Sex Talk

I received two emails recently about how hard it can be to talk about sex with a partner. A woman wrote: "I don't have any problem talking about sex with my husband unless it's about OUR sex life. Then I freeze up or blurt things out or tapdance around what I really want to say. Why is it so difficult?" A man wrote, "I want to talk with my partner about our sexual likes and dislikes instead of both of us just trying to guess what the other wants, but I'm afraid of coming across as inexperienced or unromantic. I feel like I'm supposed to know what turns her on - you know, like Don Juan."

Most people feel a lot of vulnerability around their sexuality which can make them very sensitive to comments about their sexual 'performance'. In other words, how many good answers are there to the question, "Was it good for you?" So how can you make it safe to talk about sex with your partner?

First, pick a good time to talk - which, unless your feedback is strictly positive, is never when you're in the middle of sex. And never, never, never when you're in the middle of an argument. Pick a time when you're both calm and relaxed and feeling connected. Second, focus a lot more on what you like rather than what you don't like, for example, "The thing that turns me on the most is....." or "I really love it when you...." When you need to share information about something you dislike, avoid being critical. Try, "For some reason, I tense up when ....." Then it's more about you than your partner. Don't let fear or discomfort bully you into silence. It's only by talking openly with your partner that you can have the sex life you deserve.