Happy Holidays!

I'm following the advice I often give to others and taking a much-needed vacation with my husband between Christmas and New Year's. While soaking up some warmth in Puerto Rico, we'll have the chance to recharge, reconnect, and refocus on each other. There's nothing like long, lazy days by the ocean for putting you in the mood for love. My husband will be glad that I'll have time for more than just writing about sex.

My laptop is staying at home, so I'll return to posting on Jan. 2nd. I wish all of you a wonderful holiday season and many blessings in the new year. Be sure to put sex on your list of resolutions for 2008!

Beaten Down

We often assume that a man with low desire has a physical problem or is suffering the side effects of some medication. But low sex drive in men often has little to do with biology or pharmaceuticals. Many men are just plain pissed off at their partners.

I frequently hear men complain about the criticism they get at home. I usually hear some variation of "It seems like I can't do anything right" or "I don't think I could ever do enough to make her happy". Now their partners probably feel very justified in raising hell with them, but that doesn't change the fact that men end up feeling beaten up and beaten down. They often feel unappreciated for what they do contribute. Distance and resentment begin to creep into the relationship.

I'm not suggesting that women should stay silent when they have a need that is going unmet. What I am suggesting is that women recognize the negative impact of criticism on their partners. Turning complaints into requests and acknowledging a partner's efforts are techniques that work. Remember, a man who's beaten down just might have trouble getting it up!

Going Along With It

I often hear men complain about a partner who 'allows' sex but doesn't really get into it. One man said, "I swear, I think she's composing a grocery list in her head when we're having sex. I guess I should be happy that she doesn't turn me down, but I'd be just as happy getting myself off. It feels about the same."

Women with low desire may feel like they've met their obligation to their partner if they're agreeable to sex when he wants it. But there's little joy in sex that doesn't involve mutual giving and receiving. It's not enough to 'go along' with it. That doesn't mean that you have to be equally interested at the outset or even equally invested in reaching peak sexual enjoyment at any point. What it does mean is that you're engaged with your partner and are present in the moment. That's a gift you give not only to your partner but to yourself.

Online Sex Games

Online sex is no longer limited to photos, movies, and chat rooms. Now there are sexually oriented games that can be downloaded onto your computer. One of these games allows users to play around with a 3-D version of a porn star, including disrobing her and posing her in various sexual activities.

Even more bizarre is an online world called Second Life. The software is free and allows players to create their own persona for interacting with one or more of the 40,000 people who are hanging out in Second Life at any given point in time. Anyone interested in some action can visit a sex club or hook up with a virtual prostitute. By pushing buttons and clicking on different icons, you can do everything from chatting to simulating intercourse.

Whatever it is that people get from this pretend sexual interaction, they get it risk-free. It's the ultimate in anonymous hookups. The popularity of these games may say something about our difficulty with face-to-face, emotionally charged sex. Bottomline, game-playing is lousy training for becoming a full sexual being.

Sexism - Alive and Well

Not that it surprises me, but I can't help cringing when reading Rush Limbaugh's incredibly sexist remarks about Hillary Clinton. Reacting to an unflattering picture taken of Hillary on the campaign trail, he asked the question, "Will this country want to actually watch a woman get older before their eyes on a daily basis?" He goes on to say that men look more accomplished and distinguished as they age whereas women - well, you know what aging does to women.

This is not a post about Hillary Clinton. It's about a culture obsessed with youth and looks, especially when it comes to women. Women are critically appraised on their appearance to a much greater degree than men. Women internalize that standard for measuring their worth and value and often conclude that they don't measure up. Even those women who do measure up may be only a few years away - or a mastectomy away - from losing their ticket to acceptance.

Until women refuse to be defined by their appearance and stop defining themselves by their appearance, they will lack power and equality. And they will continue to be the objects rather than the subjects of their sex lives.

Sex Pangs

We frequently hear from nutritionists and health experts that breakfast is one of the most important meals of the day. Still, a hearty breakfast seems to be the exception rather than the rule for most. What I usually hear is that there isn't time in the morning to eat more than a breakfast bar or a banana. I also hear people say that they just aren't hungry in the morning. That's a curious thing since the stomach is empty after a night of fasting. What's going on with that?

If you're not hungry in the morning, it's because you're stomach has given up on sending out hunger signals that have been consistently ignored. If you begin eating breakfast on a regular basis, you'll notice the return of morning hunger pangs.

It works the same way with sex. If you go long periods of time without sex, the body's sexual signals shut down. Resuming sexual activity brings desire back to life. Keep the action going regularly and you may actually start to miss it when it's not happening. You may begin experiencing 'sex pangs'. It's another way of saying that desire often follows action rather than precedes it.

Sexual Self-Esteem

I've talked a lot about sexuality and healthy self-esteem. But sometimes a person who is confident in most other areas of their life still suffers from poor sexual self-image. Maybe they never developed much sexual self-esteem or maybe it took a major hit when a partner had an affair or a partner lost sexual interest. Divorce, aging, and weight gain can also be factors in losing sexual confidence.

Building - or rebuilding - sexual self-esteem involves challenging the negative beliefs about yourself as a sexual person. If you tell yourself that you are not desirable or sexy, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Find examples of real people who are sexy despite having a few years and a few extra pounds more than the stereotypical 'sexy' person. Understand that a partner's affair or loss of sexual interest is more a statement about them than a reflection on you. Don't allow others to define you as a sexual being. Sexy is not about how you look - it's about how you think and feel. Losing your inner critic may be a lot more important than losing 20 pounds.

The Blame Game

If you and your partner have experienced any difficulties in your sexual relationship, there's a good chance that blame has reared its ugly head. Blaming is a barrier to intimacy. Safety is paramount in creating an intimate connection, and it's unlikely that either of you are going to feel very safe if you've been verbally attacked by the other.

Though blame is destructive no matter where or when it occurs in a relationship, it's particularly damaging in the sexual realm. We are very vulnerable when it comes to our sexuality, and attacks are incredibly wounding. Even when the attacks seem to be simple observations, such as "you're never interested in sex anymore" or "sex is all you think about", there is a high potential for hurt.

Solutions to sexual problems start with listening and understanding. There's no way to win the blame game.

Enchanted

OK, I know "Enchanted" is just a movie, and a fairy tale to boot, but when is Disney going to start featuring real mens' and womens' bodies in their animation? I hadn't been to an animated movie in quite a while, and I guess I thought maybe things would have changed a little since the early days of Cinderella and her Prince. The bodies of real live actors put enough pressure on us, but these animated males are mostly shoulders and the females have breasts but virtually no waists at all!

These are the images that we were raised on, our children were raised on, and now apparently our grandchildren are being raised on. These body types get seared in our brain. Is it any surprise that so few people are happy with their bodies? Body acceptance is critical to a healthy sex life. It's unfortunate that the visual media continues to perpetuate unrealistic body images that make that task more difficult.

The Value of Sameness

We live in a culture that worships youth. We value new over old and difference over sameness. These values are so deeply ingrained that we forget that they aren't truth. But there are many cultures in which old age and antiquity are revered, and anything that is new or different is viewed with suspicion.

It's no wonder Americans struggle to create long-lasting, loving relationships. If we can't learn to appreciate the predictability and comfort of being with the same partner over many years, we will continually yearn for something more or something unknown. Developing true intimacy takes time - sometimes a lifetime. Deep intimacy creates a sexual richness that can't be matched by something new and different. It's worth waiting for.

Tradeoff Sex

I once heard a woman say that if she wanted her husband to paint a room or do some repair around the house, she knew exactly how to get him in the right frame of mind. She'd initiate a sizzling sexual encounter the night before and then hit him with her requests the next morning. Maybe he never got the connection - or maybe he did, but thought it was a good tradeoff. Either way, it still represents a kind of prostitution.

When sex is used as a negotiation or a bargaining tool, the loving and open context of giving and receiving is destroyed. Sex becomes a mechanical performance rather than an intimate exchange. Unfortunately, hidden agendas and tradeoffs not only sabotage a couple's sex life - they also compromise the intimacy of the entire relationship. That just can't be a good trade.

'Should' vs. 'Want'

If you're in a relationship but don't experience much spontaneous desire, there's probably a 'should' rattling around somewhere in your head - or maybe several 'shoulds'. "I should make sex a higher priority." "I should just go along when my partner wants it." "I should have more of an interest in sex." I frequently tell my clients to stop shoulding on themselves!

What's the problem with shoulds? The problem is that 'should' invites rebellion. 'Should' comes from the parental part of us and is often sabotaged by our inner child. A much more effective approach is to dig deeper and find the 'want' to change certain behaviors. "I want a closer relationship with my partner." "I want to tap into my sexual energy." "I want to enjoy touching and being touched." Just changing the wording may seem like a small thing, but it's a big leap from should to want.

Sex for Wellness

Yesterday I posted about the role of pain in sexual functioning. What about the times when you're tired or just don't feel good? Can you really expect to enjoy sex when you're not feeling that great?


A better question might be, "How can you expect to feel good and be energetic if you don't have sex? Tuning into your sexual energy, touching and being touched, feeling whole - these are all things that help you feel better. Ever take a walk when you got home from work when all you really wanted to do was crash on the couch? You probably felt more alert and energized after the walk than you did beforehand. Sex, like exercise, can be a great tonic for general malaise. It's at least worth a try.

Pain Management and Sex

On a call-in radio program this morning, I was asked whether pain could affect a man's ability to maintain an erection. It's a good question because it goes right to the heart of sexual functioning. For the sexual equipment to work properly and for men and women to be orgasmic, there needs to be focus and presence in the moment. Pain interferes with both.

Pain is a powerful distraction because it is compelling. It grabs your attention and interrupts both the mental and physical responses involved in being sexual. So how do you continue to be sexually active when you're dealing with pain that is chronic?

It's important to become less focused on performance and less invested in specific sexual outcomes when you're experiencing pain. Intercourse is only one of many ways to be sexual. The good news is that research indicates that sex can actually offer some pain relief! The relaxation response, the action of certain neurotransmitters, and the release of oxytocin all act to block some pain receptors. Bottomline, sex could be just what the doctor should order!

Searching for Sex

My mom was incredible at spotting four-leaf clovers while going about her normal outside activities. Not searching down on her hands and knees in the grass - just, "Oh, there's a four-leaf clover", during a casual stroll around the block. Her ability to zone in on that small green structure amidst a whole patch of green always amazed me. Now I know it was because she had a strong searching image of that clover.

A searching image narrows your focus and selectively screens out whatever isn't relevant. Someone forwarded me an email recently with a short video attached of two teams playing basketball. The idea is to watch the video and count how many times the team in white uniforms passes the ball. After completing that task, you're asked if you saw the gorilla that walked onto the court during the video. The majority of people who perform the counting task never see the gorilla. The counting task is the searching image, and it effectively keeps you from seeing other things happening on the court.

What does all this have to do with sex? Without a searching image for sex, you'll likely fail to notice the internal and external cues that help maintain sexual interest. If you're moving through your days counting passes and missing the sex gorilla, you may need to create a new searching image.

Sexy and Sixty

Did you see the article on Oscar winner, Helen Mirren, in today's USA Weekend? She's often described as "sexy and sixty" and it's not hard to understand why. Despite her regal and stoic performance as Queen Elizabeth in The Queen, in real life she projects playfulness and a zest for living. In a new action movie with Nicolas Cage, Helen had to dangle 100 feet in the air during one of the scenes. Her reaction? "I've wanted to do it all my life."

Her sexiness is not the typical Hollywood sexy. Friends describe her as funny, honest, real, unpretentious, and unconcerned about her sex appeal. Which is exactly why she's so appealing.

The Joy of Imperfection

I received an email from a woman who has been married for 40 years. She said that she and her husband had a great sex life for the first 39 years (!) but that it started falling apart a year ago. It began with some failed erections. That wasn't a big deal to her but was a big deal for her husband. Things got a little better when he started taking Cialis, but he eventually discontinued it. She described their current sex life as quick, mechanical, and unsatisfying. Her husband no longer worries about pleasing her because all of his focus is on getting himself off.

When their equipment no longer functions perfectly, men may become consumed with 'making' it work during sexual encounters. That consuming effort not only inhibits the functioning they're trying to improve, but also leaves their partner out in the cold. What's important to women is not a totally reliable sex machine, but a loving partner who is giving and is emotionally present.

It's a huge relief when people can give themselves permission to be joyfully imperfect in their sexual functioning. The imperfection can lead to a whole new realm of sexual discovery.

The Morning After

I've been posting this month on the impact of the holidays on couple relationships. Now what do you think happens when you throw a heaping dose of alcohol into the mix of added responsibilities, financial strain, and sleep deficits of the holiday season? It's a recipe for couple trouble.

For lots of folks, the consumption of alcohol increases dramatically from now until New Year's. Drinking is often a focal point of parties and home entertaining. When one or two drinks becomes four or five, inhibitions fall away and boundaries are more easily crossed. Most peope have witnessed or heard stories of drunken flirtations during office Christmas parties - followed by morning-after regrets. Couples sometimes fight all the way home from these kind of gatherings, and the fights that occur when a couple has been drinking can be particularly destructive.

A glass of wine or a tasty eggnog can be an enjoyable part of holiday celebrations. Just be sure that it doesn't get between you and your partner.

Money Troubles

Money is a major, year-round battleground for many couples, and holiday spending can further erode relationship good will. Even if you and your partner rarely fight about money, this season's buying frenzy can stir up even the most peaceful financial waters. Fighting over finances is a sure way to kill your sex life during the month of December.

It's often a real stretch for family budgets to cover all the extra holiday expenses. The resulting stress intensifies differences about how money should be spent. People are sentimental about Christmas, and they frequently want to replicate the Christmases of their childhoods or give their children the Christmas they never had. For one person, witnessing their teenager's excitement upon opening up an iphone is worth another big hit on the credit card. That person's partner may have very different ideas about indulging the teenager's wish for an item that will overburden the family with more debt.

If you and your partner are at odds about how to manage the financial side of the holidays,try listening to each other's feelings instead of defending your positions. You'll more easily reach compromises if you truly understand each other. Then you can stop fighting and find ways to enjoy each other during this special season.

Lost in Time

Everyone seems to have a time problem - time passing too quickly, never enough time, too much time spent at work and too little time spent with family and friends, etc. But you've probably had the experience of getting 'lost' in time, as well. When you're totally absorbed in something, you lose track of the passage of time. For a few wonderful minutes or hours, you become oblivious to the ticking of the clock and the relentless pressure of deadlines. You experience the flow of life.

Good sex produces that kind of flow. When you're fully present with your lover and focused on giving and receiving pleasure, time seems to stop. Your consciousness is altered and you're no longer the victim of time.

It's when you believe you don't have time for sex that you probably need sex the most. Think of it as an opportunity to slow down and cheat the clock.

Making Love

What if we expanded the meaning of 'making love' to include all the loving behaviors that partners might do for each other? Like rubbing tired shoulders, fixing a surprise breakfast of homemade maple pecan waffles, helping with the holiday decorations, scraping the ice off a windshield, planning an overnight getaway...

If people thought more about how to 'make love' to their partners outside of the sexual realm, there would probably be a lot more lovemaking of the traditional variety. When couples don't take each other for granted and are able to maintain a caring relationship, then sex flows naturally as a celebration of that caring connection. Love can be as much about making the bed as making love in the bed.

Playing Together

One of the ways to stay connected to your partner and nurture passion is to spend time together doing something you both enjoy. But what if you have totally different interests and your 'play' time is done individually? Tennis, golf, fishing, hunting, volleyball, softball - all of these are activities that one person may enjoy but a partner does not. Differences in leisure interests is more of a norm than an exception in couple relationships. The challenge is how to create a shared interest where none currently exists.

Not that you have to give up your individual interests. Time apart and time spent recharging your batteries certainly gives you more zest to bring back to the relationship. Individual fun is only a problem if it becomes too time-consuming and leaves little opportunity for couple fun.

Creating a shared interest may involve one of you giving your partner's interest a shot, but it probably works better if you come up with something totally new. You may have to get creative here but there are hundreds of choices available. Taking up ballroom dancing, learning to sail, joining a bridge club, setting up a saltwater fishtank, doing gourmet cooking classes - you get the idea. You're limited only by your imagination. You'll find that playing together creates both connection and passion in your relationship.

Saving Some Sex for the Holidays

The holidays are upon us. Does this season of good will leave you grumpy and irritable and more likely to jump down your partner's throat than to jump their bones? Welcome to the club!

Women, particularly, are prone to overload during the holidays and often experience resentment toward their partner over carrying a disproportionate burden of the added responsibilities. Women are more likely to be the ones writing cards, decorating, shopping, baking, wrapping, etc. The exhaustion factor combined with resentment when the tasks aren't evenly distributed add up to a deadly month for desire. Does it have to be this way?

Think about the changes you can make in your holiday season to reduce both your exhaustion and your resentment. Pare down, ask for more help from your partner, schedule some special couple time along with your holiday festivities. Consider how the gift of sex compares to the gifts neatly wrapped under the tree.

The 'Right' Time

Are you waiting for the 'right' time to make sex a bigger priority in your life? You know the mindset - when life gets a little bit less hectic and your relationship is on more solid ground and you've lost 20 pounds?

Just like picking a time to quit smoking or start a regular exercise routine, there's probably never going to be a time when life settles down and it suddenly becomes easy to do that hard thing you've been putting off. Granted, there may be times when it's easier than others, but if you're waiting for spontaneous motivation or an invitation from the universe, you're likely to be waiting forever.

The important accomplishments in your life - the things that have added real value to your quality of living - have usually been achieved through an exertion of will, hard work, and perseverence. Working to improve your sexual relationship is no different. There's no time like the present.

Couple Confidential

Do you brag to your friends about the latest steamy encounter with your partner - or complain about what they're lacking in the sack? If so, you're compromising the safety needed for real intimacy. Even if you're never found out, the breech of trust affects the sexual relationship because you're sharing something that belongs just between the two of you.

Trust can also be breeched by sharing private thoughts and feelings that you know would upset your partner. If you are having conversations or email exchanges that you would be mortified for your partner to overhear or discover, you need to consider the potential damage of those privacy violations. Intimacy thrives in an atmosphere of openness and full disclosure - and suffers from secrecy.

The relationship with your partner is sacred ground. It deserves safeguarding and the utmost respect.

Protecting Privacy

I posted yesterday about the difficulty of juggling relationships and the need to save some of your 'best self' for your partner. Another challenge presented by outside relationships is knowing how much to share with others about your couple life.

You've probably listened to people complain at great length about their partner's failings or been subjected to intimate details of a friend's love life. What's ok to confide and what's a violation of the couple boundary?

As a general rule, I recommend refraining from criticism and complaints to others about your partner. It's obviously unfair to your partner, and you risk alienating him/her from the people you love. (You will most likely be quicker than others to forgive and forget your partner's crime of the week.)

There is an exception to this no-griping rule. Because many people get stuck in a negaive loop of 'poor me' thoughts when they encounter problems with their partner, I often ask couples to agree on two safe people - one for each of them to confide in. It's usually better for these people to be friends rather than family and it's absolutely necessary that they can be trusted to keep things confidential. It's ideal if they can maintain some degree of objectivity in helping you process the problems and consider generous interpretations of your partner's behavior.

Protecting each other's privacy is essential for your sexual relationship. I'll talk more tomorrow about the couple boundary.

Who Matters Most?

Managing all the relationships in your life requires great juggling skills. But the truth is that you need all those people (or most of them anyway!) to meet a multitude of emotional needs. It's unrealistic to expect your partner to be your sole source of encouragement, advice, validation, and love. Family and friends pitch in to provide a network of emotional support. Sometimes, however, your partner may feel in competition with these other relationships. Seem unreasonable?

Think about the kind of energy you bring to outside relationships compared to the energy invested in your partner. I often hear people complain about a lethargic, distant partner who suddenly comes to life when a friend calls on the phone. Listening to the obvious interest, empathy, and laughter being shared in this conversation, it's no wonder the partner begins to question who really matters most.

If you're presenting your best self to the outside world and collapsing into your worst self when you walk through your front door, your partnership is going to suffer. Don't let your partner get the dregs of your time and energy.

The Happy Factor

Ever think about how much your overall satisfaction - or dissatisfaction - with life affects your sexual desire? Even the daily fluctuations in your mood have an impact on your sex drive. Maybe you've experienced one of those surges of sexual energy after getting a major promotion at work or after winning the big softball tournament.

Worry, disappointment, grief, anger, and sadness often shut down interest in sex whereas excitement, joy, confidence, and serenity are likely to turn it on. Now that may seem pretty obvious, but people often fail to make the connection between what's going on in the rest of their lives and what's going on with them sexually. Sex is an integral part of the self. If you want to recharge your sexual battery, first figure out how to recharge your life. Getting happy may be the best possible cure for a lagging libido.

Talking Matters

What do you talk to your partner about? Probably jobs, kids, politics, family, the room that needs to be painted, etc. We talk about the things that matter to us. Interestingly, the talking itself makes those things figure more prominently in our consciousness. In other words, talking about issues reinforces their importance. You can probably guess where I'm headed with this.

When did you last talk to your partner about sex? When did you last tell your partner how much they mean to you? Interest in sex is fed and maintained by thinking and talking about sex. If you never have conversations about sexuality - yours, your partner's, or the next door neighbor's - sex is more likely to fall off your internal map.

Start noticing what you and your partner talk about. If sex talk is limited to, "Do you want to get lucky tonight?", try recalling and sharing some of your favorite sexual memories. That's with your partner. Even if it doesn't set off any sparks, it will probably be more fun than discussing the new plumbing you need for the bathroom.

The 'Right' Orgasm

When orgasm is the primary goal of lovemaking, the timing and quality of orgasms becomes way too important. Women worry about taking too long and men worry about coming too soon. A woman's multiple orgasms become a measure of her lover's skill. A man's ability to have multiple orgasms is viewed as proof of his virility (though more accurately a proof of his youth). Men and women can both feel like failures if their orgasms are not simultaneous. What is it that we're really trying to prove?

Because our sexuality is an area of great vulnerability, we all want to feel 'good enough'. One of the values of sex within an intimate relationship is that we can drop our need to impress and be truly present in the moment. But even within an intimate relationship, society's sexual indoctrination still takes its toll. When couples are able to talk to each other about their sex lives, they can take some pressure off the need for every sexual encounter to have a preordained ending. Then orgasms can be a delightful component of sex - or not.

The Obligatory Orgasm

In yesterday's post, I wrote about the pressure involved when a man feels responsible for satisfying his partner sexually. In addition to turning men into 'success objects', there are a few more problems with this orientation. One of them is that sexual satisfaction is usually equated with orgasm. The female orgasm becomes the goal, which then puts pressure on a woman to cooperate in reaching that goal whether it's important to her or not. Achieving an orgasm becomes her 'assignment'.

Our society's narrow interpretation of sexuality has created an over-focus on the genitals and made an orgasm the end-all, be-all of sexual encounters. This interpretation cheats us of a full body experience of sex and limits our enjoyment of the flow involved in making love. Orgasms are great, but when they become an obligation and the sole focus of lovemaking, both men and women suffer a reduction in their total sexual capacity.

Success Objects

Men often define themselves by what they do in the world and feel valued primarily for their accomplishments. This achievement orientation is evident in their sexual lives as well. The emphasis of their sexual behavior is on technique, timing, and lovemaking skill - all aimed at delivering an explosive orgasm for themselves and their partner. That's a lot of pressure.

Women may complain of men's sexual selfishness, but in reality, men may not be selfish enough. In their focus on performance, they miss out on the opportunity to just 'be' - to fully experience the flow of the sexual interaction. Sex can be one more project at which men must succeed. As long as men are 'success objects', they will miss out on the richness and intimacy available in sexual union.

Extramarital Sex

The statistics on extramarital sex are alarming. The figures vary, but most surveys report that somewhere around 70% of men and 40% of women have had sex with someone other than their spouse while married. These men and women often report being unhappy with the intimacy in their marriage. It's easy to see the appeal of wandering - an affair offers variety, excitement, and intensity. But does the newness and mystery of extramarital sex really trump the comfort and predictability of marital sex?

Our society has taught us to value excitement over comfort and romance over love, but the best sex of all grows out of the intimacy and safety that only a long-term, committed relationship can offer. Married sex can't compete with affair sex in the clothes-ripping, can't-keep-your-hands- off-each-other department, but it beats affair sex hands down when it comes to rich, intimate, soul-satisfying lovemaking.

Doing 'With'

In the last post, I wrote about arousal as a mutual responsibility. Just as your partner is not solely responsible for turning you on, neither is your partner responsible for 'getting you off'. Our sexual language is full of words and phrases that emphasize one individual acting upon another, as in doing things 'to' and 'for' your partner rather than 'with' them.

That may not seem like a big deal, but the words we use to describe sexual behavior have shaped our experience of sexuality. Women particularly are often portrayed as passive recipients of male sexual acts. Intercourse, itself, is generally described as something males do to females - with the focus on penetration rather than merging. We talk about 'making' someone come or 'giving' someone an orgasm which seems to suggest that the recipient had little to do with it.

The more you engage sexually 'with' your partner, the more satisfied you're both likely to be.

Self Arousal

No, I'm not talking about masturbation. I'm talking about sharing the responsibility for arousal in your relationship. If you're bored with your sex life, it may be that you're relying too heavily on stimulation from without rather than from within. You may believe that too much sameness or familiarity inevitably leads to boredom - which is the danger of not recognizing your potential for generating your own stimulation.

I sometimes hear from people who no longer feel 'turned on' by a partner who has gained weight. These are people who have made their partner the sole source of their sexual feelings. They fail to recognize their capacity for 'seeing' the whole person with more than their eyes. If getting turned on is dependent solely on a partner's appearance, then everyone's in trouble as age and gravity take their toll.

The real issue is whether your relationship turns you on - not whether someone or something turn you on. And the relationship is up to both of you.

Another Difference between Men and Women

I've written previously about stress and the importance of staying in charge of it. But did you know that stress affects men and women differently in the sexual arena?

A woman's desire for sex and physical touch shut down when she's under stress. Some research suggests that the cause of the shut-down is cortisol, the stress hormone. Cortisol blocks oxytocin's action in the female brain which in turn puts a damper on desire. Cortisol apparently doesn't impact a male's desire in the same way - or maybe the impact is overridden by greater levels of testosterone - because men often turn to sex as a stress reliever! Did we really need another mismatch in the way men and women operate sexually??

Information is power. Just knowing this different response to stress can help you and your partner better understand one another - and hopefully find some middle ground when you're both under stress.

Negotiating Differences

Once you've stopped taking your partner's sexual disinterest personally or stopped assuming that all your partner wants from you is sex, you can begin to figure out how both of you can get your needs met. Start by asking each other about the desired frequency of sex and then negotiate a compromise. The lower desire person is often surprised to learn that their partner doesn't actually want sex every day. (They may try everyday but that's because they may feel like it's the only way to get it once a week!)

After deciding on frequency, then talk about how you can make it happen. If you're the person with little interest, share what helps spark your desire. Talk about your preferred startup, favorite time of day, and other conditions that help you relax and get in the mood. Agree to work together to make sex a priority and to save some time and energy for each other.

When you're both working toward a common goal in your sexual relationship, you'll not only grow closer from the enhanced sexual intimacy but will experience less tension and conflict in your everyday interactions. It's worth the effort to make sex work for your relationship rather than against it.

Differences In Desire

One of the most common sexual problems presented by couples in therapy is differences in desire. It's a rare couple who are perfectly matched in the desire department, and the differences can be a major source of conflict. The higher desire partner experiences of lot of hurt and rejection when their overtures are rejected, and the lower desire partner often feels pressured and resentful. It's easy to see how the problem escalates and begins to affect the entire relationship. What's the answer?

First, you have to value the wants and needs of your partner. Make a sincere attempt to step inside your partner's head and understand what their desire or lack of desire is really about. If you're the higher desire partner, explain what you 'get' from making love and why it's important to you. If you're the lower desire partner, explain your difficulty with getting in the mood and what it's like to lack spontaneous desire. Talking without criticizing or attacking is the only path to problem-solving.

Tomorrow I'll post on how to do the problem-solving.

Not Just Boomers

The book I've written on how to hold onto desire and keep sex an important part of your life was originally targeted to boomers. It made sense. Boomers are getting older but wanting to grow old differently than their parents and grandparents. Many are struggling with low desire and a loss of interest in sex. But recently I decided to expand the target audience for my book to include adults of all ages who are wanting to keep their sex drive alive. I made that decision after hearing from a lot of people in their twenties, thirties, and early forties who are also feeling pretty disinterested in sex.

Low desire is clearly not limited to aging boomers. Society has defined sexuality in such a narrow and superficial way that it's been difficult for most adults to become healthy sexual beings. Young adults who are past the romantic phase of their relationship can find themselves in the same boat as the boomers - losing interest in sex and letting passion slip through their fingers. Those adults who are still interested in sex often have partners who aren't. So if you're under 45 and are suffering from low desire, just know that you have a lot of company.

Feel Good Science of Sex

Did you know that most of the brain shuts down during orgasm? That's got to be at least one of the reasons that it's such an intense experience - it takes you 'out of your head'. Then there's the release of oxytocin and vasopressin accompanying orgasm that increase the attachment and closeness to your partner. And, as if that's not enough, seminal fluid contains not only estrogen and testosterone but also dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine - a mix of feel-good chemicals.

Studies indicate that the more often a person has sex, the happier they are. Now maybe happier people are just inclined to have more sex rather than the other way around. But what if all the feel-good chemical and hormonal reactions that go on in your body when you have sex really do make you happier? It may be another reason to make sex a higher priority. And you might make your partner happier as well.

Time and Energy

When was the last time you had a whole day stretching out in front of you and absolutely nothing on your agenda? No work, no errands, no calls to make, no bills to pay - it's one of my favorite fantasies. But have you noticed how we tend to fill up whatever empty time we do have with more activities?

There was a time when I worked full-time and was a single parent of two small children. Now that my children are grown and gone, it seems like I should have plenty of free time. But I've filled those childcare hours with trips to the Y and gardening and writing a book, and it feels like I'm just as busy as ever. Not that being busy is a bad thing - I love the things I've added to my life. But sometimes - alright, a lot of times - I feel stressed and pushed for time and tired. If I don't allocate time and energy for my marriage, it can end up with just the leftovers. And that doesn't make for the greatest sex.

Think about how you fill the 24 hours you have each day. What time and energy do you reserve for your relationship?

Sexual Sanity

It's not easy to be sexually sane in a culture that is sexually crazy. Your sexuality has been contaminated by Hollywood, Madison Avenue, Playboy, Cosmo, religion, parents, peers, etc.
I've posted previously on the importance of challenging your sexual programming. But what is sexual sanity?

It's feeling comfortable with being male or female and feeling comfortable in your body. It's knowing the difference between Hollywood sexy and real people sexy. It's being free to talk about sex with your partner. It's nurturing sexual interest and placing a value on sex. It's bringing a whole self to sexual experiences. It's knowing the difference between lust and love.
That's just the beginning.

The sexual insanity in our culture is ongoing. Keep fighting back - and maybe one day your grandchildren or great-grandchildren will live in a world that nurtures and supports healthy sexuality.

After Bridging the Distance

If your partner holds up their end of the no-sex agreement and stops pressuring you for sex, you'll probably find it a lot easier to start closing the gap and increasing your affection. Take it in stages, gradually increasing the intimacy of your touch.

When you feel ready to become sexual, ask your partner for another time period (of your choosing) in which you'll be the only one to initiate sex. If your partner balks at this arrangement (thinking that you'll never get your engine started), give a gentle reminder that you're making a real effort to improve the sexual relationship and that eventually, both of you will be free to initiate intimacy.

Of course, you do need to actually take the initiative. Don't wait until you feel aroused. Act out of your desire for a closer relationship. Set the stage, set the pace, and ask for what you want and need. Taking the initiative may sound like a lot of effort, but directing the action can be a refreshing change from being directed. Just ask Clint Eastwood.

Restoring Affection

If you've withdrawn affection in order to avoid sex in your relationship, you can probably fit a football field into the emotional distance between you and your partner. So even if you've decided to work on decreasing that distance, you're probably not yet ready to jump back into steamy sex. You need to work up to it.

Tell your partner that you're willing to work on your sexual relationship but you first need to feel more connected. Ask for a no-sex agreement for a set period of time ( usually anywhere from 2 weeks to a month, depending on how far you've drifted apart). That means your partner doesn't push, pressure, or even attempt to initiate sex during that time. Your job during this pressure-free period is to be very intentional in restoring affectionate touch to the relationship. Whether you feel spontaneously affectionate or not. Hold hands, hug, give a neck massage or a foot rub, sit close together on the couch, kiss, etc.

Tomorrow I'll post on what happens next.

The Dance of Avoidance

If it's been a long time since you've been interested in sex, you've probably developed some patterns of avoidance. Not wanting to turn your partner down and face their disappointment or anger, it's a lot easier to make sure it doesn't get to that point. So you stay very busy - you make sure to go to bed either earlier or later than your partner - you pick fights or maintain an icy distance after being wronged - you sleep with a child or a 50 lb. dog between you - you stop being affectionate out of fear that your partner will interpret your affection as sexual interest.

That last one is a real killer of connection in a relationship. Sexual or not, touch is critical to maintaining closeness with your partner. And talk about feeling rejected and unloved - when hugs and kisses and snuggling disappear along with the sex, why wouldn't your partner feel unwanted?

Tomorrow I'll talk about a path back to connection.

James Spader

My apologies to those of you who aren't Boston Legal viewers, but tonight I've got James Spader on my mind. Someone asked me today if I thought James Spader was sexy. Since I'm a big fan of his and since I'm always interested in what people find sexy, I gave it some thought. I was a little surprised to find myself answering 'no'. He's a good actor, nice-looking, a powerhouse in the courtroom - so what's missing? I think it's laughter. I don't know that I've ever seen him with a teeth-baring smile, much less cracked up with laughter.

Maybe that's just me. Laughter wasn't mentioned in the survey of what men and women find sexy, and I'm sure there are those who are turned on by the silent, brooding type. But it seems to me that fun and playfulness and the ability to squeeze every bit of joy out of life are intimately connected to our sexuality. And how can you do all that without laughing?

Getting It 'Right'

I posted yesterday about a woman who was hurt by criticism about her skill as a lover. How do you rate your lovemaking skills? You may not hear much from your partner -which can leave you wondering if you're doing something 'right'. If that's the case, I'd certainly recommend that you start by asking your lover for specific feedback. There are also many resources available - videos as well as books - that provide excellent information on maximizing your partner's pleasure. Videos that provide intimate instruction are often aimed at couples and can be found online or in sex boutiques.

Of course, too much emphasis on getting it 'right' removes you from the direct experience of the moment. So do what you can to improve your confidence as a lover - then relax and enjoy the journey.

Sexual Critiques

I received an email recently from a woman who no longer felt comfortable engaging in oral sex with her partner because he had critiqued her 'performance' and tried to teach her the proper technique for performing fellatio. She was very hurt by his criticism and quickly concluded that she was a failure as a lover.

This critique was probably delivered at a lousy time (like in the middle of lovemaking) and may have sounded a lot more critical than instructional. Giving sexual feedback is tricky business, so timing and tone are very important. But this woman is making a big mistake if she holds onto the hurt and lets it contaminate the sexual relationship with her partner. She can let her partner know how she'd like to receive feedback in the future and challenge herself to be more receptive to learning how to please him. Everyone is different in their sexual responses and preferences. Being willing to listen to your partner's preferences - and express your own - is the best way to improve your love life.

Power and Sexiness

I recently read the results of a survey conducted with hundreds of men and women who were asked what traits they considered sexiest in the opposite sex. Though physical appearance was the initial attraction for most of those who responded, power was next on the list.

Most men said that the women they considered sexy were those that were self-confident, financially and emotionally independent, made decisions on their own, and were comfortable with confrontation. Sounds like powerful women, doesn't it?

Most women said that sexy men were those who took charge, were decisive, could not be controlled, were forceful in their opinions, possessed high self-esteem, and had the ability to emotionally connect. Again, pretty powerful men.

The connection is clear. If you want to be sexier, work on building your self-esteem, increasing your independence, and claiming more power.

Desire Vs. Arousal

Many people confuse desire with arousal - or assume they're one and the same. Arousal is the state of being physically turned on, which usually does create sexual desire. But you can also have desire without being turned on.

Think about the times when you've felt a desire to eat when you weren't really hungry. Maybe seeing a Red Lobster commercial featuring sizzling shrimp and lobster - or reading a recipe for a double chocolate molten cake - or maybe just feeling bored or anxious - lots of things can make you want to head for the refrigerator besides hunger. Just as the desire to eat can exist without the physical sensation of hunger, you can have a desire for sex without physical arousal.

Sexual desire can be a willingness or a want to have sex. Focusing on the thought that sex will be an enjoyable experience and a chance to connect to your partner can increase desire. You may want to limit how often you eat when you're not really hungry, but feel free to indulge sexual desire - with or without arousal.

Internet Porn Cont.'

Internet porn is the crack cocaine of the pornography world. It's always available, there's always something new and different to access, and it's possible to progress from still shots to videos to interactive chat lines and finally, to interactive videos. There's a smorgasborg of sexual behavior to choose from on the internet, including fetishes, sado-masochism, and endless kinky variations on straight sex. All of this novelty and variety is exciting - and is completely controlled by the user.

Internet sex is non-relational so there's nothing to distract users from a focus on their own satisfaction. No messy emotions, no one else to satisfy, no worries about performance - just pure, self-indulgent sexual gratification. Some would ask, "What's not to like?"

The answer to that question lies in the negative impact on relationships when internet porn becomes a substitute for intimacy. The answer also lies in the reinforcement of sex as a purely physical experience, devoid of emotion and spirit. Porn has the potential for dehumanizing sexuality. It should probably carry a warning: Proceed with caution.

Internet Porn

I often get questions about internet pornography - usually couched in concern or worry after someone discovers that their partner has been secretly getting it on with the computer.

Some people use internet pornography the same way they would use Penthouse or an erotic movie - to stimulate desire and fuel their fantasy life. But sometimes it becomes a primary sexual outlet. The woman who has hungered for her partner's touch and mourned the loss of their sexual relationship often feels betrayed, angry, and hurt when she learns that she's been replaced by internet sex. What is so appealing about internet pornography and why are so many people getting addicted to it? I'll post on this question tomorrow.

Love Nest

Before you go to bed tonight, take an inventory of your bedroom. Is there a treadmill you're using as a clothes rack? Piles of magazines you'll never have time to read? Bills that haven't yet been filed? A dresser covered with everything from receipts to luggage tags? If so, you're missing out on an opportunity to have a restful haven from the outside world as well as a relaxing and sensual environment for lovemaking.

Try clearing out the clutter and creating a place of serenity. Make sure the room is a pleasing color and has soft lighting available. Keep the bedroom a television and computer-free zone. Invest in the best quality sheets you can find and have plenty of soft, inviting pillows around. Keep lotions and tissues next to the bed as well as whatever sex toys you and your partner enjoy. Place scented candles around the room and have some music available.

Creating your own love nest increases the odds that you'll use it more often for making love.
Don't forget to lock the door.

When Direct Isn't Best

In several posts I've stressed the importance of being able to talk about sex openly and honestly with your partner. Too often people expect their partner to be mind-readers or just 'know' their specific likes and dislikes which can lead to unsatisfying and frustrating sexual encounters. But the role of non-verbal sexual communication is also valuable.

Part of creating more passion is learning to play with gestures, facial expressions, and body language. It is the art of flirtation and seduction. Couples make a big mistake when they stop flirting with each other when the courtship is over. Flirting makes your partner feel wanted, valued, and desired - and it probably does the same for you when it comes your way.

How do you indirectly express desire to your partner? If your seduction skills have become a bit rusty, try reviving them on your next date night. Gaze into your lover's eyes, let your hand barely graze her thigh, breathe softly into his ear during a slow dance - it's all coming back to you, right?

Politically Incorrect?

I've been a feminist for many years and have certainly encouraged women to take more ownership of their sexuality - including voicing their needs and wants, nurturing their sexual desire, and taking a more active role in sexual encounters. However, many women fantasize about being 'taken' sexually - or being 'taught' about sex by a more experienced partner - or being seduced by their lover. Some women enjoy acting out these fantasies with their partner. So are these women passive wimpy females who've yet to claim full equality with men?

Not at all. Intimate, sexual interaction often falls outside the realm of what is 'politically correct'. The safety of an intimate connection allows both men and women to experiment with different roles and different parts of themselves. The same woman who likes the role of the innocent virgin on one occasion may, at another time, relish putting her man in handcuffs. Men, who may be very 'take charge' people in the world of work, may sometimes enjoy adopting the role of a young teenager in the hands of a Mrs. Robinson.

So if both of you are comfortable in the sexual roles that you assume and the language that you use, leave political correctness outside the bedroom door and let yourselves be as "bad" as you want to be.

Angry or Interested?

Language shapes your experience of the world. Ever think about how your sexuality has been warped by the use of sexual language for insults, put-downs, and dismissals? It says a lot about the power of sex to wound as well as to heal.

How do you make sense out of "F_ _ k off!" and "Honey, do you want to f_ _ k?" Or describing something that's terribly wrong as "f_ _ked up"? And how do you separate all the angry expressions that refer in some way to oral sex (e.g. "c_ _ ksucker" "blow me"), from your partner's desire to include oral sex in your lovemaking? And why do we use the slang terms for our genitals to express contempt for someone? No wonder people are so conflicted about sex!

If you use sexual language to express anger, think about how that language affects not only you, but your partner, as well. You may want to consider expanding your anger vocabulary and reserving your sexual talk for your sex life.

Sharing Power

In yesterday's post I mentioned power as one possible payoff of low desire - i.e. using low desire as a means of controlling when sex takes place. It's a good example of the unhealthy maneuvering that goes on in relationships when there is an imbalance of power.

Sex can only be joyful and mutual when it takes place between equals - and that means both participants feel a sense of power in the relationship. It means that you each feel valued and respected by the other and that you each feel able to get your important needs met in the relationship. You each keep your voice and share in decision-making. When power is shared, differences in sexual desire are addressed directly and there is mutual acommodation.

Shared power eliminates a lot of manipulation, passive-aggressive behavior, and other forms of acting out. If you feel disempowered in your relationship, think about how you can begin to claim the power that is rightfully yours.

The Payoffs of Low Desire

If your desire has taken a hike, you probably don't view it as a gift. But strange as it may seem, there may be some benefits hidden in your low desire. If you're having trouble getting motivated to do anything about your low desire, there's a pretty good chance that you're getting something out of staying exactly where you are. Identifying the possible payoffs of staying stuck can help you get unstuck.

Low desire may protect you from being too vulnerable in your relationship. You may feel safer when there's limited intimacy. It can also be a step out of powerlessness by exercising some control over when sex occurs. It can be an opportunity to express anger toward your partner without direct confrontation. It can be a passive form of punishment.

Do you recognize yourself in any of the above scenarios? When you become aware of unconscious payoffs of maintaining low desire, you can choose what you want to do about them.

Affairs

If you're in a relationship in which your partner has had an affair, you may be struggling to put that betrayal behind you. The process of healing, forgiving, and rebuilding trust is very difficult and may require the help of a therapist.

Sometimes even when you feel like you've forgiven your partner, it can be hard to restore sexual intimacy. Just being sexual with your partner can bring up painful memories and cause a shut-down in your ability to be sexually responsive. You may replay movies in your head of scenes you imagine having taken place between your partner and the other person. Or maybe you still don't feel safe enough with your partner to completely let go and be in the moment.

If your sexual relationship is suffering from old wounds that haven't completely healed, it's important to talk to your partner about the problem. Ask for patience - and ask for anything else that might help you feel safer and more trusting. You may need to take a step back and proceed very gradually to restore sexual intimacy. Go back to therapy if needed - but take the time to truly heal. Stuffing your feelings or carrying a load of resentment could shut down your sexuality for years to come.

Skipping the Late Late Show

More research on the effects of insufficient sleep indicate that sleep deprivation is a much more serious problem than we've previously believed. A recent issue of Current Biology reported that it's more than learning, memory, and concentration that are impacted by a lack of sleep - there's also a huge increase in emotional reactivity due to a shutdown of the prefrontal lobes in the brain. That translates into distorted perceptions and exaggerated responses to negative experiences.

What that means is that shorting yourself on sleep creates more than sex-zapping fatigue. It means that you might be over-reacting to the little irritating things your partner does - which can also zap sexual interest.

Not getting enough sleep negatively impacts your body, your emotions, your mind, your relationships and your spirit. Remember that the next time you're tempted to tune into the Late Late Show.

Remembering Mint Chocolate Chip

In yesterday's post, I talked about planning a more special sexual adventure on a monthly
basis - something other than the comfortable, predictable sex that is probably more the norm in your relationship. The value of occasionally creating more intense and varied sexual experiences (even if it's less than once a month) goes beyond the pleasure derived from those sporadic encounters. Because our brains work by association, a fantastic sexual adventure infuses new energy into your sex life for months - or even years- to come.

Try introducing some creativity into your sex life - then revisit those memories whenever you need to stir up some passion. The excitement generated now by creative sexual experiences can pull you out of the sexual doldrums when creativity is in short supply.

Vanilla vs. Mint Chocolate Chip

Do you feel like a failure for not having exciting, television kind of sex? Or feel like the hum-drum sex you have with your partner means the zest is gone from your relationship? You may suffer from an unrealistic set of expectations when it comes to the quantity and quality of sex in your life.

If you're the lower desire person in your relationship, how much sex do you think it would take to satisfy your partner? Maybe you think it's every day, but have you asked? If you and your partner together can set a concrete goal in the sexual arena, then you both know what you're working toward. Let's say you decide on once a week for the frequency. Most of those sexual encounters will probably fall in the vanilla ice cream version of sex - comforting and soothing but not terribly exciting. Then maybe you set another goal of having mint chocolate chip kind of sex at least once a month where you aim for some variety and a more intense flavor. Who knows? You may discover you like mint chocolate chip so much that you want to have it a little more often!

Time Apart

I've talked a lot about the importance of nurturing the relationship with your partner - spending time together, recapturing a sense of fun and playfulness, and staying connected through conversation and physical affection. But it's also important for both you and your partner to have a life apart from one another.

When you each have your own interests and activities that fill you up, you're less likely to expect the relationship alone to make you happy. Time apart gives each of you something to bring back to the relationship and keeps life more interesting. Too much togetherness can lead to boredom and leave you wondering what to talk about.

So if you want to keep your passion primed, preserve your own identity and plan some separateness to fuel your togetherness.

Anticipation

One of the nice things about putting a sex date on your calendar is that you have time to anticipate it. A slow sexual build-up creates tension and excitement. You can enhance the build-up by making a suggestive phone call or sending a steamy email to your lover during the day. Indulge in fantasy in the hours leading up to your date and connect to your sexiest self.

Once you are with your lover, let the anticipation continue to build. Don't rush things - feel the excitement but remain patient. Back off and build up again, teasing and delaying until a delicious sense of urgency overtakes both of you. Anticipation allows us to entertain tension, relaxation, and playfulness all at the same time. If the familiarity in your relationship has led to boredom, it's time to put anticipation back into action.

In the Moment

Good sex depends on being 'in the moment'. That means that you're not thinking about a work deadline or planning what to have for dinner or wondering if you're partner has noticed the 5 pounds you've put on recently. It means focusing on and enjoying what's happening NOW rather than rushing to the finish line. It means being responsive to what your partner wants in this moment - tenderness? dominance? firm touch or light touch? fast action or long, lingering caresses? You can't assume that what drove your partner crazy with passion the last time will do the trick this time. The same moves, the same routine create sexual boredom and ignore the fact that each encounter is new and different because every moment is new and different.

Staying in the moment takes practice - but the payoff is sex that is constantly changing and evolving just as you are changing and evolving. There's no better way to keep sex new and exciting.

Sexual Wholeness - The Body

Since most people think of bodies when they think about sex, the physical dimension of sexual wholeness is probably the easiest to grasp. However, you may not have thought much about how physical self-care impacts your sex life.

Since you're probably not going to have a lot of interest in sex if you're tired, hungry, overweight, in pain, or out of shape, it only makes sense to get enough sleep, eat right, exercise, and practice preventive medicine. Of course, good self-care makes sense for a whole lot of reasons, but adding sexuality to the list may get you to the gym a little more often.

Along with taking care of your body, it's important to work on body acceptance and body awareness. If you walk around disconnected from your body and your senses, you're unlikely to experience sexual desire even if you're in great shape.

Lastly, make sure you're using your whole body when you're having sex as well as appreciating the body of your lover. Sexual wholeness takes sex far beyond the mixing up of isolated body parts and invites a more total body experience. What's not to like about that?

Sexual Wholeness - Relationships

In the post entitled "Relationship Tune-Up", I stressed the importance of keeping the relationship with your partner in good working order if you want to keep the sexual spark alive.

But what about all of your other relationships? What role do they play in your life? Certainly your partner can't meet all of your needs.

Hopefully you have a good network of support from friends and family. The quality of your relationships significantly impacts your stress level and your overall emotional well-being. You need people to shore you up in difficult times and celebrate with you during times of joy. However, you may have relationships that deplete you rather than fill you up. Think about the relationships in your life and what changes may be needed - whether that's adding or eliminating relationships, setting different limits, or asking for what you need. It can make a big difference in your life.

Sexual Wholeness - Emotions

Emotions contain important information for us. Anger lets us know that something is wrong or that we have a need that is going unmet. Sadness is usually a signal that we've lost something important to us. Fear helps us prepare for a threat to our safety, and joy is our cue to celebrate life's blessings. How much control do you feel over your emotions once they've delivered their message?

Our challenge with emotions is how to 'have' them without 'being' them. Our language encourages us to over-identify with our emotions - "I am depressed." "I am angry." But if we have depression or have anger, we also have a closetful of resources to bring to managing those feelings. To be emotionally healthy, we have to be in charge of our emotions and stop letting them run the show.

When we're emotionally unhealthy, our sex drive is going to take a major hit. So take some time to do an emotional audit on yourself and see if there is an emotion that is running your life.

Sexual Wholeness

When sexuality encompasses your whole self, sex becomes much more than mechanistic behavior driven by youthful hormones. Sex is integrated into your life and your sense of identity in a way that infuses passion into all that you do - and all that you are and do brings passion into your sex life. So what makes up the whole self?

There are 5 primary elements of self: mental, emotional, relational, physical, and spiritual. I've discussed the spiritual element in the last two posts, so I'll move on to the others - starting with the mental. How are you faring in the mental dimension? How do you keep yourself mentally stimulated and challenged? You may have a job that gives your brain a regular workout - maybe you work the daily crossword puzzle or word jumbles - or you may find that reading and discussing ideas with friends keeps your mind sharp. As you age, it's important to keep learning new things to keep your brain cells multiplying. Take up a new hobby, learn a foreign language, take an adult education class, enroll in a dance class, start doing yoga or tai chi - the possibilities are endless. And don't forget to include sexual fantasies and thoughts of your lover in your mental gymnastics!

Tomorrow I'll move on to the emotional element of self.

Sacred Sex - Part 2

In yesterday's post I talked about sex and spirituality. Bringing the spiritual dimension into your sexuality is part of creating sexual wholeness. We have plenty of examples of what can happen when people lack that wholeness - everything from sexual shame to sexual abuse. But when you are in touch with the sacred within you and within your partner, sex cannot be exploitive or hurtful. Sex becomes a truly mutual experience of giving and receiving and ceases to be appearance or performance-based.

Tomorrow I'll talk about the other dimensions of sexual wholeness.

Sacred Sex

I discovered a wonderful little book a few years ago which talks about the spiritual dimension of sexuality. Zen Sex, by Philip Sudo, explores the divine aspect of our capacity for feeling ecstasy and giving joy. For those of you who are still battling sexual guilt and shame from your religious indoctrination, sex may seem far removed from spirituality. But at its essence, sex is the origin of life.

"At its best, sex takes us back to the beginning, transcending mere fulfillment of our animal desires to reveal our inherent divinity as Creators; it becomes a spiritual endeavor, as profound as any religious rite..." Zen Sex challenges us to "put technique aside. Stop fretting over sexual frequency. Love your body. Frolic. Tease. Make love. All it takes to be a good zen lover is a giving heart, and the awareness of the life force coursing through our bodies."

Drugs for Desire - Part 2

Everyone is familiar with Viagra. Women often ask me, "Why isn't there a Viagra for women?"

Actually, Viagra only helps men with erectile dysfunction - it doesn't increase men's desire. So can it do anything at all for women? Some women have reported an improvement in their sex lives after taking Viagra, but that's probably because it increases blood flow to the genitals and increases vaginal lubrication - it doesn't actually increase desire. But if there's a greater enjoyment of sex, that in itself could increase desire. Caution: Do not pop a few of your partner's pills to see what they might do for you. It's essential that you talk to your doctor before taking any prescription medication.

Another option is the antidepressant, Wellbutrin, which is often prescribed to help counteract the sexual side effects of other antidepressants, especially the SSRI's. It has also helped energize the sex drive of non-depressed women who are not taking an SSRI. As with Viagra, you must first talk to your doctor about the advisability of using this prescription medication.

There are a few alternative remedies that have had mixed results. DHEA and ArginMax are sold over the counter in drug stores and health food stores. DHEA increases libido by raising hormone levels. ArginMax contains ginseng, ginkgo biloba, and some other ingredients and has been found to increase both sexual desire and satisfaction for many women. Though available over the counter, it would still be advisable to discuss the use of these supplements with a doctor.

Drugs for Desire

I'm often asked if there are any drugs to help women who have little or no sexual desire. Drug companies are doing a lot of experimentation, but right now there is no magic pill for creating sexual interest and enthusiasm. There are a few medical interventions, however, that might be worth considering.

Estrogen replacement therapy (ERT) is one option for post-menopausal women. ERT will probably not dramatically increase desire in most women, but it does decrease vaginal dryness which can make sex unpleasant. Because there is some concern about ERT increasing the risk of heart disease and cancer, this is an option that should be discussed carefully with a doctor. Another option is low-dose estrogen in tablet or cream form that is inserted directly into the vagina - or is released from an estrogen ring that is inserted into the upper part of the vagina and is replaced about every 3 months.

A low-dose testosterone patch for women developed by Procter & Gamble was rejected by the FDA, but some doctors do prescribe testosterone for women off-label. There is the possibility of testosterone causing masculinizing side effects and an increase in cholesterol, so again, it's not a perfect remedy. However, it's worked very well for some women. It's important to talk to your doctor to determine if this is a good option for you.

I'll cover some more remedies tomorrow.

Who Changes First?

I got an email the other day from a woman complaining that the only thing her husband ever initiates is sex. She longs for him to initiate a special night out or plan a weekend away or even ask her to take a walk - but despite her requests for those things, he has yet to come through.

Maybe her pleas just aren't registering - maybe he's being obstinate - or maybe he's waiting to get what he wants (sex) before giving her what she wants (special time together). Are you and your partner caught in a standoff - each waiting for the other to change first? If so, you're both going to be waiting forever. You risk making yourself vulnerable when you take the first step toward meeting your partner's needs, but you also take charge of creating change. Isn't that better than remaining passive and powerless?

Pick Your Times

Does your partner plead, pressure, or pout to get some action in the bedroom? Or maybe just tries to get something going at the worst possible times for you? If so, you've probably wished many times that your partner would put him/herself inside your head and understand how hard it is to get interested in sex when you're exhausted - or how hard it is to suddenly shift gears when you're plowing full steam ahead with your agenda.

But how good are you at getting inside your partner's head? Do you assume that your partner is just a sex fiend with only one thing on the brain? It could be that your partner is wanting closeness or reassurance. When met with a cold shoulder, your partner may feel rejected, undesirable, or unloved.

In addition to talking to your partner about the timing and conditions for sex that are best for you, try initiating sex when the timing and conditions are right for you. That will be a gift for the both of you.

Media Brainwashing

The media feeds us a steady diet of sexual imagery, innuendo, and illicit coupling, and sex is used to sell everything from cars to toothpaste. Meanwhile sex is being sold down the river. As Ellen Goodman says, "(we) are a culture that defines sexy as something seen rather than something felt".

What kind of sex is the media selling? Women are portrayed as sexual objects and men as sexual opportunists; sexy is thin (but voluptuous), beautiful, and young; sex is about 'doing' rather than 'being'; sex is casual, commitment-free, and devoid of intimacy; all the beautiful people are 'doing it' - often; talking about sex is unnecessary; forbidden sex is the best sex, etc., etc.

How have you been influenced by this indoctrination? How about your children? Begin paying attention to the sexual brainwashing in the media - and begin challenging the messages that keep you from claiming a full, healthy sexual life.

Getting In Charge of Stress - Part 3

You always have control of your response to any given situation. Changing your thoughts and beliefs about stressors in your life can have a significant effect on the amount of stress they generate. How does it work?

You identify the negative statements and stories that you tell yourself as you begin to feel stressed and replace that negative internal dialogue with a more positive, solution-oriented one. For example, what happens when you say to yourself, "I'm overwhelmed"? You feel further demoralized rather than empowered. What if you substituted, "I have a lot on my plate but I'll just take one thing at a time"? That sentence knocks your stress down a notch and gives you a plan for how to proceed. Changing your response to stress means you recognize your limits, stop catastrophizing, and decide to stay in the moment.

Quote for the day: "Everything changed the day he figured out there was exactly enough time
for the important things in his life." Brian Andreas

Getting In Charge of Stress - Part 2

After changing, delegating, and eliminating some of the stress producers in your life, there will still be leftover sources of stress which just can't be fixed. That's when you take charge by increasing your resistance to stress and changing your thoughts and beliefs about the stressor.

You increase your stress-tolerance by getting enough sleep at night, exercising several times a week, eating a healthy diet, taking regular time-outs for fun, remembering to breathe deeply, and laughing on a regular basis. Without good self-care, your body is ill-equipped to deal long term with the daily onslaught of stress.

You can also reduce the impact of stress if you have a good support network. Operating in isolation not only limits how much help is available for accomplishing the multitude of tasks facing you each day, it also limits your access to emotional support. Caring, validating people can make a huge difference when you're going through a particularly stressful time.

Tomorrow I'll talk about changing how you think about the stressors in your life.

Getting In Charge of Stress

The first step in managing stress is to figure out what you can eliminate, delegate, or change. Stress can make you feel powerless - as if you have no choices - but you probably have a lot more power than you think. What can you let go or hire out? Where do you need to ask for help? What changes can you make in everyday routines that might make life a little easier? I know one woman who de-stressed her mornings considerably just by deciding the night before what she was going to wear the next day and then getting up 15 minutes earlier to actually enjoy her cup of coffee instead of gulping it down in the car.

Take a close look at how you manage tasks as you move through the day and get creative in thinking about how you might do it differently. To be creative, you'll need to use fresh eyes: view things from the outside in as if you're an expert who's been called in to do an extreme make-over on your life. You may be surprised by your own expertise.

Sexless in Stressville

Many people are living stress-filled lives that leave little time or energy for smelling the roses - or getting turned on for a romp in the hay. A little stress is a good thing - it keeps life interesting - but too much stress turns into dis-stress. If you frequently complain about being 'stressed-out' and feel ready to wave the white flag on all the demands in your life, you're unlikely to be terribly interested in sex. Why would you be? You're running on empty and are lucky to have just enough energy to get you through the day. Your partner's not-so-subtle hints about wanting sex can feel like one more demand that you're supposed to meet. If that sounds like you, it's time to take a hard look at the stress in your life and how you're managing it.

Tomorrow I'll talk about effective stress management strategies.

Relationship Tune-Up

If the sex life with your partner has taken a nose-dive, you may want to take the pulse of your relationship before looking elsewhere for the source of the problem.

Do you and your partner enjoy spending time together? Do you talk to each other? (What time the plumber's coming doesn't count.) Is there an equitable division of household and childcare responsibilities? Are you able to approach differences and conflict with a win-win mindset? Do you laugh often together? Do you make an effort to keep some romance in your relationship?

If the answer to any of these questions is 'no', talk to your partner about what changes you each can make to improve the relationship. If you're unable to make needed changes on your own, don't be afraid to contact a therapist who can help walk you through it. A relationship tune-up may be just the thing to get the sexual pistons firing again.

Creating Feelings

As a marriage therapist, I frequently hear clients say, "I love my partner, but I'm not 'in love' anymore". I always ask the client what they would be doing differently if they were 'in love'. They often say things like, "I'd be more romantic - I'd plan special date nights - I'd come home earlier from work." I then suggest that they begin doing those things - to start acting the way they want to feel.

It is possible to act your way into feeling what you want to feel. It's a little more work, of course, since feelings drive a lot of behavior. When the feeling comes first, action flows easily and spontaneously. But do you really want to be at the mercy of your emotions?

Try taking charge and act your way into the sexual feelings you want to feel.

Manly Men

In addition to exploring touch that's not orgasm-focused and then tapping into intimacy, men can become more sexual beings by identifying what makes them feel really alive. As I've discussed previously, a passion for life feeds sexual passion so it pays to stay excited, curious, and open to wonder. Don't let your mind or body get lazy - keep learning every day and stay physically active. Make sure you're feeding your spirit, as well, by staying in touch with what gives your life a sense of purpose and meaning.

Think about how you define masculinity. Does being a man mean bringing home the bacon, fixing the leaky faucet, chugging a beer during Monday night football, performing in the bedroom? How about tenderness, sensitivity, and compassion? We are all victims of society's narrow definitions of what it means to be male or female. The more you expand your definition of what it means to be a man, the more you bring wholeness to your sexuality.

Sexual Doing vs. Sexual Being

As discussed in yesterday's post, women are not the only ones who've been shortchanged in their sexual learning. Men's sexual conditioning has basically reduced their sexuality to the functioning of their penis. So how can men make the move from sexually 'doing' to sexually 'being'?

First, men need to take some pressure off their penis and stop measuring their manhood by the frequency, quality, and reliability of their erections. Focusing on non-sexual touch is a good beginning, moving on gradually to sexual touch that doesn't end with intercourse. In the focus on the finish line, many men (and their partners) have given short shrift to their many non-genital erogenous zones.

Second, men can ramp up their attention to the intimacy and connection available in sexual contact. Being fully present with your partner changes the focus from outcome to process and brings the whole self into play.

Tune into tomorrow for more on men as sexual beings.

Men's Programming

I've been talking about women in the last several posts - how they can claim their sexuality, expand their definition of what it means to be sexual, and begin paying close attention to the times when they are in touch with their sexual energy. All of these things are difficult, not only because of ageing, but because women were not programmed to be full sexual beings. But how about men? Their programming was very different - so how come so many men are suffering from low sexual desire?


Men were programmed to be sexual opportunists - to get it whenever, whereever, and with whomever they can. As males come into adolescence, their sex drive commands a lot of their attention and their frequent erections are anything but subtle signs of sexual interest. But being sexually driven - and being given permission to be sexual - does not equal sexual wholeness. When testosterone levels decrease and there's no longer a sexual thought every two minutes, men who have relied solely on their sex drive and always reliable erections for their sexual identity can feel lost and 'less like a man'. I'll post tomorrow about how men can claim more sexual wholeness.

Looking for Clues

Yesterday's post was about how to be a sexual person when spontaneous sexual thoughts or feelings are few and far between. Here's another inroad: think about the times when you DO feel sexy or just in touch with yourself as a sexual being. What's different about those times? Are you rested and relaxed? Have you had a glass of wine? Have you found a way to put your to-do list on hold? Are you wearing something you feel good in? Have you just read an erotic love scene from a novel?

Those questions just scratch the surface. Probe for hints and clues to the things that spark your sexual imagination and provide a way to tap into your sexual energy. There may be more avenues into your sexuality than you think.

Expanding Your Sexuality

I've gotten several emails lately from women who once derived great joy from sex but now find that it never even crosses their mind. These women feel a sense of loss over the absence of spontaneous desire that once fueled their sexual interest.

When the hormones driving desire begin to wane, it's not as easy to feel like the juicy, sexy person you once were. As a young person, your sexuality was defined by your desire and by the desire of your partner. As you age, it's important to expand your definition of what it means to be sexual. Your sexuality encompasses your whole identity as a female, your passion for life, your sensual enjoyment of a cup of coffee out on the deck or a massage from your partner, your ability to accept and enjoy your body, your innocent flirtation with the good-looking waiter, your joy in holding your grandchildren - you get the idea. The more you can stay in the moment and experience life with all of your senses, the more sexual you'll feel. Maybe not the horniness of earlier days, but a fuller, deeper experience of what it really means to be sexual.

Sexual Cues

What gets you in the mood? Are there certain cues that get your motor running? Does your partner know exactly what arouses your interest?

It's important to know your sexual cues so that you can nurture your sexual interest. It also pays to share those cues with your partner so that they know exactly what they can do to increase the chance of getting to 'yes' when they want to get something going. Maybe it's a foot rub, a neck massage, a certain outfit, a long slow kiss, an erotic movie, a hot bath, snuggling on the couch, a nibble on the ear, the smell of your lover's cologne, or reminiscing about recent sexual adventures.

Pay attention to what turns you on - and don't forget to clue in your partner.

Claiming Your Sexuality

If your primary experience of your sexuality has been as a sexual object, then you have never really claimed your sexuality. You certainly may have been very sexual, but that is not the same as fully owning your sexuality.

Becoming the subject of your sex life - owning your sexuality - means:

Becoming a sexual being with your own sexual needs, feelings, and desires;
Learning to express those needs, feelings, and desires:
Making peace with your body and learning to be IN your body;
Taking responsibility for nurturing your sexual desire;
Setting, voicing, and enforcing clear sexual boundaries;
Learning to manage differences in sexual desire in a relationship;
Developing a language and comfort in discussing sexual issues.

By tuning into your sexuality, you can leave the bit parts behind and achieve a starring role
in your sex life!

Sex Object to Sex Subject

Females' early training in sexuality revolves around attracting male attention - being an object of desire. Just watch some adolescent girls hanging out at the movie theater or wherever young people gather. The hair, the makeup, the tight jeans and exposed midriffs, the body language - all are designed to arouse the sexual interest of the boys. How many of those girls are in touch with their own sexual feelings? How many are really prepared to deal with the sexual interest of the boys they're attracting?

Now think about those teenage girls growing up into adult women. At what point do they become fully sexual creatures in their own right? When do they tune into their sexual feelings and become more than responders to male sexual desire? Until women move from being the object to the subject of their sex lives, low desire will continue to be a problem.

I'll talk in future posts about how women can make that transition.

More Baby Steps

After challenging - and hopefully quieting - the shaming and guilt-inducing voices inside your head, it's helpful to do some reading about sex. There are many good sex manuals available these days - just go to your local bookstore or check out some titles on amazon.com.

Then gradually begin introducing some behaviors that will help you become more comfortable with sex. Tune into your senses, move more awareness into your body, explore your body's response to touch, and explore non-sexual touch with your partner. You don't need to rush. If something you try feels too uncomfortable, go back to the previous step and stay there for awhile before moving on. If you're trying new things with your partner, ask them to go slowly and to be patient with you. Continue to challenge any shaming messages that come up. Take some deep breaths.

The reprogramming process may take awhile, but it's well worth the effort. You deserve to have a sex life that's comfortable and that enriches your relationship.

Baby Steps

When you're working on reprogramming some negative messages and feelings about sex, it's ok to make those steps out of your comfort zone very small ones. You might begin by identifying who the guilt and shame-inducing voices belong to - your mom, your grandfather, your minister? Decide if the views delivered by those voices synch up with your current values and beliefs. Do you believe that sex is dirty - that men only want one thing - that to touch your genitals is nasty - that you shouldn't have to talk about sex - that 'nice' women aren't sexy?

If the old messages don't reflect your belief system, begin talking back to them. Challenge them - again and again and again - until they no longer feel true. You didn't get to choose how you learned about sex, but you do get to choose now what to chuck and what to keep. You can decide to adopt sex-affirming beliefs that will allow you to enjoy sex and claim a passion you never knew you were missing.

Reprogramming

Negative sexual programming - from society, family, religion - can put a significant crimp in your comfort level with sexuality and make you squirm at the mere thought of poking and prodding into the whole dirty business. If you're a squirmer, you probably don't think much about sex at all. You're not in touch with your sexual feelings, and it's difficult when you do have sex to relax enough to really enjoy the moment.

In order to reprogram your sexuality, you have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone. That's not easy because stepping out of your safe place will make you - well, uncomfortable. But unless you're willing to stand up to fear and discomfort, you'll be unlikely to discover the sexual joy that lies waiting for you right outside your comfort zone. You have to decide that sex is important enough to warrant feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

Tomorrow I'll talk about some ways to do that.

Yummm.....

Your lips, mouth, and tongue are exquisitely tuned to give and receive pleasure with your lover, both through taste as well as through touch. Licking, sucking, and nibbling can provide an endless variety of sexual pleasure. Get back to the days of long, slow kisses - and don't confine the kisses to your lips!

Eating is also a sensuous and pleasurable experience. Try feeding your partner and allow them to feed you - blindfolded. Incorporate new tastes into your lovemaking through flavored lubricants. Refrain from using body lotions prior to sex which can leave a bad taste in your lover's mouth. Women - use mouthwash flavored with cinnamon - a scent which is a turn-on for men.

If you've gotten lazy and stopped kissing and nibbling your partner, it's time to get your mouth muscles moving for something other than office gossip - you'll get an immediate charge to your sexual battery.

Eddie - Where are you?

Whenever I smell English Leather, I'm immediately transported back in time to a junior high dance where I'm slow-dancing with Eddie - who didn't go lightly when he sprayed himself with his dad's cologne. Smells, like music, tend to get deeply imprinted and create strong associations with people and places. Think about what associations pop up when you smell cotton candy, October's fallen leaves, the ocean, or bread baking in the oven.

What smells do you associate with your lover? Are there smells that you know are a turn-on for your partner? Just because you've been together for a hundred years doesn't mean that it's no longer important for your breath to be fresh and your body to be fragrant. Wear the cologne that your partner likes best. Create heavenly smells in the kitchen and place flowers in the bedroom. The sense of smell is an important conduit to our sexuality. Take time to discover what smells act as an aphrodisiac for you and for your partner.

Back In Touch

Touch is the language of lovers. Sad that we often get 'out of touch' with our life partner. Try rediscovering the joys of touch in your relationship - both in and out of the bedroom.

Touch can be playful, affectionate, passionate, relaxing, comforting, nurturing, and so much more. Practice communicating different moods and feelings to your partner strictly through touch. Spend a day just focusing on all the sensations you experience through your sense of touch - the warmth of the sun on your skin, the wind hitting your face through the car window, the squish of the carpet under your feet, the comforting embrace of a friend. Take turns giving and receiving massage with your partner. Sleep in the nude. Stay connected to your partner through skin-to-skin contact.

Listen Up

When was the last time you whispered sweet nothings in your lover's ear or slow-danced to your special song? Are you really listening to the answer when you ask about your partner's day? Through the gift of hearing, we can be comforted, excited, connected, and moved to deep levels of emotion.

Try being a little more intentional in using sound to enhance your relationship. Practice talking with a pleasing tonality. Create soothing sounds in your home environmet. Turn off the drone of the TV when no one is watching and replace it with your favorite music. Music can transport you back to the early days of your courtship and bring back all those 'lovin' feelings'. If you play a musical instrument, play it for your partner. Sing along with your partner to the tunes on the car radio. Give your partner a compliment. Try saying 'I love you' in a way that gets your partner's attention. Sharpen your listening skills and see what you may have been missing.

The Eyes Have It!

In an earlier post, I talked about the tendency to save our best look for the outside world while our partner gets the dregs. That's a big mistake because our vision is very powerful in stirring up feelings of love and lust.

Do you put some effort into looking good for your partner? You did in the beginning - maybe it's time to bring back a little of that special attention you invested to elicit your partner's loving gaze. Listen to your partner's preferences in clothing and sometimes wear what they want you to wear. Display pictures of you and your partner embracing. Look deeply into your partner's eyes. Keep your eyes open while making love. Take time to visually appreciate your partner's body. Flirt with your eyes. Make eye contact when talking with your partner. Do a slow strip-tease for your partner on your next sex date.

Try making your own list of ways to maximize your sense of sight to enhance your love life.

Using Your Senses

Did you ever think about your senses as an inroad to your sexuality? By fully engaging all of your senses - sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch - you stay tuned in and turned on to your sexuality.

During your courting days, you probably went to great lengths to look, sound, feel, smell, and taste good to your partner. You worked hard to accent your sexual desirability and your senses were finely tuned to respond to input from your lover. To bring back some of the heightened sexual interest of your dating days, begin using your senses to rev up your sexual engine.

Over the next several days, I'll share some ideas for making the most of your five senses in your love life.

Alcohol - Aphrodesiac or Anesthetic?

Everybody knows that a couple of drinks can relax your mind, lower your inhibitions, and put you in the 'mood for love'. But when a couple of drinks becomes more like three, four, or five, alchol's depressant effect kicks in and snoring may be a lot more likely than sizzling.

I've heard lots of complaints about partners who come home from work, down 3 or 4 glasses of wine or 6-8 beers over the course of the evening, and fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV.
Not exactly a recipe for love - or love-making. Even if the interest is there, too much booze interferes with sexual performance - so you might get something started that you can't finish.

Bottom line - if you want a healthy sex life, watch your alcohol intake. The very thing that sexes you up may very well end up letting you down.

Men, too?

The stereotype of married sex is the poor deprived husband always trying to 'get some' from his tired, disinterested wife. But there are plenty of households where the roles are reversed.

Men are subject to many of the same desire-killers as women: stress, resentment, fatigue, medication side effects, depression, alcohol abuse, etc. Even though men have up to 100 times more testosterone than women, they too can lose interest in sex. Men just tend to talk less about it since they may feel it reflects poorly on their manhood.

So if you're a man who's no longer in hot pursuit - or you're a woman who's no longer being pursued - you've got a lot of company. Now it's up to you to decide what you want to do about it.

Fantasy - Friend or Foe?

I received an email from a woman concerned about the role of fantasy in her sex life. "I've been married for 23 years and my husband and I have a good sexual relationship. But since going through menopause, I have less desire than I used to and I often have to fantasize to get myself to respond sexually. I hate it that my husband isn't enough to turn me on, and I feel guilty about the secret scenarios playing in my head."

Fantasy is a normal part of sexuality and often plays a more important role as familiarity with a partner and waning desire set in. Sharing fantasies with your partner and even acting out certain fantasies can keep you plugged into the action and your partner. Or you can use fantasy to jumpstart your desire and then tune into the current action. If you feel like you're over-relying on fantasy to get turned on, you may need to introduce more variety into your sexual routine. Talk to your partner and learn how make fantasy your friend.