Other Sexy Signals

What else besides what you hear and what you see stimulates your sexual interest? I don't want to beat a dead horse here, but paying more attention to the little things you find sexy is an important way to keep your sexuality alive.

How about scents, like your partner's cologne? Perfume manufacturers spend millions coming up with fragrances that stir passion. Just take a look at the perfume ads in magazines - sex just oozes off the page. Have you found the one that does it for you? Maybe it's not perfume at all that gets you going. It could be your partner's natural scent or the smell of freshly washed sheets when you climb into bed.

There's also textures - like the silky shirt that makes you want to run your hands over your partner's body or the way you feel when you wear something soft against your skin. It could be the warmth of the sun on your skin or the sensual feel of water surrounding your body. And don't forget tastes. You may have your own very individual additions to the common list of erotic foods: chocolate, oysters, strawberries, bananas, caviar, etc.

Be on the lookout for sexual signals. They're part of your sexual map - and a resource for both you and your partner.

Visual Cues

Clothes are only one piece of the visual whole that adds up to 'sexy' - or not. Some people seem drawn to a particular type. Hair color, hair length, height, body build, body size, facial hair, and facial characteristics are only a few of the variables that may cue sexual interest.

Scientists have discovered that we are drawn to symmetry, which probably plays a role in the cultural consensus of what is considered beautiful. But cultural standards of beauty change with the times, and certainly beauty is still 'in the eye of the beholder'. That's a good thing since only a few of us come even close to the models gracing the covers of magazines.

What is the look that adds up to sexy for you - both when you look in the mirror and when you look at your partner? How often do you make an effort to create that look? Do you know what visual cues turn your partner on? It might be worth a conversation.

Stockings and Speedos

Yesterday I talked about music that sparks passion or just puts you 'in the mood for love'. That got me thinking about other things that are considered sexy and how much variation is out there when it comes to individual sexual preferences. If you haven't given much thought to your preferences - or to your partner's preferences - when it comes to the things that stir sexual interest, you might want to give it some consideration. Over the next several days, I'll pick a different category for you to mull over and maybe discuss with your partner. Today I wanted to talk about clothes.

What type of clothing is a turn-on for you? I'm talking about clothes that can be worn in public. Some women are drawn to men in business suits - others to men in uniform (military, UPS, policemen, etc.) - while still others don't feel much stirring unless there's some skin exposed. Speedos are a real hot item for some and a total turn-off for others. And men? The stereotype, of course, is clothing that reveals cleavage and legs and leaves little to the imagination. In other words, as little clothing as possible. But men also have specific preferences - maybe a woman in an over-sized man's shirt and some tight jeans is the ticket or a woman in a well-fitted elegant dress.

And when it comes to clothing, it's not just what you're attracted to in others that's important, but what you wear yourself that makes you feel sexy. Hopefully, the latter is also what turns your partner on. If not, you might want to think about accomodating your partner's tastes as well as your own.

Mood Music

Is there certain music that gets you going or that you like to make love to? Do you have a category on your ipod devoted just to love songs? If not, you might want to give some thought to what songs turn you on - or just start noticing your response to music that you hear on the radio or on your favorite CD's. What's a turn-on to one person may be a total turn-off for another, but if you're looking for some ideas to get you started, consider the following tunes:

Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye
Lay Lady Lay - Bob Dylan
Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye
Tonight's the Night - Rod Stewart
Turn Me On - Norah Jones
First Time Ever I Saw Your Face - Roberta Flack
Like A Virgin - Madonna
Let's Make Love - Tim McGraw and Faith Hill
Justify My Love - Madonna
Love to Love You, Baby - Donna Summer
Fade into You - Mazzy Star

I know, I'm showing my age, but this list just barely scratches the surface, anyway. Music is powerful. If the right music can make you want to jump up and dance, don't underestimate the role of music in keeping you 'tuned in' (sorry, couldn't resist) to your sexuality.

Appreciation

How often do you express appreciation for your partner? Appreciation is a little different than a compliment, a 'thank you', or words of affection. It has to do with really noticing the things your partner does that you admire or that make your life a little easier and then acknowledging those things with specific language.

Take the stone wall my husband just built around my new herb garden. It took about 6 hours of hot, sweaty labor lifting 20 pound stones. And there were a lot of stones. I could have said, "Thanks, honey - I really appreciate it", but it has more meaning when I take the time to say, "You put such care and effort into every project you do. Using a level, building up the low side, arranging and rearranging the stones for the best fit - you're a real craftsman. I would never have had the patience for it."

We have a need not just for gratitude but for acknowledgment of our skills and our contributions. Feeling taken for granted or feeling unappreciated by your partner is not exactly lust-inspiring. Appreciation is one more thing to add to your foreplay list.

Giving and Receiving

What's your strong suit - being on the giving end or receiving end of sexual pleasure? In my work with couples over the years, I've noticed that many people have a definite preference. Of course, everyone knows that the best sex involves mutual pleasuring, but you may find that you're a little unbalanced in one direction or the other.

Those who are more into giving pleasure may have difficulty in letting others do things for them. That might be because deep down they don't feel deserving - or it might be that they feel more in control when they're on the giving end. Or maybe they're just really turned on by turning their partner on.

Those who are more sexually passive may find it easier to focus on their arousal when they're on the receiving end. They may be inhibited, feel uncomfortable, or be unsure of exactly how to please their partner. Or they might be sexually uninterested.

If you're aware of some imbalance in your comfort with giving or receiving sexual pleasure, there's no time like the present for taking some small steps outside your comfort zone. Both you and your partner will reap the benefits.

Ending With a Bang

There's a piece circulating on the internet that I couldn't resist sharing. I tried to find the source but was unsuccessful.

I want to live my next life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked
out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day. You work forty years until you're too young to work. You get
ready for high school, drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no
responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last nine months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions -
central heating, room service on tap, and then...you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my
case.

Put It In Writing

When someone takes the time to put their thoughts down on paper, you tend to pay attention. Whether it's your boss scribbling 'good job!' across a completed project, a friend's thank you note expressing gratitude for your hospitality, or your partner's handwritten lines beneath a Hallmark jingle, you let it sink in. Something in writing somehow seems more real or meaningful than the same words casually spoken.

In the early days of infatuation, writing love notes is not unusual. Some inspired lovers compose passionate poems to express their feelings. But the eloquent words preserved in ribboned bundles in a dresser drawer are usually replaced by a short-hand spoken love language as the years accumulate -maybe an habitual 'love you' at the end of phone conversations or when leaving the house in the morning.

If it's been awhile since you've written a romantic or steamy love note to your partner, you might want to crank up your creativity and see what flows from your pen. You may find that it turns you on as much to write it as it does your partner to read it.

Real Life Sex

I often talk to people who seem to view sex as the holy grail or somehow separate from the context of everyday life. It's either put on a pedestal as the ultimate expression of love or is considered animalistic and grossly over-rated. Unfortunately, the people holding those polarized views are frequently married to each other.

When sex is over- or under-emphasized, problems usually result. For there to be a healthy sexual relationship, sex needs to be integrated into real life. Real life also needs to be integrated into sex. That means understanding differences in sexual desire - realizing that sexual frequency and satisfaction will vary over the course of a relationship - acknowledging that sex can meet a variety of needs and can be serious, playful, loving, passionate, comforting, etc. - accepting that sex will change throughout life and being willing to adapt to those changes.

Real life sex may not be the stuff of movies or romance novels, but it's a lot easier to sustain - and ultimately a lot more satisfying.

Pleasure or Chore?

Having just returned from vacation, I'm struggling a bit with re-entry. Jumping immediately from days of leisure in which the most demanding task was deciding where to eat lunch to a schedule packed with appointments, piles of laundry, and thirsty plants is a harsh transition. My to-do list has exploded - and I thought of my frequent reminder to clients to keep sex on their to-do list. I'm rethinking that advice.

Unfortunately, the items on most people's to-do lists are chores. I really don't want anyone putting sex in the same category as mowing the grass, taking the dog to the vet, or cleaning out the garage. I just want people to understand that sex can easily be squeezed out of our lives by all those endless tasks that sap both time and energy.

Sex is a pleasure - but a forgotten pleasure for many. When you're on vacation, pleasure is the whole point and sex happens easily. When you come home, you have to be intentional about preserving some of that vacation mindset. So if your to-do list contains only have-to's, maybe you need a separate list of want-to's - and some specific ideas about how to make room for them.

Foreplay

You probably know that foreplay begins long before you get around to touching, kissing, and shedding clothes. It's the flirtation in the morning, the phone call mid-day, the pitching in to help with evening chores, or the conversation (with the TV off) about each other's day.

In Just Do It, one of the couple's favorite experiments was making a list of the things they loved about each other and then taking turns reading them aloud to each other. They were amazed at how good it felt to hear all the positive feedback, but equally amazed at how focusing on each other's great qualities made them feel very close - and very lucky.

An exercise I frequently recommend to my clients comes from Getting the Love You Want. I simplify it somewhat, but basically each person writes down at least 20 ways to complete the sentence: "I feel loved and cared about when you..." I ask them to include things their partner has done in the past, is currently doing, and has never done. It's also important to be behaviorally specific - so instead of writing 'when you're affectionate', you might write 'when you hold my hand when we're walking at the mall'. After each person completes their list, they trade lists and begin doing the things that make their partner feel loved and cared about - without keeping score.

Feeling loved is one of the best aphrodesiacs around. It might help you to know exactly what it is that makes your partner feel that way.

I will be on vacation until July 22nd. I'll resume blogging when I return.

Fit For Sex

One of the things that helped the couple in Just Do It succeed in having sex for 101 straight days was their decision at the outset to get more physically fit. They not only did weight lifting, running, and hiking but also included lots of yoga. They both lost around five pounds without really changing their diets.

Their exercise regimen made the couple feel younger and more energetic. They increased their flexibility and were able to enjoy sexual positions they'd never tried before. They also felt more comfortable in their bodies and experienced a new kind of sexual confidence.

Only a small percentage of adults get the recommended 30 minutes of daily exercise. If you need additional motivation to get moving, consider the benefits for your sex life.

Regular Sex

Yesterday I recommended sex as a rewarding way to end the day. Not necessarily every day, but more often than it's probably going to happen if you wait until both you and your partner are in the mood.

When you make sex a more regular habit, it becomes more natural. It weaves its way throughout your relationship and becomes an important aspect of being a couple. When you think about it, sex is one of the most significant differences between your relationship with your partner and your relationships with everyone else. That's why couples often complain of feeling like 'roommates' once the passion is gone. Passion is a big piece of what defines a romantic partnership.

Sex also becomes easier when it's more routine. You develop a rhythm and a comfort with one another. It's no less pleasurable, but it is less weighted with expectations, fear of rejection, and performance anxiety.

Rewarding Yourself

How do you reward yourself at the end of a hard day? With time vegging on the couch watching a movie? With a cold beer or a glass of wine? With a big bowl of ice cream? It's strange that more people don't think of sex as a reward for the day's toils and troubles.

Sex - if done right - is free, good exercise, calorie-free, relationship-enhancing, and extremely pleasurable. It has the added bonus of sending you off to a good night's sleep. What could be more rewarding? Yeah, it requires a little effort on your part that watching television doesn't, but TV doesn't produce much in the way of a payoff.

No matter how rough your day was, you have the capacity for ending it on a good note. You - and your partner - deserve it.

Touching

One of the benefits of having more frequent sex is that it tends to increase the amount of overall touching in the relationship. Sex creates a physical connection, and affectionate touch helps maintain that connection. Hugging, kissing, holding hands, letting a hand rest on your partner's thigh while watching television, giving and receiving foot massages - even the grazing touch as you pass one another in the hall are all ways to stay literally 'in touch'.

Most of the couples I see that complain of having drifted apart are doing very little touching - of the sexual or non-sexual variety. In fact, when either partner begins avoiding sex, they almost always pull away from non-sexual physical contact, as well, out of fear that it will be misinterpreted as sexual interest. It's no surprise that distance begins creeping into the relationship.

Touch communicates something that words cannot. If you've let yourself get rusty in the touch department, your sex life is probably suffering. Affectionate touch is both an outcome of regular sex as well as a gateway to it. It's a place to start.

The Down Side of Viagra

This passage from Just Do It is worth quoting. The guy is describing his initial experience with Viagra:
"The pharmaceutical had tapped something primordial inside me. It channeled the caveman lost deep in the thickets of my 40-year-old brain. This club-wielding fellow remained as powerful as he had been in my youth, I think, but he didn't always arrive as pumped up, as it were, as he had been when I was, say, 16 or 20. I liked the grunting fool. I appreciated how he just showed up, grinning and ready to go, shortly after I popped the pill. I'm not sure about addiction, but I could grow accustomed to having him around, and the pill made that connection awfully easy."

So what's not to like? The energy expenditure, for one thing. The guy was so revved up by the Viagra that the vigorous sex left him feeling exhausted the next day. Another problem was his wife's reaction: "It was fun, but not the kind of energy I want to experience every night. Sometimes, slow and easy is the best.....it feels like we're sort of going our separate ways when it's wild."

There's nothing wrong with popping a pill to assist with flagging erections as long as the assistance doesn't create an over-emphasis on performance and depersonalized sex. Just proceed with caution.

Another Reason to Eat Chocolate

I'm sure you've read the research that extols the health benefits of eating dark chocolate. In small portions, of course. If you're a chocoholic, you really don't need a reason to eat chocolate, but many people find themselves at the vending machine mid-afternoon looking for some M&M's to get them through the post-lunch slump. In addition to melting in your mouth, those little chocolate morsels contain caffeine (and sugar) that provide a little jolt of energy.

The couple who undertook the sex marathon discovered that consuming a small square of high quality chocolate in the evening helped rejuvenate their fizzling 'nighttime brains'. The author of Just Do It recommends TJ Maxx for a great selection of specialty chocolate bars at a good price.
Of course there's also chocolate-dipped strawberries, chocolate syrup, chocolate ice cream...
The couple didn't mention incorporating chocolate into their sexual encounters, but you could get creative...

Sex Blockers

Even when you're able to overcome the desire-blockers in your life and actually get around to having sex, there can be obstacles that surface during sex that can squash your interest or your arousal. Like when your partner starts carressing your belly and suddenly all you can think about is how much you hate the bulge around your middle and that your partner is probably getting grossed out by touching all that flab. Or when you feel your erection fading and begin worrying about whether you'll be able to perform. Or you being wondering whether the kids will overhear the sounds of your lovemaking.

The goal at those moments is to turn away from your intrusive thoughts and gently return your attention to the moment. If the thoughts are persistent, it might help to share them with your partner rather than to suffer in silence. You can also move your partner's hand to a different part of your anatomy, turn your focus from performance to connection, and ask your partner to muffle any squeals of pleasure.

You have more control over your thoughts than you think you do. When annoying thoughts pop into your head, you can give them a nod and let them go rather than inviting them to stick around for the show. Their only strength comes from the attention you give them.

Clean Sex

Most people feel more comfortable getting 'down and dirty' when both they and their partner are fresh and clean. But how many people regularly shower before getting into bed at night or even before a planned sexual encounter?

You probably wouldn't have dreamed of presenting anything less than your cleanest and most fragrant self to your lover before you settled into long-term monogamy. Now you may have gotten lazy. It only takes 5 minutes to take a quick shower and spritz or slather something great-smelling all over your body. Smells can either be a turn-on or a turn-off. Why risk the latter? And if it's your partner that's gotten lazy, don't be afraid to ask them to shower before bed. Even better, ask them to get in the shower with you.

Sex Talk

One of the interesting outcomes of the 101 straight days of sex experiment was that the couple involved began actually talking about sex as well as having it on a daily basis. They started sharing sexual preferences - what worked and what didn't work and why. Though the couple had been together for many years and had had somewhere around a thousand sexual encounters, they'd never talked much about it. Whatever hesitancy or discomfort that had kept that dialogue from happening previously seemed to melt away once sex became part of their daily routine.

The discussions led to new discoveries about one another that made sex more enjoyable and more satisfying. Being able to talk about the nitty-gritty mechanics of sex also created more openness in their overall communication. They found it easier to disclose feelings they might previously have kept to themselves. Maybe that was because the daily sex created more intimacy and maybe it was because they simply spent more time and effort on each other and the relationship.

Whatever the reason, open sharing and self-disclosure are both cause and effect when it comes to a healthy sexual relationship. That means either start having more sex or start talking about it if you want to ramp up your intimacy.

Time Choices

Yesterday I talked about taking charge of fatigue. That may sound a lot easier said than done. Standing up to fatigue involves consciously choosing how you spend your time.

When you're tired at the end of the day, you may need to actually rest - take a 20-minute nap, get to bed earlier, or watch a half-hour of TV. But what tends to happen instead is a mindless wasting of precious hours just vegging - flipping from one channel to the next on TV, surfing the Internet, talking on the phone, browsing through catalogs, etc. A certain amount of that is fine, but may not be as restful as some actual shuteye and certainly not as energizing or restorative as an after-dinner walk, a brisk shower, a long soak in the tub, or some time listening to music.

The idea isn't to ignore fatigue but to figure out the best response to it. When you learn how to recharge your batteries - how to fill yourself up when you feel completely drained - you'll free up both time and energy for more and better sex.

Standing Up to Fatigue

The couple in Just Do It who decided to have sex for 101 straight days faced many obstacles in achieving their goal. One of the biggest obstacles was fatigue. Jobs, two young children, household chores - you know the drill. They often collapsed into bed at night desiring nothing more than a good night's sleep. But they learned something about fatigue as they pursued their sexual marathon: they learned that it soon dissipated when actively challenged.

"If you stand up to the fatigue, it falls to pieces....it's a cheap bully." That's the author of Just Do It sharing his observation with his wife. She responds, "Exhaustion is a cheap bully. That's awsome....that knowledge alone is worth this experiment."

Basically, they just ignored the fatigue and went right ahead touching and carressing each other until the desire showed up. The desire then banished the fatigue. Kind of like when you force yourself to go for a walk after dinner when what you really want to do is collapse on the couch. You return from the walk with renewed energy - a second wind that carries you through the rest of the evening.

You get to decide how much power you relinquish to fatigue. I'm all for getting adequate rest - just make sure that you're the one calling the shots.