Change

When unhappy couples show up at my office, I can be pretty sure that each partner believes that the source of the problem resides with the other. Even when each person is able to take some ownership for their part of the problem, they typically see it as a response to what they're getting - or not getting - from their partner. Nagging and criticism? A response to a partner who's irresponsible and unwilling to help out. Controlling behavior? A response to a partner who's impulsive and unreliable. Sexual shut-down? A response to a partner who is unloving outside the bedroom.

The problem with this thinking, of course, is that change becomes impossible if both partners are waiting for the other to change first. And if you're the only one interested in working on the relationship, it leaves you powerless. Even if you're willing to take the initiative in changing, you may easily give up your efforts if you don't immediately get the response you're looking for.

Tomorrow I'll talk about what's needed to create real change.