Maybe it's not how to initiate sex that's a problem for you, but how to turn it down - without making your partner feel like a toad. I'm going to assume that you have a legitimate reason for refusing your partner's advances. Sometimes you really do have a headache or you're too busy or too tired, but that can sound like yesterday's news to your partner who might be starting to feel like yesterday's news. Here are a couple of tips for those times when 'yes' just isn't an option for you:
1. Don't assume that all your partner cares about is sex. Sex is a whole lot more than scratching an itch - it's a way to connect, to feel close, to feel wanted and desired. If you write off your partner's interest in sex as nothing more than a biological urge, then you're likely to respond to their advances with sighs, anger, disgust, or sarcasm. If, instead, you see your partner's desire as a bid for connection, you're more likely to be gentle in your refusal.
2. When you turn your partner down, suggest another time that would work better for you. For example, "I've got to get this project finished for work, but I'd love to fool around this evening when I'm more relaxed" or "I'm just not awake yet - can we wait until after breakfast?"
Being gentle and offering an alternative time for sex respects the risk involved for your partner as well as your need for stress-free sex.
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