Happy Holidays!

I'm following the advice I often give to others and taking a much-needed vacation with my husband between Christmas and New Year's. While soaking up some warmth in Puerto Rico, we'll have the chance to recharge, reconnect, and refocus on each other. There's nothing like long, lazy days by the ocean for putting you in the mood for love. My husband will be glad that I'll have time for more than just writing about sex.

My laptop is staying at home, so I'll return to posting on Jan. 2nd. I wish all of you a wonderful holiday season and many blessings in the new year. Be sure to put sex on your list of resolutions for 2008!

Beaten Down

We often assume that a man with low desire has a physical problem or is suffering the side effects of some medication. But low sex drive in men often has little to do with biology or pharmaceuticals. Many men are just plain pissed off at their partners.

I frequently hear men complain about the criticism they get at home. I usually hear some variation of "It seems like I can't do anything right" or "I don't think I could ever do enough to make her happy". Now their partners probably feel very justified in raising hell with them, but that doesn't change the fact that men end up feeling beaten up and beaten down. They often feel unappreciated for what they do contribute. Distance and resentment begin to creep into the relationship.

I'm not suggesting that women should stay silent when they have a need that is going unmet. What I am suggesting is that women recognize the negative impact of criticism on their partners. Turning complaints into requests and acknowledging a partner's efforts are techniques that work. Remember, a man who's beaten down just might have trouble getting it up!

Going Along With It

I often hear men complain about a partner who 'allows' sex but doesn't really get into it. One man said, "I swear, I think she's composing a grocery list in her head when we're having sex. I guess I should be happy that she doesn't turn me down, but I'd be just as happy getting myself off. It feels about the same."

Women with low desire may feel like they've met their obligation to their partner if they're agreeable to sex when he wants it. But there's little joy in sex that doesn't involve mutual giving and receiving. It's not enough to 'go along' with it. That doesn't mean that you have to be equally interested at the outset or even equally invested in reaching peak sexual enjoyment at any point. What it does mean is that you're engaged with your partner and are present in the moment. That's a gift you give not only to your partner but to yourself.

Online Sex Games

Online sex is no longer limited to photos, movies, and chat rooms. Now there are sexually oriented games that can be downloaded onto your computer. One of these games allows users to play around with a 3-D version of a porn star, including disrobing her and posing her in various sexual activities.

Even more bizarre is an online world called Second Life. The software is free and allows players to create their own persona for interacting with one or more of the 40,000 people who are hanging out in Second Life at any given point in time. Anyone interested in some action can visit a sex club or hook up with a virtual prostitute. By pushing buttons and clicking on different icons, you can do everything from chatting to simulating intercourse.

Whatever it is that people get from this pretend sexual interaction, they get it risk-free. It's the ultimate in anonymous hookups. The popularity of these games may say something about our difficulty with face-to-face, emotionally charged sex. Bottomline, game-playing is lousy training for becoming a full sexual being.

Sexism - Alive and Well

Not that it surprises me, but I can't help cringing when reading Rush Limbaugh's incredibly sexist remarks about Hillary Clinton. Reacting to an unflattering picture taken of Hillary on the campaign trail, he asked the question, "Will this country want to actually watch a woman get older before their eyes on a daily basis?" He goes on to say that men look more accomplished and distinguished as they age whereas women - well, you know what aging does to women.

This is not a post about Hillary Clinton. It's about a culture obsessed with youth and looks, especially when it comes to women. Women are critically appraised on their appearance to a much greater degree than men. Women internalize that standard for measuring their worth and value and often conclude that they don't measure up. Even those women who do measure up may be only a few years away - or a mastectomy away - from losing their ticket to acceptance.

Until women refuse to be defined by their appearance and stop defining themselves by their appearance, they will lack power and equality. And they will continue to be the objects rather than the subjects of their sex lives.

Sex Pangs

We frequently hear from nutritionists and health experts that breakfast is one of the most important meals of the day. Still, a hearty breakfast seems to be the exception rather than the rule for most. What I usually hear is that there isn't time in the morning to eat more than a breakfast bar or a banana. I also hear people say that they just aren't hungry in the morning. That's a curious thing since the stomach is empty after a night of fasting. What's going on with that?

If you're not hungry in the morning, it's because you're stomach has given up on sending out hunger signals that have been consistently ignored. If you begin eating breakfast on a regular basis, you'll notice the return of morning hunger pangs.

It works the same way with sex. If you go long periods of time without sex, the body's sexual signals shut down. Resuming sexual activity brings desire back to life. Keep the action going regularly and you may actually start to miss it when it's not happening. You may begin experiencing 'sex pangs'. It's another way of saying that desire often follows action rather than precedes it.

Sexual Self-Esteem

I've talked a lot about sexuality and healthy self-esteem. But sometimes a person who is confident in most other areas of their life still suffers from poor sexual self-image. Maybe they never developed much sexual self-esteem or maybe it took a major hit when a partner had an affair or a partner lost sexual interest. Divorce, aging, and weight gain can also be factors in losing sexual confidence.

Building - or rebuilding - sexual self-esteem involves challenging the negative beliefs about yourself as a sexual person. If you tell yourself that you are not desirable or sexy, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Find examples of real people who are sexy despite having a few years and a few extra pounds more than the stereotypical 'sexy' person. Understand that a partner's affair or loss of sexual interest is more a statement about them than a reflection on you. Don't allow others to define you as a sexual being. Sexy is not about how you look - it's about how you think and feel. Losing your inner critic may be a lot more important than losing 20 pounds.

The Blame Game

If you and your partner have experienced any difficulties in your sexual relationship, there's a good chance that blame has reared its ugly head. Blaming is a barrier to intimacy. Safety is paramount in creating an intimate connection, and it's unlikely that either of you are going to feel very safe if you've been verbally attacked by the other.

Though blame is destructive no matter where or when it occurs in a relationship, it's particularly damaging in the sexual realm. We are very vulnerable when it comes to our sexuality, and attacks are incredibly wounding. Even when the attacks seem to be simple observations, such as "you're never interested in sex anymore" or "sex is all you think about", there is a high potential for hurt.

Solutions to sexual problems start with listening and understanding. There's no way to win the blame game.

Enchanted

OK, I know "Enchanted" is just a movie, and a fairy tale to boot, but when is Disney going to start featuring real mens' and womens' bodies in their animation? I hadn't been to an animated movie in quite a while, and I guess I thought maybe things would have changed a little since the early days of Cinderella and her Prince. The bodies of real live actors put enough pressure on us, but these animated males are mostly shoulders and the females have breasts but virtually no waists at all!

These are the images that we were raised on, our children were raised on, and now apparently our grandchildren are being raised on. These body types get seared in our brain. Is it any surprise that so few people are happy with their bodies? Body acceptance is critical to a healthy sex life. It's unfortunate that the visual media continues to perpetuate unrealistic body images that make that task more difficult.

The Value of Sameness

We live in a culture that worships youth. We value new over old and difference over sameness. These values are so deeply ingrained that we forget that they aren't truth. But there are many cultures in which old age and antiquity are revered, and anything that is new or different is viewed with suspicion.

It's no wonder Americans struggle to create long-lasting, loving relationships. If we can't learn to appreciate the predictability and comfort of being with the same partner over many years, we will continually yearn for something more or something unknown. Developing true intimacy takes time - sometimes a lifetime. Deep intimacy creates a sexual richness that can't be matched by something new and different. It's worth waiting for.

Tradeoff Sex

I once heard a woman say that if she wanted her husband to paint a room or do some repair around the house, she knew exactly how to get him in the right frame of mind. She'd initiate a sizzling sexual encounter the night before and then hit him with her requests the next morning. Maybe he never got the connection - or maybe he did, but thought it was a good tradeoff. Either way, it still represents a kind of prostitution.

When sex is used as a negotiation or a bargaining tool, the loving and open context of giving and receiving is destroyed. Sex becomes a mechanical performance rather than an intimate exchange. Unfortunately, hidden agendas and tradeoffs not only sabotage a couple's sex life - they also compromise the intimacy of the entire relationship. That just can't be a good trade.

'Should' vs. 'Want'

If you're in a relationship but don't experience much spontaneous desire, there's probably a 'should' rattling around somewhere in your head - or maybe several 'shoulds'. "I should make sex a higher priority." "I should just go along when my partner wants it." "I should have more of an interest in sex." I frequently tell my clients to stop shoulding on themselves!

What's the problem with shoulds? The problem is that 'should' invites rebellion. 'Should' comes from the parental part of us and is often sabotaged by our inner child. A much more effective approach is to dig deeper and find the 'want' to change certain behaviors. "I want a closer relationship with my partner." "I want to tap into my sexual energy." "I want to enjoy touching and being touched." Just changing the wording may seem like a small thing, but it's a big leap from should to want.

Sex for Wellness

Yesterday I posted about the role of pain in sexual functioning. What about the times when you're tired or just don't feel good? Can you really expect to enjoy sex when you're not feeling that great?


A better question might be, "How can you expect to feel good and be energetic if you don't have sex? Tuning into your sexual energy, touching and being touched, feeling whole - these are all things that help you feel better. Ever take a walk when you got home from work when all you really wanted to do was crash on the couch? You probably felt more alert and energized after the walk than you did beforehand. Sex, like exercise, can be a great tonic for general malaise. It's at least worth a try.

Pain Management and Sex

On a call-in radio program this morning, I was asked whether pain could affect a man's ability to maintain an erection. It's a good question because it goes right to the heart of sexual functioning. For the sexual equipment to work properly and for men and women to be orgasmic, there needs to be focus and presence in the moment. Pain interferes with both.

Pain is a powerful distraction because it is compelling. It grabs your attention and interrupts both the mental and physical responses involved in being sexual. So how do you continue to be sexually active when you're dealing with pain that is chronic?

It's important to become less focused on performance and less invested in specific sexual outcomes when you're experiencing pain. Intercourse is only one of many ways to be sexual. The good news is that research indicates that sex can actually offer some pain relief! The relaxation response, the action of certain neurotransmitters, and the release of oxytocin all act to block some pain receptors. Bottomline, sex could be just what the doctor should order!

Searching for Sex

My mom was incredible at spotting four-leaf clovers while going about her normal outside activities. Not searching down on her hands and knees in the grass - just, "Oh, there's a four-leaf clover", during a casual stroll around the block. Her ability to zone in on that small green structure amidst a whole patch of green always amazed me. Now I know it was because she had a strong searching image of that clover.

A searching image narrows your focus and selectively screens out whatever isn't relevant. Someone forwarded me an email recently with a short video attached of two teams playing basketball. The idea is to watch the video and count how many times the team in white uniforms passes the ball. After completing that task, you're asked if you saw the gorilla that walked onto the court during the video. The majority of people who perform the counting task never see the gorilla. The counting task is the searching image, and it effectively keeps you from seeing other things happening on the court.

What does all this have to do with sex? Without a searching image for sex, you'll likely fail to notice the internal and external cues that help maintain sexual interest. If you're moving through your days counting passes and missing the sex gorilla, you may need to create a new searching image.

Sexy and Sixty

Did you see the article on Oscar winner, Helen Mirren, in today's USA Weekend? She's often described as "sexy and sixty" and it's not hard to understand why. Despite her regal and stoic performance as Queen Elizabeth in The Queen, in real life she projects playfulness and a zest for living. In a new action movie with Nicolas Cage, Helen had to dangle 100 feet in the air during one of the scenes. Her reaction? "I've wanted to do it all my life."

Her sexiness is not the typical Hollywood sexy. Friends describe her as funny, honest, real, unpretentious, and unconcerned about her sex appeal. Which is exactly why she's so appealing.

The Joy of Imperfection

I received an email from a woman who has been married for 40 years. She said that she and her husband had a great sex life for the first 39 years (!) but that it started falling apart a year ago. It began with some failed erections. That wasn't a big deal to her but was a big deal for her husband. Things got a little better when he started taking Cialis, but he eventually discontinued it. She described their current sex life as quick, mechanical, and unsatisfying. Her husband no longer worries about pleasing her because all of his focus is on getting himself off.

When their equipment no longer functions perfectly, men may become consumed with 'making' it work during sexual encounters. That consuming effort not only inhibits the functioning they're trying to improve, but also leaves their partner out in the cold. What's important to women is not a totally reliable sex machine, but a loving partner who is giving and is emotionally present.

It's a huge relief when people can give themselves permission to be joyfully imperfect in their sexual functioning. The imperfection can lead to a whole new realm of sexual discovery.

The Morning After

I've been posting this month on the impact of the holidays on couple relationships. Now what do you think happens when you throw a heaping dose of alcohol into the mix of added responsibilities, financial strain, and sleep deficits of the holiday season? It's a recipe for couple trouble.

For lots of folks, the consumption of alcohol increases dramatically from now until New Year's. Drinking is often a focal point of parties and home entertaining. When one or two drinks becomes four or five, inhibitions fall away and boundaries are more easily crossed. Most peope have witnessed or heard stories of drunken flirtations during office Christmas parties - followed by morning-after regrets. Couples sometimes fight all the way home from these kind of gatherings, and the fights that occur when a couple has been drinking can be particularly destructive.

A glass of wine or a tasty eggnog can be an enjoyable part of holiday celebrations. Just be sure that it doesn't get between you and your partner.

Money Troubles

Money is a major, year-round battleground for many couples, and holiday spending can further erode relationship good will. Even if you and your partner rarely fight about money, this season's buying frenzy can stir up even the most peaceful financial waters. Fighting over finances is a sure way to kill your sex life during the month of December.

It's often a real stretch for family budgets to cover all the extra holiday expenses. The resulting stress intensifies differences about how money should be spent. People are sentimental about Christmas, and they frequently want to replicate the Christmases of their childhoods or give their children the Christmas they never had. For one person, witnessing their teenager's excitement upon opening up an iphone is worth another big hit on the credit card. That person's partner may have very different ideas about indulging the teenager's wish for an item that will overburden the family with more debt.

If you and your partner are at odds about how to manage the financial side of the holidays,try listening to each other's feelings instead of defending your positions. You'll more easily reach compromises if you truly understand each other. Then you can stop fighting and find ways to enjoy each other during this special season.

Lost in Time

Everyone seems to have a time problem - time passing too quickly, never enough time, too much time spent at work and too little time spent with family and friends, etc. But you've probably had the experience of getting 'lost' in time, as well. When you're totally absorbed in something, you lose track of the passage of time. For a few wonderful minutes or hours, you become oblivious to the ticking of the clock and the relentless pressure of deadlines. You experience the flow of life.

Good sex produces that kind of flow. When you're fully present with your lover and focused on giving and receiving pleasure, time seems to stop. Your consciousness is altered and you're no longer the victim of time.

It's when you believe you don't have time for sex that you probably need sex the most. Think of it as an opportunity to slow down and cheat the clock.

Making Love

What if we expanded the meaning of 'making love' to include all the loving behaviors that partners might do for each other? Like rubbing tired shoulders, fixing a surprise breakfast of homemade maple pecan waffles, helping with the holiday decorations, scraping the ice off a windshield, planning an overnight getaway...

If people thought more about how to 'make love' to their partners outside of the sexual realm, there would probably be a lot more lovemaking of the traditional variety. When couples don't take each other for granted and are able to maintain a caring relationship, then sex flows naturally as a celebration of that caring connection. Love can be as much about making the bed as making love in the bed.

Playing Together

One of the ways to stay connected to your partner and nurture passion is to spend time together doing something you both enjoy. But what if you have totally different interests and your 'play' time is done individually? Tennis, golf, fishing, hunting, volleyball, softball - all of these are activities that one person may enjoy but a partner does not. Differences in leisure interests is more of a norm than an exception in couple relationships. The challenge is how to create a shared interest where none currently exists.

Not that you have to give up your individual interests. Time apart and time spent recharging your batteries certainly gives you more zest to bring back to the relationship. Individual fun is only a problem if it becomes too time-consuming and leaves little opportunity for couple fun.

Creating a shared interest may involve one of you giving your partner's interest a shot, but it probably works better if you come up with something totally new. You may have to get creative here but there are hundreds of choices available. Taking up ballroom dancing, learning to sail, joining a bridge club, setting up a saltwater fishtank, doing gourmet cooking classes - you get the idea. You're limited only by your imagination. You'll find that playing together creates both connection and passion in your relationship.

Saving Some Sex for the Holidays

The holidays are upon us. Does this season of good will leave you grumpy and irritable and more likely to jump down your partner's throat than to jump their bones? Welcome to the club!

Women, particularly, are prone to overload during the holidays and often experience resentment toward their partner over carrying a disproportionate burden of the added responsibilities. Women are more likely to be the ones writing cards, decorating, shopping, baking, wrapping, etc. The exhaustion factor combined with resentment when the tasks aren't evenly distributed add up to a deadly month for desire. Does it have to be this way?

Think about the changes you can make in your holiday season to reduce both your exhaustion and your resentment. Pare down, ask for more help from your partner, schedule some special couple time along with your holiday festivities. Consider how the gift of sex compares to the gifts neatly wrapped under the tree.

The 'Right' Time

Are you waiting for the 'right' time to make sex a bigger priority in your life? You know the mindset - when life gets a little bit less hectic and your relationship is on more solid ground and you've lost 20 pounds?

Just like picking a time to quit smoking or start a regular exercise routine, there's probably never going to be a time when life settles down and it suddenly becomes easy to do that hard thing you've been putting off. Granted, there may be times when it's easier than others, but if you're waiting for spontaneous motivation or an invitation from the universe, you're likely to be waiting forever.

The important accomplishments in your life - the things that have added real value to your quality of living - have usually been achieved through an exertion of will, hard work, and perseverence. Working to improve your sexual relationship is no different. There's no time like the present.