack of sexual desire.

The next time you're feeling energetic, you might want to postpone cleaning out the garage and instead try channeling that energy in a sexual direction. Granted, there's a lot of places for that energy to go, but few that will have as great a payoff for you and for your relationship.

The Pleasure Principle

How much pleasure do you find in sex? It may be stating the obvious, but if you're not experiencing a lot of pleasure in your sexual encounters with your partner, it's certainly not surprising if you feel little desire. There are many women who have not discovered how to maximize their sexual pleasure. There are many more who have made the discovery but haven't shared it with their partner.

The first step in increasing desire is to make sure that you're having the kind of sex you'll want to return to. That alone may not be enough to keep your sex drive in high gear when work deadlines and grocery lists are competing for your attention, but it will sure make sex more than something to tolerate.

For sex to be pleasurable for both partners, it must be given freely by both and desired by both. So if the sex you're having is more obligatory than pleasurable, neither of you is going to be having much fun. Enlist your partner's help to make sex something you anticipate at least as much as your Friday night pizza.

A New Earth - Conscious Doing

After awakening to a new consciousness, your potential for contentment and happiness is much greater. You stop trying to force your partner - or the universe- to give you what you want, and you move out of resistance. So what does that actually look like?

Tolle identifies three forms of awakened doing: acceptance, enjoyment, and enthusiasm. All actions need to flow from one of these modalities or you'll find that you are creating misery for yourself or others.

"Acceptance means: For now, this is what this situation, this moment, requires me to do, and so I do it willingly." Acceptance creates a sense of peace that transforms your experience of even unpleasant or repetitive tasks. Beyond acceptance is enjoyment. Tolle says, "You will enjoy any activity in which you are fully present, any activity that is not just a means to an end. It isn't the action you perform that you really enjoy, but the deep sense of aliveness that flows into it." Enthusiasm is enjoyment coupled with a goal or vision. The energy of enthusiasm is creative and empowering, both for yourself and those around you.

Conscious sexuality certainly entails enjoyment. When the enjoyment is paired with the goal of intimacy, there is enthusiasm as well. That's the real power and joy of sex.

A New Earth - Wanting

A lot of unhappiness in relationships starts when you find yourself wanting something you're not getting - attention, validation, romance, time, support, etc. Of course, in a good relationship, you'll have those things. But it's when your ego goes seeking something from your partner - trying to get what you want - that the trouble begins.

Tolle says, "(the ego) uses people and situations to get what it wants, and even when it succeeds, it is never satisfied for long. ....the gap between "I want" and "what is" becomes a constant source of upset and anguish."

In real love, there is no wanting. Love doesn't seek to be filled up by the other. Love is a genuine presence with another. And what does the issue of wanting have to do with sex? As long as you're wanting something from your partner, you're ripe for resentment when you don't get it. Hidden agendas and frustrated wanting are enemies of intimacy. Accepting "what is" opens the door to exactly what you want.

A New Earth - Right or Happy?

"There is nothing that strengthens the ego more than being right." Tolle is talking about how the ego seeks an energy charge through a sense of moral superiority. Unfortunately, that sense of being one-up often plays out with your partner - and ultimately affects the relationship. How many of the arguments with your partner stem from your investment in being right?

Conflict isn't the only expression of the need to be right. Complaining is another favorite sport of the ego. It's like shooting fish in a barrel to find fault in your partner and claim a position of victimhood relative to their 'wrongness'. But the cost of that 'sport' is resentment - the number one enemy of desire.

The key to reducing conflict and complaints in your relationship is to become aware of your own ego as well as the ego of your partner. It's ego that has such a high need to be right, that takes your partner's 'wrong' behavior so personally and then holds on tightly to resentment. When you step out of ego, understanding and forgiveness come easily. That's not only 'right', it's also what will make you happy.

A New Earth - The Inner Body

In A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle considers ego to be the false sense of self that arises from an over-identification with your roles, your past experiences, your thoughts, and your body. Over-identification with the body is a very basic form of ego and causes people no end of trouble in the sexual realm.

You don't have to learn to love your belly fat and cellulite in order to become more comfortable with your body. You simply have to begin shifting your focus from the outside of your body to the inside where judgment no longer exists. That's where your life energy resides.

How do you feel the inner body? Tolle suggests closing your eyes and placing your attention on some part of the body, like your hands or feet. Keep your attention there until you can feel the energy and aliveness. Practice feeling the inner body by moving your attention around to different body parts, including your genitals. See if you can feel a tingling or a warmth there.

Awareness of the inner body keeps you present in the moment, moves you out of ego, and actually enhances the immune system. It's also a path to sexual feelings and a sense of your own sexual aliveness.

A New Earth - Awakening

Currently a lot of people are reading A New Earth, a book by Eckhart Tolle on discovering our life purpose. After reading this book over spring break, I've been reflecting on what it has to say about sexuality. Though the book never actually gets around to sex, its ideas have a lot of relevance for those wanting a richer and more intimate sexual relationship.

Eckhart's main concept has to do with awakening to a new consciousness - a sense of our true, inner nature that goes way beyond our thoughts about who we are. In this awakened state of being, we recognize not only our own divine essence but the divine essence in every other life-form. No longer defined by our minds or our physical bodies, we can feel our oneness with the universe.

How much more dynamic our sexual lives would be if we brought that level of awakening to our lovemaking! I also have to imagine that spending more time in Being and less in doing might awaken long-buried sexual feelings. Because sexuality springs from our aliveness - our essence -anything that connects us to that source has the potential for unleashing sexual energy. That's just one more reason to wake up to who we really are.

Expanding Your Comfort Zone

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Up Close to 'Down There'

Unlike men, women didn't grow up with much familiarity with their private parts. 'Down there' may have been as close as they ever got to naming that region of the body. It's not unusual for females to find their vulvas unattractive and actually feel shame and disgust about their genitalia. They worry about their normal secretions and whether they have a bad smell. Is it any wonder that there are women who are uncomfortable with their partner getting up close and personal with that part of their body?

There are men, too, who are a little leery about going down on their partner. They may worry about the taste and the smell and find the mysteries of the vulva a little daunting. They may not trust their skills in navigating the labia and the clitoris and providing the right kind of stimulation.

I'll post tomorrow on tips for getting past the discomfort.

When the Tables Are Turned

I've been talking about men's enjoyment in receiving oral sex - and some women's reluctance in giving it. But what about when the tables are turned? The results of one survey indicated that over 65% of women enjoy having oral sex performed on them. They may not be as vocal as men in requesting it, but oral sex may be even more important for women.

Women's journey to orgasm during sex isn't nearly as reliable and predictable as men's. Foreplay is critical since the clitoris often doesn't receive direct stimulation during intercourse. Having the clitoris stimulated with lips and tongue is one of the easiest ways for many women to reach a high state of arousal and orgasm.

Despite the pleasure and effectiveness of this type of sexual activity, there can still be reluctance on the part of women in receiving it and on the part of men in giving it. I'll talk about that in tomorrow's post.

Getting Past the Discomfort

One recent sex survey revealed that half of all women are uncomfortable in giving oral sex. There are many reasons for the discomfort. For some, it seems dirty or nasty. There may be concern about the ejaculation or even the taste of the pre-ejaculatory fluid. Many women aren't sure exactly what to do. There may be negative associations with oral sex because of past abuse. Sometimes the pressure from a partner to perform oral sex has created resentment and resistance.

Oral sex is an intimate sexual gift you can give to your partner. You certainly have the right to refuse to engage in any sexual activity you're not comfortable with. But if you're interested in getting past any discomfort you may have, first identify what's causing the discomfort. Then figure out what might help.

You may want to have your partner shower before lovemaking. It helps to be in a position to control how rapidly and deeply you take his penis into your mouth. Let your partner know if you don't want him to ejaculate during oral sex. Read up on oral sex techniques. Ask for your partner's feedback.

Being willing to experiment and to move a little outside your comfort zone to accomodate your partner's sexual wants can bring excitement and greater intimacy to your sexual relationship.

"Come on....."

Women often ask me why men are so "hung-up" on oral sex - which usually means they want to know why guys want it so much. The question may reflect more discomfort with the act than real curiosity, but I'll start with exploring the latter.

It's really not surprising that oral sex ranks high on the list of most men's favorite sexual activities. The lips, mouth, and tongue are well-suited for stimulation of the sensitive nerve endings of the penis. In addition to feeling great, receiving oral sex provides exciting visuals and affords men the luxury of a more passive sexual role. What's not to like?

Some women feel powerful in pleasuring their partner orally and find their own passion building as they increase their partner's arousal. Other women feel subservient when performing oral sex or are simply uncomfortable doing it. Tomorrow I'll talk more about that discomfort.

Banning Anxious Thoughts

In order for most women to enjoy sex, they need to learn to relax, let go of control, and focus on pleasurable physical sensations. Anxious or extraneous thoughts break concentration and disrupt the trance of increasing arousal.

Because most women are easily distracted sexually, they must train themselves to focus and shut out the outside world. Without that focus, women can easily lose their arousal and find themselves back at square one. So how do you stay focused?

Women need to pursue sexual arousal and/or orgasm as single-mindedly as they pursue any other goal that is important to them. It's about taking charge and thinking the thoughts that enhance arousal. If you're not thinking sexy thoughts, the dishwasher that needs to be emptied is likely to jump in to fill the void. If the dishwasher does pop up, you yank your attention back to the sexual landscape. Initially this may take some effort, but you'll get better with practice. Being sexually present is a skill that's well worth practicing.

Anxiety and Women's Sexuality

Do you ever find yourself in the middle of sex, wondering whether you locked the back door and if you have something ironed to wear to work tomorrow? Or maybe you suddenly remember the garbage cans that need to be put out for tomorrow's pickup? It's an unusual woman who hasn't experienced unwelcome thoughts during sex that disrupt the flow and spoil the mood.

If you're one of the millions of women who experience chronic anxiety, that experience may be the norm rather than an occasional occurence. Racing and intrusive thoughts are a major block to sexual enjoyment. Women's sexual pleasure is largely dependent on the ability to focus on sexual sensations, relax, and let go. Anxious thoughts keep that from happening.

It's important to seek treatment for anxiety problems that interfere with your ability to function and enjoy life. Anxiety disorders respond well to cognitive behavioral therapy. I'll post tomorrow on tips for managing the worrying thoughts and the wandering mind that have the power to shut down your arousal response.

Perimenopause

Over the past eight months, I've talked about a lot of factors that negatively impact desire - everything from sleep deprivation to resentment. But for women, there's also biology to contend with in the battle to maintain sexual feelings. Long before menstruation stops and menopause begins, women often start experiencing decreased desire.

The average age for the onset of menopause is 51. The buildup, however, often begins in the mid-thirties. That's the period of time called perimenopause, and it signals the onset of hormonal changes. The first change is a decline in progesterone followed by a decline in estrogen. Testosterone levels also begin declining but may vary from one month to the next. Since testosterone is significant in driving desire, women may feel very sexual one month and very uninterested when the next month rolls around.

Understanding the changes going on in your body is important in maintaining a sense of yourself as a sexual person. The decline in hormones will only dictate your sexual life if you hand over the reins. Actively nurturing your sexuality and keeping sex a priority will trump hormones every time.

Spring

The rain may be dampening your spirits along with everything else in sight, but it's hard not to feel some cheer in the brilliant yellow of the forsythia in full bloom. It's the season of rebirth.

If your sexual feelings have been lying dormant for awhile, spring is a great time to wake things up a bit. There's new energy and a sense of lightness this time of year that you can harness to renew your sex life. Just getting outside and taking a walk can make you feel more alive. Let yourself remember new love and new beginnings - then draw on the memory to re-create
fresh passion in your relationship.

I'm taking some time off for spring break. I'll be posting again on Monday, April 14th.

Putting It On Paper

If you've stalled out or been shut down trying to talk to your partner about sex, you might want to try writing instead of talking. Writing has several advantages. Sometimes it's just easier writing things than it is saying them. Writing also gives you a chance to think carefully about your message and do revisions as needed. Your partner isn't pushed for an immediate response which can reduce the chances of a defensive reaction. And, your partner may take you more seriously when you've taken the time to put your thoughts down in writing.

There's power in the written word. Something in black and white just has a different credibility than the spoken word. In the reading and re-reading of a letter, there's more opportunity for a message to sink in. Just be sure that you take a positive approach. Complaints and criticism are even less effective when written than they are when spoken.

Share your desire to be closer. Ask for what you want. Take ownership for your part in the problems and state your willingness to work on yourself. Putting it on paper can be a powerful starting point for change.

April Fool?

I can't imagine going through life without humor and laughter. Laughing easily and often is probably my most important tool for managing stress. However, I've never been a big fan of April Fool's Day. I think it's because tricks and pranks are performed at someone else's expense, and I usually don't find that kind of humor especially funny. Don't get me wrong - I've done my share of laughing at practical jokes. When the joke is good-natured and the recipient has a natural ability to laugh at him/herself, I'm often the one laughing the loudest. But being in the position of 'fool' is not always a laughing matter.

Think about how you use humor with your partner. Do you frequently get an angry response to your joking comments? Do you find yourself saying "I was only kidding!" on a regular basis? Do you tell funny stories about your partner at parties that feel anything but funny to your partner? If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions, you're damaging the intimacy in your relationship. In order for sex and intimacy to thrive, there has to be emotional safety. The risk of hurting your partner is never worth an easy laugh. Laughing at your partner is the surest way to be an April 'fool'.