Giving Without Getting

Taking charge of change in your relationship means that you put your own needs aside for a time and focus on filling your partner's needs. You stop worrying about what's fair and equitable and start working on speaking your partner's 'love language'. It helps to give yourself a time frame for this effort because it's tough to keep giving when your own tank is empty. But be generous with your time frame.

Can you keep it up for a month? Two months? My recommendation is generally for three months, and here's why: your partner will often fail to notice your earliest attempts at change. When your efforts are noticed, your partner may consider the changes a fluke or just wonder what's up. In any case, your efforts will likely be viewed with some suspicison or skepticism and little trust that they will be sustained. It takes time for your partner to really let down their guard and allow themselves to receive what you're giving. Only then do they begin feeling 'filled up'.

Once that happens, you'll often begin getting more of what YOU want, but be careful about making demands too soon. Start gradually and make your requests very specific. In the past, your partner may have stopped trying to give you what you needed if they felt like nothing they ever did was good enough. Don't leave any room for ambiguity.

Tomorrow and Thursday I'll apply the giving principle specifically to the sexual side of your relationship.