"Give Me a Chance..."

If you have a partner who frequently pressures you for sex, you've probably been told how much it would mean if you occasionally intiated sex once in awhile. A woman I talked to recently complained that she never got the chance to initiate anything because her partner always beat her to it. That's a common dynamic. The higher desire person believes that if they waited for their partner to get things started, they'd be waiting forever. So they continue to push even though the end result is often to push their partner away.

The obvious solution to this dilemma is for the pushy partner to back off and for the less interested partner to step up to the plate. Sounds easy enough, but old dynamics die hard. If you're the less interested partner, you may tell yourself that no amount of initiation on your part will be enough. Maybe so, but you won't know unless you try. You might actually find that your partner is satisfied with far less sex than you've been imagining once they no longer have to try so hard to get it.

Hugging

How often do you and your partner hug? How long do the hugs last? For some, a hug is simply a way to say hello or goodbye and usually lasts no more than a couple of seconds. Even the hugs that offer comfort and connection are typically ended within five to six seconds.

David Schnarch, the author of Passionate Marriage, recommends a different kind of hugging to the couples he counsels. He calls it hugging till relaxed. It's not rocket science - it's just putting your arms around your partner, focusing on yourself, and quieting yourself down. Way down. It's important that both people are balanced on their own two feet rather than leaning into each other. As you both relax, you may find that your breathing becomes synchronized.

Hugging till relaxed requires a connection with yourself which then makes it safe to connect with your partner. It is both self-soothing and a path to intimacy. Try taking your hugs to a deeper level - you may find more than just relaxation.

Tie Me Up - Please

Most people are not into hardcore S & M. Inflicting serious pain or having pain inflicted on you during sex appeals to some but is unthinkable to others. However, there are mild forms of aggression that are much more mainstream and have the potential to bring excitement and intensity into your sex life.

One of the more common types of aggressive sexual behavior involves light biting and sucking. Remember the 'hickey' you tried to hide from your parents when you were in high school? Another fairly common behavior involves some type of spanking. And then there's the variations on bondage. Whips and chains may not be your thing, but having your hands tied to the bedposts with silk scarves could turn out to be a real turn-on.

Themes of dominance and submission are prevalent in the fantasy life of many people even when they are not acted out. There's something about 'taking' or 'being taken' in sex that often fuels the flames of desire. If you're up for incorporating some playful 'force' into your sex life, just be sure that you and your partner are on the same page. It's important to respect each other's comfort level and limits. But stretching your comfort zone just a bit could add some zest to a sex life that's become stale.

Vacation Sex

Summer is almost here, and a lot of folks will soon be packing their suitcases and setting off for new territory - if they can afford the gas or the airline tickets. Some will take the family along for trips to amusement parks and national parks while others will leave the children behind and hope for some romance and rejuvenation of their relationship.

What is it about vacations that revs up the sex drive and leads to more sizzling sexual encounters? There's the obvious - less stress, freedom from a to-do list, and just feeling more rested and relaxed. I think it also has a lot to do with time spent together, a greater focus on fun, and exposure to new things. Suspending routine and encountering novelty is energizing. When that energy isn't dissipated by work and worry, it's more readily available to stimulate sexual interest.

Whether you stick close to home or head to an exotic locale this summer, let the magic of vacation sex transport you to new sexual dimensions.

Tension Release

Sex is part of the intimacy you share with your partner. It can also be fun, exciting, relaxing, soothing, sleep-inducing, creative, and whatever else you choose to bring to it. During difficult times, it can be a wonderful way to release tension. I've posted previously about the value of staying connected to your partner when things are tough, but the connection is only part of the story.

The relaxation response following orgasm can loosen tight muscles and help you step out of over-identification with a problem. Just experiencing some moments not dominated by worrying thoughts can provide a welcome respite. And then there's the dopamine effect which helps create not only pleasure, but a sense of well-being.


So the next time you find yourself wound way too tight - or you see the strain starting to show on your partner's face - think about finding your way back to basics. Sex may be one of the best stress managment strategies you're not using.

Morning Sex

Are you one of those people who not only aren't interested in sex first thing in the morning but find your partner's a.m. groping downright irritating? If so, you're probably a woman. Of course, there are women who enjoy starting their day with lovemaking, but there does seem to be a gender difference in preference for morning sex.

Timing for sex is something every couple needs to negotiate. Trying to generate a sexual response from someone who is dead to the world (either late at night, middle of the night, or early in the morning) is frustrating for one and aggravating to the other. But if you're a woman with a partner who's finding his erections a little less dependable as he gets older, you might want to give morning sex some real consideration. Many men experience firmer and more reliable erections in the morning - maybe because they're fresh or their testosterone level is higher or they've awakened from an erotic dream.

Whatever the reason, when a man has less anxiety about his 'performance', the sexual experience is often enhanced for both him and his partner. Morning sex can be as energizing as a half-hour walk - and a great way to connect before each going your separate ways.

I'm heading out of town for the holiday and won't be posting again until Tuesday. Here's wishing you a relaxing Memorial Day weekend.

Following the Connection

When sex flows from a feeling of connection, the connection determines what you do with each other sexually. Rather than following a predictable sequence of moves or the same old routine, you stay present in the moment. You allow yourself to venture into the unknown as you go with what you and your partner are both feeling.

Following the connection requires not only presence but courage and a strong sense of self. It means letting go of anxiety and performance issues. It means letting go of expectations. It can be tremendously freeing and intimate, but it can only happen when you're willing to be vulnerable. The relationship must be one in which you feel safe enough to allow that vulnerability.

Not every sexual encounter is going to tap the potential for intimate, electric, in-the-moment sex. But when it happens, you'll expand the boundaries of your sexuality - and you'll probably want more of it.

The Chicken or the Egg

I've often talked about the role of sex in keeping couples connected. When sex becomes infrequent or non-existent, distance usually begins creeping into the relationship. I've heard countless couples describe living with but apart from each other.

However, the whole thing works in reverse, as well. When couples become emotionally disconnected, sexual interest fades and sexual activity diminishes. Some couples may wonder which came first - the emotional disconnect or the disappearance of sex.

Generally speaking, when your sex life is in trouble, you're better off addressing the emotional connection first. It's tough to generate much sexual interest when you and your partner are barely able to converse. Once the connection is re-established, you can then follow the connection into sexual expression.

Sex is a great way to connect, but sex is almost always better when it flows from a connection.

Your Mind: Friend AND Foe

I've talked several times about the power of our mind to create desire and enhance sexual functioning. The brain has often been referred to as our largest sexual organ. But the mind can also interfere with sexual response. It's not just racing thoughts and past hurts and worries about tomorrow's presentation that can shut down your body's ability to respond. The overly-active mind also engages in watching.

Watching yourself - or watching your partner - during sexual activity can turn sex into something of a spectator sport. I don't mean looking into your partner's eyes which can actually increase intimacy. I'm talking about becoming your own audience and mentally observing how you or your partner is performing. The running mental commentary can sound very much like a sports broadcaster doing a play-by-play during a basketball game.

It's not easy to stop observing and just be present during sex, but you can get better with practice. When you find yourself slipping into observation mode, just gently bring yourself back to your partner - by making eye contact, talking, kissing, etc. Your body will thank you - and so might your partner.

Asexuality

There was a letter in the advice column in the Courier-Journal today from a woman who described herself as asexual. She had never had any sexual desire and was repulsed not only by the idea of sex but even by kissing on the mouth. She was seeking a male partner for companionship and wondered if there were others out there like herself.

Many people that I see in my practice who are repulsed by sex have been victims of sexual trauma. However, there's a lot of variety in the human population, and I wouldn't argue that asexuality doesn't exist in the absence of trauma. There’s even an organization for people who consider themselves to be asexual.

Founded by David Jay who considers asexuality to be an orientation rather than a choice, the Asexual Visibility and Education Network now has more than 6,000 members. The organization is working to legitimize asexuality and is probably a good arena for asexual people to hook up with an asexual partner. That could avoid a lot of struggle and frustration!

I'm not sure whether asexuality is an orientation you're born with - and even if it is, I'm not convinced that it takes away choice in how someone manages their sexuality. My concern about asexuality is that it might be another example of how sexuality is too narrowly defined. Just because someone doesn't have sexual feelings doesn't mean they're not a sexual being.

Sexual Prime - Part 2

If you buy the idea that sexual prime is a lot more than how you function physically, then why are so many older people struggling with their sexuality? The problems have a lot to do with the myths and lies that prevent most people from ever reaching their sexual potential. Like the lie that sexy is all about how you look - and the lie that men just want sex and women just want intimacy - and the romantic myth that when you love someone, you'll know how to please them sexually. I could go on, but you get the idea.

Human sexuality is infinitely more complicated than sex in the rest of the animal kingdom. Sex between humans is affected by thoughts and feelings and beliefs. Physical responsiveness is not determined by simply touching or stimulating the right spot. It would certainly be easier if we could just follow a set of instructions for producing the maximum physical pleasure for ourselves and our partners, but then sex would be devoid of what makes it uniquely human - the capacity for a truly intimate connection.

The complexity of our sexuality is both the good news and the bad news. It opens the door for lots of problems, but it also affords us the opportunity for passion and emotional connection. The fact that it's so much more than a purely physical experience means that sex is not just for the young and the newly in-love. You may just be getting started.

Sexual Prime

It's commonly believed that men reach their sexual prime somewhere around 18, and women reach their prime some years later. In his book, Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch suggests that we've confused genital prime with sexual prime. I think it's a very helpful distinction.

Sexual prime typically refers to overall level of sexual interest, the quickness of the body to respond to sexual cues, and for men, rock-hard erections and a short refractory period. All of those characteristics are physically based. But do young people really have better sex? Think back to your younger days - was sex better or worse than it is today? OK, maybe it was more often - but was it really better?

It's tough to be sexually intimate when you don't yet know who you are. It's your self that you bring to sex, and because the best sex is a lot more than hard bodies mixing it up, your sexual peak is more likely to be reached when your 50 or 60 than when you're 18. It takes time to develop a full sense of self, and it takes even more time to develop a comfort level in sharing that self in an intimate way. It's emotional maturation rather than physical maturation that really determines your sexual prime. So maybe it's time to begin thinking of yourself as a prime-time player.

Taking the Pressure Off

I've talked in previous posts about the importance of openly addressing 'technical difficulties' that crop up in a sexual relationship. Though men's problems are often performance-focused, women and men alike can have trouble achieving orgasm - either occasionally or on a chronic basis. I've discussed the need for open talk, but I haven't addressed the need to take the pressure off.

Pressure - and the anxiety which accompanies it - work against the body's natural sexual response. The more you try to make something happen, the less likely it's going to happen. The way to interrupt this frustrating sequence is to change your expectations. Stop going for a specific outcome, whether that be an erection, intercourse, or an orgasm (yours or your partner's). Focus instead on touch, connection, and intimacy. Your sense of comfort and safety in being physical with your partner has been contaminated by frustration or fear of failure and needs to be re-established before anything different can happen.

An orgasm is great, but it's problematic when it becomes the holy grail of every sexual encounter. Reducing the pressure increases the probability of arousal which will lead to orgasm - but even if it doesn't, you're still a lot more likely to have a good time.

Embarrassing Questions

In the Health & Fitness section of today's Courier-Journal, there's an article on symptoms that patients are often reluctant to discuss with their doctor(s) because of embarrassment. I'm sure I don't need to detail what kind of symptoms we're talking about here, but sexual problems are usually one of the biggies.

I heard a gynecologist recently describe what she calls "doorknob questions". Those are the questions that women ask when their exam is complete, prescriptions are written, and their hand is on the doorknob as they prepare to walk out the door. "Oh, by the way, is it normal to have pain during intercourse?" That's really not a 'by the way' kind of question, but it's one that may have generated too much awkwardness to bring up any sooner.

If you're having any problems of a sexual nature, it's important to bring those to the attention of your doctor. It helps to have a doctor your comfortable with - which could even mean changing doctors. Put some thought into how you might bring up the touchier topics. You might want to start by saying, "This is kinda hard for me to talk about, but....." That gives the doctor an opportunity to help put you at ease. Remind yourself that it's probably nothing the doc hasn't heard before. And talking about sex with your doctor is good practice for talking about sex with your partner. It's ok to feel embarrassment - just don't let it stop you from talking.

The Meaning of Desire

I often refer to those with a low sex drive as low desire people. That's a shorthand way of describing those who have few spontaneous sexual feelings. However, it may put too much emphasis on sex as a biological urge.

Sex is far more than a physical drive or a certain set of behaviors. I really don't want people labeling themselves as 'low desire'- both because it sounds like a dysfunction of sorts (which it isn't) and because it sounds so permanent. It can also be used as one more excuse to avoid sex - "Not tonight, honey - you know I'm just one of those 'low desire' people who doesn't need sex as often as you do."

Those who don't feel a lot of desire for sex can still have a lot of desire for their partner. You don't have to be physically aroused to want closeness and touch - arousal often follows phsycial contact rather than precedes it. So if your hormones aren't keeping you all fired up, expand your definition of desire. Biology is not your destiny.

Bathing Suit Season

Bathing suit season is on the horizon which means that even more women than usual are dieting to lose those 5, 10, or 15 pounds that somehow accumulated during the long, nasty winter. It doesn't seem to matter that we have gobs of evidence proving that diets simply don't work - the dieting industry continues to be a multi-billion dollar business. Diets don't work because dieting involves a sense of deprivation. The body has a long memory for deprivation and will eventually respond with compensatory eating. That's why the yo-yo syndrome is such a common dieting experience.

If you're starving yourself - or just giving up chocolate - to lose a few pounds, you may be imagining a future, sexier self. But meanwhile, your interest in sex is probably taking a nosedive. When you're irritable and cranky, sex is not exactly going to be way up there on your list of priorities. You most likely just want to be left alone. No wonder your partner brings home a box of hot Krispie Kreme donuts to sabotage your latest weight loss effort.

Learning to eat in a healthy, life-giving way will enhance, not detract from your interest in sex. Losing some weight and getting more fit can also give you increased energy and self-esteem - a definite sex-booster. Just stay away from diets that are sex-killers.

What's Going On With That?

Have you ever made love with your partner and afterward wondered why in the world you don't do it more often? Something that brings so much pleasure, contentment, closeness - how is it that in the course of everyday living, making time and energy for sex can come to feel something like a chore? Is there anything else in your life that is so enjoyable yet feels like hard work?

If your experience of making love isn't so enjoyable, that's another issue. But if sex is pleasurable for you once you get there, you might want to remind yourself of the payoff the next time you're finding excuses for why this just isn't a good time for it.

Desire Starter

Last August I posted on the benefits of doing Kegels - an exercise which involves contracting and releasing the PC muscles that are part of the pelvic floor. The benefits include increased blood flow to the pelvis, stronger orgasms, and increased genital sensitivity. So keeping the PC muscle in good shape enhances sexual enjoyment. What you may not know is the workout itself has its own benefits.

When you want to get yourself in the mood, try doing a series of Kegels and pay close attention to the physical sensations they produce. For women, Kegels are one of the quickest ways to access sexual feelings. By doing them regularly, you can stay in touch with your sexuality on a daily basis. But, like the two drinks you down before hitting the dance floor, a few Kegels can also get you ready for action in the sack even when your interest isn't running high. So do the squeezes to tone up, but also keep them in mind the next time you need a quick desire starter.

Spring Overload

Most people live with a constant feeling that there just aren't enough hours in the day for everything they want to do. Spring seems to intensify that feeling. On top of normal demands, there's yardwork and gardening, graduations, weddings, mother's day, spring cleaning, art fairs, etc. In my household, there are also two birthdays and an anniversary. I love all these events and activities, but I desperately want to slow down the passing of the season.

It's easy to neglect your primary relationship when the days fly by in a blur of activity. But while the temperatures are ideal, it would be a shame to pass up al fresco dining by candlelight with your partner - or a walk after dinner - or a glass of wine on the deck at the end of the day. There's a lot of work to do in the spring, but what a great time to play. Don't let spring overload leave you too exhausted for love.

Remembered Pleasure

When you step outside your familiar routine and go for experiences a little outside your comfort zone, you reduce your anticipatory pleasure and maybe even your actual pleasure. Why? Because your anticipation will contain some degree of anxiety, and your actual experience may be both good and bad. Like going to a new restaurant or traveling to a foreign country, you don't know exactly what to expect and the experiences themselves can be challenging. There's risk involved - but there's also the potential for some wonderful surprises.

When you're willing to risk giving up some anticipatory and actual pleasure, you open the door to new and interesting experiences which often enrich your life and build memories. Taking it into the sexual arena, introducing novelty into your sex life creates memorable experiences that can bring you and your partner closer together. You can also draw on those memories to stimulate future desire. Maybe during those times when routine sex is all you want.

Different Pleasures

Have you ever thought about how pleasure exists in the past, present, and future? Pal Rozin, a psychology professor at the University of Pennsylvania, has studied pleasure extensively. He divides pleasure into three types: anticipatory pleasure, which involves looking forward to something; actual pleasure, which is what's happening right now; and remembered pleasure, when you're reliving an experience afterward. According to his theory, when you maximize one kind of pleasure, you usually experience a reduction in one or both of the others.

If you value a life of ease and comfort, you probably lean toward maximizing anticipatory and actual pleasures. You do this by going for predictable outcomes that you enjoy, like ordering the same meals at a few favorite restaurants or returning each year to a Florida condo that has a beautiful ocean view. You look forward to these experiences because you know what to expect and the actual experience is pleasurable.

Like anticipating and enjoying the comfortable predictability of routine sex, there's certainly value in known pleasures. The problem is that if you limit yourself to only the familiar, your experiences are not particularly memorable. Nothing really stands out.

Tomorrow I'll post on remembered pleasure.

Focused Energy

I was talking to a friend today who suggested a refreshing perspective on sexual energy in the second half of life. She felt that she and her partner were capable of a different kind of sexual intensity than in their younger years due to their sexuality being more focused. I'd never really thought of it in that way, but it made sense to me.

When you're young and your sex hormones are in high gear, your sexual energy is pretty much projected all over the place. Even when you have a partner, your sexuality often overflows into other flirtations and into your everyday interactions with people. As you get older and your sexual energy wanes some, it's easier to channel it's expression more exclusively toward your partner. That exclusivity can create a new kind of intimacy and intensity.

So instead of mourning a loss of libido, think about being more focused with what you've still got. Most likely, there's still plenty for just the two of you.

After the Romance

I've posted in the past about the chemical cocktail that romance releases in the body. Under the influence of that cocktail, even low desire people get fired up and can't seem to get enough of their lover. But eventually, the cocktail wears off and relationships settle into the normalcy of everyday life.

In restoring some romance to your relationship, it helps if you think about the things you did differently while 'intoxicated' with love. You can't necessarily get those chemicals back, but you can make time with your partner a priority, focus on their positive qualities, create surprises for them, rediscover your playful side, practice being seductive, and generally put more energy into being the partner you want to have.

Re-creating the conditions of romantic love might not give you a voracious sexual appetite, but it will certainly improve your intimacy - and probably your interest.

Make-Up Sex

When you and your partner have a fight, sex may be the last thing on your mind. But when things settle down and you realize that how the dishwasher is loaded really isn't that big of a deal, sex is a great way to reconnect and reaffirm what really is important - the relationship.
The intensity of make-up sex has to do with that reconnection - it's the relief you both feel in coming back from the edge.

Men are typically ready for make-up sex more quickly than women. You could say that's just because they're generally more interested in sex, period, but I also think it's because they have real trouble with the feeling of disconnection. Not that women like disconnection either, but women tend to have more connections with other people and may not feel quite as untethered as men in the aftermath of a fight.

I don't recommend initiating a fight just to create intense sexual bonding afterward, but I do recommend allowing sex to be part of your healing when the inevitable conflict comes.

Titillation Saturation

I've been posting about sexual things that turn you off, but I haven't mentioned all the sexual titillation in the media. Is that a turn-on or a turn-off? From Victoria Secret commercials to Grey's Anatomy, there's no shortage of sexual stimulation. So why are so many people having trouble getting their sex drive out of sleep mode?

I wonder if we've been so over-stimulated that couples jumping in and out of bed with each other just doesn't have the impact it might have had back in the days when even married TV couples slept in twin beds. We may have reached a saturation point with media sexuality. You may not exactly feel turned off by it, but it may have little impact on your sexual desire. Actually, if you've become immune to sex in the media, that could be contributing to your sense of being sexually shut-down.

Obviously, you don't have any control over how the media uses sexuality, but you do have control over your exposure to it. You might try going on a media fast. You might also try noticing what kind of images or story lines do have some kind of positive effect. In any case, don't let the absence of effect convince you that you're sexually dead. You may just be media dead.

Crude Dudes

In the infield of the Kentucky Derby, there's an annual ritual of guys pleading and chanting for girls to lift their tops and expose their breasts. There are always a few girls who comply. Is that sexual exploitation? Are the guys perverts or just normal males doing what guys do?

Yesterday I posted about how distorted sexuality can affect your sense of what it means to be sexual. But what if you're turned off by what passes for 'normal' sexuality? Maybe it's crassness or the more purely physical expressions of the sex drive that are a problem for you. Women particularly seem to take issue with sex as a physical drive that has nothing to do with love or connection.

The sex drive exists so that people will keep reproducing themselves. It's biology, plain and simple. Women who have never really experienced much of a sex drive may be inclined to regard their partner's desire as 'animalistic' rather than natural and healthy. That critical attitude tends to put a damper on a couple's sex life.

Women shouldn't have to be subjected to crude or vulgar sexual advances from their partner when they've made it clear that primitivity is unwelcome. They just need to be careful not to scorn what they once tried very hard to attract - their partner's sexual interest.

Sex Gone Wrong

As a therapist, I hear a lot of stories about sex gone wrong - not just the missteps in couples' sexual relationships, but terrible perversions and abuses of sexuality. You don't have to be a therapist to hear those stories. They're depicted on television, in movies, and in books. You may have your own story of past abuse, or you may listen in horror as a friend relates the details of a recent rape.

How do you keep the bad sexual stuff separate from healthy, joyful sexuality? The bad stuff certainly has the potential for contaminating your experience of sex. After dealing with a particularly terrible case of child sexual abuse, I have temporarily experienced some aversion for the sexual impulse behind the twisted behavior that wounds the tender psyche of someone young and vulnerable.

It's important to have a method for getting the stories and images of distorted sexuality out of your head. It might be talking about it with a trusted friend - writing about it - even devising a cleansing ritual if the impact is severe enough. It's also helpful to remember that many things in life have the capacity to heal as well as destroy. Destructive sexual behavior is not an indictment of sexuality, but it is evidence of sexuality's power. It would be a big mistake to allow the destructive potential of sex blind you to its pleasure and life-giving potential.

Dreams

Have you had any sexual dreams lately? If you're a low-desire person, it may have been awhile. But if you search your memory, you can probably recall the sexual feelings generated by that kind of dream. The feelings may have even stayed with you throughout the next day.

The more primitive part of the brain can't tell the difference between what's real and what takes place in a dream - or what you imagine. That's why the body responds to a sexual dream by getting all fired up.

You may not have control over what you dream, but you do have control over what you imagine. By imagining some hot scenarios, you can stir up sexual feelings that you thought were long-dead. You might even find that it stimulates a dream - or better yet, the real thing.