Passionate Couples

You might wonder how couples who have been together a long time can beat the boredom factor and keep their sex life passionate. There seem to be some factors which help keep passion alive.

First, each of the partners in the relationship needs to find ways to stay excited about life. People who are bored are usually borING - both in and out of the sack. Staying engaged with people and activities that are stimulating, challenging, and fun is an important way to hold onto passion.

Second, the couple needs shared time and shared interests to nurture their connection. Couples who enjoy each other's company, who laugh together, and who are able to work out differences rather than building resentment are the most likely candidates for holding onto a passionate sex life.

You might want to think about how you could be a more passionate individual as well as a more passionate partner.

For Women Only

Do you wait for your partner to initiate sex, then get you in the mood, and finally 'give' you an orgasm? If you're giving the responsibility for your sex life to your partner, you're giving up a lot of power.

Try taking ownership of your sexuality. If you're usually passive, ask your partner to switch roles with you for the next two weeks and commit to being the one who decides when, where, and how the action goes down. Do exactly what you need to do to maximize your pleasure, whether that means starting the action with a slow dance, using a vibrator, being on top during intercourse, or extending foreplay. Ask your partner for what you need from him.

Taking charge in the sexual arena greatly increases your odds of having a satisfying sex life and takes an awful lot of pressure off your mate. It may just increase your desire, as well.

Why Bother? Part 3

One more plug for keeping on getting it on: Sex not only keeps you looking and feeling young, it may actually help you to live longer.

Several studies have established that sexual activity is significant in extending lifespan. One long-term study in Ireland of a thousand men between the ages of 45 and 59 found that after 10 years, the least sexually active men had a death rate that was twice as high as that of the most sexually active group even after controlling for many other differences. These Irish researchers also conducteda follow-up study in 2001 which found that men who had sex 3 or more times a week reduced their risk of having a heart attack or stroke in half. Pretty impressive medicine!

Why Bother? Part 2

In the last post, I talked about the relationship benefits of an active sex life, but there are individual benefits, as well.

Sexual activity reduces stress, improves immunity, and even provides relief from some types of pain. Believe it or not, sex also appears to help maintain a youthful appearance. In a study of 3500 men and women, subjects were viewed through a one-way mirror by a panel of judges who then guessed the age of each subject. Those whose ages were underestimated by 7-12 years were the most sexually active of all the subjects - reporting sexual activity at least 3 times a week.

Sex may not be exactly a fountain of youth, but it's certainly more fun than anti-ageing creams and facelifts!

Why Bother?

If you're someone who never feels any sexual urges or drive, why should you put effort into making sex a priority? Why not just give it a rest?


Let's start with your relationship. Sex is like relationship super glue. It's the one thing that makes your primary relationship different from all others. There's also a bonding chemical called oxytocin that's released when you're having sex (and when mothers are breast feeding) that builds trust and brings you closer to your partner. Let sex slip away from your relationship and emotional distance is usually not far behind. And if you're in a relationship with someone who DOES care about sex, I probably don't need to tell you that ignoring your partner's need is a surefire recipe for couple trouble.

Try giving a little extra attention to your sex life this week and take note of the fringe benefits to your relationship. You may be glad you bothered.

Love Potion #9

A lot of men feel tricked when the passionate, horny woman they fell in love with morphs into a barely lukewarm bedmate after the honeymoon is over. And a lot of women who once couldn't get enough of their man in the sack now wonder what happened to their lust. It's like it was sucked into the same black hole that swallows up socks during the drying cycle. What's up with that?

When a woman falls in love, her dopamine and testosterone levels go up. Under the influence of these chemicals, even a woman with normally low sexual desire will feel and act like a person with high sexual desire. Unfortunately, when the romantic phase of the relationship begins winding down, the chemical potion begins to wane - and female sexual interest can start falling off. That doesn't mean she is no longer in love, and it doesn't mean kissing sex goodbye. It just means that women who don't have a lot of spontaneous desire need to be more intentional about nurturing their sexuality and keeping sex a priority. It means mixing up your own love potions to keep the action going!

What is Sexy?

In a recent column, Ellen Goodman wrote, "We are...a culture that defines sexy as something seen rather than something felt." That's what makes it tough for those of us who aren't magazine cover material to feel sexy. But sexy is really about feeling confident, being passionate about life, and being able to fully inhabit our bodies - whatever shape or size. Sex connects us to our life force and creates energy and excitement.

If you want to enhance your 'sexiness quotient', work on moving more awareness into your body. Claim your maleness or femaleness and focus on your strengths. Quiet those voices that tell you you're not good enough. Find something to get excited about every day - even if it's just snagging a front parking spot at the grocery. Don't let a day go by without at least one good belly laugh. Feeling good about yourself and being energized about life may not land you on the cover of a magazine, but you will definitely be sexy!

Sexercise

The most important sex muscle for both sexes is the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle - part of the pelvic floor. When the PC muscle loses tone, genital arousal decreases and orgasms become weaker. So if you want to get that PC muscle in shape, it's time to start doing some Kegel exercises.

You can locate the PC muscle by stopping and starting the flow of urine. A Kegel squeeze simply involves contracting that muscle repeatedly and then letting go. Try 20-30 squeezes (about 1 per second) several times a day. Work up to two sets of 75 a day. A variation on the short squeezes is a contraction that lasts anywhere from 3 - 10 seconds followed by an equal period of relaxation. Again build up to two sets of 75 a day. You can also mix up the short and long squeezes in various sequences.

Sound like a lot of work? Really the hardest part is just getting in the habit. You can do Kegels while driving, standing in line at the grocery, or sitting at your desk. When you think about the payoff - increased blood flow to the pelvis, higher levels of arousal, increased genital sensitivity, and stronger orgasms - the effort is well worth it. Make sexercise your secret weapon in maintaining sexual vitality.

Dirty Talk

Is talking dirty during sex a turn-on for you? Does your passion spike when your partner's sweet nothings turn x-rated? Or does sexual slang lie outside your comfort zone?

Here's an exercise that can break down some barriers and open up new possibilities for hot sex talk - The Dirty Word Game. With your partner, write down all the slang terms you can think of for the following words: penis, vagina, vulva, breasts, testicles, clitoris, intercourse, fellatio, cunnilingus, ejaculation, and masturbation. When you've finished, talk about which words are 'hot' words for you and which ones leave you cold - and why. Let your partner know if there are words you're only comfortable using or hearing when you're in the heat of passion. You may want to get creative and come up with sex words of your own - like pet names for each other's genitals or your own terms for favorite positions or lovemaking activities.

Language is important. Find your sexual voice and you'll probably find more passion and desire.

Faking It

Are you one of the 85% of boomer women who has faked an orgasm? According to several surveys, that's the percentage who have faked an orgasm at least once. Alright, I'll give you a pass on once - I'll even give you a pass on several times (which hopefully were in the distant past). But if the restaurant scene from "When Harry Met Sally" is regularly enacted in your bedroom, you're cheating yourself and your partner.

There may be times when you just can't get into the sex enough to climax, but fake it so that your partner's feelings won't be hurt. Or if your partner's the type who just won't give up until you come, you fake it so that he'll quit trying. Understandable, but bottomline, dishonest. Do you really want the intimacy with your partner tainted by a lie? And if he's not doing what you need in order to reach orgasm, do you want to give positive reinforcement for poor performance?

An orgasm does not need to be the goal of every sexual encounter. Sometimes the touching and the closeness are enough. Sometimes you may simply want to give your partner pleasure but not be in a place to take your own. That's ok - and if you share that with your partner, you can leave the acting to those who get paid for it.

Dressing Up

No, I'm not talking about the french maid costume. But think about what you wore around the house last weekend - sweatpants and baggy t-shirt or your grubby gardening shorts and stained tank top? You dress up to go to work and then can't wait to shuck that garb the moment you walk in the front door. Weekends are often a break from shaving, makeup - maybe even showering or combing your hair! Our need to let down and be comfortable at home can mean that we save our best appearance for the outside world while our partner gets the dregs.

Now I'm not suggesting that ties or high heels become part of your lounging attire or that you tackle the yard in anything other than your usual shorts and tshirt - but investing in some comfortable and attractive sportswear for your leisure time can be an investment in your relationship. It's great that your partner loves you no matter what you look like, but your grubbiest look is unlikely to inspire the kind of lust that keeps a sexual relationship in high gear.
Putting in just a fraction of the effort that went into looking good when you were dating can have a big payoff in the passion department.

Adapting to Change

In an earlier post, I talked about the sexual changes that come with ageing. Those changes may mean that you need to do things a little differently in order to get the same results.

If you're a woman who has always taken for granted that your man would be ‘ready to go’ whenever you gave the signal, you may now find that he needs a little more stimulation to get things up and running. That doesn’t mean that you are any less desirable or that your man isn’t interested – it just means that the engine needs to be revved up a little more than in the past. Use the opportunity to extend foreplay – lavish him with touch and use a firm grip on his penis.

Women, too, need more foreplay than in the past. If you're a man whose partner could easily reach orgasm with 15-20 minutes of foreplay in earlier days, you may now find that same partner needing 30 minutes or more of stimulation. That doesn’t mean you've lost your touch – her body has just become a little slower to respond. She may also need the help of a lubricant such as Astroglide to help things along.

This is a great time in life to slow things down a bit between the sheets and enjoy the buildup as much as the finale. There’s a world of pleasure to be taken long before getting to the big “O”.

Kissing

Have you stopped kissing your partner? I mean really kissing - not the hello or goodbye peck that often passes for kissing in the comfortable stage of a relationship. If passionate, make- you-weak-in-the-knees kissing is only a dim memory from your early courtship, it's time to stage a revival. Real kisses are not only an easy path to seduction, but also make your partner feel important and desired. Not to mention what long, lingering kisses can do for your own libido.

So, brush your teeth, gargle a bit, and surprise your lover with some old-fashioned necking. Start slowly - you don't have to drive your tongue down your lover's throat right away. A few soft kisses on the face, neck, and ears will help build anticipation. Then some gentle kisses on the lips, followed by a gradual increase in tongue action, followed by........... Use your imagination.

If You Don't Use It, You Lose It!

A decrease in drive and desire is the problem facing many boomers. They enjoy sex once they're into it, but often don't feel much motivation to GET into it. That's where strengthening your desire 'muscle' comes in. Just like any other muscle that wastes away from lack of use, desire seems to fade the longer you go without putting it into action.

We're also creatures of habit. We tend to do what we always do, so if you're only having sex once in a great while, it's easy to just let it slide. Like going to the gym - if you don't have a regular schedule of working out a set number of days a week, you probably don't get there very often.

You can increase your desire by making sex a habit. Once you're in a groove, you'll often find yourself missing sex when it doesn't happen - actually feeling some desire!

Quickies

Quickies have gotten a bad rap in some circles - viewed as selfish behavior geared toward male gratification. But quickies have their place in a couple's sexual repertoire. Sometimes a quickie is satisfying to both parties - and when time is at a premium, urgency can lend some excitement to the act. (Think in the shower before work.) It can even be a kind of foreplay, whetting the appetite for more when time permits. Quickies can also be a gift given by the low desire person to their higher desire partner.

Hopefully you are making time for some leisurely sexual encounters which include plenty of time for foreplay. Just remember that passion is expressed in many forms - one of which just might include a quick sexual tryst when the urge hits.

Sex Appointments

Does the idea of scheduling time for sex seem crazy? OK, maybe not crazy, but forced and unromantic? You probably remember the days when sex was spontaneous and carefree, and you and your partner were so hot for each other that finding the time for sex was not much of a problem. But life happens and desire fades, and now there never seems to be a time when one of you is not too tired, too busy, or just plain not in the mood.

Making sex appointments with your partner is a way of saying that you both value the sexual part of your relationship and aren't willing to leave it to chance. Far from being unromantic, setting aside special time for sex gives you the opportunity to anticipate and build the mood so that it's more than the ordinary, same old sexual routine that may have lost its zing a long time ago. A steamy note left beside your partner's coffee cup in the morning, a sizzling phone call during the day, or a suggestive email promising an evening of erotic pleasures can go a long way toward keeping your scheduled time together hot AND romantic. You schedule everything else in your life - why not make an appointment with your partner today and let them know that sex is just as important to you as your 7:00 kick-boxing class.

The Top Ten

One way to ease into a conversation with your partner about individual turn-ons is for each of you to make a list of your top ten favorite sexual activities. Include the things that help you get into the mood, the kinds of foreplay you enjoy, how you like to have intercourse, and what you like to do after it's all over. Limit yourself to ten right now - you can always add to it later.

Writing down your all-time favorite sex moves does more than get a conversation started - it's an attention-grabber for your partner who will probably be less likely in the future to 'forget'what it is that gets you interested and keeps you coming back for more.

Just Do It!

I read an interview this week with a couple who put sex right up there with tooth brushing - something you squeeze in no matter how hectic life gets. Since both have very busy schedules, they were asked how they've managed to maintain an active sexual life. Their responses reflected a Nike type attitude: "You have to work, you have to travel, you have to have friends, you have to have sex. A well-rounded life involves those things."

That may be easier said than done, but it's true that we make time for the things we value. Are you one of those people who claim you don't have time for exercise? Maybe it's time to put more sex in your life and count that as your exercise. Just do it!

What's Wrong with a Thong?

I received an email from a man complaining that his wife refuses to wear the sexy lingerie he recently gave her as a gift. "She thinks she doesn't have the body for it and would look ridiculous. But I don't care if her body isn't perfect - I think she'd look really hot! I don't get it."

First, it's possible that the wife felt like her husband's 'gift' was more for his gratification than hers. Sexual gifts are great if you're in the market for them, but otherwise they can feel like pressure. A better option would be for the couple to go shopping for lingerie together - then his wife could pick out something that she'd actually be likely to wear. Maybe not a thong - but a thong stuck in the back of the drawer isn't doing anybody any good!

A word to women: Men are visual creatures, and it's a real turn-on for them to see you decked out in sexy attire. You don't need to have the body of one of the Victoria Secret models in order to light a fire in the bedroom. If thongs aren't your style, don't let that stop you from experimenting until you find something that brings out the siren in you. You may discover that your partner is not the only one who gets turned on.

What DOES Change?

People often want to know what sexual changes are a 'normal' part of getting older. There is a heckuva lot of variety out there, but there are some pretty predictable changes in your sexuality as you age.

Both men and women typically experience a gradual decrease in their sexual drive. Men usually experience fewer spontaneous erections and may need more sexual stimulation to achieve an erection. Erections may not be as firm as in younger days and there can be difficulty for some in maintaining an erection. Orgasm is sometimes delayed - which can actually have the benefit of helping some couples get more in synch.

Women, too, often need more foreplay to get turned on and to be able to reach orgasm. Post-menopausal women may have difficulty with lubrication (which can be easily managed with K-Y jelly).

None of these changes spell an end to your sex life - and with the right accomodations, you can have a rich sexual life well into old age (whatever that is!).

Racing Thoughts or Racy Thoughts?

Do thoughts of the presentation you’re giving at work tomorrow and the running list of errands before and after work keep you from getting into the mood tonight? Sometimes your hyperactive brain can shut down your ability to relax and keep you from focusing on the pleasure available in the moment. Turning down the volume on all those racing thoughts can be a challenge, but you can learn how to get more in charge of your puppy mind and use it to your advantage in the bedroom.

Try writing down your thoughts before going to bed. The thought process is often very circular so thoughts keep going around and around in your head. When you write, you use a part of the brain that is more linear so the thoughts quit spinning and you get more closure on them. Write down a to-do list for the next day so that you can stop the mental rehearsal.

After you’ve emptied your thoughts onto paper, use the freed up space to begin thinking sexy thoughts – fantasies, favorite sexual memories, hot scenes from movies, etc. If your mind returns to the anxiety of the day, practice letting it go and returning to the fantasy of the day. Focus on relaxation. Take some deep breaths. Don’t let your sexual desire be snuffed out by bullying anti-sex thoughts. Strengthen your sexual response by turning racing thoughts into racy thoughts.

"It's all about him..."

I recently received an email that echoed a complaint I've heard from more than a few women. It's about those men who tend to be selfish in their love-making. If you're a woman who feels like your sexual wants come in a distant second to your partner's wants, it's time to get more vocal. Are you asking for what you want? Your partner is probably putting his wants right out there on the table - it's up to you to make sure that you have a place at that table. Tell your partner how much you love it when he does ______. Let your partner know what treats you have in store for him after he's pleasured you in the way that you want. Let your partner know that you'll be a lot more interested in sex when it includes more of the things that you enjoy.
Don't settle for less than you deserve - your partner can't be selfish in the sack without your cooperation!

"I've got a headache..."

Maybe it's not how to initiate sex that's a problem for you, but how to turn it down - without making your partner feel like a toad. I'm going to assume that you have a legitimate reason for refusing your partner's advances. Sometimes you really do have a headache or you're too busy or too tired, but that can sound like yesterday's news to your partner who might be starting to feel like yesterday's news. Here are a couple of tips for those times when 'yes' just isn't an option for you:

1. Don't assume that all your partner cares about is sex. Sex is a whole lot more than scratching an itch - it's a way to connect, to feel close, to feel wanted and desired. If you write off your partner's interest in sex as nothing more than a biological urge, then you're likely to respond to their advances with sighs, anger, disgust, or sarcasm. If, instead, you see your partner's desire as a bid for connection, you're more likely to be gentle in your refusal.
2. When you turn your partner down, suggest another time that would work better for you. For example, "I've got to get this project finished for work, but I'd love to fool around this evening when I'm more relaxed" or "I'm just not awake yet - can we wait until after breakfast?"

Being gentle and offering an alternative time for sex respects the risk involved for your partner as well as your need for stress-free sex.