On-going Attraction

Have you ever seen one of those interviews with couples in their 80's or 90's discussing how they've managed to stay together for 60 years or more? I've always been touched when I hear these white-haired, liver-spotted, frail men and women describe each other as "the most beautiful woman in the world" or "still the most handsome man I've ever met". Maybe you're thinking they have dementia or are just delusional. But I think it's more than that.

No one escapes the effects of aging. Wrinkles appear, hair disappears (but then crops up in the strangest places), weight accumulates, and gravity takes its toll. So, over the long haul, how do lovers maintain the physical attraction they initially felt for one another?

The romantic idealization that occurs during courtship doesn't end completely when the romantic phase of the relationship draws to a close. Catherine Johnson, who wrote a book called Lucky in Love, puts it this way: "In happy marriages idealization simply is not a passing phase...It is, rather, an abiding and fundamental aspect of a couple's bond. And because of this on-going process of idealization, couples do no register the changes taking place in each other's bodies all that keenly. That first, radiant impression of each other lives on undimmed by time."

That doesn't mean you can't see how your partner has aged - it just doesn't fundamentally change your attraction to them. But that's assuming the relationship has remained loving and strong. So, if you're on solid ground with your partner, you may want to try using them as your mirror. You'll see a better reflection.