Female Arousal

I've posted several times on the complexities of female arousal. Mary Roach, the author of Bonk, discovered some interesting research on the connection between a woman's mind and body. Using a device called an arousometer, a researcher studied the photoplethysmograph responses of three groups of women to erotic film clips: one group with arousal disorder, one with orgasm disorder, and a control group. The women with some dysfunction differed from the controls not in the physical changes that took place in their bodies while watching the clips, but in their awareness of the changes.

It turns out that the functional women - even those with only a small physical response to the erotic film - were able to notice and pay attention to their responses. In the dysfunctional group, many of the women had normal physical responses but didn't attend to them. These may be women who only feel aroused when there is an emotional, loving connection.

Women's sexual arousal signals are more subtle than men's. Part of the challenge for women is learning to tune in to their bodies, turn down the static, and get on the right channel.

Sex and the Election

Aside from whatever sex scandals might surface, you'd think sex would have little to do with the upcoming elections. But sex seems to be figuring quite prominently in the presidential race - as in who brings the most sex appeal to the ticket. Obama had that one hands down until McCain picked Palin as his running mate. Now when Palin meets with foreign leaders, the paper talks about the men "swooning", and people are rushing out to buy eyeglasses in the same style as Palin's. How important is sex appeal in our choice of candidates?

Though we've had plenty of decidedly unsexy occupants in the Oval Office, sex appeal undoubtedly adds something to the ticket. We're drawn not simply to attractiveness but to the energy, the excitement, and the charisma of a sexy politician. Gore and Kerry would be considered attractive by many people, but were crucified for being stiff and stuffy. McCain also suffers from a lack of perceived warmth and user-friendliness.

Clinton - that's Bill Clinton - epitomized the qualities people are drawn to instinctively - the ability to connect on a personal level, enthusiasm, confidence, warmth, and a relaxed intensity. I'm certainly not suggesting that sex appeal should be the primary criteria for selecting a candidate, but the fact that it plays such a big role in elections tells us something about the importance of sexuality in our own lives.

The Great Life Force

Sex connects us to our bodies – the vehicle through which we experience life. Thomas Moore says, “To look at and feel the naked human body is to behold, perhaps without much understanding, the mysteries of life.” Sex brings us to life and helps us live with passion and presence.

So what if you’re not involved in a sexual relationship? You are a sexual being whether you’re having sex or not. If you’re present in your body and your senses are alive, you can experience your sexuality in a passionate engagement with life. You can tap into your creativity and discover how to manifest your sexual impulses in the world. It may be through poetry or dance or cooking or intimate involvement with friends.

Sex is more than an expression of love and more than what two bodies do with one another. Our culture has trivialized sex. Try giving yourself permission to expand and deepen your understanding of this great life force.

More Than Love

If you limit sexuality to an expression of love, then you miss out on much that is playful and erotic about sex. You end up feeling guilty about the sexual thoughts and fantasies that pop up in your mind that have nothing to do with love, or you may be offended by your partner's erotic fantasies and desires.

Often the need to romanticize sex is rooted in a general discomfort with sex. Feelings of disgust and revulsion toward our 'animalistic' urges are a product of negative sexual conditioning both within our families and our culture. Those feelings can also result from hurtful or traumatic sexual experiences. When those feelings are not worked through and people aren't comfortable with sexuality, sex can only be enjoyed when it's air-brushed with gushing sentiment and candlelight.

Not that love and deep emotional intimacy aren't vital aspects of sex. But sex encompasses so much more. When you can bring your whole self to sexual expression, you not only increase your pleasure but enhance the connection with your partner, as well.

Sex and Life

Before the power outage knocked me off-line, I promised to talk about sex as more than an expression of love or a simple satisfaction of physical desire. I want to share a couple of thoughts from Thomas Moore's Dark Nights of the Soul:

"By bringing out your sensuality and vitality, at its best sex can connect you to society and to the natural world. It can be the vehicle by which you surrender to life and can restore a sense of your body. Sex accomplishes a great deal for the human soul through the emotional relationship and through sensuality."

"Sex involves precisely those things that are most important to the soul: love, curiosity, fantasy, desire, pleasure, intimacy, and sensation. In sex, there is no obvious work to be done and no particular outcome...In sex, the body is a world to be explored. ...practicality recedes. What happens then is of great significance to your sense of meaning, to feelings of relatedness, and to a sense of self."

If you're a person who says, "I just don't care about sex", your partner's needs may not be the only thing that's getting neglected. You may also be missing out on an important source of connection to your body and to the earth.

Back From the Dark

During the last week as I struggled - along with countless others - without power at home or at the office, I realized how many activities require electricity. I didn't miss TV much, but I did miss keeping up with email, and I really missed home-cooked meals and reading before going to sleep. I was reminded that sex works just as well as reading in promoting good sleep.

Do you think there was a lot more sex going on in electricity-deprived cities last week? I hope people took advantage of the darkness, of the earlier bedtimes, of a little less busy-ness and a little slower pace to talk more with their partners and rediscover the delight of each other's bodies. Life in Louisville has returned to a more or less normal routine these days, but couples who took advantage of the outage to generate their own electricity between the sheets might want to consider the on-going value of turning off the lights and the TV just a little bit earlier each night.

Avoidance?

I often hear men complain about the need many women seem to have for conditions to be 'just right' before sex is a possibility. The conditions vary but often include complete privacy (no one else in the house), being 'in the mood', things being 'right' in the relationship, a romantic prelude, a clean house, etc. etc. Men find these conditions to be more than a little frustrating, and often conclude that it just amounts to more avoidance.

Maybe, maybe not. Women's sexuality is complex, and if a woman has not nurtured her sexuality and become comfortable as a sexual being, then it doesn't take much to shut down her sexual response. If she's only ok with sex when it's couched in romance and is preceded by emotional intimacy, then she will miss many opportunities for pleasure and relaxation.

Starting next week, I'll be posting on how sex can be more than an expression of emotion or a simple satisfaction of physical desire.

Sexual Giving

If you're the one with little to no desire in your relationship, you can probably make a good case for your lack of desire - too much work, too little sleep, and getting too little from your sex-crazed partner who doesn't pay a lot of attention to you unless it's to try and get some action. You may be very justified in your complaints, whatever they are, but if you're interested in changing the dynamics in your relationship, you need to consider things from your partner's point of view.

What do you think it's like to crave physical touch and sexual intimacy and have it denied to you by the person who's supposed to love you? Or to have to settle for obligatory, get-it-over-with sex when what you want to feel is your partner's desire? If that's your partner experience, then they have little motivation to meet your needs because they're running on empty.

Sexual giving is about focusing on your partner's need for physical contact. It's not about waiting until the mood hits you - it's about initiating physical touch and sexual involvement. It's about setting a goal to have sex at least once or twice a week as a means of expressing love in your partner's language. It's choosing to be sexual even when you're not naturally inspired.

As with any change effort, you can't expect to see immediate results. You may notice your partner being in a better mood, but not really going out of the way to meet your needs. It takes time for your partner to trust that you haven't just flipped out or that you don't have a hidden agenda. And make sure you don't have a hidden agenda.

Wanting a better relationship is not a hidden agenda. Learning to take each other's needs seriously and making a concerted effort to meet those needs is the best formula around for relationship success.

How To Get More Sex

If you're the one pushing for more sex in your relationship, it's time to stop pushing if you're serious about change. I'm sure you believe that life-long celibacy will be your fate if you give up trying to get some action in the bedroom, but what you're currently doing probably only produces occasional, less-than-satisfying sex anyway. Sex is really not that enjoyable with a partner who's only giving in under pressure.

Now you may have tried giving up in the past - no pressure, no criticism - just to see how long it would take for your partner to approach YOU. That doesn't cut it. A moratorium on sex (and pressure for sex) doesn't work if you're doing nothing else differently. If you're silently - and resentfully - waiting for your partner to make the first move, you're likely to be waiting a long time.

Real change is about letting go of your sexual expectations and beginning to meet your partner's expectations. Think about your partner's repetitive complaints about you and the relationship. What is it that they want - more time? more appreciation? more romance? more help? Whatever it is that they're looking for, that's your ticket to filling their heart. And it's not enough to do it for a few days or a week and then sit back and wait for your 'reward'. This isn't a simple barter - I'll scratch your back if you'll scratch mine. It's about giving to your partner out of love and out of a genuine concern for their needs.

If you have a long history of sexual conflict with your partner, it will take time to convince them that you care as much about their needs as you care about your own. But if you're willing to be patient, there's no better aphrodisiac in the world.

Giving Without Getting

Taking charge of change in your relationship means that you put your own needs aside for a time and focus on filling your partner's needs. You stop worrying about what's fair and equitable and start working on speaking your partner's 'love language'. It helps to give yourself a time frame for this effort because it's tough to keep giving when your own tank is empty. But be generous with your time frame.

Can you keep it up for a month? Two months? My recommendation is generally for three months, and here's why: your partner will often fail to notice your earliest attempts at change. When your efforts are noticed, your partner may consider the changes a fluke or just wonder what's up. In any case, your efforts will likely be viewed with some suspicison or skepticism and little trust that they will be sustained. It takes time for your partner to really let down their guard and allow themselves to receive what you're giving. Only then do they begin feeling 'filled up'.

Once that happens, you'll often begin getting more of what YOU want, but be careful about making demands too soon. Start gradually and make your requests very specific. In the past, your partner may have stopped trying to give you what you needed if they felt like nothing they ever did was good enough. Don't leave any room for ambiguity.

Tomorrow and Thursday I'll apply the giving principle specifically to the sexual side of your relationship.

Change

When unhappy couples show up at my office, I can be pretty sure that each partner believes that the source of the problem resides with the other. Even when each person is able to take some ownership for their part of the problem, they typically see it as a response to what they're getting - or not getting - from their partner. Nagging and criticism? A response to a partner who's irresponsible and unwilling to help out. Controlling behavior? A response to a partner who's impulsive and unreliable. Sexual shut-down? A response to a partner who is unloving outside the bedroom.

The problem with this thinking, of course, is that change becomes impossible if both partners are waiting for the other to change first. And if you're the only one interested in working on the relationship, it leaves you powerless. Even if you're willing to take the initiative in changing, you may easily give up your efforts if you don't immediately get the response you're looking for.

Tomorrow I'll talk about what's needed to create real change.

What's Up?

"What's wrong?" "Nothing." How often does that conversation take place in your relationship? If you're on the asking side of that 'conversation', you're probably picking up some non-verbal cues that tell you something is going on with your partner. Without any feedback, you're left to wonder if there's a problem at work, a problem in the relationship, a physical problem, or whether it's just a bad mood. Of course, there may be no problem at all, but "nothing" just doesn't do much to put your mind at ease.

If you're the one being asked the question, you may feel irritated about being put on the spot. Maybe there's nothing wrong or maybe you're just not ready to talk about it if there is something wrong. Or you're afraid of getting into a fight or you're one of those people who gets more upset when you talk about whatever is upsetting you.

The problem here is that shutting your partner out creates distance. It opens up space for negative - and often incorrect - assumptions. It erodes trust and directly impacts intimacy. Bottom line, it's dishonest to say nothing is wrong if something is bugging you. If you don't know exactly what it is or you're not yet ready to talk about, it's better to say that. At the same time, give your partner some reassurance that you'll clue them in sometime in the near future - or as soon as you figure it out.

Sexuality thrives in an atmosphere of connection and open communication. You can't close the door on communication and expect an open door to intimacy. So the next time your partner asks, "What's wrong?", you might want to think twice before responding in your usual fashion.

Love Languages - Part 2

Meeting a partner's need for touch isn't necessarily easy if you're not a 'touchy' person. So why should you make the effort?

Consider what it's like for you when your partner isn't doing what makes you feel loved and cared about. You might do just fine without twice weekly lovemaking sessions, but you may start to feel very disgruntled if you're regularly ignored when you try to talk to your partner or you rarely ever hear a compliment or your repeated requests for help around the house fall on deaf ears. Being a good listener, giving affirmations, or doing household chores may lie outside your partner's comfort zone, but don't you expect some effort from your partner toward meeting your needs? Do you really care that it doesn't come easy?

It's easy to put physical affection and sex into a different category altogether - to forget that it may be as important to your partner's well being and relationship satisfaction as feeling appreciated is to your satisfaction. It's a good thing to remember.

Love Languages

In his book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman details five ways that people understand and receive emotional love. He's broken it down into 1) words of affirmation, 2) quality time,
3) gifts, 4) acts of service, and 5) physical touch. His theory is that people develop a primary love language based on their psychological makeup and how love was expressed in their family.

Things get tricky in relationships because partners often bring different love languages to the table. Because we usually tend to give what we want to receive, our very best efforts to express love to a partner can be poorly received. The solution is to learn what makes your partner feel loved and be generous in supplying it.

So if you're with a partner whose desire for sex is tied into a primary love language of physical touch, lack of interest on your part is typically experienced as a lack of love. Negotiating differences in desire then becomes more than a simple compromise. If you're the one with less desire, one option is to make sex a higher priority, but you can also focus on increasing the physical affection in your relationship. Touch speaks volumes - especially to the person for whom touch is their primary language of love.

Body Discomfort

It's not a news flash that the majority of women are dissatisfied with their bodies. Just the whole self-hatred thing is bad enough in terms of how much joy it steals from women's lives, but body discomfort can also make sex a downright distasteful body experience. Feeling bad about your body in isolation is one thing - having your body on view and available for touching by another human being takes it to another level.

Body hatred leads to sex in the dark, sex in certain positions only, prohibitions on touching particular areas of the body, and/or no sex at all. What women forget is that their sexual inhibitions are a much bigger turn-off for their partner than any flab or sagging flesh could ever be. And having those hated body parts lovingly carressed can actually be healing. You know you can't do that for yourself - why not let your partner help you grow in body acceptance? At the very least, more freedom and fewer inhibitions will definitely improve your sex life.