Simmering - But Not With Desire

The email radiated resentment. "Every weekend it's the same thing. I'm running around like a crazy person trying to do the errands and housework and laundry that piled up during the week, and he's lying on the couch watching TV. By Saturday night, I'm exhausted and he's ready for some action in the sack. He thinks I'm punishing him when I give him the cold shoulder, but I just don't feel like having sex when I'm tired and pissed off. I've told him why I'm not interested, but he just doesn't get it. What's so hard to 'get'?

Resentment is the #1 desire-killer in relationships. It's the slow-simmering anger that comes when you feel alone, when you feel like your partner isn't listening to you or understanding you, when you feel taken for granted, when you feel like you're 'doing it all', or when you feel like your needs just don't matter. The emailer's partner is probably tired of being nagged and criticized (deserved or not!) and is beginning to build some resentment of his own. The way he sees it, his needs aren't being met either. So how do you break this vicious cycle?

First, speak up when your feelings are hurt, your needs aren't being met, or you disagree about something. But instead of complaining, make specific requests. Don't expect your partner to see things the same way you do, but do expect to be taken seriously. Learn to let go of the little stuff but stand your ground on the stuff that's eating you up inside. Don't begin any sentence with "If you loved me, you would...." Love probably has little if anything to do with why your partner doesn't jump off the couch to go scrub the toilet when he sees you running the vacuum. Don't 'parent' your partner - even if he or she is acting like a child. It's a lose-lose. And finally, don't let any good deed go unrewarded. Take a cue from animal trainers and reinforce even the smallest effort your partner makes in the right direction. It's the surest way to get more of what you want - which will make you a happier camper and hopefully, a more interested sex partner.