When Direct Isn't Best

In several posts I've stressed the importance of being able to talk about sex openly and honestly with your partner. Too often people expect their partner to be mind-readers or just 'know' their specific likes and dislikes which can lead to unsatisfying and frustrating sexual encounters. But the role of non-verbal sexual communication is also valuable.

Part of creating more passion is learning to play with gestures, facial expressions, and body language. It is the art of flirtation and seduction. Couples make a big mistake when they stop flirting with each other when the courtship is over. Flirting makes your partner feel wanted, valued, and desired - and it probably does the same for you when it comes your way.

How do you indirectly express desire to your partner? If your seduction skills have become a bit rusty, try reviving them on your next date night. Gaze into your lover's eyes, let your hand barely graze her thigh, breathe softly into his ear during a slow dance - it's all coming back to you, right?

Politically Incorrect?

I've been a feminist for many years and have certainly encouraged women to take more ownership of their sexuality - including voicing their needs and wants, nurturing their sexual desire, and taking a more active role in sexual encounters. However, many women fantasize about being 'taken' sexually - or being 'taught' about sex by a more experienced partner - or being seduced by their lover. Some women enjoy acting out these fantasies with their partner. So are these women passive wimpy females who've yet to claim full equality with men?

Not at all. Intimate, sexual interaction often falls outside the realm of what is 'politically correct'. The safety of an intimate connection allows both men and women to experiment with different roles and different parts of themselves. The same woman who likes the role of the innocent virgin on one occasion may, at another time, relish putting her man in handcuffs. Men, who may be very 'take charge' people in the world of work, may sometimes enjoy adopting the role of a young teenager in the hands of a Mrs. Robinson.

So if both of you are comfortable in the sexual roles that you assume and the language that you use, leave political correctness outside the bedroom door and let yourselves be as "bad" as you want to be.

Angry or Interested?

Language shapes your experience of the world. Ever think about how your sexuality has been warped by the use of sexual language for insults, put-downs, and dismissals? It says a lot about the power of sex to wound as well as to heal.

How do you make sense out of "F_ _ k off!" and "Honey, do you want to f_ _ k?" Or describing something that's terribly wrong as "f_ _ked up"? And how do you separate all the angry expressions that refer in some way to oral sex (e.g. "c_ _ ksucker" "blow me"), from your partner's desire to include oral sex in your lovemaking? And why do we use the slang terms for our genitals to express contempt for someone? No wonder people are so conflicted about sex!

If you use sexual language to express anger, think about how that language affects not only you, but your partner, as well. You may want to consider expanding your anger vocabulary and reserving your sexual talk for your sex life.

Sharing Power

In yesterday's post I mentioned power as one possible payoff of low desire - i.e. using low desire as a means of controlling when sex takes place. It's a good example of the unhealthy maneuvering that goes on in relationships when there is an imbalance of power.

Sex can only be joyful and mutual when it takes place between equals - and that means both participants feel a sense of power in the relationship. It means that you each feel valued and respected by the other and that you each feel able to get your important needs met in the relationship. You each keep your voice and share in decision-making. When power is shared, differences in sexual desire are addressed directly and there is mutual acommodation.

Shared power eliminates a lot of manipulation, passive-aggressive behavior, and other forms of acting out. If you feel disempowered in your relationship, think about how you can begin to claim the power that is rightfully yours.

The Payoffs of Low Desire

If your desire has taken a hike, you probably don't view it as a gift. But strange as it may seem, there may be some benefits hidden in your low desire. If you're having trouble getting motivated to do anything about your low desire, there's a pretty good chance that you're getting something out of staying exactly where you are. Identifying the possible payoffs of staying stuck can help you get unstuck.

Low desire may protect you from being too vulnerable in your relationship. You may feel safer when there's limited intimacy. It can also be a step out of powerlessness by exercising some control over when sex occurs. It can be an opportunity to express anger toward your partner without direct confrontation. It can be a passive form of punishment.

Do you recognize yourself in any of the above scenarios? When you become aware of unconscious payoffs of maintaining low desire, you can choose what you want to do about them.

Affairs

If you're in a relationship in which your partner has had an affair, you may be struggling to put that betrayal behind you. The process of healing, forgiving, and rebuilding trust is very difficult and may require the help of a therapist.

Sometimes even when you feel like you've forgiven your partner, it can be hard to restore sexual intimacy. Just being sexual with your partner can bring up painful memories and cause a shut-down in your ability to be sexually responsive. You may replay movies in your head of scenes you imagine having taken place between your partner and the other person. Or maybe you still don't feel safe enough with your partner to completely let go and be in the moment.

If your sexual relationship is suffering from old wounds that haven't completely healed, it's important to talk to your partner about the problem. Ask for patience - and ask for anything else that might help you feel safer and more trusting. You may need to take a step back and proceed very gradually to restore sexual intimacy. Go back to therapy if needed - but take the time to truly heal. Stuffing your feelings or carrying a load of resentment could shut down your sexuality for years to come.

Skipping the Late Late Show

More research on the effects of insufficient sleep indicate that sleep deprivation is a much more serious problem than we've previously believed. A recent issue of Current Biology reported that it's more than learning, memory, and concentration that are impacted by a lack of sleep - there's also a huge increase in emotional reactivity due to a shutdown of the prefrontal lobes in the brain. That translates into distorted perceptions and exaggerated responses to negative experiences.

What that means is that shorting yourself on sleep creates more than sex-zapping fatigue. It means that you might be over-reacting to the little irritating things your partner does - which can also zap sexual interest.

Not getting enough sleep negatively impacts your body, your emotions, your mind, your relationships and your spirit. Remember that the next time you're tempted to tune into the Late Late Show.

Remembering Mint Chocolate Chip

In yesterday's post, I talked about planning a more special sexual adventure on a monthly
basis - something other than the comfortable, predictable sex that is probably more the norm in your relationship. The value of occasionally creating more intense and varied sexual experiences (even if it's less than once a month) goes beyond the pleasure derived from those sporadic encounters. Because our brains work by association, a fantastic sexual adventure infuses new energy into your sex life for months - or even years- to come.

Try introducing some creativity into your sex life - then revisit those memories whenever you need to stir up some passion. The excitement generated now by creative sexual experiences can pull you out of the sexual doldrums when creativity is in short supply.

Vanilla vs. Mint Chocolate Chip

Do you feel like a failure for not having exciting, television kind of sex? Or feel like the hum-drum sex you have with your partner means the zest is gone from your relationship? You may suffer from an unrealistic set of expectations when it comes to the quantity and quality of sex in your life.

If you're the lower desire person in your relationship, how much sex do you think it would take to satisfy your partner? Maybe you think it's every day, but have you asked? If you and your partner together can set a concrete goal in the sexual arena, then you both know what you're working toward. Let's say you decide on once a week for the frequency. Most of those sexual encounters will probably fall in the vanilla ice cream version of sex - comforting and soothing but not terribly exciting. Then maybe you set another goal of having mint chocolate chip kind of sex at least once a month where you aim for some variety and a more intense flavor. Who knows? You may discover you like mint chocolate chip so much that you want to have it a little more often!

Time Apart

I've talked a lot about the importance of nurturing the relationship with your partner - spending time together, recapturing a sense of fun and playfulness, and staying connected through conversation and physical affection. But it's also important for both you and your partner to have a life apart from one another.

When you each have your own interests and activities that fill you up, you're less likely to expect the relationship alone to make you happy. Time apart gives each of you something to bring back to the relationship and keeps life more interesting. Too much togetherness can lead to boredom and leave you wondering what to talk about.

So if you want to keep your passion primed, preserve your own identity and plan some separateness to fuel your togetherness.

Anticipation

One of the nice things about putting a sex date on your calendar is that you have time to anticipate it. A slow sexual build-up creates tension and excitement. You can enhance the build-up by making a suggestive phone call or sending a steamy email to your lover during the day. Indulge in fantasy in the hours leading up to your date and connect to your sexiest self.

Once you are with your lover, let the anticipation continue to build. Don't rush things - feel the excitement but remain patient. Back off and build up again, teasing and delaying until a delicious sense of urgency overtakes both of you. Anticipation allows us to entertain tension, relaxation, and playfulness all at the same time. If the familiarity in your relationship has led to boredom, it's time to put anticipation back into action.

In the Moment

Good sex depends on being 'in the moment'. That means that you're not thinking about a work deadline or planning what to have for dinner or wondering if you're partner has noticed the 5 pounds you've put on recently. It means focusing on and enjoying what's happening NOW rather than rushing to the finish line. It means being responsive to what your partner wants in this moment - tenderness? dominance? firm touch or light touch? fast action or long, lingering caresses? You can't assume that what drove your partner crazy with passion the last time will do the trick this time. The same moves, the same routine create sexual boredom and ignore the fact that each encounter is new and different because every moment is new and different.

Staying in the moment takes practice - but the payoff is sex that is constantly changing and evolving just as you are changing and evolving. There's no better way to keep sex new and exciting.

Sexual Wholeness - The Body

Since most people think of bodies when they think about sex, the physical dimension of sexual wholeness is probably the easiest to grasp. However, you may not have thought much about how physical self-care impacts your sex life.

Since you're probably not going to have a lot of interest in sex if you're tired, hungry, overweight, in pain, or out of shape, it only makes sense to get enough sleep, eat right, exercise, and practice preventive medicine. Of course, good self-care makes sense for a whole lot of reasons, but adding sexuality to the list may get you to the gym a little more often.

Along with taking care of your body, it's important to work on body acceptance and body awareness. If you walk around disconnected from your body and your senses, you're unlikely to experience sexual desire even if you're in great shape.

Lastly, make sure you're using your whole body when you're having sex as well as appreciating the body of your lover. Sexual wholeness takes sex far beyond the mixing up of isolated body parts and invites a more total body experience. What's not to like about that?

Sexual Wholeness - Relationships

In the post entitled "Relationship Tune-Up", I stressed the importance of keeping the relationship with your partner in good working order if you want to keep the sexual spark alive.

But what about all of your other relationships? What role do they play in your life? Certainly your partner can't meet all of your needs.

Hopefully you have a good network of support from friends and family. The quality of your relationships significantly impacts your stress level and your overall emotional well-being. You need people to shore you up in difficult times and celebrate with you during times of joy. However, you may have relationships that deplete you rather than fill you up. Think about the relationships in your life and what changes may be needed - whether that's adding or eliminating relationships, setting different limits, or asking for what you need. It can make a big difference in your life.

Sexual Wholeness - Emotions

Emotions contain important information for us. Anger lets us know that something is wrong or that we have a need that is going unmet. Sadness is usually a signal that we've lost something important to us. Fear helps us prepare for a threat to our safety, and joy is our cue to celebrate life's blessings. How much control do you feel over your emotions once they've delivered their message?

Our challenge with emotions is how to 'have' them without 'being' them. Our language encourages us to over-identify with our emotions - "I am depressed." "I am angry." But if we have depression or have anger, we also have a closetful of resources to bring to managing those feelings. To be emotionally healthy, we have to be in charge of our emotions and stop letting them run the show.

When we're emotionally unhealthy, our sex drive is going to take a major hit. So take some time to do an emotional audit on yourself and see if there is an emotion that is running your life.

Sexual Wholeness

When sexuality encompasses your whole self, sex becomes much more than mechanistic behavior driven by youthful hormones. Sex is integrated into your life and your sense of identity in a way that infuses passion into all that you do - and all that you are and do brings passion into your sex life. So what makes up the whole self?

There are 5 primary elements of self: mental, emotional, relational, physical, and spiritual. I've discussed the spiritual element in the last two posts, so I'll move on to the others - starting with the mental. How are you faring in the mental dimension? How do you keep yourself mentally stimulated and challenged? You may have a job that gives your brain a regular workout - maybe you work the daily crossword puzzle or word jumbles - or you may find that reading and discussing ideas with friends keeps your mind sharp. As you age, it's important to keep learning new things to keep your brain cells multiplying. Take up a new hobby, learn a foreign language, take an adult education class, enroll in a dance class, start doing yoga or tai chi - the possibilities are endless. And don't forget to include sexual fantasies and thoughts of your lover in your mental gymnastics!

Tomorrow I'll move on to the emotional element of self.

Sacred Sex - Part 2

In yesterday's post I talked about sex and spirituality. Bringing the spiritual dimension into your sexuality is part of creating sexual wholeness. We have plenty of examples of what can happen when people lack that wholeness - everything from sexual shame to sexual abuse. But when you are in touch with the sacred within you and within your partner, sex cannot be exploitive or hurtful. Sex becomes a truly mutual experience of giving and receiving and ceases to be appearance or performance-based.

Tomorrow I'll talk about the other dimensions of sexual wholeness.

Sacred Sex

I discovered a wonderful little book a few years ago which talks about the spiritual dimension of sexuality. Zen Sex, by Philip Sudo, explores the divine aspect of our capacity for feeling ecstasy and giving joy. For those of you who are still battling sexual guilt and shame from your religious indoctrination, sex may seem far removed from spirituality. But at its essence, sex is the origin of life.

"At its best, sex takes us back to the beginning, transcending mere fulfillment of our animal desires to reveal our inherent divinity as Creators; it becomes a spiritual endeavor, as profound as any religious rite..." Zen Sex challenges us to "put technique aside. Stop fretting over sexual frequency. Love your body. Frolic. Tease. Make love. All it takes to be a good zen lover is a giving heart, and the awareness of the life force coursing through our bodies."

Drugs for Desire - Part 2

Everyone is familiar with Viagra. Women often ask me, "Why isn't there a Viagra for women?"

Actually, Viagra only helps men with erectile dysfunction - it doesn't increase men's desire. So can it do anything at all for women? Some women have reported an improvement in their sex lives after taking Viagra, but that's probably because it increases blood flow to the genitals and increases vaginal lubrication - it doesn't actually increase desire. But if there's a greater enjoyment of sex, that in itself could increase desire. Caution: Do not pop a few of your partner's pills to see what they might do for you. It's essential that you talk to your doctor before taking any prescription medication.

Another option is the antidepressant, Wellbutrin, which is often prescribed to help counteract the sexual side effects of other antidepressants, especially the SSRI's. It has also helped energize the sex drive of non-depressed women who are not taking an SSRI. As with Viagra, you must first talk to your doctor about the advisability of using this prescription medication.

There are a few alternative remedies that have had mixed results. DHEA and ArginMax are sold over the counter in drug stores and health food stores. DHEA increases libido by raising hormone levels. ArginMax contains ginseng, ginkgo biloba, and some other ingredients and has been found to increase both sexual desire and satisfaction for many women. Though available over the counter, it would still be advisable to discuss the use of these supplements with a doctor.

Drugs for Desire

I'm often asked if there are any drugs to help women who have little or no sexual desire. Drug companies are doing a lot of experimentation, but right now there is no magic pill for creating sexual interest and enthusiasm. There are a few medical interventions, however, that might be worth considering.

Estrogen replacement therapy (ERT) is one option for post-menopausal women. ERT will probably not dramatically increase desire in most women, but it does decrease vaginal dryness which can make sex unpleasant. Because there is some concern about ERT increasing the risk of heart disease and cancer, this is an option that should be discussed carefully with a doctor. Another option is low-dose estrogen in tablet or cream form that is inserted directly into the vagina - or is released from an estrogen ring that is inserted into the upper part of the vagina and is replaced about every 3 months.

A low-dose testosterone patch for women developed by Procter & Gamble was rejected by the FDA, but some doctors do prescribe testosterone for women off-label. There is the possibility of testosterone causing masculinizing side effects and an increase in cholesterol, so again, it's not a perfect remedy. However, it's worked very well for some women. It's important to talk to your doctor to determine if this is a good option for you.

I'll cover some more remedies tomorrow.

Who Changes First?

I got an email the other day from a woman complaining that the only thing her husband ever initiates is sex. She longs for him to initiate a special night out or plan a weekend away or even ask her to take a walk - but despite her requests for those things, he has yet to come through.

Maybe her pleas just aren't registering - maybe he's being obstinate - or maybe he's waiting to get what he wants (sex) before giving her what she wants (special time together). Are you and your partner caught in a standoff - each waiting for the other to change first? If so, you're both going to be waiting forever. You risk making yourself vulnerable when you take the first step toward meeting your partner's needs, but you also take charge of creating change. Isn't that better than remaining passive and powerless?

Pick Your Times

Does your partner plead, pressure, or pout to get some action in the bedroom? Or maybe just tries to get something going at the worst possible times for you? If so, you've probably wished many times that your partner would put him/herself inside your head and understand how hard it is to get interested in sex when you're exhausted - or how hard it is to suddenly shift gears when you're plowing full steam ahead with your agenda.

But how good are you at getting inside your partner's head? Do you assume that your partner is just a sex fiend with only one thing on the brain? It could be that your partner is wanting closeness or reassurance. When met with a cold shoulder, your partner may feel rejected, undesirable, or unloved.

In addition to talking to your partner about the timing and conditions for sex that are best for you, try initiating sex when the timing and conditions are right for you. That will be a gift for the both of you.

Media Brainwashing

The media feeds us a steady diet of sexual imagery, innuendo, and illicit coupling, and sex is used to sell everything from cars to toothpaste. Meanwhile sex is being sold down the river. As Ellen Goodman says, "(we) are a culture that defines sexy as something seen rather than something felt".

What kind of sex is the media selling? Women are portrayed as sexual objects and men as sexual opportunists; sexy is thin (but voluptuous), beautiful, and young; sex is about 'doing' rather than 'being'; sex is casual, commitment-free, and devoid of intimacy; all the beautiful people are 'doing it' - often; talking about sex is unnecessary; forbidden sex is the best sex, etc., etc.

How have you been influenced by this indoctrination? How about your children? Begin paying attention to the sexual brainwashing in the media - and begin challenging the messages that keep you from claiming a full, healthy sexual life.

Getting In Charge of Stress - Part 3

You always have control of your response to any given situation. Changing your thoughts and beliefs about stressors in your life can have a significant effect on the amount of stress they generate. How does it work?

You identify the negative statements and stories that you tell yourself as you begin to feel stressed and replace that negative internal dialogue with a more positive, solution-oriented one. For example, what happens when you say to yourself, "I'm overwhelmed"? You feel further demoralized rather than empowered. What if you substituted, "I have a lot on my plate but I'll just take one thing at a time"? That sentence knocks your stress down a notch and gives you a plan for how to proceed. Changing your response to stress means you recognize your limits, stop catastrophizing, and decide to stay in the moment.

Quote for the day: "Everything changed the day he figured out there was exactly enough time
for the important things in his life." Brian Andreas

Getting In Charge of Stress - Part 2

After changing, delegating, and eliminating some of the stress producers in your life, there will still be leftover sources of stress which just can't be fixed. That's when you take charge by increasing your resistance to stress and changing your thoughts and beliefs about the stressor.

You increase your stress-tolerance by getting enough sleep at night, exercising several times a week, eating a healthy diet, taking regular time-outs for fun, remembering to breathe deeply, and laughing on a regular basis. Without good self-care, your body is ill-equipped to deal long term with the daily onslaught of stress.

You can also reduce the impact of stress if you have a good support network. Operating in isolation not only limits how much help is available for accomplishing the multitude of tasks facing you each day, it also limits your access to emotional support. Caring, validating people can make a huge difference when you're going through a particularly stressful time.

Tomorrow I'll talk about changing how you think about the stressors in your life.

Getting In Charge of Stress

The first step in managing stress is to figure out what you can eliminate, delegate, or change. Stress can make you feel powerless - as if you have no choices - but you probably have a lot more power than you think. What can you let go or hire out? Where do you need to ask for help? What changes can you make in everyday routines that might make life a little easier? I know one woman who de-stressed her mornings considerably just by deciding the night before what she was going to wear the next day and then getting up 15 minutes earlier to actually enjoy her cup of coffee instead of gulping it down in the car.

Take a close look at how you manage tasks as you move through the day and get creative in thinking about how you might do it differently. To be creative, you'll need to use fresh eyes: view things from the outside in as if you're an expert who's been called in to do an extreme make-over on your life. You may be surprised by your own expertise.

Sexless in Stressville

Many people are living stress-filled lives that leave little time or energy for smelling the roses - or getting turned on for a romp in the hay. A little stress is a good thing - it keeps life interesting - but too much stress turns into dis-stress. If you frequently complain about being 'stressed-out' and feel ready to wave the white flag on all the demands in your life, you're unlikely to be terribly interested in sex. Why would you be? You're running on empty and are lucky to have just enough energy to get you through the day. Your partner's not-so-subtle hints about wanting sex can feel like one more demand that you're supposed to meet. If that sounds like you, it's time to take a hard look at the stress in your life and how you're managing it.

Tomorrow I'll talk about effective stress management strategies.

Relationship Tune-Up

If the sex life with your partner has taken a nose-dive, you may want to take the pulse of your relationship before looking elsewhere for the source of the problem.

Do you and your partner enjoy spending time together? Do you talk to each other? (What time the plumber's coming doesn't count.) Is there an equitable division of household and childcare responsibilities? Are you able to approach differences and conflict with a win-win mindset? Do you laugh often together? Do you make an effort to keep some romance in your relationship?

If the answer to any of these questions is 'no', talk to your partner about what changes you each can make to improve the relationship. If you're unable to make needed changes on your own, don't be afraid to contact a therapist who can help walk you through it. A relationship tune-up may be just the thing to get the sexual pistons firing again.

Creating Feelings

As a marriage therapist, I frequently hear clients say, "I love my partner, but I'm not 'in love' anymore". I always ask the client what they would be doing differently if they were 'in love'. They often say things like, "I'd be more romantic - I'd plan special date nights - I'd come home earlier from work." I then suggest that they begin doing those things - to start acting the way they want to feel.

It is possible to act your way into feeling what you want to feel. It's a little more work, of course, since feelings drive a lot of behavior. When the feeling comes first, action flows easily and spontaneously. But do you really want to be at the mercy of your emotions?

Try taking charge and act your way into the sexual feelings you want to feel.

Manly Men

In addition to exploring touch that's not orgasm-focused and then tapping into intimacy, men can become more sexual beings by identifying what makes them feel really alive. As I've discussed previously, a passion for life feeds sexual passion so it pays to stay excited, curious, and open to wonder. Don't let your mind or body get lazy - keep learning every day and stay physically active. Make sure you're feeding your spirit, as well, by staying in touch with what gives your life a sense of purpose and meaning.

Think about how you define masculinity. Does being a man mean bringing home the bacon, fixing the leaky faucet, chugging a beer during Monday night football, performing in the bedroom? How about tenderness, sensitivity, and compassion? We are all victims of society's narrow definitions of what it means to be male or female. The more you expand your definition of what it means to be a man, the more you bring wholeness to your sexuality.

Sexual Doing vs. Sexual Being

As discussed in yesterday's post, women are not the only ones who've been shortchanged in their sexual learning. Men's sexual conditioning has basically reduced their sexuality to the functioning of their penis. So how can men make the move from sexually 'doing' to sexually 'being'?

First, men need to take some pressure off their penis and stop measuring their manhood by the frequency, quality, and reliability of their erections. Focusing on non-sexual touch is a good beginning, moving on gradually to sexual touch that doesn't end with intercourse. In the focus on the finish line, many men (and their partners) have given short shrift to their many non-genital erogenous zones.

Second, men can ramp up their attention to the intimacy and connection available in sexual contact. Being fully present with your partner changes the focus from outcome to process and brings the whole self into play.

Tune into tomorrow for more on men as sexual beings.