Men's Programming

I've been talking about women in the last several posts - how they can claim their sexuality, expand their definition of what it means to be sexual, and begin paying close attention to the times when they are in touch with their sexual energy. All of these things are difficult, not only because of ageing, but because women were not programmed to be full sexual beings. But how about men? Their programming was very different - so how come so many men are suffering from low sexual desire?


Men were programmed to be sexual opportunists - to get it whenever, whereever, and with whomever they can. As males come into adolescence, their sex drive commands a lot of their attention and their frequent erections are anything but subtle signs of sexual interest. But being sexually driven - and being given permission to be sexual - does not equal sexual wholeness. When testosterone levels decrease and there's no longer a sexual thought every two minutes, men who have relied solely on their sex drive and always reliable erections for their sexual identity can feel lost and 'less like a man'. I'll post tomorrow about how men can claim more sexual wholeness.

Looking for Clues

Yesterday's post was about how to be a sexual person when spontaneous sexual thoughts or feelings are few and far between. Here's another inroad: think about the times when you DO feel sexy or just in touch with yourself as a sexual being. What's different about those times? Are you rested and relaxed? Have you had a glass of wine? Have you found a way to put your to-do list on hold? Are you wearing something you feel good in? Have you just read an erotic love scene from a novel?

Those questions just scratch the surface. Probe for hints and clues to the things that spark your sexual imagination and provide a way to tap into your sexual energy. There may be more avenues into your sexuality than you think.

Expanding Your Sexuality

I've gotten several emails lately from women who once derived great joy from sex but now find that it never even crosses their mind. These women feel a sense of loss over the absence of spontaneous desire that once fueled their sexual interest.

When the hormones driving desire begin to wane, it's not as easy to feel like the juicy, sexy person you once were. As a young person, your sexuality was defined by your desire and by the desire of your partner. As you age, it's important to expand your definition of what it means to be sexual. Your sexuality encompasses your whole identity as a female, your passion for life, your sensual enjoyment of a cup of coffee out on the deck or a massage from your partner, your ability to accept and enjoy your body, your innocent flirtation with the good-looking waiter, your joy in holding your grandchildren - you get the idea. The more you can stay in the moment and experience life with all of your senses, the more sexual you'll feel. Maybe not the horniness of earlier days, but a fuller, deeper experience of what it really means to be sexual.

Sexual Cues

What gets you in the mood? Are there certain cues that get your motor running? Does your partner know exactly what arouses your interest?

It's important to know your sexual cues so that you can nurture your sexual interest. It also pays to share those cues with your partner so that they know exactly what they can do to increase the chance of getting to 'yes' when they want to get something going. Maybe it's a foot rub, a neck massage, a certain outfit, a long slow kiss, an erotic movie, a hot bath, snuggling on the couch, a nibble on the ear, the smell of your lover's cologne, or reminiscing about recent sexual adventures.

Pay attention to what turns you on - and don't forget to clue in your partner.

Claiming Your Sexuality

If your primary experience of your sexuality has been as a sexual object, then you have never really claimed your sexuality. You certainly may have been very sexual, but that is not the same as fully owning your sexuality.

Becoming the subject of your sex life - owning your sexuality - means:

Becoming a sexual being with your own sexual needs, feelings, and desires;
Learning to express those needs, feelings, and desires:
Making peace with your body and learning to be IN your body;
Taking responsibility for nurturing your sexual desire;
Setting, voicing, and enforcing clear sexual boundaries;
Learning to manage differences in sexual desire in a relationship;
Developing a language and comfort in discussing sexual issues.

By tuning into your sexuality, you can leave the bit parts behind and achieve a starring role
in your sex life!

Sex Object to Sex Subject

Females' early training in sexuality revolves around attracting male attention - being an object of desire. Just watch some adolescent girls hanging out at the movie theater or wherever young people gather. The hair, the makeup, the tight jeans and exposed midriffs, the body language - all are designed to arouse the sexual interest of the boys. How many of those girls are in touch with their own sexual feelings? How many are really prepared to deal with the sexual interest of the boys they're attracting?

Now think about those teenage girls growing up into adult women. At what point do they become fully sexual creatures in their own right? When do they tune into their sexual feelings and become more than responders to male sexual desire? Until women move from being the object to the subject of their sex lives, low desire will continue to be a problem.

I'll talk in future posts about how women can make that transition.

More Baby Steps

After challenging - and hopefully quieting - the shaming and guilt-inducing voices inside your head, it's helpful to do some reading about sex. There are many good sex manuals available these days - just go to your local bookstore or check out some titles on amazon.com.

Then gradually begin introducing some behaviors that will help you become more comfortable with sex. Tune into your senses, move more awareness into your body, explore your body's response to touch, and explore non-sexual touch with your partner. You don't need to rush. If something you try feels too uncomfortable, go back to the previous step and stay there for awhile before moving on. If you're trying new things with your partner, ask them to go slowly and to be patient with you. Continue to challenge any shaming messages that come up. Take some deep breaths.

The reprogramming process may take awhile, but it's well worth the effort. You deserve to have a sex life that's comfortable and that enriches your relationship.

Baby Steps

When you're working on reprogramming some negative messages and feelings about sex, it's ok to make those steps out of your comfort zone very small ones. You might begin by identifying who the guilt and shame-inducing voices belong to - your mom, your grandfather, your minister? Decide if the views delivered by those voices synch up with your current values and beliefs. Do you believe that sex is dirty - that men only want one thing - that to touch your genitals is nasty - that you shouldn't have to talk about sex - that 'nice' women aren't sexy?

If the old messages don't reflect your belief system, begin talking back to them. Challenge them - again and again and again - until they no longer feel true. You didn't get to choose how you learned about sex, but you do get to choose now what to chuck and what to keep. You can decide to adopt sex-affirming beliefs that will allow you to enjoy sex and claim a passion you never knew you were missing.

Reprogramming

Negative sexual programming - from society, family, religion - can put a significant crimp in your comfort level with sexuality and make you squirm at the mere thought of poking and prodding into the whole dirty business. If you're a squirmer, you probably don't think much about sex at all. You're not in touch with your sexual feelings, and it's difficult when you do have sex to relax enough to really enjoy the moment.

In order to reprogram your sexuality, you have to be willing to step out of your comfort zone. That's not easy because stepping out of your safe place will make you - well, uncomfortable. But unless you're willing to stand up to fear and discomfort, you'll be unlikely to discover the sexual joy that lies waiting for you right outside your comfort zone. You have to decide that sex is important enough to warrant feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

Tomorrow I'll talk about some ways to do that.

Yummm.....

Your lips, mouth, and tongue are exquisitely tuned to give and receive pleasure with your lover, both through taste as well as through touch. Licking, sucking, and nibbling can provide an endless variety of sexual pleasure. Get back to the days of long, slow kisses - and don't confine the kisses to your lips!

Eating is also a sensuous and pleasurable experience. Try feeding your partner and allow them to feed you - blindfolded. Incorporate new tastes into your lovemaking through flavored lubricants. Refrain from using body lotions prior to sex which can leave a bad taste in your lover's mouth. Women - use mouthwash flavored with cinnamon - a scent which is a turn-on for men.

If you've gotten lazy and stopped kissing and nibbling your partner, it's time to get your mouth muscles moving for something other than office gossip - you'll get an immediate charge to your sexual battery.

Eddie - Where are you?

Whenever I smell English Leather, I'm immediately transported back in time to a junior high dance where I'm slow-dancing with Eddie - who didn't go lightly when he sprayed himself with his dad's cologne. Smells, like music, tend to get deeply imprinted and create strong associations with people and places. Think about what associations pop up when you smell cotton candy, October's fallen leaves, the ocean, or bread baking in the oven.

What smells do you associate with your lover? Are there smells that you know are a turn-on for your partner? Just because you've been together for a hundred years doesn't mean that it's no longer important for your breath to be fresh and your body to be fragrant. Wear the cologne that your partner likes best. Create heavenly smells in the kitchen and place flowers in the bedroom. The sense of smell is an important conduit to our sexuality. Take time to discover what smells act as an aphrodisiac for you and for your partner.

Back In Touch

Touch is the language of lovers. Sad that we often get 'out of touch' with our life partner. Try rediscovering the joys of touch in your relationship - both in and out of the bedroom.

Touch can be playful, affectionate, passionate, relaxing, comforting, nurturing, and so much more. Practice communicating different moods and feelings to your partner strictly through touch. Spend a day just focusing on all the sensations you experience through your sense of touch - the warmth of the sun on your skin, the wind hitting your face through the car window, the squish of the carpet under your feet, the comforting embrace of a friend. Take turns giving and receiving massage with your partner. Sleep in the nude. Stay connected to your partner through skin-to-skin contact.

Listen Up

When was the last time you whispered sweet nothings in your lover's ear or slow-danced to your special song? Are you really listening to the answer when you ask about your partner's day? Through the gift of hearing, we can be comforted, excited, connected, and moved to deep levels of emotion.

Try being a little more intentional in using sound to enhance your relationship. Practice talking with a pleasing tonality. Create soothing sounds in your home environmet. Turn off the drone of the TV when no one is watching and replace it with your favorite music. Music can transport you back to the early days of your courtship and bring back all those 'lovin' feelings'. If you play a musical instrument, play it for your partner. Sing along with your partner to the tunes on the car radio. Give your partner a compliment. Try saying 'I love you' in a way that gets your partner's attention. Sharpen your listening skills and see what you may have been missing.

The Eyes Have It!

In an earlier post, I talked about the tendency to save our best look for the outside world while our partner gets the dregs. That's a big mistake because our vision is very powerful in stirring up feelings of love and lust.

Do you put some effort into looking good for your partner? You did in the beginning - maybe it's time to bring back a little of that special attention you invested to elicit your partner's loving gaze. Listen to your partner's preferences in clothing and sometimes wear what they want you to wear. Display pictures of you and your partner embracing. Look deeply into your partner's eyes. Keep your eyes open while making love. Take time to visually appreciate your partner's body. Flirt with your eyes. Make eye contact when talking with your partner. Do a slow strip-tease for your partner on your next sex date.

Try making your own list of ways to maximize your sense of sight to enhance your love life.

Using Your Senses

Did you ever think about your senses as an inroad to your sexuality? By fully engaging all of your senses - sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch - you stay tuned in and turned on to your sexuality.

During your courting days, you probably went to great lengths to look, sound, feel, smell, and taste good to your partner. You worked hard to accent your sexual desirability and your senses were finely tuned to respond to input from your lover. To bring back some of the heightened sexual interest of your dating days, begin using your senses to rev up your sexual engine.

Over the next several days, I'll share some ideas for making the most of your five senses in your love life.

Alcohol - Aphrodesiac or Anesthetic?

Everybody knows that a couple of drinks can relax your mind, lower your inhibitions, and put you in the 'mood for love'. But when a couple of drinks becomes more like three, four, or five, alchol's depressant effect kicks in and snoring may be a lot more likely than sizzling.

I've heard lots of complaints about partners who come home from work, down 3 or 4 glasses of wine or 6-8 beers over the course of the evening, and fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV.
Not exactly a recipe for love - or love-making. Even if the interest is there, too much booze interferes with sexual performance - so you might get something started that you can't finish.

Bottom line - if you want a healthy sex life, watch your alcohol intake. The very thing that sexes you up may very well end up letting you down.

Men, too?

The stereotype of married sex is the poor deprived husband always trying to 'get some' from his tired, disinterested wife. But there are plenty of households where the roles are reversed.

Men are subject to many of the same desire-killers as women: stress, resentment, fatigue, medication side effects, depression, alcohol abuse, etc. Even though men have up to 100 times more testosterone than women, they too can lose interest in sex. Men just tend to talk less about it since they may feel it reflects poorly on their manhood.

So if you're a man who's no longer in hot pursuit - or you're a woman who's no longer being pursued - you've got a lot of company. Now it's up to you to decide what you want to do about it.

Fantasy - Friend or Foe?

I received an email from a woman concerned about the role of fantasy in her sex life. "I've been married for 23 years and my husband and I have a good sexual relationship. But since going through menopause, I have less desire than I used to and I often have to fantasize to get myself to respond sexually. I hate it that my husband isn't enough to turn me on, and I feel guilty about the secret scenarios playing in my head."

Fantasy is a normal part of sexuality and often plays a more important role as familiarity with a partner and waning desire set in. Sharing fantasies with your partner and even acting out certain fantasies can keep you plugged into the action and your partner. Or you can use fantasy to jumpstart your desire and then tune into the current action. If you feel like you're over-relying on fantasy to get turned on, you may need to introduce more variety into your sexual routine. Talk to your partner and learn how make fantasy your friend.

Breaking Up Boredom

I've talked about the importance of changing up your sexual routine to keep things interesting, but novelty is also important outside the sexual arena. If your relationship is basically on solid ground but you've fallen into a rut, your sex life will benefit if you put some more excitement into your life as a couple.

Try learning something new together. Take up salsa lessons, sign up for a foreign language class, or visit some wineries to discover some new wines. If you're up for a little more adventure, do some snorkeling or scuba diving, go horseback riding, or learn how to sail. When you engage in activities with your partner that are a little scary, dopamine is released in the brain which enhances both pleasure and bonding.

Don't let boredom zap your zest for life. Keeping things fresh is energizing - both inside and outside the bedroom.

Passion and Play

In the last post, I talked about food play - but you were probably taught not to play with your food. Actually, you may have forgotten how to play altogether!

Somewhere along the way to being a grownup, many adults lose their childlike ability to let loose, be silly, and have high-energy fun. What often passes for play these days is dinner and a movie or a casual get-together with friends for a cookout. Not that there's anything wrong with that - but when was the last time you had blow-it-all-out, laugh until it hurts kind of fun? Dancing like a crazy person, playing a rousing game of pictionary, having a water balloon or snowball fight, running some whitewater rapids - have you put that kind of play behind you?

Good sex has a passionate and playful element. When passion and play come up missing in your everyday life, they're probably going to be missing in your sex life, as well. Make your next date a play date and see if it doesn't spark some passion with your partner.

Food Play

Food can be incredibly erotic, whether eating it, feeding it to each other, or licking it off your lover's body. You might just find some of the best sex toys ever right in your kitchen!

Why not start by taking some delectable goodies into bed with you that have a lot of sex appeal, like grapes, chocolate, strawberries, or olives, and then take turns feeding each other. You might want to try it with the taster being blindfolded so that each morsel is a surprise. Once the blindfold is off, you can move on to eating foods that provide great sexual imagery, like bananas, mangoes, and peaches.


After the feast for the eyes and the taste buds, you might want to crank things up a notch by introducing the sense of touch. Slowly drizzling an ice cream topping like chocolate sauce, caramel, or raspberry syrup onto your partner's body and then licking and nibbling it off is guaranteed to get the juices going - and not just your saliva.


Let your imagination run wild and your kitchen can become your own little sex shop.

Good Vibrations, Part 2

Most women use vibrators to stimulate the clitoris. The best results are achieved by varying the pressue and the speed as the vibrator is moved around the genitals.

The ones shaped like a penis can also be inserted into the vagina, a use that is less popular because of fewer nerve endings inside the vagina. Some women worry about becoming dependent on a vibrator as a sexual aid and fear they will not be able to reach orgasm any other way - a fear that has proven to be largely unfounded.

Men can also enjoy a vibrator. He can run the vibrator along the shaft of the penis, the base, the scrotum and the perineum.

And, of course, vibrators are not just for solo play. Couples can incorporate a vibrator into their sex play with each other by massaging each other and teasing the genitals. Experiement with different attachments, different kinds of touch, and various erogenous zones. Let the vibrations roll!

Good Vibrations

Confused about how to choose a vibrator and exactly what to do with it once you get it? Vibrators come in all colors, shapes and sizes and are made from different kinds of materials. Most are battery-operated - though some can be plugged into an electrical outlet - and have controls for speed and intensity. Choosing one is really a matter of personal preference. You'll find the best selection in a sex shop or sex boutique, and if you need help, don't hesitate to ask the sales clerk who is often very knowledgeable. If you wouldn't be caught dead inside a sex shop, vibrators are frequently sold as massagers in drug stores and department stores They can also be purchased on-line or through mail-order catalogues.

When making your selection, think about how it will fit your hand, how the weight feels, and whether it's comfortable to hold. Spring for one of the more expensive models if you can as they are usually built better and are quieter.

Tomorrow I'll talk about how vibrators can be used to enhance sexual pleasure.

Get Moving!

Everyone knows that exercise helps to maintain a healthy weight and improves overall health, but you may not know that exercise can also score you some points in the sexual arena.

Exercise moves your awareness into your body - and once you're more present in your body, you're more likely to be tuned into even small flickerings of desire. Activities that increase circulation in the lower body such as running, walking, cycling, or kick-boxing, also improve the blood flow to the genitals - which in turn improves sexual responsiveness. Just pulling on your jogging shorts and lacing up your sneakers can make you feel more energized and alive - and that's definitely sexy.

Don't Wait to Lose Weight

Sexy comes in a lot of shapes and sizes, but excess weight can lead to physical problems which might just shut down your sex life. High cholesterol and diabetes can cause impotence or erection difficulties in men and cause restricted blood flow to the clitoris in women. Higher rates of body fat also decrease the amount of free testosterone available for kick-starting desire.

The good news is that even small changes can make a difference. Losing just 10 pounds can free up testosterone and ramp up desire. Eating less sugar and fewer carbohydrates, while increasing your fruis and vegetables, can improve your overall health and increase your sex drive even if you don't lose a significant amount of weight. So if you need another reason to shed a few pounds, add sex to your list!

What's Normal?

Most studies estimate that low sexual desire affects one out of 3 women and one out 7 men. So if you're struggling to keep up a lively sex life with your mate, you've got a lot of company.

But what is normal? How often are other people 'doing it'? According to many surveys, the average sexual frequency for married couples is 1 to 2 times a week, often less when there are small children and demanding work schedules. Of course, 'normal' is a loaded term - one that suggests that if you're having more or less sex than the average couple, you're 'abnormal' - and that's just not the case.

How often do you want to have sex? Once a day - once a week - once a month? How about your partner? Somewhere between your ideal frequency and your partner's ideal frequency is probably where you're going to find the most satisfaction. If that number puts you above or below the national average, don't sweat it. It's what works in your relationship that counts.

Taking Sex Out of the Bedroom

If 100% of your sex life takes place in the bedroom, it may be time to take it on the road - or at least to different rooms of your house. Whether you try out the new mattress in the guest room, clear the dining room table for a different kind of dinner party, or find a new use for the kitchen sink, changing the location of your lovemaking is sure to add some spark to your sex life.

If you're up for a little more adventure, think about places outside your house where you'd like to make love - or at least make out. Though discretion is important, a small element of risk often adds to the excitement. Necking in the car, at the movies, in an elevator - playing footsie under the table at a restaurant - frolicking outdoors when you find yourselves alone in the woods, in the sand dunes, in the water - there are endless possibilities for creating special erotic encounters. So leave the comfort and safety of your bed once in a while for a little higher octane fun!