Been to any adult Halloween parties this season? If so, you've probably seen another side of the mild-mannered, modest folks who work alongside you at the office or wave to you as they're taking out the trash. In addition to the ghouls and the Frankensteins, you most likely have been exposed to the inner vixen that lies hidden underneath many people's conservative everyday persona. Playboy bunnies, skimpily dressed nurses, suave pirates, and black-caped draculas all reflect the pleasure to be found in accessing the daring, erotic impulses that are often kept under wraps.
Even the funky, hilarious costumes bring out the playful and childlike parts of people that allow inhibition to be chucked for the evening. Not really so far removed from role-play and fantasy enactment. So when you take off that costume after the party tonight, try keeping your imagination activated for an erotic adventure with your partner.
Happy Halloween!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Resistance
I've written previously about sexual problems and strategies for addressing them, but what if you have a partner who refuses to face a problem or get any help for it?
First, try to understand what's behind the refusal. Is it the inability to take ownership of the problem because of ego? Is it embarrassment about seeking help from a doctor? Is there an assumption that the problem will eventually just 'go away' on its own?
Second, express your frustration and concern about both the immediate and long-term impact on your sexual relationship. Refrain from any criticism or attack. Stress the value you place on your physical intimacy.
Third, ask if there's anything you can do that might help solve the problem. Be willing to explore alternative solutions. Gently ask for a commitment to implementing a change or seeking help from a doctor or other professional.
Ignoring sexual problems can lead to much bigger issues down the road and unnecessarily contaminate a couple's sexual relationship. Don't let your partner's denial and resistance become your own.
First, try to understand what's behind the refusal. Is it the inability to take ownership of the problem because of ego? Is it embarrassment about seeking help from a doctor? Is there an assumption that the problem will eventually just 'go away' on its own?
Second, express your frustration and concern about both the immediate and long-term impact on your sexual relationship. Refrain from any criticism or attack. Stress the value you place on your physical intimacy.
Third, ask if there's anything you can do that might help solve the problem. Be willing to explore alternative solutions. Gently ask for a commitment to implementing a change or seeking help from a doctor or other professional.
Ignoring sexual problems can lead to much bigger issues down the road and unnecessarily contaminate a couple's sexual relationship. Don't let your partner's denial and resistance become your own.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Lowering Libido?
A woman wrote into Annie's advice column today in the Courier wondering why it's always women who are expected to accomodate men's more active libido rather than men doing something to lower their own. The response indicated that the writer was not alone in feeling this way.
Actually, I think many men with strong sex drives already do a lot of accomodating since it's frequently their partners who determine how often sex occurs. Now that doesn't mean the men always accomodate gracefully. I've written several times on the importance of negotiating differences in desire in a relationship and the negative impact of a partner who pressures and complains about not getting enough sex.
I would stop short, however, in suggesting that men (or women) do anything to lower their libido. The libido is a source of energy and excitement. Anyone with libido to spare can masturbate, and they can invest their excess passion in worthwhile endeavors. Certainly a better alternative than saltpeter.
Actually, I think many men with strong sex drives already do a lot of accomodating since it's frequently their partners who determine how often sex occurs. Now that doesn't mean the men always accomodate gracefully. I've written several times on the importance of negotiating differences in desire in a relationship and the negative impact of a partner who pressures and complains about not getting enough sex.
I would stop short, however, in suggesting that men (or women) do anything to lower their libido. The libido is a source of energy and excitement. Anyone with libido to spare can masturbate, and they can invest their excess passion in worthwhile endeavors. Certainly a better alternative than saltpeter.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Sex Diaries
Did you happen to catch the issue of Velocity entitled The SEX Issue (Oct. 15-21)? For those who haven't seen it around town, Velocity is a free news publication covering leisure life in Louisville. This issue contained five-day sex diaries from 6 single Louisvillians in their 20's and 30's.
After reading the diaries, I was left trying to figure out if single people just think about sex a lot more than married people or if people who volunteer to share their sexual thoughts and behaviors with the public are just naturally more sex-focused. Or maybe once having volunteered for the assignment, they became more sexually focused. It made me think that if you kept a diary just for recording sexual thoughts, desires, fantasies, and encounters, it might increase your sexuality quotient - in the same way that keeping a gratitude journal tends to increase an appreciation for all that's positive in your life.
Maybe you're thinking if you kept a sex diary, it would be filled with lots of blank pages. But that's because you're not really paying attention. Sexual thoughts and feelings can be subtle and fleeting. Who knows what might happen if you began to notice and record all the sexual blips on your radar....
After reading the diaries, I was left trying to figure out if single people just think about sex a lot more than married people or if people who volunteer to share their sexual thoughts and behaviors with the public are just naturally more sex-focused. Or maybe once having volunteered for the assignment, they became more sexually focused. It made me think that if you kept a diary just for recording sexual thoughts, desires, fantasies, and encounters, it might increase your sexuality quotient - in the same way that keeping a gratitude journal tends to increase an appreciation for all that's positive in your life.
Maybe you're thinking if you kept a sex diary, it would be filled with lots of blank pages. But that's because you're not really paying attention. Sexual thoughts and feelings can be subtle and fleeting. Who knows what might happen if you began to notice and record all the sexual blips on your radar....
Defining Infidelity
In today's world, infidelity has become a little more complicated to define. It used to be pretty simple - infidelity was when someone engaged in intercourse with another person other than his or her partner. But now there are lots of different ways to cross couple boundaries without actually having sex with someone else.
Is it infidelity when someone engages in cybersex, online sexual chatting, emotional involvement with someone online, keeping secrets from one's partner, flirting? How about just secretly viewing online pornography? When are you being unfaithful to your partner?
Many therapists consider infidelity to include any other relationship that drains energy from the couple and contains an element of secrecy. What's your definition? It may be an important conversation to have with your partner.
Is it infidelity when someone engages in cybersex, online sexual chatting, emotional involvement with someone online, keeping secrets from one's partner, flirting? How about just secretly viewing online pornography? When are you being unfaithful to your partner?
Many therapists consider infidelity to include any other relationship that drains energy from the couple and contains an element of secrecy. What's your definition? It may be an important conversation to have with your partner.
Friday, October 24, 2008
New Viagra Study
If you're a woman who's experiencing orgasm delay, low libido, or lack of lubrication as a result of antidepressant use, you may be interested in the results of a recent study reported in the July issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association.
Ninety-eight women with sexual disorders associated with antidepressant use were randomly assigned to take viagra or a placebo about one to two hours before sexual activity. 73% of the women taking the placebo reported no improvement in sexual response whereas only 28% of the viagra group saw no improvement.
This is important because sexual impairment is a leading reason for non-compliance with prescribed antidepressant treatment. People should not have to choose between depression and an impaired sex life. If your antidepressant is creating havoc with your sexual functioning, talk to your doctor before discontinuing treatment. You may be able to have your cake and eat it, too.
Ninety-eight women with sexual disorders associated with antidepressant use were randomly assigned to take viagra or a placebo about one to two hours before sexual activity. 73% of the women taking the placebo reported no improvement in sexual response whereas only 28% of the viagra group saw no improvement.
This is important because sexual impairment is a leading reason for non-compliance with prescribed antidepressant treatment. People should not have to choose between depression and an impaired sex life. If your antidepressant is creating havoc with your sexual functioning, talk to your doctor before discontinuing treatment. You may be able to have your cake and eat it, too.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Prairie Voles
Did you catch the article on "vole love" in the Courier's science section on Monday? Scientists studying prairie voles discovered that close monogamous relationships alter the chemistry of the brain. Monogamy causes the release of a compound that builds loyalty and also plays a role in depression during times of separation.
Human brains have the same loyalty chemical and may be subject to a similar impact following the loss of a partner. One of the authors of the study said the experiment might help explain the longing people feel for partners who are absent and might also shed light on why couples remain in bad relationships.
The brain chemical responsible for maintaining the loyalty bonds is CRF (corticotropin-releasing factor). There are drug companies working on drugs that act on CRF to treat depression and anxiety disorders. I don't know that we'll ever have a quick fix for grief, but it's nice to know that our brains are giving monogamy a little boost.
Human brains have the same loyalty chemical and may be subject to a similar impact following the loss of a partner. One of the authors of the study said the experiment might help explain the longing people feel for partners who are absent and might also shed light on why couples remain in bad relationships.
The brain chemical responsible for maintaining the loyalty bonds is CRF (corticotropin-releasing factor). There are drug companies working on drugs that act on CRF to treat depression and anxiety disorders. I don't know that we'll ever have a quick fix for grief, but it's nice to know that our brains are giving monogamy a little boost.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Desperate Housewives
I confess - watching "Desperate Housewives" on Sunday nights is one of my guilty pleasures. The show doesn't typically provide many good examples of healthy sexuality, but last week was an exception. Gabby, who in past seasons has slept with her teenage gardener, was complaining about the lackluster quickies at 11:00 p.m. that had come to replace the previously passionate sex life with her husband. But she didn't stop at complaining. She went to great lengths to arrange a weekly play date for their daughter so they could have hot sex in the middle of the afternoon when they both still had some energy. The fact that the play date didn't work out and the daughter caught them in the middle of the act just added an additional story line.
Gabby did something else interesting. She inquired of her blind husband, Carlos, what it was like to have sex as a blind person. Carlos decided to show rather than tell and proceeded to blindfold her. Taking away sight produced an erotic encounter that emphasized the other senses.
It was nice to see a married couple on TV working to improve their sex life. Made me feel a little less guilty over my Sunday TV viewing.
Gabby did something else interesting. She inquired of her blind husband, Carlos, what it was like to have sex as a blind person. Carlos decided to show rather than tell and proceeded to blindfold her. Taking away sight produced an erotic encounter that emphasized the other senses.
It was nice to see a married couple on TV working to improve their sex life. Made me feel a little less guilty over my Sunday TV viewing.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
After the Talk
After talking to your partner about ways to improve your sex life, be patient. Let your partner know how much it means that they are willing to make your sexual relationship a higher priority. If your partner doesn't experience spontaneous feelins of desire, they have to be very intentional about creating space and energy for sex to occur. That requires a serious commitment. Don't over-react to relapses and look for opportunities to reinforce positive changes, no matter how small.
Above all, don't return to pressure tactics or put-downs. Nothing will shut down your partner's interest faster than being made to feel not good enough. With enough pressure you might get some obligatory sex, but that's usually quite a bit less than satisfying. Aim for quality over quantity, and you may even get more of the latter.
Above all, don't return to pressure tactics or put-downs. Nothing will shut down your partner's interest faster than being made to feel not good enough. With enough pressure you might get some obligatory sex, but that's usually quite a bit less than satisfying. Aim for quality over quantity, and you may even get more of the latter.
Monday, October 20, 2008
'The Talk'
If previous conversations with your partner about sex have been laced with sarcasm and put-downs, you're gong to have to approach this talk gingerly. Making sure the relationship is on solid ground is a prerequisite. Then try sharing why you feel that the sexual part of your relationship is important. Share what you get from your lovemaking and what rewards you anticipate for both of you if there is an improvement in your sex life.
Stay positively focused and recall what has been special about your sexual relationship. Apologize for the ways that you allowed distance to slip into the relationship. Let your partner know that you regret any negativity or pressure that you've been responsible for. Ask what your partner needs from you to increase their sexual interest and how you can be a more desirable mate.
Listen carefully to your partner's responses. You may not hear exactly what you want to hear, but you might hear something that will help get things moving in a better direction.
Stay positively focused and recall what has been special about your sexual relationship. Apologize for the ways that you allowed distance to slip into the relationship. Let your partner know that you regret any negativity or pressure that you've been responsible for. Ask what your partner needs from you to increase their sexual interest and how you can be a more desirable mate.
Listen carefully to your partner's responses. You may not hear exactly what you want to hear, but you might hear something that will help get things moving in a better direction.
Friday, October 17, 2008
You Want It - Your Partner Doesn't
Generating sexual interest from an unresponsive partner is tricky business. Nagging, complaining, pouting, and withdrawing just feed the problem. If you want to improve your sexual relationship, you need a different approach.
The first step is taking the temperature of your overall relationship. The sex life with your partner doesn't exist in a vacuum. Until you fix any big sources of friction and distance in your relationship, you can't reasonably expect your partner to embrace your goal of a lusty love life.
Listen carefully to your partner and begin working harder to meet their non-sexual needs. Stop using your partner's sexual rejection as a justification for withholding what they want from you. Demonstrate your interest in being a better partner. Begin building more romance into your relationship - without expecting a sexual 'reward'. Your partner needs to feel valued for more than your sexual fulfillment.
Then it's time to talk. On Monday, I'll post on how-to's for 'The Talk'.
The first step is taking the temperature of your overall relationship. The sex life with your partner doesn't exist in a vacuum. Until you fix any big sources of friction and distance in your relationship, you can't reasonably expect your partner to embrace your goal of a lusty love life.
Listen carefully to your partner and begin working harder to meet their non-sexual needs. Stop using your partner's sexual rejection as a justification for withholding what they want from you. Demonstrate your interest in being a better partner. Begin building more romance into your relationship - without expecting a sexual 'reward'. Your partner needs to feel valued for more than your sexual fulfillment.
Then it's time to talk. On Monday, I'll post on how-to's for 'The Talk'.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Food for Sex
I'm not talking today about sexy foods, but foods that help maintain your sexual health. The following list comes from superhotsex:
Zinc: The most important mineral for sexual behavior and fertility. Zinc helps create
enzymes that govern taste and smell - both crucial for sexual arousal. Foods
containing zinc include shellfish, egg, cheese, lamb, poultry, lentils, and brown rice.
Magnesium: This keeps your sex hormones balanced, aids sexual stamina, and is vital
for sexual sensitivity, arousal, ejaculation, and orgasm. Boost your levels with green leafy
vegetables, nuts, cheese, bananas, and cereal.
Calcium: It's needed for nerve transmission and muscle contraction associated with
male erection and female orgasm. Dairy products, green leafy vegetables, beans, prunes,
nuts, and dried fruits are good sources of calcium.
Vitamin C: While you're fighting off your next cold, you could also be boosting your sex
drive and strengthening your sex organs. Good sources are berries, citrus fruits, mangoes,
potatoes, and broccoli.
Basically, a healthy balanced diet will supply most of what you need for good sexual health, but in today's fast-food world, that can be a challenge. Knowing you're not just packing on pounds but also hurting your sex life might be a little extra incentive to avoid that next bag of cheetos.
Zinc: The most important mineral for sexual behavior and fertility. Zinc helps create
enzymes that govern taste and smell - both crucial for sexual arousal. Foods
containing zinc include shellfish, egg, cheese, lamb, poultry, lentils, and brown rice.
Magnesium: This keeps your sex hormones balanced, aids sexual stamina, and is vital
for sexual sensitivity, arousal, ejaculation, and orgasm. Boost your levels with green leafy
vegetables, nuts, cheese, bananas, and cereal.
Calcium: It's needed for nerve transmission and muscle contraction associated with
male erection and female orgasm. Dairy products, green leafy vegetables, beans, prunes,
nuts, and dried fruits are good sources of calcium.
Vitamin C: While you're fighting off your next cold, you could also be boosting your sex
drive and strengthening your sex organs. Good sources are berries, citrus fruits, mangoes,
potatoes, and broccoli.
Basically, a healthy balanced diet will supply most of what you need for good sexual health, but in today's fast-food world, that can be a challenge. Knowing you're not just packing on pounds but also hurting your sex life might be a little extra incentive to avoid that next bag of cheetos.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Sex for the Blues
I've previously discussed the power of touch in reducing stress. Loving caresses and warm hugs reduce the level of cortisol in your body which produces a calming effect. I'm sure you've experienced a release of tension in both giving and receiving touch. Even stroking your cat or dog tends to lower blood pressure and have a soothing impact, so you can imagine what sex can do for you.
In addition to the pleasant sensations produced by touch, sex delivers an additional boost for women. Did you know that semen contains dopamine, the pleasure neurotransmitter? There is research demonstrating that women in monogamous relationships who have sex without condoms report lower levels of depression than a comparable group whose partners used condoms. Pretty cool research!
So if you're stressed or depressed, you might want to try having more sex. No side effects and a lot more fun than traditional treatments!
In addition to the pleasant sensations produced by touch, sex delivers an additional boost for women. Did you know that semen contains dopamine, the pleasure neurotransmitter? There is research demonstrating that women in monogamous relationships who have sex without condoms report lower levels of depression than a comparable group whose partners used condoms. Pretty cool research!
So if you're stressed or depressed, you might want to try having more sex. No side effects and a lot more fun than traditional treatments!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Shopping or Sex?
In a recent survey, 53% of American women said they preferred shopping over sex. Now maybe that's the same percentage that prefer scrubbing the toilet over sex, but if not, what's that all about? Is buying a new pair of jeans really that rewarding or is the sex just not that hot? These can't be the same women who claim they'd be more interested in sex if they weren't so tired - the energy expenditure in the average sexual encounter is small potatoes compared to the energy required to pound the concrete floors of a shopping mall for a couple of hours.
If you're a woman who would have voted with the 53%, what would it take for sex to outrank shopping? What would make sex something to look forward to? What would have to change? When you can answer those questions, share them with your partner. He needs to be clued in. Send them along to me, too, if you're so inclined. I'm interested.
If you're a woman who would have voted with the 53%, what would it take for sex to outrank shopping? What would make sex something to look forward to? What would have to change? When you can answer those questions, share them with your partner. He needs to be clued in. Send them along to me, too, if you're so inclined. I'm interested.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Sexual Requests
I frequently hear complaints from women whose partners are asking them to do something sexually that they're just not comfortable doing. Often it's not anything especially kinky - just something outside their comfort zone, like a new sexual position, enacting a fantasy, or talking 'dirty'.
You certainly have the right to refuse sexual requests that you find repugnant or completely unacceptable. However, being willing to stretch your comfort zone to include new sexual behaviors can be a gift to your partner and a boost to the intensity of your sex life.
The next time your partner wants to try something new, you might want to say you'll think about it instead of responding with a quick 'no'. Find out why your partner is suggesting it and share where your discomfort lies. Maybe there's a variation of the request or some small steps you would be willing to try. Taking a risk can bring you and your partner closer together - and you might find more enjoyment in it than you anticipated.
You certainly have the right to refuse sexual requests that you find repugnant or completely unacceptable. However, being willing to stretch your comfort zone to include new sexual behaviors can be a gift to your partner and a boost to the intensity of your sex life.
The next time your partner wants to try something new, you might want to say you'll think about it instead of responding with a quick 'no'. Find out why your partner is suggesting it and share where your discomfort lies. Maybe there's a variation of the request or some small steps you would be willing to try. Taking a risk can bring you and your partner closer together - and you might find more enjoyment in it than you anticipated.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Treading Carefully
It probably doesn't surprise you that there's a high correlation between sexual dissatisfaction and a reluctance to discuss sexual matters with a partner. In a survey of 100,000 married women, the wives' ability to talk about sex with their husbands was the strongest indicator of sexual satisfaction. And the more they talked, the happier they rated their sex lives.
But even though we live in a culture that is sexually saturated, sex talk still poses a problem for lots of couples. I often hear from a partner who has bravely tried to initiate a discussion of sexual preferences with their significant other and is met with silence or defensiveness. Embarrassment is an issue, of course, but feeling threatened in an area of great vulnerability is usually the trigger for a defensive reaction.
Any sexual feedback needs to be accompanied by a lot of reassurance and an emphasis on the positive. You can ask for what you want without criticizing what you're getting. It's an area where it's important to tread gingerly. Just don't allow the sensitivity to shut you down.
But even though we live in a culture that is sexually saturated, sex talk still poses a problem for lots of couples. I often hear from a partner who has bravely tried to initiate a discussion of sexual preferences with their significant other and is met with silence or defensiveness. Embarrassment is an issue, of course, but feeling threatened in an area of great vulnerability is usually the trigger for a defensive reaction.
Any sexual feedback needs to be accompanied by a lot of reassurance and an emphasis on the positive. You can ask for what you want without criticizing what you're getting. It's an area where it's important to tread gingerly. Just don't allow the sensitivity to shut you down.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Women's Fantasies
Women's fantasies are no less 'hot' than men's even though they may include more conversation and more narrative. Here are the top 20 female fantasies as reported by Tracey Cox in superhotsex:
- Fantasies about previous or anticipatory sex with a current partner
- Sex with a man other than partner
- Sex with a woman
- Sex with someone at work
- A threesome with two men
- Sex with a celebrity
- Being given expert oral sex
- Sex with a stranger
- Being found irresistible
- Being a sex worker
- Romantic fantasies
- Being deflowered as a sacrificial virgin
- Being watched by a voyeur
- Being forced to strip in front of a crowd of men
- Playing Mrs. Robinson and deflowering a male virgin
- Having an army of men as sex slaves
- Being 'forced' to have sex
- Starring in a porn film
- Being seduced by an authority figure
- S & M - being tied up and spanked or whipped
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Top Male Fantasies
Men's fantasy lives are filled with visual images and a focus on the physical, whereas women's fantasies are built more around a story. Men often think about things they've actually experienced, while women are likely to fantasize about things they've never done.
According to superhotsex by Tracey Cox, the following are the top 20 male fantasies:
According to superhotsex by Tracey Cox, the following are the top 20 male fantasies:
- Fantasies about previous or anticipatory sex with a current partner
- A threesome - usually watching two women having sex, then joining in
- Sex with a woman other than partner
- Anonymous, spontaneous sex with a stranger
- Group sex
- Unending oral sex
- Anal sex
- Secretly watching a woman undress and masturbate
- Sex in a public or risky place
- Being seduced by an older woman
- Seducing a virgin
- Spying on two other people having sex
- Having sex with a friend's girlfriend
- S & M - being tied up and spanked or whipped
- Sex with forbidden people
- Sex with a sex worker
- Watching partner be taken by another man
- Sex with another man
- Being watched and applauded for sexual expertise
- A "pretend" rape scenario
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Sexual Cues
One last post on something heterosexuals can learn from gays and lesbians. It has to do with being tuned in and aware of your partner's level of arousal.
In Masters and Johnson's study, they found that straight men and women were not adept at identifying their partner's sexual cues: The straight man "became so involved in his own sexual tensions that he seemed relatively unaware of the degree of his partner's sexual involvement. There were only a few instances when the husband seemed fully aware of his wife's levels of sexual excitation and helped her to expand her pleasure..." And "rarely did a wife identify her husband's preorgasmic stage...and suspend him at this high level of sexual excitation..."
Gays and lesbians exhibited much greater skill in tuning into their partner's sexual responses. They teased each other and "tended to move slowly...and to linger at...[each] stage of stimulative response, making each step in tension increment something to be appreciated..."
It's not easy, balancing a focus on your own sensual pleasure with an attentiveness to your partner's responses. Sex is an intricate dance - and one that gets better with practice.
In Masters and Johnson's study, they found that straight men and women were not adept at identifying their partner's sexual cues: The straight man "became so involved in his own sexual tensions that he seemed relatively unaware of the degree of his partner's sexual involvement. There were only a few instances when the husband seemed fully aware of his wife's levels of sexual excitation and helped her to expand her pleasure..." And "rarely did a wife identify her husband's preorgasmic stage...and suspend him at this high level of sexual excitation..."
Gays and lesbians exhibited much greater skill in tuning into their partner's sexual responses. They teased each other and "tended to move slowly...and to linger at...[each] stage of stimulative response, making each step in tension increment something to be appreciated..."
It's not easy, balancing a focus on your own sensual pleasure with an attentiveness to your partner's responses. Sex is an intricate dance - and one that gets better with practice.
Monday, October 6, 2008
The Gender Gap
Doing to your partner what you'd like done to you causes some problems in straight couples' sexual encounters. I hear many women complain about partners going immediately for their crotch, and I hear men express impatience with all the foreplay that goes on strictly above the waist.
Another example: According to Masters, "Since rapid forceful stroking was the pattern of choice during male masturbation, it was also a consistent pattern during the male's manipulation of his female partner's clitoris. The lesbians' lighter touch was generally the more acceptable..." Similarly, husbands told the researchers that their wives "did not grasp the shaft of the penis tightly enough."
Being heterosexual doesn't have to be a major handicap in sexual interactions if you keep in mind the differences in what you find pleasurable and what your partner finds pleasurable. But, of course, knowing the differences involves talking about sex - something else gays seem better at than heterosexuals. The more openly and easily you can talk about what you do and don't enjoy in your sex life, the more you narrow the gender gap.
Another example: According to Masters, "Since rapid forceful stroking was the pattern of choice during male masturbation, it was also a consistent pattern during the male's manipulation of his female partner's clitoris. The lesbians' lighter touch was generally the more acceptable..." Similarly, husbands told the researchers that their wives "did not grasp the shaft of the penis tightly enough."
Being heterosexual doesn't have to be a major handicap in sexual interactions if you keep in mind the differences in what you find pleasurable and what your partner finds pleasurable. But, of course, knowing the differences involves talking about sex - something else gays seem better at than heterosexuals. The more openly and easily you can talk about what you do and don't enjoy in your sex life, the more you narrow the gender gap.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Gender Empathy
I just read another interesting study reported by Mary Roach in Bonk. She discovered a manuscript detailing the results of a study done by Masters and Johnson in 1979 comparing the laboratory sexual encounters of straight, gay, and lesbian couples. The 'best' sex - in terms of high levels of excitation - reportedly occurred between gay and lesbian couples because they took their time and moved slowly from one level of sexual interaction and stimulation to another.
"Another difference was that the lesbians were almost as aroused by what they were doing to their partner as was the partner herself." It was the partner's reaction that served as a turn-on. "Masters and Johnson's heterosexuals failed to grasp that if you lost yourself in the tease - in the pleasure and power of turning someone on - that that could be as arousing as being teased and turned on oneself." The heterosexuals exhibited a far greater goal orientation which interfered with maximizing pleasurable sensations along the way. The gay men "lavished attention on their partners' entired bodies" whereas the straight women focused primarily on their partner's penis.
"Masters points out that the heterosexuals were at a disadvantage [because]... doing unto your partner as you would do unto yourself only works well when you're gay." That's where gender empathy is a factor. More on that on Monday.
"Another difference was that the lesbians were almost as aroused by what they were doing to their partner as was the partner herself." It was the partner's reaction that served as a turn-on. "Masters and Johnson's heterosexuals failed to grasp that if you lost yourself in the tease - in the pleasure and power of turning someone on - that that could be as arousing as being teased and turned on oneself." The heterosexuals exhibited a far greater goal orientation which interfered with maximizing pleasurable sensations along the way. The gay men "lavished attention on their partners' entired bodies" whereas the straight women focused primarily on their partner's penis.
"Masters points out that the heterosexuals were at a disadvantage [because]... doing unto your partner as you would do unto yourself only works well when you're gay." That's where gender empathy is a factor. More on that on Monday.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Perceived Arousal
In the last couple of posts, I've discussed the subtleties of female arousal and the connection between mind and body. As a result of these dynamics, women are often unaware of their bodies' sexual responses. As it turns out, however, women's genitals are amazingly responsive to a variety of sexual stimuli and are even less discriminating in their responses than men!
Studies on men's and women's responses to pornographic images have shown that men are aroused only by images that fit their sexual orientation and interests while women exhibit immediate genital arousal in response to films of sexual activity, regardless of who is engaging in it. Women even registered a genital response to films of bonobos mating, whereas men did not.
Despite genital arousal, women in these studies often report feeling no sexual response to the films whatsoever. Mary Roach concludes that "...it is the mind that speaks a woman's heart, not the vaginal walls." In other words, lubrication can occur with no sense of emotional or sexual arousal, and it's perceived arousal that feeds sexual interest.
Bottom line, a woman's mind and emotions play a more significant role in sexual arousal than the response of her genitalia. But it's still nice to know that the genitals are so responsive. Sometimes the body has a wisdom of its own.
Studies on men's and women's responses to pornographic images have shown that men are aroused only by images that fit their sexual orientation and interests while women exhibit immediate genital arousal in response to films of sexual activity, regardless of who is engaging in it. Women even registered a genital response to films of bonobos mating, whereas men did not.
Despite genital arousal, women in these studies often report feeling no sexual response to the films whatsoever. Mary Roach concludes that "...it is the mind that speaks a woman's heart, not the vaginal walls." In other words, lubrication can occur with no sense of emotional or sexual arousal, and it's perceived arousal that feeds sexual interest.
Bottom line, a woman's mind and emotions play a more significant role in sexual arousal than the response of her genitalia. But it's still nice to know that the genitals are so responsive. Sometimes the body has a wisdom of its own.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
How to Get the Station
For women, learning to tune into their sexual responses may be easier said than done. Even female rats have difficulty with focus during sex. In The Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, Kinsey reports: "Cheese crumbs spread in front of a copulating pair of rats may distract the female, but not the male."
So how do you increase your focus? One approach is through mindfulness training. You can train yourself to tune out distractions and pay closer attention to physical sensations. Mary Roach reports on the results of a study with eighteen women who complained of arousal difficulties. After participating in mindfulness training, "...there was a significant jump in their ratings of how aroused they'd been feeling during sexual encounters."
Mindfulness is about being present in the moment - focusing on all the good feelings in your body instead of mentally ticking off items on your to-do list or worrying about your body being a turn-off to your partner. It's about stilling the mind - shutting down the chatter in the left hemisphere of the brain and learning to just be. It takes practice, but it's a skill that has payoffs both inside and outside the bedroom.
So how do you increase your focus? One approach is through mindfulness training. You can train yourself to tune out distractions and pay closer attention to physical sensations. Mary Roach reports on the results of a study with eighteen women who complained of arousal difficulties. After participating in mindfulness training, "...there was a significant jump in their ratings of how aroused they'd been feeling during sexual encounters."
Mindfulness is about being present in the moment - focusing on all the good feelings in your body instead of mentally ticking off items on your to-do list or worrying about your body being a turn-off to your partner. It's about stilling the mind - shutting down the chatter in the left hemisphere of the brain and learning to just be. It takes practice, but it's a skill that has payoffs both inside and outside the bedroom.
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