In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I want to give thanks for the gift of sexuality. We owe our existence and that of our children to sex. Though an egg and sperm can be joined in a test tube, sex is the powerhouse of creation and remains a vital source of energy throughout our lives. Sex is passion, excitement, engagement, and connection. Sex is about who we are as males and females. Sex grounds us in our bodies and then allows us to transcend them in the moment of orgasm.
All this, and it feels great, too! If sex isn't on your gratitude list, you're missing out on one of life's most wonderful blessings. It's never too late to explore, discover, and claim your sexuality.
I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving. I'll be back after a 4-day break celebrating with family.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Self-Pleasuring
In yesterday's post, I shared the results of a study on vibrator use that indicated vibrators are commonly used by couples as well as by individuals. Just to be clear - I wasn't suggesting there's anything wrong with solo use of a vibrator.
Masturbation has gotten a bad rap in our culture and is still a topic that gets little discussion or attention. Not that there aren't plenty of practitioners! The vast majority of men masturbate, and according to several studies, around 60-65% of women have masturbated at some point in their lives.
It's a shame that more women aren't getting the benefits of self-stimulation because it's a great way for women to learn what feels good and what doesn't. When women learn how to please themselves, their sexual enjoyment increases along with their ability to reach orgasm with their partner. And when women find themselves without a partner, they can stay connected to their sexuality through self-pleasuring. Self-pleasuring - sounds better than masturbation, doesn't it? If you're not already skilled in pleasuring yourself, you might just want to give it a try.
Masturbation has gotten a bad rap in our culture and is still a topic that gets little discussion or attention. Not that there aren't plenty of practitioners! The vast majority of men masturbate, and according to several studies, around 60-65% of women have masturbated at some point in their lives.
It's a shame that more women aren't getting the benefits of self-stimulation because it's a great way for women to learn what feels good and what doesn't. When women learn how to please themselves, their sexual enjoyment increases along with their ability to reach orgasm with their partner. And when women find themselves without a partner, they can stay connected to their sexuality through self-pleasuring. Self-pleasuring - sounds better than masturbation, doesn't it? If you're not already skilled in pleasuring yourself, you might just want to give it a try.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Vibrators - A Study
Think vibrators are just for the single and lonely? Or maybe just for the young and over-sexed?
Well, think again. The Berman Center did a study on a random sample of 2,000 women ages 18-60 and found that lots of women have discovered the pleasure afforded by this sexual aid.
In the study, almost half of the women reported using a vibrator - and it wasn't just the single women. Almost 60 percent of women in relationships reported vibrator use versus 30 percent of single women. The study also found that women with vibrator experience reported higher levels of sexual desire, more arousal, and easier orgasms. These women also reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction.
In case you're thinking that the satisfaction was primarily solo, almost half of the women who used vibrators did so with their partner, in addition to using them alone. Bottom line, vibrator use is associated with a more sexually satisfied woman.
If you don't own a vibrator or wouldn't know what to do with it if you did, check out The Passion Prescription by Laura Berman. There's a whole chapter in the book on different kinds of vibrators and how best to put them to use.
Well, think again. The Berman Center did a study on a random sample of 2,000 women ages 18-60 and found that lots of women have discovered the pleasure afforded by this sexual aid.
In the study, almost half of the women reported using a vibrator - and it wasn't just the single women. Almost 60 percent of women in relationships reported vibrator use versus 30 percent of single women. The study also found that women with vibrator experience reported higher levels of sexual desire, more arousal, and easier orgasms. These women also reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction.
In case you're thinking that the satisfaction was primarily solo, almost half of the women who used vibrators did so with their partner, in addition to using them alone. Bottom line, vibrator use is associated with a more sexually satisfied woman.
If you don't own a vibrator or wouldn't know what to do with it if you did, check out The Passion Prescription by Laura Berman. There's a whole chapter in the book on different kinds of vibrators and how best to put them to use.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Knowledge and Practice
If you want to maximize the interplay of sexual energy between you and your partner, you probably need to learn a lot more about sexual anatomy, your partner's erogenous zones, and specific techniques for bringing your partner pleasure. Then you need plenty of practice.
Most people who've been sexually active for decades tend to dismiss the idea that they have anymore to learn about being a better lover. But unfortunately, few lovers have ever taken the time or put in sufficient effort to develop real lovemaking skills. They've just done what has come naturally or what they've picked up from a few magazines or porn videos.
Sex is really basic if you're only interested in reproduction, but if you're interested in developing the sexual skills that will add joy and closeness to your relationship and bring more happiness into your life, you need training. You can start by picking up several books on sexual techniques. Then start experimenting, open up a dialogue with your partner, and practice, practice, practice. It's an investment of time and energy that has an amazing payoff.
Most people who've been sexually active for decades tend to dismiss the idea that they have anymore to learn about being a better lover. But unfortunately, few lovers have ever taken the time or put in sufficient effort to develop real lovemaking skills. They've just done what has come naturally or what they've picked up from a few magazines or porn videos.
Sex is really basic if you're only interested in reproduction, but if you're interested in developing the sexual skills that will add joy and closeness to your relationship and bring more happiness into your life, you need training. You can start by picking up several books on sexual techniques. Then start experimenting, open up a dialogue with your partner, and practice, practice, practice. It's an investment of time and energy that has an amazing payoff.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Orgasm Pressure
One of the barriers to pleasure for women during foreplay is the pressure they often experience to reach orgasm. A typical pattern for a man who wants to make sure his partner is sexually satisfied is to stimulate her to the point of climax before he penetrates and gets lost in the pursuit of his own climax.
OK - at least he's concerned about his partner's satisfaction. But the problem is that trying to force an orgasm creates too much pressure on the partner and works against her need to relax and let it happen. Men need to focus on giving their partner pleasure rather than giving her an orgasm.
Bottom line, everyone is responsible for their own orgasm. All we're responsible for in creating a mutually satisfying sexual relationship is giving and receiving pleasure and intimacy.
OK - at least he's concerned about his partner's satisfaction. But the problem is that trying to force an orgasm creates too much pressure on the partner and works against her need to relax and let it happen. Men need to focus on giving their partner pleasure rather than giving her an orgasm.
Bottom line, everyone is responsible for their own orgasm. All we're responsible for in creating a mutually satisfying sexual relationship is giving and receiving pleasure and intimacy.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Building Sexual Energy
Foreplay can be thought of as a process of building sexual energy. When partners take their time to caress each other and slowly activate the body's pleasure centers, they're creating and storing up sexual energy. The more sexual energy that's stored, the more intense the orgasm.
You've probably noticed that not all orgasms are exactly explosive. Not that any orgasm is actually 'bad', but some are a lot better than others. Foreplay is not only pleasurable in and of itself, but has the added advantage of maximizing the amount of stored up energy, resulting in orgasms that are deeper and more lasting than the ones typically achieved through masturbation or a quickie sexual encounter.
Not all sex needs to be earth-shattering, but it's important to remember that the pleasure you get is in direct proportion to the sexual energy you give and receive.
You've probably noticed that not all orgasms are exactly explosive. Not that any orgasm is actually 'bad', but some are a lot better than others. Foreplay is not only pleasurable in and of itself, but has the added advantage of maximizing the amount of stored up energy, resulting in orgasms that are deeper and more lasting than the ones typically achieved through masturbation or a quickie sexual encounter.
Not all sex needs to be earth-shattering, but it's important to remember that the pleasure you get is in direct proportion to the sexual energy you give and receive.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Easy Does It
It is apparent that a lot of men go after the clitoris with a vengeance during foreplay. The clitoris is the most sensitive part of the female body, and a lot of women experience pain rather than pleasure when men start rubbing it too soon or too roughly. Maybe men assume that the greater the friction, the greater the pleasure, but the clitoris requires gentle handling.
It has been suggested that reducing the force of stimulation to one-fifth or even one-tenth of what is normally used is just about right. And just because a woman starts responding does not mean that it's ok to immediately begin ramping up the pressure and speed. The best way to stimulate the clitoris is to do it gently from start to finish, only speeding up right before she climaxes.
Women need to be very specific in giving feedback on how they want their clitoris to be touched. Otherwise, their partner may give what they, themselves, want to receive.
It has been suggested that reducing the force of stimulation to one-fifth or even one-tenth of what is normally used is just about right. And just because a woman starts responding does not mean that it's ok to immediately begin ramping up the pressure and speed. The best way to stimulate the clitoris is to do it gently from start to finish, only speeding up right before she climaxes.
Women need to be very specific in giving feedback on how they want their clitoris to be touched. Otherwise, their partner may give what they, themselves, want to receive.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Women's Collusion with 'Bad Sex'
Recently I've been posting on foreplay, and I'll be continuing with that theme this week. I want to briefly comment on women's own collusion with sex that is quick, perfunctory, and ultimately unsatisfying.
Because many women have never experienced true eroticism and the pleasures of extended foreplay, they don't have a very high opinion of sex, in general. These women are unlikely to initiate sex because there's not that much in it for them. When their orgasm-focused partner initiates sex, they're likely to be eager for it to take up as little time as possible. What happens then, is that their partner is free to focus primarily on his own gratification without guilt or remorse.
A vicious cycle ensues in which the woman finds little or no pleasure in sex, and the man - sensing her disinterest and disengagement - does nothing that will change her experience. It's a set-up for resentment and disappointment on both sides. Both men and women have a role in changing this kind of unhealthy sexual dynamic.
Because many women have never experienced true eroticism and the pleasures of extended foreplay, they don't have a very high opinion of sex, in general. These women are unlikely to initiate sex because there's not that much in it for them. When their orgasm-focused partner initiates sex, they're likely to be eager for it to take up as little time as possible. What happens then, is that their partner is free to focus primarily on his own gratification without guilt or remorse.
A vicious cycle ensues in which the woman finds little or no pleasure in sex, and the man - sensing her disinterest and disengagement - does nothing that will change her experience. It's a set-up for resentment and disappointment on both sides. Both men and women have a role in changing this kind of unhealthy sexual dynamic.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Post #400
This post is number 400 since I began posting in July, 2007. Sometimes I think there just isn't anything new to say, but then I hear another complaint from a sexually frustrated client or hear something in the news or read an interesting perspective in one of the many sex books that keep arriving on my doorstep (you do have to order them!). So I keep on posting and hope that I'm providing helpful or at least interesting information to the readers of this blog.
If there are topics I haven't addressed or a topic you'd just like to hear more about, I'd welcome your feedback. You can send a comment through the blog or send me an email. Learning about sexuality is a life-long process, and I enjoy the opportunity to share my learning with you.
Let me hear from you.
If there are topics I haven't addressed or a topic you'd just like to hear more about, I'd welcome your feedback. You can send a comment through the blog or send me an email. Learning about sexuality is a life-long process, and I enjoy the opportunity to share my learning with you.
Let me hear from you.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Foreplay
What would you guess is the average amount of time spent on foreplay? The consensus of a number of surveys indicates that a typical sexual encounter involves 15 minutes of foreplay and an additional 5 minutes from the time of penetration to orgasm. (That's the man's orgasm.) So 20 minutes, total.
That's a bit of a problem when you consider that the average woman takes 20-30 minutes or more to reach orgasm. It's not surprising, then, that the three top sexual complaints from women are lack of foreplay, unimaginative sex, and their partner reaching orgasm too quickly. It's also no surprise that women lose interest in sex over time if the experience is less than satisfying for them.
Even in boring or bland sexual encounters, men usually get the pleasure associated with orgasm. But if a woman is unable to achieve orgasm due to inadequate stimulation, she misses out on the part that might redeem an otherwise unsatisfying tryst. If men want more interested partners, they need to pay attention to creating more mutually satisfying sexual experiences. That takes time. More than 15 minutes...
That's a bit of a problem when you consider that the average woman takes 20-30 minutes or more to reach orgasm. It's not surprising, then, that the three top sexual complaints from women are lack of foreplay, unimaginative sex, and their partner reaching orgasm too quickly. It's also no surprise that women lose interest in sex over time if the experience is less than satisfying for them.
Even in boring or bland sexual encounters, men usually get the pleasure associated with orgasm. But if a woman is unable to achieve orgasm due to inadequate stimulation, she misses out on the part that might redeem an otherwise unsatisfying tryst. If men want more interested partners, they need to pay attention to creating more mutually satisfying sexual experiences. That takes time. More than 15 minutes...
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Order of Stimulation
Yesterday I posted on the need for women to be relaxed prior to arousal. I focused on the initial approach and its importance in allowing the erogenous brain to engage. Today I want to take that a step further and talk about what happens next.
Once foreplay begins, the order of stimulation will make a big difference in a woman's ability to respond sexually. I'm going to quote from Slow Sex Secrets by Adam Tokunaga:
"You start by caressing your partner's hair. From there, you work your way to her face, her shoulders, her arms, and her fingers. Then you move to her sides, her lower back, her upper back, and her shoulder blades. Only then do you move down to her buttocks, thus covering all the erogenous zones on the back side of her body. Once you have done that, you move to the front. You don't go right for the nipples, however. They are left to later in the series, teasing your partner's receptivity to greater heights."
This isn't a rigid prescription, but it gives a good idea of how to heighten a woman's sexual sensitivity and get her sexual energy flowing.
Once foreplay begins, the order of stimulation will make a big difference in a woman's ability to respond sexually. I'm going to quote from Slow Sex Secrets by Adam Tokunaga:
"You start by caressing your partner's hair. From there, you work your way to her face, her shoulders, her arms, and her fingers. Then you move to her sides, her lower back, her upper back, and her shoulder blades. Only then do you move down to her buttocks, thus covering all the erogenous zones on the back side of her body. Once you have done that, you move to the front. You don't go right for the nipples, however. They are left to later in the series, teasing your partner's receptivity to greater heights."
This isn't a rigid prescription, but it gives a good idea of how to heighten a woman's sexual sensitivity and get her sexual energy flowing.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Relaxation
There are many differences in male and female sexuality, but one of the big ones that's often ignored is a woman's need for relaxation prior to arousal. Men can be aroused by a visual image or a simple touch, but for a woman to become aroused, she first needs to relax. She has to be able to put aside her stress and her internal chatter before her erogenous brain can start performing its magic.
It's no surprise that men's advances are often rejected. Men frequently make the mistake of approaching their partner the way, themselves, would like to be approached. But instead of popping a porn film into the DVD or walking around naked following a shower, they would be a lot better off putting on some music and asking for a slow dance or offering their partner a foot or shoulder massage.
There's a big difference between simply getting acquiescence to a sexual request versus getting a partner who's fully engaged. Ignoring a woman's need for relaxation is more likely to get the former rather than the latter.
It's no surprise that men's advances are often rejected. Men frequently make the mistake of approaching their partner the way, themselves, would like to be approached. But instead of popping a porn film into the DVD or walking around naked following a shower, they would be a lot better off putting on some music and asking for a slow dance or offering their partner a foot or shoulder massage.
There's a big difference between simply getting acquiescence to a sexual request versus getting a partner who's fully engaged. Ignoring a woman's need for relaxation is more likely to get the former rather than the latter.
Monday, November 10, 2008
The G-Shot
In the last post, I discussed the G-spot. In an effort to ramp up their sexual response and achieve orgasm more easily, some women are now paying quite a bit of money to get an injection called a G-Shot, or G-spot Amplification.
In this relatively new procedure, a small dose of collagen is injected into the G-spot that makes it swell to the size of a quarter. The collagen reabsorbs into the body within four months, and repeated injections can be given.
Some researchers question the effectiveness of the G-Shot, noting the lack of a double-blind study. It's hard to know if there is a placebo effect influencing reported outcomes. But many of the patients receiving the treatment have described heightened sexual interest and the ability to reach orgasm within a few minutes, with little effort.
Whether the G-Shot becomes a popular 'fix' for women with low desire is yet to be seen. For now, you might want to save your money and find your own ways of stimulating the G-spot.
In this relatively new procedure, a small dose of collagen is injected into the G-spot that makes it swell to the size of a quarter. The collagen reabsorbs into the body within four months, and repeated injections can be given.
Some researchers question the effectiveness of the G-Shot, noting the lack of a double-blind study. It's hard to know if there is a placebo effect influencing reported outcomes. But many of the patients receiving the treatment have described heightened sexual interest and the ability to reach orgasm within a few minutes, with little effort.
Whether the G-Shot becomes a popular 'fix' for women with low desire is yet to be seen. For now, you might want to save your money and find your own ways of stimulating the G-spot.
Friday, November 7, 2008
The G-Spot
The G-spot was first identified by a German gynecologist, Ernst Grafenberg, in 1950. The G-spot refers to a small area behind a woman's pubic bone on the front wall of the vagina. It's considered an erogenous zone that when stimulated leads to intense sexual arousal and powerful orgasms. There has been some controversy in the scientific field over whether the G-spot even exists, and there are certainly many women who have yet to identify such a spot in their own bodies.
If you haven't discovered this particular part of your (or your partner's) anatomy and are interested in exploring, don't go searching until arousal is already in full swing. The G-spot swells with blood during arousal and becomes easier to find. It also becomes more sensitive. Your best bet is to insert a finger into the vagina and imagine that you are trying to massage the belly button. Assuming that you are able to locate it, remember that massaging the G-spot is more pleasurable for some women than for others. For those who find it sexually stimulating, you may want to experiment with different sexual positions that maximize stimulation of the spot during intercourse.
On Monday, I'll post on the G-Shot - a collagen injection to "pump up" your sex life.
If you haven't discovered this particular part of your (or your partner's) anatomy and are interested in exploring, don't go searching until arousal is already in full swing. The G-spot swells with blood during arousal and becomes easier to find. It also becomes more sensitive. Your best bet is to insert a finger into the vagina and imagine that you are trying to massage the belly button. Assuming that you are able to locate it, remember that massaging the G-spot is more pleasurable for some women than for others. For those who find it sexually stimulating, you may want to experiment with different sexual positions that maximize stimulation of the spot during intercourse.
On Monday, I'll post on the G-Shot - a collagen injection to "pump up" your sex life.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Energy-Draining or Energy-Giving?
Virtually everyone has an overly-full plate these days - too many demands on your time, too much time spent at work, too little sleep to replenish yoursef. It's a complaint I hear over and over again when couples talk about their infrequent sexual activity: "We're just exhausted at the end of the day. We're asleep within 5 minutes of our heads hitting the pillows."
So is sex one more demand that you have to reserve energy for? Or is sex - like sleep - a source of energy? Sex does, of course, require a certain expenditure of energy, but it can also re-energize. It is a wellspring of strength and vitality that can put a spring in your step and years off your face as surely as a 12-hour sleep marathon.
When sex is approached as a chore or a responsibility, it's life-giving potential is often missed. If you're tired and feeling beaten up by life, you probably need more sex, not less. Don't pass up the opportunity to tap into an energy source that will benefit both you and your relationship.
So is sex one more demand that you have to reserve energy for? Or is sex - like sleep - a source of energy? Sex does, of course, require a certain expenditure of energy, but it can also re-energize. It is a wellspring of strength and vitality that can put a spring in your step and years off your face as surely as a 12-hour sleep marathon.
When sex is approached as a chore or a responsibility, it's life-giving potential is often missed. If you're tired and feeling beaten up by life, you probably need more sex, not less. Don't pass up the opportunity to tap into an energy source that will benefit both you and your relationship.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Exceptional Sex - Part 2
Yesterday I included some questions from The Exceptional Seven Percent to open up discussion with your partner about your sexual relationship. Today I want to share some ideas from the book that you may want to try.
1. Take 10 consecutive days off from lovemaking this month. Each of the ten days, make a
point to give each other loving, focused attention: cuddle together, make out without
going all the way, go on a date, etc. On the eleventh day, set aside special time for break-
ing the fast.
2. Some time when you make love, look into each other's eyes as you climax. Don't say a
a word or make a sound. Focus all your passion through your eyes.
3. Some time when you make love, take turns agreeing not to do anything unless your
your partner tells you what to do. Have your mate describe what to do, how long to
to do it, and how fast or slow.
1. Take 10 consecutive days off from lovemaking this month. Each of the ten days, make a
point to give each other loving, focused attention: cuddle together, make out without
going all the way, go on a date, etc. On the eleventh day, set aside special time for break-
ing the fast.
2. Some time when you make love, look into each other's eyes as you climax. Don't say a
a word or make a sound. Focus all your passion through your eyes.
3. Some time when you make love, take turns agreeing not to do anything unless your
your partner tells you what to do. Have your mate describe what to do, how long to
to do it, and how fast or slow.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Exceptional Sex
In Gregory Popcak's book, The Exceptional Seven Percent, he explores the secrets of the world's happiest couples. The last chapter is on exceptional sex and ends with some questions for couples to discuss with each other. If it's easier, partners can write out their answers and then exchange the written responses before discussing them. Here's just a few of the questions I found interesting:
1. How good is your social intercourse? How do you think this affects your lovemaking?
How can you improve your partnership out of the bedroom?
2. What do you enjoy most about making love with your partner? When you think of
of the most fun you ever had making love with your partner, what springs to mind?
What time was the most meaningful?
3. How do you think shame or fear of vulnerability holds you back as a lover? What
can you do to begin overcoming these struggles? How can your mate support you?
4. If you were to take a break from lovemaking, what areas of your relationship would
you like to focus more attention on? How do you think this would benefit you?
1. How good is your social intercourse? How do you think this affects your lovemaking?
How can you improve your partnership out of the bedroom?
2. What do you enjoy most about making love with your partner? When you think of
of the most fun you ever had making love with your partner, what springs to mind?
What time was the most meaningful?
3. How do you think shame or fear of vulnerability holds you back as a lover? What
can you do to begin overcoming these struggles? How can your mate support you?
4. If you were to take a break from lovemaking, what areas of your relationship would
you like to focus more attention on? How do you think this would benefit you?
Monday, November 3, 2008
Christian Nymphos
A friend of mine sent me a link to an interesting website a few weeks back. It's a site started by a group of Christian women who believe that God intended for husbands and wives to have passionate, abundant sex lives - with each other, of course. The web address is http://christiannymphos.org Really.
The site includes a blog as well as interesting articles. These ladies don't shy away from explicit sexual advice. There are suggestions for new sexual positions to try, some thoughts on sex while menstruating, and even tips for those interested in oral or anal sex. Some pretty cool stuff. So even if the God talk isn't really your thing, you might want to check it out. Personally, I'm just glad there's a religious voice out there really celebrating and promoting hot sex!
The site includes a blog as well as interesting articles. These ladies don't shy away from explicit sexual advice. There are suggestions for new sexual positions to try, some thoughts on sex while menstruating, and even tips for those interested in oral or anal sex. Some pretty cool stuff. So even if the God talk isn't really your thing, you might want to check it out. Personally, I'm just glad there's a religious voice out there really celebrating and promoting hot sex!
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