Deadline

I apologize to my regular readers for the lapse in posting over the last week. I could use Christmas as my excuse, but the bigger reason has to do with final editing work on my book, Taking Sexy Back. I'm trying to get the manuscript to the publisher within the next two weeks, and it's only when you're actually ready to hand over the final product that you suddenly become aware of all the revisions that are needed.

Realistically, I probably won't be back to posting regularly for at least another week. I'll check back in at that point and let you know how it's going.

Thanks for your patience.

Lube Jobs

Lube Jobs is the name of another sex book I acquired recently. The subtitle is A Woman's Guide to Great Maintenance Sex. I haven't read it cover to cover, but the main idea is the need for balancing differences in sex drive in a couple's relationship - and strategies for how to achieve that balancing act without resentment.

The couple who wrote the book are addressing the stereotypical situation in which it's the woman who wants nothing more than to climb into bed and go to sleep and the man is grumbling about the lack of action in the bedroom. I really don't like reinforcing that stereotype, but for women who fit the category, the book contains some interesting methods for jump-starting a stalled sex life. The maintenance requires some real effort, however, so if you're a woman looking for an easy, effortless way to keep your man happy, this probably isn't the book for you.

Cold and Flu Season

I've posted previously on the health benefits of sex that include improved circulation, lowered cholesterol levels, pain relief, and strengthening of the immune system. But even if your immune system fails you and the dreaded cold gets you down, sex can still be an ally. The adrenaline released during sex is a natural antihistamine.

Now you're probably thinking that sex is the last thing you want to do when you're stuffed up and achy and listless. But if you ask your partner for exactly what you need - maybe starting with a full body massage - you might be surprised at how great a distraction sex can be from your aches and pains. And your partner might be a better nursemaid than you thought possible if the nursing contains a little afternoon delight.

Reversing Roles

In The Guide to Getting It On, the author describes a role-playing exercise that took place during Betty Dodson's sex groups for women. It involved women getting on top of imaginary lovers and penetrating them with their clitorises. The women had to thrust for 3 minutes while the moderator commented on everyone's technique. "Keep your arms straight; don't crush your lover. You're too high up; your clitoris just fell out. Don't stop moving, you'll lose your erection. Don't move so fast; you'll come too soon. And don't forget to whisper sweet things in your lover's ear between all those passionate kisses."

Following the exercise, the women said, "How do men do it?" They complained of tired arms, lower-back pain, and stiff hip joints. It increased their empathy for men as well as their willingness to try other positions for lovemaking other than missionary.

Nipple Pleasure

Though everyone has their individual preferences, here are a few things to consider when pleasuring your partner through their nipples. And remember that the size of a breast has nothing to do with sensitivity.

• One nipple may be more sensitive than the other. Ask your partner about differences in sensitivity and whether they want you to spend more time on the more sensitive one.
• You can make the nipple taut by placing your fingers on each side of the nipple and lightly pushing down before licking or sucking.
• Be sure to alternate breasts and focus attention on the entire breast and not just the nipple.
• Your lips can create a seal around the nipple. When you suck in and out without breaking the seal, the nipple feels the alternating currents of pressure.
• You can use different temperatures to create intense sensations such as an ice cube in the mouth or drinking something warm before licking or sucking.
• The kind of nipple play your partner enjoys is often dependent on their state of sexual arousal. Hard nipples are not a reliable indicator of sexual arousal, so it's important to ask.

Nipples

What's there to say about nipples? Both men and women have them, and they're typically loaded with nerve endings. So they're a natural erogenous zone - what's complicated about that?

What's complicated is that there's a lot of variation in nipple sensitivity, and a woman's sensitivity can vary depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. A touch or a nibble that will send one person into nirvana might just plunge another person into pain. In other words, the sensations transmitted from the nipples can either be extremely pleasant or downright annoying. So it's important to get to know your partner's body and to be sensitive to their preferences.

Tomorrow I'll post on some hints for maximizing nipple pleasure.

Getting Naked

When was the last time you did something naked besides showering, sleeping, or having sex? Maybe you've never done anything else au natural. Skinny dipping? Hot tubbing? Housework? Dancing? Sunbathing?

Being naked is uncomfortable for many women because of their generalized body discomfort and the specific changes that have occurred in their bodies over time. I hear women speak disparagingly of their sagging breasts and pot bellies and cellulite-ridden thighs, so I shouldn't be surprised when they add that they never let their husbands see them without some kind of cover-up.

But denying their husbands the visual stimulation men crave is only part of the problem with nude phobics. Staying covered up doesn't allow women to get comfortable with their imperfect bodies. Here's a challenge for you phobics: start going naked for short periods of time when you're all alone. Try putting on your make-up without a robe or reading the newspaper or just walking around the house. At first you'll probably feel awkward and uncomfortable. That's ok, just stay with it. Exposure - in this case, literal exposure - has a way of breaking down barriers and reducing the squirm factor.

When you've gotten more comfortable with solo nudity, graduate to short exposure of your body with your partner. You may never want to run the vacuum cleaner or play volleyball in the nude, but getting naked can open up a new level of acceptance and comfort with your body and with your sexual self.

Sex Tip

Since I've written over 400 posts and covered a lot of the biggies that affect our sexuality, I'm going to start sharing some simple sex tips when something more profound doesn't occur to me.

Today's tip is a suggestion I picked up from the Guide to Getting It On about places to consider kissing when you're warming each other up. I'd never before lumped these areas together in a category, but it makes sense: skin folds. Turns out that the places on the body where the skin creases or folds tend to be very sensitive and love to be kissed. You can probably figure out where these places are, but just to help you out, they include the nape of the neck, eyelids, the backs of knees, the fronts of elbows, under breasts, armpits, crotches, between fingers and toes, and behind ears.

Of course, just because these are sensitive areas doesn't mean everyone is going to respond the same way to having them kissed or carressed. But if you haven't explored these erogenous zones, you and your partner might be missing out on a treat.

Sex and Religion

I've posted previously on sex and spirituality, and from where I sit, the best sex definitely has a spiritual component. But for many people, negative religious indoctrination has been a hindrance to their full sexual enjoyment. Shedding a sense of shame and guilt about the pleasures afforded by uninhibited sexual activity can be an obstacle to orgasm.

I just read an interesting statistic: nearly 60% of Protestant women surveyed reported they regularly had an orgasm during sex whereas only 26% of the Catholic women did. How much can that be attributed to the Catholic church's prohibition against masturbation, which is how a lot of women learn to have orgasms? Or maybe there's just more guilt in general among Catholics. That's not an indictment of Catholicism. As a Protestant, I, too, was exposed to a heaping dose of guilt. Fortunately, it didn't 'take'. But I remember the guilt I experienced as an adolescent after the sermon about bad thoughts being as sinful as bad actions. I guess I had a lot of 'bad' thoughts.

If religion is getting in the way of your sexuality, you may need to do some de-programming. Write down the beliefs you were taught and then write down beside each one what it is that you believe now. Make sure you keep talking back to the guilt-inducing beliefs that rob you of sexual wholeness.

Vuvla Acceptance - Part 2

The discomfort many women feel with their genitals is related not to appearance but to fears or concerns about discharge. All women have vaginal discharge because the vagina produces secretions to cleanse itself. Discharge is usually heavier around the middle of the menstrual cycle and during sexual arousal. Without the lubrication provided by discharge, sex would not be as comfortable or enjoyable.

The scent connected with the vagina is natural and often a powerful turn-on for a woman's partner. Strong odor from a discharge usually indicates a yeast or bacterial infection that needs medical attention. Women can avoid infections and keep their vulvas in great shape by keeping them clean and dry. The genitals should be washed daily with a mild cleanser and then thoroughly dried to discourage the growth of bacteria. Cotton panties are the best - or wearing none at all. Sleeping without underwear gives the genitals a chance to breathe.

If a woman doesn't have a medical problem but simply isn't comfortable with her genital odor, she has a couple of options. She can douche with a water and vinegar solution (no more than once a week) or use feminine cleansing cloths. Unscented baby wipes are another option.

It's pretty tough to feel good about your sexuality unless you feel good about your genitals. Becoming more familiar with your sexual anatomy and appreciating its complexity and marvelous adaptability will go a long way toward helping you embrace this special part of your body.

Vulva Acceptance

Unlike men, women's genitals are a more covert operation. Not only are they more hidden, females are discouraged from exploring their genitalia and often go to great lengths to keep their private parts 'private'. Without any reference point for comparison - other than the photo-shopped and air-brushed vulvas of women in porn magazines - women may wonder if their genitals are 'normal'. Many don't think about their genitals at all. There's often a real disconnect between a woman's feminine identity and that nether region between her legs. The issue of smell and taste is also a concern.

So how do women begin claiming, celebrating, and connecting to their genitals? First off, they need to know what they look like. It was back in the early days of the feminist movement when women were first encouraged to get out their mirrors and take a close look at their genitals. The advice is still sound. Women's genitals come in lots of shapes and sizes, and symmetry is not always the rule. Because there's lots of variation in the layout of the outer and inner labia, as well as the appearance of the clitoris, 'normal' has little meaning. Women need to accept their genitals as they are if they are going to have a healthy sexual identity.

Tomorrow I'll tackle the issues of smell and taste.

Genital Self-Image

Has it come to your attention that the average man seems to have a love affair going with his penis? He plays with it, whips it out at the slightest invitation (and sometimes without an invitation), shakes it at his partner when toweling off after a shower, and walks around naked with a sense of pride? Wouldn't it be wonderful if women had the same kind of love for their vulvas?

According to Dr. Laura Berman, positive thoughts about our genitals are essential to self-acceptance and sexual growth. At the Berman Center, she found that women with more positive genital self-images were found to have more sexual desire and better sexual response. This means they reported more lubrication during sexual activity and better quality orgasms. In fact, they were 6 times more likely to have a good sex life than women with poor genital self-images.

So why are women so disconnected from their genitals and how can they develop move vulva-love? I'll be posting on that next week.

Making It Easier for Your Partner to Love You

A quick glance at the relationship section of any bookstore would indicate that a lot of people struggle to get what they want from their partner. Maybe that's because they're not looking at how they make it hard for their partner to give them what they want.

I know it's a lot easier to focus on your partner's faults than to turn the magnifying glass on yourself, but the good news is that you have a lot more control over what you do than what your partner does. The even better news is that when you transform yourself into a partner who's easy to love, you're a lot more likely to get what you want from your partner.

Is it sex you want? Then stop pushing, pressuring, criticizing, and complaining and start giving your partner what he/she wants. Is it more emotional engagement you want? Then stop rejecting your partner's physical advances every time he or she tries to get close and become more affectionate. Being more aware of how you make it hard for your partner to love you can create new possibilities for getting the love you want.

Internet Pornography

I recently attended a conference on sex, love, and relationships. One of the many tidbits of interesting information I picked up was from a survey of divorce attorneys. Two-thirds of the divorce attorneys said that the internet played a significant role in divorces. Of course that could be anything from compulsive net surfing to visits to a chat room to a full-on internet affair, but one of the biggies was a partner's interest in online pornography.

Forty-two per cent of surveyed adults indicate that their partner’s use of internet pornography made them feel insecure. There must be a lot of anxious partners out there because there are an estimated 40 million adults who visit adult web sites on a regular basis. Seventy-two per cent of those adults are men and twenty-eight per cent are women.

The problem with internet pornography is the dopamine rush it provides sets up a craving for more and more - and with the internet, more is always easily available. If your on-line habits are creating problems in your relationship, it's time to make some changes. If you can't do it on your own, seek help from a therapist or a 12-step program. The problem is unlikely to just go away on its own.

Last Minute Desire

Two-thirds of women (the same two-thirds who are low-testosterone) don't feel desire until they're having sex and are close to orgasm. Think about that. Since it's desire that pushes you to seek out sex, it's no wonder these women aren't chasing their partners around the kitchen table!

This phenomenon is why women frequently say to themselves -or their partner-right after orgasm, "That was fantastic - we should do this more often!" But then the pleasure is soon forgotten, and unless the low-testosterone woman has made an intentional decision to make sex a priority, sex will wait until her partner pushes enough for it to happen.

Knowing that low-testosterone women lack spontaneous desire should help men take their partner's lack of initiative a little less personally. But low-testosterone women can also focus a little more on the memory of sexual pleasure and seek to add more pleasure to their lives.

Natural Aphrodesiac

The most potent aphrodesiac we have available to us doesn't come in pills, herbs, or injections. It's not dependent on youth and it doesn't cost a thing. It can bring someone back to life that has felt sexually dead for a long, long time, and it's probably the single biggest cause of affairs. What is this powerful and magical agent?

It's an energized person who's interested in YOU. That's the real allure of an affair - someone who looks at you and really sees you, someone who listens and actually laughs at your jokes, someone who thinks you're intelligent and attractive and sexy... Nothing fires up your sexual motor faster than that kind of focused, caring attention.

Now think about the last time you gave that kind of attention to your partner - or the last time they gave it to you. The #1 cause of divorce is growing apart. The #1 cause of growing apart is resentment. The #1 cause of resentment is withdrawal of interest. Couples get lazy and stop paying attention to each other. They stop expressing interest. By doing so, they not only shut down their sex life but put the entire marriage at risk. It may not be too late to start investing some interest in your partner.

Thanksgiving

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I want to give thanks for the gift of sexuality. We owe our existence and that of our children to sex. Though an egg and sperm can be joined in a test tube, sex is the powerhouse of creation and remains a vital source of energy throughout our lives. Sex is passion, excitement, engagement, and connection. Sex is about who we are as males and females. Sex grounds us in our bodies and then allows us to transcend them in the moment of orgasm.

All this, and it feels great, too! If sex isn't on your gratitude list, you're missing out on one of life's most wonderful blessings. It's never too late to explore, discover, and claim your sexuality.

I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving. I'll be back after a 4-day break celebrating with family.

Self-Pleasuring

In yesterday's post, I shared the results of a study on vibrator use that indicated vibrators are commonly used by couples as well as by individuals. Just to be clear - I wasn't suggesting there's anything wrong with solo use of a vibrator.

Masturbation has gotten a bad rap in our culture and is still a topic that gets little discussion or attention. Not that there aren't plenty of practitioners! The vast majority of men masturbate, and according to several studies, around 60-65% of women have masturbated at some point in their lives.

It's a shame that more women aren't getting the benefits of self-stimulation because it's a great way for women to learn what feels good and what doesn't. When women learn how to please themselves, their sexual enjoyment increases along with their ability to reach orgasm with their partner. And when women find themselves without a partner, they can stay connected to their sexuality through self-pleasuring. Self-pleasuring - sounds better than masturbation, doesn't it? If you're not already skilled in pleasuring yourself, you might just want to give it a try.

Vibrators - A Study

Think vibrators are just for the single and lonely? Or maybe just for the young and over-sexed?
Well, think again. The Berman Center did a study on a random sample of 2,000 women ages 18-60 and found that lots of women have discovered the pleasure afforded by this sexual aid.

In the study, almost half of the women reported using a vibrator - and it wasn't just the single women. Almost 60 percent of women in relationships reported vibrator use versus 30 percent of single women. The study also found that women with vibrator experience reported higher levels of sexual desire, more arousal, and easier orgasms. These women also reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction.

In case you're thinking that the satisfaction was primarily solo, almost half of the women who used vibrators did so with their partner, in addition to using them alone. Bottom line, vibrator use is associated with a more sexually satisfied woman.

If you don't own a vibrator or wouldn't know what to do with it if you did, check out The Passion Prescription by Laura Berman. There's a whole chapter in the book on different kinds of vibrators and how best to put them to use.

Knowledge and Practice

If you want to maximize the interplay of sexual energy between you and your partner, you probably need to learn a lot more about sexual anatomy, your partner's erogenous zones, and specific techniques for bringing your partner pleasure. Then you need plenty of practice.

Most people who've been sexually active for decades tend to dismiss the idea that they have anymore to learn about being a better lover. But unfortunately, few lovers have ever taken the time or put in sufficient effort to develop real lovemaking skills. They've just done what has come naturally or what they've picked up from a few magazines or porn videos.

Sex is really basic if you're only interested in reproduction, but if you're interested in developing the sexual skills that will add joy and closeness to your relationship and bring more happiness into your life, you need training. You can start by picking up several books on sexual techniques. Then start experimenting, open up a dialogue with your partner, and practice, practice, practice. It's an investment of time and energy that has an amazing payoff.

Orgasm Pressure

One of the barriers to pleasure for women during foreplay is the pressure they often experience to reach orgasm. A typical pattern for a man who wants to make sure his partner is sexually satisfied is to stimulate her to the point of climax before he penetrates and gets lost in the pursuit of his own climax.

OK - at least he's concerned about his partner's satisfaction. But the problem is that trying to force an orgasm creates too much pressure on the partner and works against her need to relax and let it happen. Men need to focus on giving their partner pleasure rather than giving her an orgasm.

Bottom line, everyone is responsible for their own orgasm. All we're responsible for in creating a mutually satisfying sexual relationship is giving and receiving pleasure and intimacy.

Building Sexual Energy

Foreplay can be thought of as a process of building sexual energy. When partners take their time to caress each other and slowly activate the body's pleasure centers, they're creating and storing up sexual energy. The more sexual energy that's stored, the more intense the orgasm.

You've probably noticed that not all orgasms are exactly explosive. Not that any orgasm is actually 'bad', but some are a lot better than others. Foreplay is not only pleasurable in and of itself, but has the added advantage of maximizing the amount of stored up energy, resulting in orgasms that are deeper and more lasting than the ones typically achieved through masturbation or a quickie sexual encounter.

Not all sex needs to be earth-shattering, but it's important to remember that the pleasure you get is in direct proportion to the sexual energy you give and receive.

Easy Does It

It is apparent that a lot of men go after the clitoris with a vengeance during foreplay. The clitoris is the most sensitive part of the female body, and a lot of women experience pain rather than pleasure when men start rubbing it too soon or too roughly. Maybe men assume that the greater the friction, the greater the pleasure, but the clitoris requires gentle handling.

It has been suggested that reducing the force of stimulation to one-fifth or even one-tenth of what is normally used is just about right. And just because a woman starts responding does not mean that it's ok to immediately begin ramping up the pressure and speed. The best way to stimulate the clitoris is to do it gently from start to finish, only speeding up right before she climaxes.

Women need to be very specific in giving feedback on how they want their clitoris to be touched. Otherwise, their partner may give what they, themselves, want to receive.

Women's Collusion with 'Bad Sex'

Recently I've been posting on foreplay, and I'll be continuing with that theme this week. I want to briefly comment on women's own collusion with sex that is quick, perfunctory, and ultimately unsatisfying.

Because many women have never experienced true eroticism and the pleasures of extended foreplay, they don't have a very high opinion of sex, in general. These women are unlikely to initiate sex because there's not that much in it for them. When their orgasm-focused partner initiates sex, they're likely to be eager for it to take up as little time as possible. What happens then, is that their partner is free to focus primarily on his own gratification without guilt or remorse.

A vicious cycle ensues in which the woman finds little or no pleasure in sex, and the man - sensing her disinterest and disengagement - does nothing that will change her experience. It's a set-up for resentment and disappointment on both sides. Both men and women have a role in changing this kind of unhealthy sexual dynamic.

Post #400

This post is number 400 since I began posting in July, 2007. Sometimes I think there just isn't anything new to say, but then I hear another complaint from a sexually frustrated client or hear something in the news or read an interesting perspective in one of the many sex books that keep arriving on my doorstep (you do have to order them!). So I keep on posting and hope that I'm providing helpful or at least interesting information to the readers of this blog.

If there are topics I haven't addressed or a topic you'd just like to hear more about, I'd welcome your feedback. You can send a comment through the blog or send me an email. Learning about sexuality is a life-long process, and I enjoy the opportunity to share my learning with you.

Let me hear from you.

Foreplay

What would you guess is the average amount of time spent on foreplay? The consensus of a number of surveys indicates that a typical sexual encounter involves 15 minutes of foreplay and an additional 5 minutes from the time of penetration to orgasm. (That's the man's orgasm.) So 20 minutes, total.

That's a bit of a problem when you consider that the average woman takes 20-30 minutes or more to reach orgasm. It's not surprising, then, that the three top sexual complaints from women are lack of foreplay, unimaginative sex, and their partner reaching orgasm too quickly. It's also no surprise that women lose interest in sex over time if the experience is less than satisfying for them.

Even in boring or bland sexual encounters, men usually get the pleasure associated with orgasm. But if a woman is unable to achieve orgasm due to inadequate stimulation, she misses out on the part that might redeem an otherwise unsatisfying tryst. If men want more interested partners, they need to pay attention to creating more mutually satisfying sexual experiences. That takes time. More than 15 minutes...

Order of Stimulation

Yesterday I posted on the need for women to be relaxed prior to arousal. I focused on the initial approach and its importance in allowing the erogenous brain to engage. Today I want to take that a step further and talk about what happens next.

Once foreplay begins, the order of stimulation will make a big difference in a woman's ability to respond sexually. I'm going to quote from Slow Sex Secrets by Adam Tokunaga:

"You start by caressing your partner's hair. From there, you work your way to her face, her shoulders, her arms, and her fingers. Then you move to her sides, her lower back, her upper back, and her shoulder blades. Only then do you move down to her buttocks, thus covering all the erogenous zones on the back side of her body. Once you have done that, you move to the front. You don't go right for the nipples, however. They are left to later in the series, teasing your partner's receptivity to greater heights."

This isn't a rigid prescription, but it gives a good idea of how to heighten a woman's sexual sensitivity and get her sexual energy flowing.

Relaxation

There are many differences in male and female sexuality, but one of the big ones that's often ignored is a woman's need for relaxation prior to arousal. Men can be aroused by a visual image or a simple touch, but for a woman to become aroused, she first needs to relax. She has to be able to put aside her stress and her internal chatter before her erogenous brain can start performing its magic.

It's no surprise that men's advances are often rejected. Men frequently make the mistake of approaching their partner the way, themselves, would like to be approached. But instead of popping a porn film into the DVD or walking around naked following a shower, they would be a lot better off putting on some music and asking for a slow dance or offering their partner a foot or shoulder massage.

There's a big difference between simply getting acquiescence to a sexual request versus getting a partner who's fully engaged. Ignoring a woman's need for relaxation is more likely to get the former rather than the latter.

The G-Shot

In the last post, I discussed the G-spot. In an effort to ramp up their sexual response and achieve orgasm more easily, some women are now paying quite a bit of money to get an injection called a G-Shot, or G-spot Amplification.

In this relatively new procedure, a small dose of collagen is injected into the G-spot that makes it swell to the size of a quarter. The collagen reabsorbs into the body within four months, and repeated injections can be given.

Some researchers question the effectiveness of the G-Shot, noting the lack of a double-blind study. It's hard to know if there is a placebo effect influencing reported outcomes. But many of the patients receiving the treatment have described heightened sexual interest and the ability to reach orgasm within a few minutes, with little effort.

Whether the G-Shot becomes a popular 'fix' for women with low desire is yet to be seen. For now, you might want to save your money and find your own ways of stimulating the G-spot.

The G-Spot

The G-spot was first identified by a German gynecologist, Ernst Grafenberg, in 1950. The G-spot refers to a small area behind a woman's pubic bone on the front wall of the vagina. It's considered an erogenous zone that when stimulated leads to intense sexual arousal and powerful orgasms. There has been some controversy in the scientific field over whether the G-spot even exists, and there are certainly many women who have yet to identify such a spot in their own bodies.

If you haven't discovered this particular part of your (or your partner's) anatomy and are interested in exploring, don't go searching until arousal is already in full swing. The G-spot swells with blood during arousal and becomes easier to find. It also becomes more sensitive. Your best bet is to insert a finger into the vagina and imagine that you are trying to massage the belly button. Assuming that you are able to locate it, remember that massaging the G-spot is more pleasurable for some women than for others. For those who find it sexually stimulating, you may want to experiment with different sexual positions that maximize stimulation of the spot during intercourse.

On Monday, I'll post on the G-Shot - a collagen injection to "pump up" your sex life.

Energy-Draining or Energy-Giving?

Virtually everyone has an overly-full plate these days - too many demands on your time, too much time spent at work, too little sleep to replenish yoursef. It's a complaint I hear over and over again when couples talk about their infrequent sexual activity: "We're just exhausted at the end of the day. We're asleep within 5 minutes of our heads hitting the pillows."

So is sex one more demand that you have to reserve energy for? Or is sex - like sleep - a source of energy? Sex does, of course, require a certain expenditure of energy, but it can also re-energize. It is a wellspring of strength and vitality that can put a spring in your step and years off your face as surely as a 12-hour sleep marathon.

When sex is approached as a chore or a responsibility, it's life-giving potential is often missed. If you're tired and feeling beaten up by life, you probably need more sex, not less. Don't pass up the opportunity to tap into an energy source that will benefit both you and your relationship.

Exceptional Sex - Part 2

Yesterday I included some questions from The Exceptional Seven Percent to open up discussion with your partner about your sexual relationship. Today I want to share some ideas from the book that you may want to try.

1. Take 10 consecutive days off from lovemaking this month. Each of the ten days, make a
point to give each other loving, focused attention: cuddle together, make out without
going all the way, go on a date, etc. On the eleventh day, set aside special time for break-
ing the fast.

2. Some time when you make love, look into each other's eyes as you climax. Don't say a
a word or make a sound. Focus all your passion through your eyes.

3. Some time when you make love, take turns agreeing not to do anything unless your
your partner tells you what to do. Have your mate describe what to do, how long to
to do it, and how fast or slow.

Exceptional Sex

In Gregory Popcak's book, The Exceptional Seven Percent, he explores the secrets of the world's happiest couples. The last chapter is on exceptional sex and ends with some questions for couples to discuss with each other. If it's easier, partners can write out their answers and then exchange the written responses before discussing them. Here's just a few of the questions I found interesting:

1. How good is your social intercourse? How do you think this affects your lovemaking?
How can you improve your partnership out of the bedroom?
2. What do you enjoy most about making love with your partner? When you think of
of the most fun you ever had making love with your partner, what springs to mind?
What time was the most meaningful?
3. How do you think shame or fear of vulnerability holds you back as a lover? What
can you do to begin overcoming these struggles? How can your mate support you?
4. If you were to take a break from lovemaking, what areas of your relationship would
you like to focus more attention on? How do you think this would benefit you?

Christian Nymphos

A friend of mine sent me a link to an interesting website a few weeks back. It's a site started by a group of Christian women who believe that God intended for husbands and wives to have passionate, abundant sex lives - with each other, of course. The web address is http://christiannymphos.org Really.

The site includes a blog as well as interesting articles. These ladies don't shy away from explicit sexual advice. There are suggestions for new sexual positions to try, some thoughts on sex while menstruating, and even tips for those interested in oral or anal sex. Some pretty cool stuff. So even if the God talk isn't really your thing, you might want to check it out. Personally, I'm just glad there's a religious voice out there really celebrating and promoting hot sex!

Halloween

Been to any adult Halloween parties this season? If so, you've probably seen another side of the mild-mannered, modest folks who work alongside you at the office or wave to you as they're taking out the trash. In addition to the ghouls and the Frankensteins, you most likely have been exposed to the inner vixen that lies hidden underneath many people's conservative everyday persona. Playboy bunnies, skimpily dressed nurses, suave pirates, and black-caped draculas all reflect the pleasure to be found in accessing the daring, erotic impulses that are often kept under wraps.

Even the funky, hilarious costumes bring out the playful and childlike parts of people that allow inhibition to be chucked for the evening. Not really so far removed from role-play and fantasy enactment. So when you take off that costume after the party tonight, try keeping your imagination activated for an erotic adventure with your partner.

Happy Halloween!

Resistance

I've written previously about sexual problems and strategies for addressing them, but what if you have a partner who refuses to face a problem or get any help for it?

First, try to understand what's behind the refusal. Is it the inability to take ownership of the problem because of ego? Is it embarrassment about seeking help from a doctor? Is there an assumption that the problem will eventually just 'go away' on its own?

Second, express your frustration and concern about both the immediate and long-term impact on your sexual relationship. Refrain from any criticism or attack. Stress the value you place on your physical intimacy.

Third, ask if there's anything you can do that might help solve the problem. Be willing to explore alternative solutions. Gently ask for a commitment to implementing a change or seeking help from a doctor or other professional.

Ignoring sexual problems can lead to much bigger issues down the road and unnecessarily contaminate a couple's sexual relationship. Don't let your partner's denial and resistance become your own.

Lowering Libido?

A woman wrote into Annie's advice column today in the Courier wondering why it's always women who are expected to accomodate men's more active libido rather than men doing something to lower their own. The response indicated that the writer was not alone in feeling this way.

Actually, I think many men with strong sex drives already do a lot of accomodating since it's frequently their partners who determine how often sex occurs. Now that doesn't mean the men always accomodate gracefully. I've written several times on the importance of negotiating differences in desire in a relationship and the negative impact of a partner who pressures and complains about not getting enough sex.

I would stop short, however, in suggesting that men (or women) do anything to lower their libido. The libido is a source of energy and excitement. Anyone with libido to spare can masturbate, and they can invest their excess passion in worthwhile endeavors. Certainly a better alternative than saltpeter.

Sex Diaries

Did you happen to catch the issue of Velocity entitled The SEX Issue (Oct. 15-21)? For those who haven't seen it around town, Velocity is a free news publication covering leisure life in Louisville. This issue contained five-day sex diaries from 6 single Louisvillians in their 20's and 30's.

After reading the diaries, I was left trying to figure out if single people just think about sex a lot more than married people or if people who volunteer to share their sexual thoughts and behaviors with the public are just naturally more sex-focused. Or maybe once having volunteered for the assignment, they became more sexually focused. It made me think that if you kept a diary just for recording sexual thoughts, desires, fantasies, and encounters, it might increase your sexuality quotient - in the same way that keeping a gratitude journal tends to increase an appreciation for all that's positive in your life.

Maybe you're thinking if you kept a sex diary, it would be filled with lots of blank pages. But that's because you're not really paying attention. Sexual thoughts and feelings can be subtle and fleeting. Who knows what might happen if you began to notice and record all the sexual blips on your radar....

Defining Infidelity

In today's world, infidelity has become a little more complicated to define. It used to be pretty simple - infidelity was when someone engaged in intercourse with another person other than his or her partner. But now there are lots of different ways to cross couple boundaries without actually having sex with someone else.

Is it infidelity when someone engages in cybersex, online sexual chatting, emotional involvement with someone online, keeping secrets from one's partner, flirting? How about just secretly viewing online pornography? When are you being unfaithful to your partner?

Many therapists consider infidelity to include any other relationship that drains energy from the couple and contains an element of secrecy. What's your definition? It may be an important conversation to have with your partner.

New Viagra Study

If you're a woman who's experiencing orgasm delay, low libido, or lack of lubrication as a result of antidepressant use, you may be interested in the results of a recent study reported in the July issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association.

Ninety-eight women with sexual disorders associated with antidepressant use were randomly assigned to take viagra or a placebo about one to two hours before sexual activity. 73% of the women taking the placebo reported no improvement in sexual response whereas only 28% of the viagra group saw no improvement.

This is important because sexual impairment is a leading reason for non-compliance with prescribed antidepressant treatment. People should not have to choose between depression and an impaired sex life. If your antidepressant is creating havoc with your sexual functioning, talk to your doctor before discontinuing treatment. You may be able to have your cake and eat it, too.

Prairie Voles

Did you catch the article on "vole love" in the Courier's science section on Monday? Scientists studying prairie voles discovered that close monogamous relationships alter the chemistry of the brain. Monogamy causes the release of a compound that builds loyalty and also plays a role in depression during times of separation.

Human brains have the same loyalty chemical and may be subject to a similar impact following the loss of a partner. One of the authors of the study said the experiment might help explain the longing people feel for partners who are absent and might also shed light on why couples remain in bad relationships.

The brain chemical responsible for maintaining the loyalty bonds is CRF (corticotropin-releasing factor). There are drug companies working on drugs that act on CRF to treat depression and anxiety disorders. I don't know that we'll ever have a quick fix for grief, but it's nice to know that our brains are giving monogamy a little boost.

Desperate Housewives

I confess - watching "Desperate Housewives" on Sunday nights is one of my guilty pleasures. The show doesn't typically provide many good examples of healthy sexuality, but last week was an exception. Gabby, who in past seasons has slept with her teenage gardener, was complaining about the lackluster quickies at 11:00 p.m. that had come to replace the previously passionate sex life with her husband. But she didn't stop at complaining. She went to great lengths to arrange a weekly play date for their daughter so they could have hot sex in the middle of the afternoon when they both still had some energy. The fact that the play date didn't work out and the daughter caught them in the middle of the act just added an additional story line.

Gabby did something else interesting. She inquired of her blind husband, Carlos, what it was like to have sex as a blind person. Carlos decided to show rather than tell and proceeded to blindfold her. Taking away sight produced an erotic encounter that emphasized the other senses.

It was nice to see a married couple on TV working to improve their sex life. Made me feel a little less guilty over my Sunday TV viewing.

After the Talk

After talking to your partner about ways to improve your sex life, be patient. Let your partner know how much it means that they are willing to make your sexual relationship a higher priority. If your partner doesn't experience spontaneous feelins of desire, they have to be very intentional about creating space and energy for sex to occur. That requires a serious commitment. Don't over-react to relapses and look for opportunities to reinforce positive changes, no matter how small.

Above all, don't return to pressure tactics or put-downs. Nothing will shut down your partner's interest faster than being made to feel not good enough. With enough pressure you might get some obligatory sex, but that's usually quite a bit less than satisfying. Aim for quality over quantity, and you may even get more of the latter.

'The Talk'

If previous conversations with your partner about sex have been laced with sarcasm and put-downs, you're gong to have to approach this talk gingerly. Making sure the relationship is on solid ground is a prerequisite. Then try sharing why you feel that the sexual part of your relationship is important. Share what you get from your lovemaking and what rewards you anticipate for both of you if there is an improvement in your sex life.

Stay positively focused and recall what has been special about your sexual relationship. Apologize for the ways that you allowed distance to slip into the relationship. Let your partner know that you regret any negativity or pressure that you've been responsible for. Ask what your partner needs from you to increase their sexual interest and how you can be a more desirable mate.

Listen carefully to your partner's responses. You may not hear exactly what you want to hear, but you might hear something that will help get things moving in a better direction.

You Want It - Your Partner Doesn't

Generating sexual interest from an unresponsive partner is tricky business. Nagging, complaining, pouting, and withdrawing just feed the problem. If you want to improve your sexual relationship, you need a different approach.

The first step is taking the temperature of your overall relationship. The sex life with your partner doesn't exist in a vacuum. Until you fix any big sources of friction and distance in your relationship, you can't reasonably expect your partner to embrace your goal of a lusty love life.

Listen carefully to your partner and begin working harder to meet their non-sexual needs. Stop using your partner's sexual rejection as a justification for withholding what they want from you. Demonstrate your interest in being a better partner. Begin building more romance into your relationship - without expecting a sexual 'reward'. Your partner needs to feel valued for more than your sexual fulfillment.

Then it's time to talk. On Monday, I'll post on how-to's for 'The Talk'.

Food for Sex

I'm not talking today about sexy foods, but foods that help maintain your sexual health. The following list comes from superhotsex:

Zinc: The most important mineral for sexual behavior and fertility. Zinc helps create
enzymes that govern taste and smell - both crucial for sexual arousal. Foods
containing zinc include shellfish, egg, cheese, lamb, poultry, lentils, and brown rice.

Magnesium: This keeps your sex hormones balanced, aids sexual stamina, and is vital
for sexual sensitivity, arousal, ejaculation, and orgasm. Boost your levels with green leafy
vegetables, nuts, cheese, bananas, and cereal.

Calcium: It's needed for nerve transmission and muscle contraction associated with
male erection and female orgasm. Dairy products, green leafy vegetables, beans, prunes,
nuts, and dried fruits are good sources of calcium.

Vitamin C: While you're fighting off your next cold, you could also be boosting your sex
drive and strengthening your sex organs. Good sources are berries, citrus fruits, mangoes,
potatoes, and broccoli.

Basically, a healthy balanced diet will supply most of what you need for good sexual health, but in today's fast-food world, that can be a challenge. Knowing you're not just packing on pounds but also hurting your sex life might be a little extra incentive to avoid that next bag of cheetos.

Sex for the Blues

I've previously discussed the power of touch in reducing stress. Loving caresses and warm hugs reduce the level of cortisol in your body which produces a calming effect. I'm sure you've experienced a release of tension in both giving and receiving touch. Even stroking your cat or dog tends to lower blood pressure and have a soothing impact, so you can imagine what sex can do for you.

In addition to the pleasant sensations produced by touch, sex delivers an additional boost for women. Did you know that semen contains dopamine, the pleasure neurotransmitter? There is research demonstrating that women in monogamous relationships who have sex without condoms report lower levels of depression than a comparable group whose partners used condoms. Pretty cool research!

So if you're stressed or depressed, you might want to try having more sex. No side effects and a lot more fun than traditional treatments!

Shopping or Sex?

In a recent survey, 53% of American women said they preferred shopping over sex. Now maybe that's the same percentage that prefer scrubbing the toilet over sex, but if not, what's that all about? Is buying a new pair of jeans really that rewarding or is the sex just not that hot? These can't be the same women who claim they'd be more interested in sex if they weren't so tired - the energy expenditure in the average sexual encounter is small potatoes compared to the energy required to pound the concrete floors of a shopping mall for a couple of hours.

If you're a woman who would have voted with the 53%, what would it take for sex to outrank shopping? What would make sex something to look forward to? What would have to change? When you can answer those questions, share them with your partner. He needs to be clued in. Send them along to me, too, if you're so inclined. I'm interested.

Sexual Requests

I frequently hear complaints from women whose partners are asking them to do something sexually that they're just not comfortable doing. Often it's not anything especially kinky - just something outside their comfort zone, like a new sexual position, enacting a fantasy, or talking 'dirty'.

You certainly have the right to refuse sexual requests that you find repugnant or completely unacceptable. However, being willing to stretch your comfort zone to include new sexual behaviors can be a gift to your partner and a boost to the intensity of your sex life.

The next time your partner wants to try something new, you might want to say you'll think about it instead of responding with a quick 'no'. Find out why your partner is suggesting it and share where your discomfort lies. Maybe there's a variation of the request or some small steps you would be willing to try. Taking a risk can bring you and your partner closer together - and you might find more enjoyment in it than you anticipated.

Treading Carefully

It probably doesn't surprise you that there's a high correlation between sexual dissatisfaction and a reluctance to discuss sexual matters with a partner. In a survey of 100,000 married women, the wives' ability to talk about sex with their husbands was the strongest indicator of sexual satisfaction. And the more they talked, the happier they rated their sex lives.

But even though we live in a culture that is sexually saturated, sex talk still poses a problem for lots of couples. I often hear from a partner who has bravely tried to initiate a discussion of sexual preferences with their significant other and is met with silence or defensiveness. Embarrassment is an issue, of course, but feeling threatened in an area of great vulnerability is usually the trigger for a defensive reaction.

Any sexual feedback needs to be accompanied by a lot of reassurance and an emphasis on the positive. You can ask for what you want without criticizing what you're getting. It's an area where it's important to tread gingerly. Just don't allow the sensitivity to shut you down.

Women's Fantasies

Women's fantasies are no less 'hot' than men's even though they may include more conversation and more narrative. Here are the top 20 female fantasies as reported by Tracey Cox in superhotsex:

• Fantasies about previous or anticipatory sex with a current partner
• Sex with a man other than partner
• Sex with a woman
• Sex with someone at work
• A threesome with two men
• Sex with a celebrity
• Being given expert oral sex
• Sex with a stranger
• Being found irresistible
• Being a sex worker
• Romantic fantasies
• Being deflowered as a sacrificial virgin
• Being watched by a voyeur
• Being forced to strip in front of a crowd of men
• Playing Mrs. Robinson and deflowering a male virgin
• Having an army of men as sex slaves
• Being 'forced' to have sex
• Starring in a porn film
• Being seduced by an authority figure
• S & M - being tied up and spanked or whipped

If your fantasies didn't make the top 20 list, that doesn't mean you're weird or perverted. You just get extra credit for creativity. But if your fantasy life is getting a little tired, you may want to try some variation of the above themes to inject new energy into your sex life.

Top Male Fantasies

Men's fantasy lives are filled with visual images and a focus on the physical, whereas women's fantasies are built more around a story. Men often think about things they've actually experienced, while women are likely to fantasize about things they've never done.

According to superhotsex by Tracey Cox, the following are the top 20 male fantasies:

• Fantasies about previous or anticipatory sex with a current partner
• A threesome - usually watching two women having sex, then joining in
• Sex with a woman other than partner
• Anonymous, spontaneous sex with a stranger
• Group sex
• Unending oral sex
• Anal sex
• Secretly watching a woman undress and masturbate
• Sex in a public or risky place
• Being seduced by an older woman
• Seducing a virgin
• Spying on two other people having sex
• Having sex with a friend's girlfriend
• S & M - being tied up and spanked or whipped
• Sex with forbidden people
• Sex with a sex worker
• Watching partner be taken by another man
• Sex with another man
• Being watched and applauded for sexual expertise
• A "pretend" rape scenario

Tomorrow I'll post on favorite female fantasies.

Sexual Cues

One last post on something heterosexuals can learn from gays and lesbians. It has to do with being tuned in and aware of your partner's level of arousal.

In Masters and Johnson's study, they found that straight men and women were not adept at identifying their partner's sexual cues: The straight man "became so involved in his own sexual tensions that he seemed relatively unaware of the degree of his partner's sexual involvement. There were only a few instances when the husband seemed fully aware of his wife's levels of sexual excitation and helped her to expand her pleasure..." And "rarely did a wife identify her husband's preorgasmic stage...and suspend him at this high level of sexual excitation..."

Gays and lesbians exhibited much greater skill in tuning into their partner's sexual responses. They teased each other and "tended to move slowly...and to linger at...[each] stage of stimulative response, making each step in tension increment something to be appreciated..."

It's not easy, balancing a focus on your own sensual pleasure with an attentiveness to your partner's responses. Sex is an intricate dance - and one that gets better with practice.

The Gender Gap

Doing to your partner what you'd like done to you causes some problems in straight couples' sexual encounters. I hear many women complain about partners going immediately for their crotch, and I hear men express impatience with all the foreplay that goes on strictly above the waist.

Another example: According to Masters, "Since rapid forceful stroking was the pattern of choice during male masturbation, it was also a consistent pattern during the male's manipulation of his female partner's clitoris. The lesbians' lighter touch was generally the more acceptable..." Similarly, husbands told the researchers that their wives "did not grasp the shaft of the penis tightly enough."

Being heterosexual doesn't have to be a major handicap in sexual interactions if you keep in mind the differences in what you find pleasurable and what your partner finds pleasurable. But, of course, knowing the differences involves talking about sex - something else gays seem better at than heterosexuals. The more openly and easily you can talk about what you do and don't enjoy in your sex life, the more you narrow the gender gap.

Gender Empathy

I just read another interesting study reported by Mary Roach in Bonk. She discovered a manuscript detailing the results of a study done by Masters and Johnson in 1979 comparing the laboratory sexual encounters of straight, gay, and lesbian couples. The 'best' sex - in terms of high levels of excitation - reportedly occurred between gay and lesbian couples because they took their time and moved slowly from one level of sexual interaction and stimulation to another.

"Another difference was that the lesbians were almost as aroused by what they were doing to their partner as was the partner herself." It was the partner's reaction that served as a turn-on. "Masters and Johnson's heterosexuals failed to grasp that if you lost yourself in the tease - in the pleasure and power of turning someone on - that that could be as arousing as being teased and turned on oneself." The heterosexuals exhibited a far greater goal orientation which interfered with maximizing pleasurable sensations along the way. The gay men "lavished attention on their partners' entired bodies" whereas the straight women focused primarily on their partner's penis.

"Masters points out that the heterosexuals were at a disadvantage [because]... doing unto your partner as you would do unto yourself only works well when you're gay." That's where gender empathy is a factor. More on that on Monday.

Perceived Arousal

In the last couple of posts, I've discussed the subtleties of female arousal and the connection between mind and body. As a result of these dynamics, women are often unaware of their bodies' sexual responses. As it turns out, however, women's genitals are amazingly responsive to a variety of sexual stimuli and are even less discriminating in their responses than men!

Studies on men's and women's responses to pornographic images have shown that men are aroused only by images that fit their sexual orientation and interests while women exhibit immediate genital arousal in response to films of sexual activity, regardless of who is engaging in it. Women even registered a genital response to films of bonobos mating, whereas men did not.

Despite genital arousal, women in these studies often report feeling no sexual response to the films whatsoever. Mary Roach concludes that "...it is the mind that speaks a woman's heart, not the vaginal walls." In other words, lubrication can occur with no sense of emotional or sexual arousal, and it's perceived arousal that feeds sexual interest.

Bottom line, a woman's mind and emotions play a more significant role in sexual arousal than the response of her genitalia. But it's still nice to know that the genitals are so responsive. Sometimes the body has a wisdom of its own.

How to Get the Station

For women, learning to tune into their sexual responses may be easier said than done. Even female rats have difficulty with focus during sex. In The Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, Kinsey reports: "Cheese crumbs spread in front of a copulating pair of rats may distract the female, but not the male."

So how do you increase your focus? One approach is through mindfulness training. You can train yourself to tune out distractions and pay closer attention to physical sensations. Mary Roach reports on the results of a study with eighteen women who complained of arousal difficulties. After participating in mindfulness training, "...there was a significant jump in their ratings of how aroused they'd been feeling during sexual encounters."

Mindfulness is about being present in the moment - focusing on all the good feelings in your body instead of mentally ticking off items on your to-do list or worrying about your body being a turn-off to your partner. It's about stilling the mind - shutting down the chatter in the left hemisphere of the brain and learning to just be. It takes practice, but it's a skill that has payoffs both inside and outside the bedroom.

Female Arousal

I've posted several times on the complexities of female arousal. Mary Roach, the author of Bonk, discovered some interesting research on the connection between a woman's mind and body. Using a device called an arousometer, a researcher studied the photoplethysmograph responses of three groups of women to erotic film clips: one group with arousal disorder, one with orgasm disorder, and a control group. The women with some dysfunction differed from the controls not in the physical changes that took place in their bodies while watching the clips, but in their awareness of the changes.

It turns out that the functional women - even those with only a small physical response to the erotic film - were able to notice and pay attention to their responses. In the dysfunctional group, many of the women had normal physical responses but didn't attend to them. These may be women who only feel aroused when there is an emotional, loving connection.

Women's sexual arousal signals are more subtle than men's. Part of the challenge for women is learning to tune in to their bodies, turn down the static, and get on the right channel.

Sex and the Election

Aside from whatever sex scandals might surface, you'd think sex would have little to do with the upcoming elections. But sex seems to be figuring quite prominently in the presidential race - as in who brings the most sex appeal to the ticket. Obama had that one hands down until McCain picked Palin as his running mate. Now when Palin meets with foreign leaders, the paper talks about the men "swooning", and people are rushing out to buy eyeglasses in the same style as Palin's. How important is sex appeal in our choice of candidates?

Though we've had plenty of decidedly unsexy occupants in the Oval Office, sex appeal undoubtedly adds something to the ticket. We're drawn not simply to attractiveness but to the energy, the excitement, and the charisma of a sexy politician. Gore and Kerry would be considered attractive by many people, but were crucified for being stiff and stuffy. McCain also suffers from a lack of perceived warmth and user-friendliness.

Clinton - that's Bill Clinton - epitomized the qualities people are drawn to instinctively - the ability to connect on a personal level, enthusiasm, confidence, warmth, and a relaxed intensity. I'm certainly not suggesting that sex appeal should be the primary criteria for selecting a candidate, but the fact that it plays such a big role in elections tells us something about the importance of sexuality in our own lives.

The Great Life Force

Sex connects us to our bodies – the vehicle through which we experience life. Thomas Moore says, “To look at and feel the naked human body is to behold, perhaps without much understanding, the mysteries of life.” Sex brings us to life and helps us live with passion and presence.

So what if you’re not involved in a sexual relationship? You are a sexual being whether you’re having sex or not. If you’re present in your body and your senses are alive, you can experience your sexuality in a passionate engagement with life. You can tap into your creativity and discover how to manifest your sexual impulses in the world. It may be through poetry or dance or cooking or intimate involvement with friends.

Sex is more than an expression of love and more than what two bodies do with one another. Our culture has trivialized sex. Try giving yourself permission to expand and deepen your understanding of this great life force.

More Than Love

If you limit sexuality to an expression of love, then you miss out on much that is playful and erotic about sex. You end up feeling guilty about the sexual thoughts and fantasies that pop up in your mind that have nothing to do with love, or you may be offended by your partner's erotic fantasies and desires.

Often the need to romanticize sex is rooted in a general discomfort with sex. Feelings of disgust and revulsion toward our 'animalistic' urges are a product of negative sexual conditioning both within our families and our culture. Those feelings can also result from hurtful or traumatic sexual experiences. When those feelings are not worked through and people aren't comfortable with sexuality, sex can only be enjoyed when it's air-brushed with gushing sentiment and candlelight.

Not that love and deep emotional intimacy aren't vital aspects of sex. But sex encompasses so much more. When you can bring your whole self to sexual expression, you not only increase your pleasure but enhance the connection with your partner, as well.

Sex and Life

Before the power outage knocked me off-line, I promised to talk about sex as more than an expression of love or a simple satisfaction of physical desire. I want to share a couple of thoughts from Thomas Moore's Dark Nights of the Soul:

"By bringing out your sensuality and vitality, at its best sex can connect you to society and to the natural world. It can be the vehicle by which you surrender to life and can restore a sense of your body. Sex accomplishes a great deal for the human soul through the emotional relationship and through sensuality."

"Sex involves precisely those things that are most important to the soul: love, curiosity, fantasy, desire, pleasure, intimacy, and sensation. In sex, there is no obvious work to be done and no particular outcome...In sex, the body is a world to be explored. ...practicality recedes. What happens then is of great significance to your sense of meaning, to feelings of relatedness, and to a sense of self."

If you're a person who says, "I just don't care about sex", your partner's needs may not be the only thing that's getting neglected. You may also be missing out on an important source of connection to your body and to the earth.

Back From the Dark

During the last week as I struggled - along with countless others - without power at home or at the office, I realized how many activities require electricity. I didn't miss TV much, but I did miss keeping up with email, and I really missed home-cooked meals and reading before going to sleep. I was reminded that sex works just as well as reading in promoting good sleep.

Do you think there was a lot more sex going on in electricity-deprived cities last week? I hope people took advantage of the darkness, of the earlier bedtimes, of a little less busy-ness and a little slower pace to talk more with their partners and rediscover the delight of each other's bodies. Life in Louisville has returned to a more or less normal routine these days, but couples who took advantage of the outage to generate their own electricity between the sheets might want to consider the on-going value of turning off the lights and the TV just a little bit earlier each night.

Avoidance?

I often hear men complain about the need many women seem to have for conditions to be 'just right' before sex is a possibility. The conditions vary but often include complete privacy (no one else in the house), being 'in the mood', things being 'right' in the relationship, a romantic prelude, a clean house, etc. etc. Men find these conditions to be more than a little frustrating, and often conclude that it just amounts to more avoidance.

Maybe, maybe not. Women's sexuality is complex, and if a woman has not nurtured her sexuality and become comfortable as a sexual being, then it doesn't take much to shut down her sexual response. If she's only ok with sex when it's couched in romance and is preceded by emotional intimacy, then she will miss many opportunities for pleasure and relaxation.

Starting next week, I'll be posting on how sex can be more than an expression of emotion or a simple satisfaction of physical desire.

Sexual Giving

If you're the one with little to no desire in your relationship, you can probably make a good case for your lack of desire - too much work, too little sleep, and getting too little from your sex-crazed partner who doesn't pay a lot of attention to you unless it's to try and get some action. You may be very justified in your complaints, whatever they are, but if you're interested in changing the dynamics in your relationship, you need to consider things from your partner's point of view.

What do you think it's like to crave physical touch and sexual intimacy and have it denied to you by the person who's supposed to love you? Or to have to settle for obligatory, get-it-over-with sex when what you want to feel is your partner's desire? If that's your partner experience, then they have little motivation to meet your needs because they're running on empty.

Sexual giving is about focusing on your partner's need for physical contact. It's not about waiting until the mood hits you - it's about initiating physical touch and sexual involvement. It's about setting a goal to have sex at least once or twice a week as a means of expressing love in your partner's language. It's choosing to be sexual even when you're not naturally inspired.

As with any change effort, you can't expect to see immediate results. You may notice your partner being in a better mood, but not really going out of the way to meet your needs. It takes time for your partner to trust that you haven't just flipped out or that you don't have a hidden agenda. And make sure you don't have a hidden agenda.

Wanting a better relationship is not a hidden agenda. Learning to take each other's needs seriously and making a concerted effort to meet those needs is the best formula around for relationship success.

How To Get More Sex

If you're the one pushing for more sex in your relationship, it's time to stop pushing if you're serious about change. I'm sure you believe that life-long celibacy will be your fate if you give up trying to get some action in the bedroom, but what you're currently doing probably only produces occasional, less-than-satisfying sex anyway. Sex is really not that enjoyable with a partner who's only giving in under pressure.

Now you may have tried giving up in the past - no pressure, no criticism - just to see how long it would take for your partner to approach YOU. That doesn't cut it. A moratorium on sex (and pressure for sex) doesn't work if you're doing nothing else differently. If you're silently - and resentfully - waiting for your partner to make the first move, you're likely to be waiting a long time.

Real change is about letting go of your sexual expectations and beginning to meet your partner's expectations. Think about your partner's repetitive complaints about you and the relationship. What is it that they want - more time? more appreciation? more romance? more help? Whatever it is that they're looking for, that's your ticket to filling their heart. And it's not enough to do it for a few days or a week and then sit back and wait for your 'reward'. This isn't a simple barter - I'll scratch your back if you'll scratch mine. It's about giving to your partner out of love and out of a genuine concern for their needs.

If you have a long history of sexual conflict with your partner, it will take time to convince them that you care as much about their needs as you care about your own. But if you're willing to be patient, there's no better aphrodisiac in the world.

Giving Without Getting

Taking charge of change in your relationship means that you put your own needs aside for a time and focus on filling your partner's needs. You stop worrying about what's fair and equitable and start working on speaking your partner's 'love language'. It helps to give yourself a time frame for this effort because it's tough to keep giving when your own tank is empty. But be generous with your time frame.

Can you keep it up for a month? Two months? My recommendation is generally for three months, and here's why: your partner will often fail to notice your earliest attempts at change. When your efforts are noticed, your partner may consider the changes a fluke or just wonder what's up. In any case, your efforts will likely be viewed with some suspicison or skepticism and little trust that they will be sustained. It takes time for your partner to really let down their guard and allow themselves to receive what you're giving. Only then do they begin feeling 'filled up'.

Once that happens, you'll often begin getting more of what YOU want, but be careful about making demands too soon. Start gradually and make your requests very specific. In the past, your partner may have stopped trying to give you what you needed if they felt like nothing they ever did was good enough. Don't leave any room for ambiguity.

Tomorrow and Thursday I'll apply the giving principle specifically to the sexual side of your relationship.

Change

When unhappy couples show up at my office, I can be pretty sure that each partner believes that the source of the problem resides with the other. Even when each person is able to take some ownership for their part of the problem, they typically see it as a response to what they're getting - or not getting - from their partner. Nagging and criticism? A response to a partner who's irresponsible and unwilling to help out. Controlling behavior? A response to a partner who's impulsive and unreliable. Sexual shut-down? A response to a partner who is unloving outside the bedroom.

The problem with this thinking, of course, is that change becomes impossible if both partners are waiting for the other to change first. And if you're the only one interested in working on the relationship, it leaves you powerless. Even if you're willing to take the initiative in changing, you may easily give up your efforts if you don't immediately get the response you're looking for.

Tomorrow I'll talk about what's needed to create real change.

What's Up?

"What's wrong?" "Nothing." How often does that conversation take place in your relationship? If you're on the asking side of that 'conversation', you're probably picking up some non-verbal cues that tell you something is going on with your partner. Without any feedback, you're left to wonder if there's a problem at work, a problem in the relationship, a physical problem, or whether it's just a bad mood. Of course, there may be no problem at all, but "nothing" just doesn't do much to put your mind at ease.

If you're the one being asked the question, you may feel irritated about being put on the spot. Maybe there's nothing wrong or maybe you're just not ready to talk about it if there is something wrong. Or you're afraid of getting into a fight or you're one of those people who gets more upset when you talk about whatever is upsetting you.

The problem here is that shutting your partner out creates distance. It opens up space for negative - and often incorrect - assumptions. It erodes trust and directly impacts intimacy. Bottom line, it's dishonest to say nothing is wrong if something is bugging you. If you don't know exactly what it is or you're not yet ready to talk about, it's better to say that. At the same time, give your partner some reassurance that you'll clue them in sometime in the near future - or as soon as you figure it out.

Sexuality thrives in an atmosphere of connection and open communication. You can't close the door on communication and expect an open door to intimacy. So the next time your partner asks, "What's wrong?", you might want to think twice before responding in your usual fashion.

Love Languages - Part 2

Meeting a partner's need for touch isn't necessarily easy if you're not a 'touchy' person. So why should you make the effort?

Consider what it's like for you when your partner isn't doing what makes you feel loved and cared about. You might do just fine without twice weekly lovemaking sessions, but you may start to feel very disgruntled if you're regularly ignored when you try to talk to your partner or you rarely ever hear a compliment or your repeated requests for help around the house fall on deaf ears. Being a good listener, giving affirmations, or doing household chores may lie outside your partner's comfort zone, but don't you expect some effort from your partner toward meeting your needs? Do you really care that it doesn't come easy?

It's easy to put physical affection and sex into a different category altogether - to forget that it may be as important to your partner's well being and relationship satisfaction as feeling appreciated is to your satisfaction. It's a good thing to remember.

Love Languages

In his book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman details five ways that people understand and receive emotional love. He's broken it down into 1) words of affirmation, 2) quality time,
3) gifts, 4) acts of service, and 5) physical touch. His theory is that people develop a primary love language based on their psychological makeup and how love was expressed in their family.

Things get tricky in relationships because partners often bring different love languages to the table. Because we usually tend to give what we want to receive, our very best efforts to express love to a partner can be poorly received. The solution is to learn what makes your partner feel loved and be generous in supplying it.

So if you're with a partner whose desire for sex is tied into a primary love language of physical touch, lack of interest on your part is typically experienced as a lack of love. Negotiating differences in desire then becomes more than a simple compromise. If you're the one with less desire, one option is to make sex a higher priority, but you can also focus on increasing the physical affection in your relationship. Touch speaks volumes - especially to the person for whom touch is their primary language of love.

Body Discomfort

It's not a news flash that the majority of women are dissatisfied with their bodies. Just the whole self-hatred thing is bad enough in terms of how much joy it steals from women's lives, but body discomfort can also make sex a downright distasteful body experience. Feeling bad about your body in isolation is one thing - having your body on view and available for touching by another human being takes it to another level.

Body hatred leads to sex in the dark, sex in certain positions only, prohibitions on touching particular areas of the body, and/or no sex at all. What women forget is that their sexual inhibitions are a much bigger turn-off for their partner than any flab or sagging flesh could ever be. And having those hated body parts lovingly carressed can actually be healing. You know you can't do that for yourself - why not let your partner help you grow in body acceptance? At the very least, more freedom and fewer inhibitions will definitely improve your sex life.

Not Her Own Desire

I was reading a novel by Joyce Carol Oates recently and came across a passage I thought was a good description of how so many women experience desire. Here's the quote, from Black Water: "As he kissed her those several times, kissing, sucking, groping....she felt the jolt of desire: not her desire, but the man's. As, since girlhood, kissing and being kissed, Kelly Kelleher had always felt, not her own, but the other's, the male's, desire. Quick and galvanizing as an electric shock. Feeling too, once she caught her breath, that familiar wave of anxiety, guilt -- I've made you want me, now I can't refuse you."

Even women who've gotten in touch with their own desire often depend on men to activate it. Set the mood, whisper the right words, touch the right places and then maybe she'll get turned on enough to be a full participant.

Part of claiming your sexuality is taking responsibility for turning yourself on. Not that your partner doesn't have a significant role to play, but being completely responsible for your sexual responses is an unfair burden to impose on your partner. It's time for sexual equality - both inside and outside of the bedroom.

Swinging

Statistics on the number of people who engage in swinging are hard to come by, but it's probably more than you would guess. Or maybe I'm just tainted by the number of times I hear about it in my practice. The people who belong to swinger's clubs are often the ones you would least suspect - the PTA president, the couple you sit next to at your grandson's softball games, the couple who help pass the collection plates at church - seemingly solid, ordinary citizens.

The rationale for swinging typically has to do with spicing up a couple's sex life. The couple believes that as long as swapping partners is done openly and honestly, it doesn't pose a risk to their relationship. In fact, I've heard many couples report that having sex with others actually improves sex with each other.

So what's the down side to swinging? Again, I may be tainted because the couples I see are the ones who are experiencing some problems, but I believe it's a hard lifestyle to sustain without problems. It may start off ok. It's exciting and different and intense. But often attachments develop. What follows are unsanctioned, secret liasions which contain the same betrayal as any affair. Keeping everything on the up and up - strictly physical, total disclosure - is a balancing act that's hard for most couples to manage. Partnerships are tough enough to manage without adding high-risk behavior to the mix. My advice? Play it out in fantasy - there's a lot less to lose.

Cancer Prevention

It's hard to figure out whether frequent sex makes people healthier or healthier people just have more sex. But when it comes to cancer, the link between frequent sexual activity and lower risk of certain cancers seems relatively clear.

The results of several studies indicate that the more men ejaculated between the ages of 20 and 50, the less likely they were to develop prostate cancer. That may be because ejaculation prevents carcinogens from building up in the prostate gland. There was no distinction made in the study between ejaculations resulting from masturbation and those that occurred during sex.

There is also some evidence suggesting that sex may decrease the risk of breast cancer. The studies are smaller and not as definitive, but it's been theorized that the regular production of oxytocin may aid in the elimination of carcinogenic fluid from the breast. This could occur during breast feeding or sexual activity.

More research needs to be done into the link between sexual activity and physical health, but preliminary results point to real health benefits from regular sexual activity. It's certainly a more entertaining preventative than an hour on the treadmill.

The Benefits of Kissing

Did you catch the article on kissing in last Sunday's USA Weekend? Interestingly enough, it was the science column for the week rather than the relationship column. Scientists have found that kissing lowers the levels of cortisol in the body for both men and women and increases the amount of oxytocin for men. Cortisol is a stress hormone, and oxytocin is a hormone which promotes bonding and attachment.

Because of the stress-reduction and connection produced by a kiss, the article concluded that kissing is "biologically geared toward making both parties feel better after a fight". Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, believes that a post-fight kiss is more powerful for men than for women.

But there's an extra kick in a kiss for women. Women receive testosterone through a man's saliva during kissing which can stimulate sexual desire. That just might lead to some great make-up sex.

Female Obstacle to Desire

There's a kernel of truth in every stereotype. So, though there are plenty of men dealing with low desire, it's a bigger problem for women. I've discussed the fact that women have lower levels of testosterone than men and that women have difficulty in claiming their sexuality due to their early conditioning as sex objects. But there's more to it than that.

Women's sexuality is less elemental than men's - less purely physical. A woman's sexuality is more tied into her brain than her genitalia. That is why a woman may struggle to get turned on when her thoughts are on how to get mom to take her meds correctly or whether to respond to a snippy email from her boss. It's also why 'small' distractions like children who are not yet asleep or overnight guests in the house can completely shut down any sexual interest or ability to respond sexually. Most men just don't seem to have a major problem with that.

Women can work on clearing the mind prior to a tryst so that sexual thoughts stand a fighting chance - and they can use a locked door and music to fend off distractions - but the reality is that there's more complexity to female sexual response than is the case with men. It sometimes takes a lot for all systems to be 'go' - but it's worth the effort.

Sex and the Happy Vs. Unhappy Couple

The classic stereotype of married sex is that husbands want it a lot more than their wives. In previous posts, however, I've discussed the fact that there are many marriages in which its the wife who is frustrated by a sexually disinterested spouse. There are more men out there with low desire than most people would suspect.

I found it interesting that in Catherine Johnson's research on happy marriages, she found that in happy couples the most common sexual problem tended to be too little sex for the husband. In the unhappy couple, the sexual problem was often too little sex for the wife. She concluded that "...the 'best' sexual problem for a married couple to have..was for the husband to be actively interested in making love to a wife who was sometimes distracted by the demands of daily life."

It may be that more unhappiness results from a disinterested husband because it flies in the face of the stereotype. It's not that men don't feel any rejection when their overtures are rebuffed, but they may accept it more easily because of the assumption that men are just more 'highly sexed" than women. When women are rebuffed, they are more likely to assume that it's because their partner no longer finds them desirable.

You don't necessarily get to pick your marital problems, but in light of this research, it would be wise to question your assumptions about differences in desire. Differences are always more easily resolved from a place of understanding rather than from assumptions.

Stereotypes Vs. Archetypes

Male and female stereotypes are typically limiting and often destructive. But male and female differences play a significant role in sexual attraction and passion. So in advocating equality between the sexes and promoting wholeness rather than rigidly defined role behavior, are we trying to eliminate the very thing that draws us toward the opposite sex?

The answer may lie in archetypes. Archetypes are more basic and primal than stereotypes. Male and female archetypes reflect a yin and yang in male/female relationships but acknowledge the feminine and masculine in each of us. Archetypes are ancient prototypes that are imbedded in our consiousness and are very influential in how we experience ourselves as males or females.

When people fall in love, they are deeply in touch with their maleness or femaleness. The electric sexual connection contains a strong element of male/female current that is based on difference. That's a difference to celebrate rather than eliminate.

Cycles of Passion

The intense rush of new love is fed by a chemical reaction in the brain. Eventually, the brain develops a tolerance for those chemicals just as it would develop a tolerance for cocaine. But because the brain is responsive to changes in chemical levels, couples in long-term relationships often experience cycles of passion.

When there are periods of low sexual activity - when a partner is traveling, during an illness, following childbirth, or just times of extreme busyness - the brain regains some of its sensitivity to a life-long partner. The increased sensitivity can lead to a more charged sexual relationship.

The natural ebb and flow of desire that couples experience over time can actually help prevent sexual boredom. Varying the frequency of sexual activity may be significant in recapturing the highs that keep things interesting. Couples usually don't have to plan for those variations - life just has a way of interrupting our best-'laid' plans. But during those times of lean sexual activity, it's helpful to remember that you may be building toward more intense sexual involvement.

On-going Attraction

Have you ever seen one of those interviews with couples in their 80's or 90's discussing how they've managed to stay together for 60 years or more? I've always been touched when I hear these white-haired, liver-spotted, frail men and women describe each other as "the most beautiful woman in the world" or "still the most handsome man I've ever met". Maybe you're thinking they have dementia or are just delusional. But I think it's more than that.

No one escapes the effects of aging. Wrinkles appear, hair disappears (but then crops up in the strangest places), weight accumulates, and gravity takes its toll. So, over the long haul, how do lovers maintain the physical attraction they initially felt for one another?

The romantic idealization that occurs during courtship doesn't end completely when the romantic phase of the relationship draws to a close. Catherine Johnson, who wrote a book called Lucky in Love, puts it this way: "In happy marriages idealization simply is not a passing phase...It is, rather, an abiding and fundamental aspect of a couple's bond. And because of this on-going process of idealization, couples do no register the changes taking place in each other's bodies all that keenly. That first, radiant impression of each other lives on undimmed by time."

That doesn't mean you can't see how your partner has aged - it just doesn't fundamentally change your attraction to them. But that's assuming the relationship has remained loving and strong. So, if you're on solid ground with your partner, you may want to try using them as your mirror. You'll see a better reflection.

Sexual Connection

What kind of sexual connection do you share with your partner? Is there a sexual bond even when the sexual frequency is nothing to write home about? Do you still find your partner desirable and enjoy physical closeness with him/her?

Most happy marriages are characterized by an enduring sexual connection long after the initial passion has faded. Chemistry and physical attraction form a sexual base that color even the more mundane aspects of marital and family life. It helps hold a couple together through the ups and downs of life, and helps them remember that they are a couple - not roommates or business partners or a parenting team - but a couple.

If you've lost that connection, just having sex probably isn't going to restore it. You may need to address the relationship problems that eroded it. It is possible to get back 'that lovin' feeling'. If you're at a loss as how to begin, it's probably time to enlist the help of a therapist. It's a worthwhile investment.

Apologizing - Part 2

If you're one of those people who just can't seem to utter the simplest of apologies to your partner, you might want to take a closer look at what makes it so difficult.

How strong is your need to be 'right'? Maybe you're a perfectionist and being wrong just isn't acceptable. So you deflect blame, rationalize and justify your behavior, and make yourself into the victim when your partner is upset with you. As long as you can maintain the victim position(e.g. "She knew I'd had a bad day - she should never have asked for my help when she knew how tired I was - she's just too sensitive - everybody yells sometimes."), there's really no need to apologize.

Another closely related barrier to apologies is the difficulty with taking a one-down position. Going one-down can feel very vulnerable. It's giving up power - and for those couples who stay locked into power struggles, relinquishing any power doesn't feel safe. There's a fear of the partner exploiting any vulnerability and using it to their advantage.

If either of these dynamics is operating in your relationship, you might want to consider some individual and/or couple counseling. Freeing yourself from these barriers to intimacy can do wonders in improving your sexual relationship.

Apologizing

How easily do the words "I'm sorry" come out of your mouth? How often does your partner apologize when there's been hurt feelings or a misunderstanding? Most couples could benefit from a course in taking ownership, admitting mistakes, and offering apologies to one another.

Unless it's a major betrayal or a frequently repeated behavior, an apology makes it fairly easy to forgive the small disappointments and abrupt responses and hurtful remarks you experience from your partner. Without an apology, those little offenses are often stored up and turn into significant grievances and resentment. At the very least, they can ruin a perfectly good evening.
And, of course, forget about sex until things have blown over.

You might want to look in the mirror and practice saying: "I was wrong." and "I'm sorry." Those two simple phrases are incredibly powerful in promoting connection and keeping resentment from building in a relationship

Sex Battles

I've posted several times on how to address differences in desire in a relationship. Unfortunately, it's a rare week when I'm not working to help a couple move beyond the battles that have come to taint their sexual relationship. What can be a unifying force in a couple's relationship just as often divides and distances. One partner is accused of constant sexual pressure while the other is characterized as disinterested and rejecting.

If that dynamic sounds all too familiar to you, I would highly recommend a book by Michele Wiener-Davis, The Sex-Starved Marriage. The book does an excellent job of getting inside the hearts and minds of partners on both sides of the desire equation. Reading the section that describes your side of things, you start to feel like somebody really understands. And you feel less alone. Reading about your partner's perspective is often eye-opening.

The first step in negotiating a sexual truce is to stop getting polarized around the issue. You and your partner come from different places regarding sex, but you're not enemies. You can bridge the divide when you approach each other with understanding rather than with accusations.

Mama Mia

You may not be a fan of musicals, and you may look down your nose at the music of Abba, but if you want to see something fun and sexy, you should really take the time to see Mama Mia. There's no nudity and no lovemaking, but the high energy, exuberance, and sexy dance moves all add up to a movie that may help you remember what sexuality is all about.

The leading roles in the movie are played by seasoned (older) actors, and though Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan are certainly hot commodities, a number of the actors don't fit the stereotype of what is considered 'sexy' in our culture. But nonetheless, when they start putting the moves on, they ooze sexy.

I left the movie planning how I was going to start incorporating that kind of dancing into my exercise routine. Any exercise is a boost to your sexuality, but moving your hips and pelvis to a powerful beat does a little more to activate your inner vixen than a walk around the neighborhood. You may want to give it a try.

Male/Female Roles - Part 2

So if women are trained to subordinate their needs, what are men trained to do? Men learn early on that their needs are important, so they pay attention to them. They eat when they're hungry, rest when they're tired, seek out the most comfortable chair in the room, play a round of golf or watch a football game even if the to-do list hasn't been touched, and then act totally amazed when their worn-out partners are seething with resentment.

Sound sexist? Unfortunately, we still live in a sexist world. Stereotypes, of course, are gross generalizations that don't allow for individual differences and human complexity. But I hear these sex role stereotypes play out in my office every day in my work with couples. Personally, I think women would be a lot better off if they took a cue from men and started taking their own needs more seriously. And men would have much happier partners - and a better sex life - if they took a cue from women and toned down their egocentrism just a notch.

Somewhere in the middle there's a balance between caring for yourself and caring for your partner. Without that balance, sex often falls victim to power struggles and resentment. So if you want to improve your sex life, you might want to start with increasing the gender equity in your relationship.

Male/Female Roles

So why do women so often relinquish control of the remote to their partner? You could say it's because the man is the one more invested in the TV, but I too frequently hear complaints from women about sitting through constant channel surfing or their partner changing the channel just when something has caught their interest to believe that women simply don't care.

Women have been conditioned since birth to put others' needs before their own. That serves a useful purpose during childrearing, but it's a recipe for trouble in relationships. Making your partner's needs more important than your own usually leads to resentment down the road even if it doesn't feel like a big deal in the moment.

Women may also be motivated to accomodate and defer their own needs in order to avoid conflict. Many women are intimidated by men's anger even when it is not explosive or abusive.
They just don't want to 'rock the boat'.

And what role do men play in this dynamic? I'll explore that on Monday.