Sexual Giving

If you're the one with little to no desire in your relationship, you can probably make a good case for your lack of desire - too much work, too little sleep, and getting too little from your sex-crazed partner who doesn't pay a lot of attention to you unless it's to try and get some action. You may be very justified in your complaints, whatever they are, but if you're interested in changing the dynamics in your relationship, you need to consider things from your partner's point of view.

What do you think it's like to crave physical touch and sexual intimacy and have it denied to you by the person who's supposed to love you? Or to have to settle for obligatory, get-it-over-with sex when what you want to feel is your partner's desire? If that's your partner experience, then they have little motivation to meet your needs because they're running on empty.

Sexual giving is about focusing on your partner's need for physical contact. It's not about waiting until the mood hits you - it's about initiating physical touch and sexual involvement. It's about setting a goal to have sex at least once or twice a week as a means of expressing love in your partner's language. It's choosing to be sexual even when you're not naturally inspired.

As with any change effort, you can't expect to see immediate results. You may notice your partner being in a better mood, but not really going out of the way to meet your needs. It takes time for your partner to trust that you haven't just flipped out or that you don't have a hidden agenda. And make sure you don't have a hidden agenda.

Wanting a better relationship is not a hidden agenda. Learning to take each other's needs seriously and making a concerted effort to meet those needs is the best formula around for relationship success.