Not Her Own Desire

I was reading a novel by Joyce Carol Oates recently and came across a passage I thought was a good description of how so many women experience desire. Here's the quote, from Black Water: "As he kissed her those several times, kissing, sucking, groping....she felt the jolt of desire: not her desire, but the man's. As, since girlhood, kissing and being kissed, Kelly Kelleher had always felt, not her own, but the other's, the male's, desire. Quick and galvanizing as an electric shock. Feeling too, once she caught her breath, that familiar wave of anxiety, guilt -- I've made you want me, now I can't refuse you."

Even women who've gotten in touch with their own desire often depend on men to activate it. Set the mood, whisper the right words, touch the right places and then maybe she'll get turned on enough to be a full participant.

Part of claiming your sexuality is taking responsibility for turning yourself on. Not that your partner doesn't have a significant role to play, but being completely responsible for your sexual responses is an unfair burden to impose on your partner. It's time for sexual equality - both inside and outside of the bedroom.

Swinging

Statistics on the number of people who engage in swinging are hard to come by, but it's probably more than you would guess. Or maybe I'm just tainted by the number of times I hear about it in my practice. The people who belong to swinger's clubs are often the ones you would least suspect - the PTA president, the couple you sit next to at your grandson's softball games, the couple who help pass the collection plates at church - seemingly solid, ordinary citizens.

The rationale for swinging typically has to do with spicing up a couple's sex life. The couple believes that as long as swapping partners is done openly and honestly, it doesn't pose a risk to their relationship. In fact, I've heard many couples report that having sex with others actually improves sex with each other.

So what's the down side to swinging? Again, I may be tainted because the couples I see are the ones who are experiencing some problems, but I believe it's a hard lifestyle to sustain without problems. It may start off ok. It's exciting and different and intense. But often attachments develop. What follows are unsanctioned, secret liasions which contain the same betrayal as any affair. Keeping everything on the up and up - strictly physical, total disclosure - is a balancing act that's hard for most couples to manage. Partnerships are tough enough to manage without adding high-risk behavior to the mix. My advice? Play it out in fantasy - there's a lot less to lose.

Cancer Prevention

It's hard to figure out whether frequent sex makes people healthier or healthier people just have more sex. But when it comes to cancer, the link between frequent sexual activity and lower risk of certain cancers seems relatively clear.

The results of several studies indicate that the more men ejaculated between the ages of 20 and 50, the less likely they were to develop prostate cancer. That may be because ejaculation prevents carcinogens from building up in the prostate gland. There was no distinction made in the study between ejaculations resulting from masturbation and those that occurred during sex.

There is also some evidence suggesting that sex may decrease the risk of breast cancer. The studies are smaller and not as definitive, but it's been theorized that the regular production of oxytocin may aid in the elimination of carcinogenic fluid from the breast. This could occur during breast feeding or sexual activity.

More research needs to be done into the link between sexual activity and physical health, but preliminary results point to real health benefits from regular sexual activity. It's certainly a more entertaining preventative than an hour on the treadmill.

The Benefits of Kissing

Did you catch the article on kissing in last Sunday's USA Weekend? Interestingly enough, it was the science column for the week rather than the relationship column. Scientists have found that kissing lowers the levels of cortisol in the body for both men and women and increases the amount of oxytocin for men. Cortisol is a stress hormone, and oxytocin is a hormone which promotes bonding and attachment.

Because of the stress-reduction and connection produced by a kiss, the article concluded that kissing is "biologically geared toward making both parties feel better after a fight". Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, believes that a post-fight kiss is more powerful for men than for women.

But there's an extra kick in a kiss for women. Women receive testosterone through a man's saliva during kissing which can stimulate sexual desire. That just might lead to some great make-up sex.

Female Obstacle to Desire

There's a kernel of truth in every stereotype. So, though there are plenty of men dealing with low desire, it's a bigger problem for women. I've discussed the fact that women have lower levels of testosterone than men and that women have difficulty in claiming their sexuality due to their early conditioning as sex objects. But there's more to it than that.

Women's sexuality is less elemental than men's - less purely physical. A woman's sexuality is more tied into her brain than her genitalia. That is why a woman may struggle to get turned on when her thoughts are on how to get mom to take her meds correctly or whether to respond to a snippy email from her boss. It's also why 'small' distractions like children who are not yet asleep or overnight guests in the house can completely shut down any sexual interest or ability to respond sexually. Most men just don't seem to have a major problem with that.

Women can work on clearing the mind prior to a tryst so that sexual thoughts stand a fighting chance - and they can use a locked door and music to fend off distractions - but the reality is that there's more complexity to female sexual response than is the case with men. It sometimes takes a lot for all systems to be 'go' - but it's worth the effort.

Sex and the Happy Vs. Unhappy Couple

The classic stereotype of married sex is that husbands want it a lot more than their wives. In previous posts, however, I've discussed the fact that there are many marriages in which its the wife who is frustrated by a sexually disinterested spouse. There are more men out there with low desire than most people would suspect.

I found it interesting that in Catherine Johnson's research on happy marriages, she found that in happy couples the most common sexual problem tended to be too little sex for the husband. In the unhappy couple, the sexual problem was often too little sex for the wife. She concluded that "...the 'best' sexual problem for a married couple to have..was for the husband to be actively interested in making love to a wife who was sometimes distracted by the demands of daily life."

It may be that more unhappiness results from a disinterested husband because it flies in the face of the stereotype. It's not that men don't feel any rejection when their overtures are rebuffed, but they may accept it more easily because of the assumption that men are just more 'highly sexed" than women. When women are rebuffed, they are more likely to assume that it's because their partner no longer finds them desirable.

You don't necessarily get to pick your marital problems, but in light of this research, it would be wise to question your assumptions about differences in desire. Differences are always more easily resolved from a place of understanding rather than from assumptions.

Stereotypes Vs. Archetypes

Male and female stereotypes are typically limiting and often destructive. But male and female differences play a significant role in sexual attraction and passion. So in advocating equality between the sexes and promoting wholeness rather than rigidly defined role behavior, are we trying to eliminate the very thing that draws us toward the opposite sex?

The answer may lie in archetypes. Archetypes are more basic and primal than stereotypes. Male and female archetypes reflect a yin and yang in male/female relationships but acknowledge the feminine and masculine in each of us. Archetypes are ancient prototypes that are imbedded in our consiousness and are very influential in how we experience ourselves as males or females.

When people fall in love, they are deeply in touch with their maleness or femaleness. The electric sexual connection contains a strong element of male/female current that is based on difference. That's a difference to celebrate rather than eliminate.

Cycles of Passion

The intense rush of new love is fed by a chemical reaction in the brain. Eventually, the brain develops a tolerance for those chemicals just as it would develop a tolerance for cocaine. But because the brain is responsive to changes in chemical levels, couples in long-term relationships often experience cycles of passion.

When there are periods of low sexual activity - when a partner is traveling, during an illness, following childbirth, or just times of extreme busyness - the brain regains some of its sensitivity to a life-long partner. The increased sensitivity can lead to a more charged sexual relationship.

The natural ebb and flow of desire that couples experience over time can actually help prevent sexual boredom. Varying the frequency of sexual activity may be significant in recapturing the highs that keep things interesting. Couples usually don't have to plan for those variations - life just has a way of interrupting our best-'laid' plans. But during those times of lean sexual activity, it's helpful to remember that you may be building toward more intense sexual involvement.

On-going Attraction

Have you ever seen one of those interviews with couples in their 80's or 90's discussing how they've managed to stay together for 60 years or more? I've always been touched when I hear these white-haired, liver-spotted, frail men and women describe each other as "the most beautiful woman in the world" or "still the most handsome man I've ever met". Maybe you're thinking they have dementia or are just delusional. But I think it's more than that.

No one escapes the effects of aging. Wrinkles appear, hair disappears (but then crops up in the strangest places), weight accumulates, and gravity takes its toll. So, over the long haul, how do lovers maintain the physical attraction they initially felt for one another?

The romantic idealization that occurs during courtship doesn't end completely when the romantic phase of the relationship draws to a close. Catherine Johnson, who wrote a book called Lucky in Love, puts it this way: "In happy marriages idealization simply is not a passing phase...It is, rather, an abiding and fundamental aspect of a couple's bond. And because of this on-going process of idealization, couples do no register the changes taking place in each other's bodies all that keenly. That first, radiant impression of each other lives on undimmed by time."

That doesn't mean you can't see how your partner has aged - it just doesn't fundamentally change your attraction to them. But that's assuming the relationship has remained loving and strong. So, if you're on solid ground with your partner, you may want to try using them as your mirror. You'll see a better reflection.

Sexual Connection

What kind of sexual connection do you share with your partner? Is there a sexual bond even when the sexual frequency is nothing to write home about? Do you still find your partner desirable and enjoy physical closeness with him/her?

Most happy marriages are characterized by an enduring sexual connection long after the initial passion has faded. Chemistry and physical attraction form a sexual base that color even the more mundane aspects of marital and family life. It helps hold a couple together through the ups and downs of life, and helps them remember that they are a couple - not roommates or business partners or a parenting team - but a couple.

If you've lost that connection, just having sex probably isn't going to restore it. You may need to address the relationship problems that eroded it. It is possible to get back 'that lovin' feeling'. If you're at a loss as how to begin, it's probably time to enlist the help of a therapist. It's a worthwhile investment.

Apologizing - Part 2

If you're one of those people who just can't seem to utter the simplest of apologies to your partner, you might want to take a closer look at what makes it so difficult.

How strong is your need to be 'right'? Maybe you're a perfectionist and being wrong just isn't acceptable. So you deflect blame, rationalize and justify your behavior, and make yourself into the victim when your partner is upset with you. As long as you can maintain the victim position(e.g. "She knew I'd had a bad day - she should never have asked for my help when she knew how tired I was - she's just too sensitive - everybody yells sometimes."), there's really no need to apologize.

Another closely related barrier to apologies is the difficulty with taking a one-down position. Going one-down can feel very vulnerable. It's giving up power - and for those couples who stay locked into power struggles, relinquishing any power doesn't feel safe. There's a fear of the partner exploiting any vulnerability and using it to their advantage.

If either of these dynamics is operating in your relationship, you might want to consider some individual and/or couple counseling. Freeing yourself from these barriers to intimacy can do wonders in improving your sexual relationship.

Apologizing

How easily do the words "I'm sorry" come out of your mouth? How often does your partner apologize when there's been hurt feelings or a misunderstanding? Most couples could benefit from a course in taking ownership, admitting mistakes, and offering apologies to one another.

Unless it's a major betrayal or a frequently repeated behavior, an apology makes it fairly easy to forgive the small disappointments and abrupt responses and hurtful remarks you experience from your partner. Without an apology, those little offenses are often stored up and turn into significant grievances and resentment. At the very least, they can ruin a perfectly good evening.
And, of course, forget about sex until things have blown over.

You might want to look in the mirror and practice saying: "I was wrong." and "I'm sorry." Those two simple phrases are incredibly powerful in promoting connection and keeping resentment from building in a relationship

Sex Battles

I've posted several times on how to address differences in desire in a relationship. Unfortunately, it's a rare week when I'm not working to help a couple move beyond the battles that have come to taint their sexual relationship. What can be a unifying force in a couple's relationship just as often divides and distances. One partner is accused of constant sexual pressure while the other is characterized as disinterested and rejecting.

If that dynamic sounds all too familiar to you, I would highly recommend a book by Michele Wiener-Davis, The Sex-Starved Marriage. The book does an excellent job of getting inside the hearts and minds of partners on both sides of the desire equation. Reading the section that describes your side of things, you start to feel like somebody really understands. And you feel less alone. Reading about your partner's perspective is often eye-opening.

The first step in negotiating a sexual truce is to stop getting polarized around the issue. You and your partner come from different places regarding sex, but you're not enemies. You can bridge the divide when you approach each other with understanding rather than with accusations.

Mama Mia

You may not be a fan of musicals, and you may look down your nose at the music of Abba, but if you want to see something fun and sexy, you should really take the time to see Mama Mia. There's no nudity and no lovemaking, but the high energy, exuberance, and sexy dance moves all add up to a movie that may help you remember what sexuality is all about.

The leading roles in the movie are played by seasoned (older) actors, and though Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan are certainly hot commodities, a number of the actors don't fit the stereotype of what is considered 'sexy' in our culture. But nonetheless, when they start putting the moves on, they ooze sexy.

I left the movie planning how I was going to start incorporating that kind of dancing into my exercise routine. Any exercise is a boost to your sexuality, but moving your hips and pelvis to a powerful beat does a little more to activate your inner vixen than a walk around the neighborhood. You may want to give it a try.

Male/Female Roles - Part 2

So if women are trained to subordinate their needs, what are men trained to do? Men learn early on that their needs are important, so they pay attention to them. They eat when they're hungry, rest when they're tired, seek out the most comfortable chair in the room, play a round of golf or watch a football game even if the to-do list hasn't been touched, and then act totally amazed when their worn-out partners are seething with resentment.

Sound sexist? Unfortunately, we still live in a sexist world. Stereotypes, of course, are gross generalizations that don't allow for individual differences and human complexity. But I hear these sex role stereotypes play out in my office every day in my work with couples. Personally, I think women would be a lot better off if they took a cue from men and started taking their own needs more seriously. And men would have much happier partners - and a better sex life - if they took a cue from women and toned down their egocentrism just a notch.

Somewhere in the middle there's a balance between caring for yourself and caring for your partner. Without that balance, sex often falls victim to power struggles and resentment. So if you want to improve your sex life, you might want to start with increasing the gender equity in your relationship.

Male/Female Roles

So why do women so often relinquish control of the remote to their partner? You could say it's because the man is the one more invested in the TV, but I too frequently hear complaints from women about sitting through constant channel surfing or their partner changing the channel just when something has caught their interest to believe that women simply don't care.

Women have been conditioned since birth to put others' needs before their own. That serves a useful purpose during childrearing, but it's a recipe for trouble in relationships. Making your partner's needs more important than your own usually leads to resentment down the road even if it doesn't feel like a big deal in the moment.

Women may also be motivated to accomodate and defer their own needs in order to avoid conflict. Many women are intimidated by men's anger even when it is not explosive or abusive.
They just don't want to 'rock the boat'.

And what role do men play in this dynamic? I'll explore that on Monday.

Stereotyping

Think back to grade school. What did you 'know' about boys? About girls? If you were to brainstorm a list of adjectives that describe each sex - based on your early learning - you would get a glimpse of the stereotypes that still reside somewhere within you.

In the politically correct outside world, you've probably chucked most of those stereotypes. You may have even stretched way beyond the limits of that early conditioning in the way you perceive yourself and the opposite sex. The old role behavior tends to manifest most clearly in couple relationships.

You may be the exception, but it's amazing how often men and women revert to stereotypical male/female behavior with their partners. I'm not talking here about who cuts the lawn and who changes the diapers (though there's still a lot of change needed in that arena), but how power is shared, how couples communicate, who does the most accomodating, who does the relationship-tending, who initiates sex, etc. Those dynamics have a direct bearing on intimacy and a couple's sexual relationship.

Think about your own relationship and see if you can identify stereotypical male/female patterns of relating. Start with who controls the remote.

More tomorrow...

Gender Equity & Sexual Satisfaction

I found a report in the University of Chicago Chronicle that summarized the results of a study that surveyed 27,500 men and women between the ages of 40 and 80 in 29 countries around the world about their sexual behavior and related satisfaction. Across most of the countries surveyed, substantial majorities of people with partners remain sexually active throughout the second half of their lives.

"At the beginning of the interview, respondents were asked if they were happy with their lives as a whole. The study found that subjective feelings of sexual well-being are strongly correlated with overall happiness for both men and women across all of the countries studied. Older couples who live in Western countries and who enjoy more equality between men and women are most likely to report being satisfied with their sex lives."

"In relationships based on equality, couples tend to develop sexual habits that are more in keeping with both partners' interests." Sounds like a no-brainer until you begin to take a closer look at what equality between the sexes really means. This country professes a feminist viewpoint, but sexual stereotyping remains imbedded in our consciousness.

Tomorrow I'll post about the impact of that stereotyping.

Another Reason to Use It

I've posted before on how staying sexually active helps keep the sexual organs in good working order. I recently ran across some new research from Finland that lends additional support to this idea. The Finnish researchers found that men who were more sexually active in their younger years were less likely to suffer from erectile dysfunction between the ages of 55 and 74.

How active do you have to be to reduce your risk? The research seems to suggest a minimum of once a week. Since the key is getting blood flowing to the penis, masturbation works as well as intercourse - but of course isn't nearly as much fun. A quick return to sexual activity following prostate surgery even contributes to more rapid healing.

It's not just men who benefit from frequent lovemaking. Women, too, are more likely to keep their juices flowing and prevent genital atrophy if they're having regular sex. If you need another reason to keep sex a priority, do it for your old age!

Family Involvement

To my daily readers, I apologize for my 3-day lapse in posting. I was swamped with houseguests and family festivities and honestly, my mind just wasn't on sex. It happens. Sometimes sex just needs to take a back seat. It's only a problem when it's permanently relegated to the back seat.

How much does family involvement interfere with your sex life? Most every couple experiences a big dip in sexual activity when children come along, but many couples don't find their way back to sex even when the children are grown and gone. There are aging parents, grandchildren, siblings, and extended family obligations.

I'm a big advocate of families, but there need to be boundaries around how much time and energy are invested in family relationships. It's difficult for your partner to feel number one in your life if they're frequently the recipient of your left over time and energy. Sex is between the two of you - don't let family get in between you instead.