Protecting Privacy

I posted yesterday about the difficulty of juggling relationships and the need to save some of your 'best self' for your partner. Another challenge presented by outside relationships is knowing how much to share with others about your couple life.

You've probably listened to people complain at great length about their partner's failings or been subjected to intimate details of a friend's love life. What's ok to confide and what's a violation of the couple boundary?

As a general rule, I recommend refraining from criticism and complaints to others about your partner. It's obviously unfair to your partner, and you risk alienating him/her from the people you love. (You will most likely be quicker than others to forgive and forget your partner's crime of the week.)

There is an exception to this no-griping rule. Because many people get stuck in a negaive loop of 'poor me' thoughts when they encounter problems with their partner, I often ask couples to agree on two safe people - one for each of them to confide in. It's usually better for these people to be friends rather than family and it's absolutely necessary that they can be trusted to keep things confidential. It's ideal if they can maintain some degree of objectivity in helping you process the problems and consider generous interpretations of your partner's behavior.

Protecting each other's privacy is essential for your sexual relationship. I'll talk more tomorrow about the couple boundary.