Forgiveness How-To

Yesterday's post was about the benefits of forgiveness. But how do you get there when you just can't seem to let go of a grievance?

If you were hurt by someone you love, consider whether or not their intent was to hurt you. If their behavior was simply thoughtless or insensitive, that doesn't make it ok but it also may not warrant a full-fledged pity party. Try to understand the situation from the other person's point of view.

Decide what you need to do to feel better. Options include confronting the person who harmed you, journaling, talking to a neutral party, going for a run, engaging in a few rounds with a punching bag, doing some deep breathing, meditating, and choosing to live in the moment rather than in the past.

You don't have a lot of control over other people's behavior, but you always retain control over how you respond to it. Don't forget that you have the freedom to choose whether to stew in your angry juices or take positive action to restore your peace of mind.

Forgiveness

There was an article in the paper not long ago about the health benefits of forgiveness. The benefits included reduced stress, reduced pain, better relationships, improved heart health, and greater happiness. People who chose to forgive those that had hurt them were able to get unstuck and move on with their lives. Forgiveness is more for the forgivee than it is the forgiver. It's about claiming responsibility for one's own happiness rather than giving that power to someone else.

If your partner has hurt or angered you (and whose hasn't?), your ability to forgive will have a big impact on your sexual relationship. The grudges that you carry will keep distance between you and your partner and will shut down your sexual desire. Forgiveness for big hurts, like affairs, take time and hard work. Professional help may be needed. But everyone can work on forgiving the little hurts - the disappointments, irritations, and misunderstandings that are part of everyday life in a relationship. You'll be healthier and happier - and will probably have a better sex life.

The Gap

Watching the young, firm-bodied cheerleaders during the NCAA tournament reminds me once again how much we equate youth and sexiness. I hear fear in the voices of many aging women complaining about their husbands looking at beautiful young women on TV or on the street. "The older I get, the bigger the gap is getting between those women and me. It's hard to feel anything even close to sexy anymore."

Just because men enjoy looking at gorgeous women who are half their age doesn't mean they stop being attracted to their partners who are beginning to show some wear and tear. Sexy comes in all ages, shapes, and sizes. Losing touch with your sexiness is a bigger danger than losing your grip on gravity.

Housework and Sex

What do housework and sex have in common? If a woman is doing more than her share of the former, she's probably doing less than her share of the latter. Back in the '70's, there was great hope that the feminist movement was going to equalize things on the homefront. Unfortunately, that hasn't happened. Survey after survey indicates that women are still shouldering the biggest part of the housework regardless of how many hours they work outside the home.

Interestingly enough, this inequity seems to be one of the major turn-offs for married women as well as unmarried women living with a partner. I've frequently referred to resentment as a significant desire-killer. Women who may already be low-desire are especially vulnerable to the effect of resentment. When low-desire women begin feeling overburdened and burned-out, sex is often the first thing that gets dropped from their to-do list.

If you're one of those women, share today's blog with your partner to help him understand the cost of his underinvolvement in housework. If you're a man who'd like more sex with your partner, you might want to first drag out the sweeper.

Beliefs

Every day in my work as a therapist, I witness the power of beliefs to shape people's lives. Those who believe the world is a dangerous place live with an anxious anticipation that often contributes to the negative outcomes they fear. Those who believe in a more benign universe tend to expect positive outcomes and go about creating them.

What you believe about your own sexuality has the same kind of impact on your sexual life. If you believe that your low desire makes you an asexual person, then that's probably what you will be. If, however, you believe that your sexuality is far more than the degree of spontaneous desire you feel, you'll probably find ways to actively nurture and express your sexuality.

If you're aware of operating out of negative sexual beliefs about yourself, you can begin challenging them. It's never too late to adopt a belief that promises new possibilities for your sexual self.

Technical Trouble - Part 2

Men aren't the only ones who experience technical difficulties when it comes to sex. Their difficulty just might seem more urgent since intercourse depends on a certain degree of erectile functioning. But what about women's technical difficulties?

Women who take a good while to get aroused and struggle to reach orgasm even after prolonged foreplay can also feel a great deal of frustration - which can translate to sexual avoidance even when desire is present. Their partners can feel frustrated, too, and end up concluding that it's more work than it's worth. It's another destructive sexual dynamic that has the power to wound and lead to a sexual void.

As with men, women need to take the pressure off of themselves to be orgasmic in every sexual interaction. And men need to stop judging themselves a failure if their partner doesn't come every time. Orgasm depends on being fully present in the moment and giving oneself over to the physical sensations. That is rarely possible when there is pressure and a specific expected outcome.

Technical Trouble

The stereotype of the sexually disinterested woman and the 'always ready to go' man is still hanging around. The truth is that a lot of men are struggling with low desire. Erection difficulties may be one of the reasons.

All men are subject to occasional problems with getting or sustaining an erection, and it's estimated that over 25 million men suffer from impotence on a regular basis. Impotence is a treatable condition, but men often delay seeking treatment because of embarrassment or a belief that the problem will eventually just go away. During that delay, a destructive pattern of sexual avoidance and decreased desire often sets in.

A man may avoid sex out of fear of failure and his partner may be equally avoidant out of frustration over trying to help him maintain an erection. A woman can also take the erection difficulty personally, assuming (incorrectly) that she no longer has what it takes to turn her partner on.

This pattern of sexual distancing can be prevented if couples talk openly about changes or glitches in their sexual interaction. Getting treatment, becoming less performance oriented, and staying out of blame mode are all key in dealing with more than just the occasional 'technical trouble'.

Oxytocin and Trust

I've posted previously about the bonding effect of oxytocin - a hormone released during sex. Now there's more evidence of that effect. People who were given oxytocin by nasal spray were found to be twice as likely to give their money to a trustee for investment purposes.

Being more willing to trust may be a liability when making financial decisions with strangers, but it's definitely an asset in relationships. In the context of a loving relationship, sex is certainly more than a chain of chemical reactions - but it's nice to know that your body is working for you during sex to increase connection and trust.

Comparisons

It's human nature to wonder how you measure up to others and to wonder if you're 'normal'. Due to people's privacy in the sexual realm, you may lack a frame of reference for where you stand. It might help you to know that if you're struggling with sexual problems, you've got a lot of company.

In a recent survey, over 56% of those polled reported dissatisfaction with their sex life. The most commonly reported problems were lack of desire and erection difficulties. Another very common issue was the inability of women (70%) to climax during intercourse. Because intercourse provides little direct stimulation of the clitoris, most women need at least 20 minutes or so of foreplay in order to reach orgasm - and still may not do so during intercourse. That's normal. As men and women age, both may need more foreplay in order to get aroused.

Just knowing how you compare to others doesn't solve your sexual problems, but it may help you take the problems less personally. When you're not blaming yourself or your partner, you're closer to a solution.

On the Radar Screen

There are a multitude of things competing for your attention every minute of every day. As Stephen Covey points out in his book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, you may end up attending to things that feel urgent but aren't really important. It's also easy to fritter away your time answering email, doing the daily jumble, or watching Survivor.

A lot of your time is eaten up by children, a job, a house - things that don't feel discretionary. But when you decide that something else is important - like exercising, journaling, or spending time with friends - you move it up in your list of priorities and find ways to make room for it.

You put it on your calendar, leave sticky notes on your bathroom mirror, and add it to your list of things to do. You don't leave it to chance and you don't wait until you just happen to have a chunk of open time.

Think about how you might take sex from the far margins of your life and move it a little closer to center. If it's not on your radar screen, it's unlikely to get much play.

Time Enough

'Not enough time' is probably a frequent refrain in your life, yet everyone has the same 24 hours available to them each day. The truth is you make time for what is most important to you. Often a very small investment of time reaps big rewards. Intention may be what's needed more than big chunks of time.

How much time do you think is required to improve your sex life? Not as much as you might imagine. An average lovemaking session lasts 20-30 minutes (if you're lucky). If you replaced an hour of television each week with 30 minutes of bonding time and 30 minutes of sex, you and your relationship would benefit enormously.

Keeping sex on your radar screen is a bigger challenge than creating time. I'll post on that tomorrow.

Wanting

I recently saw a movie in which a simple line of dialogue struck a chord with me. The line was, "Wanting keeps us alive." It got me to thinking about how desire - for a new house, for a promotion, for love, for a book contract, for a vacation in the Bahamas - can energize and excite us. But the desired thing has to feel attainable, and the desire has to be strong enough to push us into action.

When desire is little more than a wish - like 'I wish I'd win the lottery' - it rarely translates into motivated and sustained effort. If we truly want something, we begin identifying the steps to get it.

Improvement in your sex life will be little to non-existent if your want isn't big enough. If your motivation is waning, it might help to revisit the rewards you anticipate in achieving your goal. Greater closeness in your relationship, more energy, increased vitality, etc. Remember that desire begins in the mind....

Whose Fault?

When you begin feeling dissatisfied in a relationship, you probably see your partner as the problem. It's not nearly as easy (or as satisfying) to examine what role you play in the problem.
The down side of staying in the blaming mode is that it leaves you powerless to create change.

A different approach is to think about what it's like living with you as a partner. At your worst, what is one word that describes what it's like living with you? Are you being the partner that you want to have?

Sexual problems are especially susceptible to blaming behavior. You focus on your partner's pressure or lack of interest. You might want to try a week-long experiment in which you only concentrate on changing your part of the sexual dynamic in your relationship. Deciding to change is a lot more effective than waiting until you feel like changing - or waiting until your partner changes.

Sexual Learning

A few months ago, I got my first speeding ticket and ended up in traffic school to avoid having points added to my license. Despite my irritation and my assumption that I'd be sitting through several hours of drivel, I was surprised to find that I actually learned a few things during the class.

When you've been doing something for 20, 30, 40 years or more, it's easy to assume that you know all there is to know about it. That's the attitude many people have toward sex. But sexual learning is virtually inexhaustible - not only because there is so much information available but because your own sexuality and that of your partner is constantly changing.

Recognizing that there is always something new to learn and remaining open to new input allows your sexuality to grow and evolve. Actively seeking new information through books, classes, and movies as well as keeping up a sexual dialogue with your partner ensure that you stay on the path of sexual learning.

More Help On the Way

I've posted previously on testosterone supplements that can increase a woman's sex drive. Now a new testosterone ointment that is intended to treat sexual desire problems in women is being tested in medical facilities across the nation. The ointment is expected to be prescribed in limited areas in the coming months. Initial trials will focus on women between 30 and 65 who have had their ovaries removed.

Family Therapy Magazine reports that if the drug is approved by the FDA, BioSante Pharmaceuticals will make it available to women with low desire. The drug, LibiGel is applied on the skin of the upper arm. The testosterone contained in the gel is then gradually absorbed into the bloodstream where it increases energy levels as well as libido.

As with all drugs, I'm sure there will be the potential for unwanted side effects. But if you're best efforts to recharge your sex drive have been unsuccessful, there may be more assistance soon available.

Illusions of Scarcity

Sometimes scarcity isn't an illusion at all when it comes to opportunities for sex in a long-term relationship. Teenage children who are awake at all hours, long hours spent at work, a partner who travels frequently, caregiving for aging parents - there is no shortage of demands on your time, energy, and availability. When you have to struggle just to carve out some time for intimacy, desire may arise out of the struggle.

If lack of opportunity isn't your problem, you can create desire by building anticipation for something that isn't available now, but soon will be. Whether it's a seductive phone call during the work day or modeling sexy lingerie you're saving for an upcoming weekend getaway, the buildup creates passion. Or you can experiment with having sex in places or situations you would normally consider off-limits - on your back deck after the neighbors have gone to bed, in the car during one of the band's breaks, very silently in your bedroom when your parents are visiting - you get the idea.

There's a place for routine, predictable, comforting sex. But when you crave something more, engaging in the forbidden and the unexpected can always create some excitement.

Paying the Price

At a dinner party last night, the conversation turned to the recent discovery of the New York govenor's extra-curricular activities. The question tossed around the group was what kind of sex could possibly be worth over $1000 an hour.

Why men pay prostitutes for sex and what they get for their money are not new questions, but they're hot topics on a lot of morning news shows these days. Theories from 'experts' about the why include lack of satisfaction at home (yeah, blame the women), desire for anonymous, no-strings-attached sex, indulgence of sexual fetishes, and the polygamous nature of men. That just scratches the surface.

Regardless of what Spitzer was seeking from his extramarital liasions, the speculation is a great conversation-starter for you and your partner. Finding out what your partner believes drives men to seek satisfaction from prostitutes could be enlightening. It might even suggest some changes or additions to your own sex life.

I'm headed to New York myself for the weekend - with my husband - so I won't be posting again until Monday.

Still Wanting

If we want what we cannot have, then how do people in long-term committed relationships keep wanting each other? The answer lies in a shifting experience of desire. Just as you can still feel delicious anticipation while chocolate chip cookies are baking in the oven even when you're not on a diet, you can continue to relish the closeness and physical pleasure of intimacy with your partner long after the initial thrill has gone.

Desire in response to scarcity can be a painful experience. Wanting what you know is available brings comfort and contentment. That contentment is one of the joys of long-term relationships in which there is mutual give and take. Contentment may sound lukewarm compared to the hot passion of earlier sex with your partner, but you don't have to completely sacrifice one for the other.

Passion and desire can be created by the illusion of scarcity. More on that tomorrow.

What is Desire?

All you have to do is go on a diet to discover how denying yourself the foods you love creates incredible cravings. You may find yourself dreaming of Snickers or mint chocolate chip ice cream. You think a lot more about the foods that are forbidden than you ever did before you declared them off-limits.

Desire most frequently arises in response to a perception of scarcity or unavailability. That's why desire is so intense when a relationship is new and sex is not yet a sure thing. Or why couples get so horny when one of them is out of commission following surgery or childbirth. It's also why sexual infrequency within a relationship tends to escalate the desire of the more interested partner. When there's no longer a sense of deprivation, motivation goes down.

So what does all that say about desire in long-term relationships? It's not as hopeless as it sounds. More on that tomorrow.

Sexual Starvation

Everyone knows you can live without sex. Because sex isn't necessary for survival, it's easy to forget that it's a drive, like hunger. For someone with a strong sex drive, it feels like "If I don't get it, I will die."

I've referred in previous posts to sex and relationship expert, Pat Love, who describes herself as a very low-desire person. In order to understand her husband's experience as a high-desire person, she decided to get some testosterone injections to boost her libido. It turned out to be an eye-opening experiment. For the first time in her life, she felt a need for sex that went beyond a simple want. The need felt like an itch begging to be scratched. There was a physical discomfort in going without sex that she could never have imagined in her typical low-desire state.

Ms. Love eventually discontinued the testosterone supplements, but the experiement forever changed how she related to her husband's sexual desire. She became intentional about keeping sex a priority in their relationship and learned to allow her husband's desire to stimulate her own. She could no longer stand the idea of 'sexually starving' the man she loved.

Resistance

For every good intention or lofty goal your 'higher' self has ever had, your 'lower' self has leaped in with a complaint, an excuse, or some other form of sabotage. Sometimes you've persevered and followed through with your intention - achieved your goal - and other times you've allowed the voice of resistance to defeat you.

What's important to know is that resistance will always accompany any worthwhile endeavor you take on. Whether your goal is losing weight, writing a book, learning to play an instrument, or trimming your cat's claws on a regular basis, resistance will find you and raise all kinds of ruckus in an effort to get you back to status quo - ground zero. The sabotage can take many forms: distraction, convincing you the task is too difficult or isn't important, casting doubt on your ability to achieve it, conning you into the easier side of life.

As you work on improving your sex life, expect resistance to be a frequent companion. Acknowledge the voice that tells you it isn't worth it or things will never change - and then turn back to the intention of your higher self. Resistance has only the amount of power that you give it.

Feelings Aren't Facts

We give a lot of power to our feelings. We treat feelings as factual input and often allow them to determine our behavior. We forget that feelings are very subjective and can arise from faulty perceptions. Ever wake up one morning and feel really fat? It's not because you gained 10 pounds while you slept. It's a distortion based on a certain mirror angle or on self-doubt fed by a recent break-up or on a comparison to a skinny friend you saw last night. The point is, you respond to the feeling as if it's a statement of truth and then are filled with self-loathing.

Feelings can contain important information, but they need to be carefully scanned to see if they arise from inaccurate perceptions and assumptions. It's also important to stay in charge of how you respond to a feeling even if it seems legitimate. For example, you can allow an absence of sexual feelings to shut down your sex life or you can decide to act your way into feeling what you want to feel.

Feelings are important. Just not nearly as important as you probably think they are.

Reversing Roles

It seems to be a perverse Catch-22 that men often want sex in order to feel intimate and women want intimacy before feeling any interest in sex. Of course that's a big generalization but it reflects the experience of millions of men and women in relationships. So what's the answer?

One solution is to put the higher desire partner in charge of intimacy and the lower desire partner in charge of sex. That may sound strange, but it reverses the tired old dynamic of one person pushing their own agenda while the other person digs their heels in and resists. In the new scenario, the person wanting more sex pays careful attention to what kind of intimacy their partner is seeking - date nights, walks after dinner, cuddling on the couch - and puts their energy into meeting those needs. The person who's less interested in sex puts more energy into being sexual - initiating sexual encounters, suggesting new sexual behaviors, flirting.

A role reversal could be just what you're sex life is waiting for.

Chemistry

Many people mistake sexual attraction for love and assume that a reduction in sexual desire means that love is waning. However, sexual chemistry has a lot more to do with hormones and the action of 'feel-good' neurotransmitters than it has to do with love. That magical love potion casts a kind of spell that's actually a very poor predictor of relationship success.

Eventually you build up a tolerance for the 'love potion'. Studies have found that there's a drop-off in desire at around the 6 month point in a relationship and another decline at one-and-a-half to two years. Secrecy and distance can extend the life of the potion.

Knowing that a decline in sexual desire is normal at certain points in a relationship can help people from over-reacting and/or misinterpreting what that decline means. The decline certainly doesn't mean the end of passion. That part is still up to you.

Staying Connected

More relationships die as a result of distance and disconnection than from any other cause. Over 80% of divorcing couples say "we grew apart". Why is growing apart such a common phenomenon?

In the romantic phase of a relationship, lovers shower each other with interest and attention. This kind of intense interest is a natural aphrodisiac. It's not surprising that lovemaking early on is spontaneous, frequent, and passionate. Over time, partners become reabsorbed into the flow of every day life and responsibilities, and there is a gradual withdrawal of interest in one another. That withdrawal of interest is the biggest source of disconnection in relationships.

It's unrealistic to think that the romantic phase of a relationship can last forever. However, when you notice that you're feeling distant and disconnected from your partner, it's time for a course correction. Investing some energy and interest in each other will not only help keep you connected but will provide a natural boost to libidos, as well.

The Answer is 'Yes'

I've posted previously on everyone's right to turn down a partner's sexual invite. Even if you are committed to making sex a priority, there will be times when you are simply too tired, too sick, too preoccupied, too__________(fill in the blank) to get up for getting down.

Here's another point of view by a well-respected expert in matters of sex and love. Pat Love (that really is her name) suggests that the higher desire partner gets to say when sex happens and the lower desire partner gets to say how it happens. She certainly allows for exceptions, but what she's saying is that each partner's needs are important. To accomodate the higher desire partner's need for more frequent sex, the lower desire person says yes to most invites. To accomodate the lower desire person's lack of interest or energy, that person gets to determine what kind of action they're up for, including quickies.

It's an interesting solution to the dilemma of desire differences. Neither partner is a villain and both partners get their need at least partially met. You might want to give it a try.

Missing Kissing

When a couple's sex life falls apart, affectionate touching tends to disappear, as well. That's partly due to the emotional distance in the relationship, but is also a result of the less interested partner fearing that any physical affection will be interpreted as a sexual signal.

Kissing is frequently one of the first things to go as there is something quite intimate about giving your partner more than a passing peck on the lips. Even couples who are still having sex may have stopped kissing passionately. For those who are trying to revive their sexual relationship, discomfort with kissing their partner may feel like an insurmountable barrier.

It's important not to assume that 'kissing discomfort' means your physical relationship is doomed. It just takes time and patience with rebuilding intimacy before comfort with kissing returns. For many couples, it's not the best place to start. But for most couples, it's a great place to finish.

Sexual Aversion

If your feeling about sex is more aversion than disinterest - in other words, you're in the minus range on the sexual desire scale - it's important to identify the source of your sexual shutdown. Did you enjoy sex at another time in your life? With someone else? Is your shutdown rooted in problems within your relationship or is it due to past sexual trauma, shame, or guilt?

The answers to those questions aren't always easy to come by. Sometimes there are layers of sexual wounding that have led you to create a wall of self-protection around your sexuality. For example, long-standing guilt about an affair or shame about having contracted a sexually transmitted disease may have led to an avoidance of sex. That avoidance can then spell trouble in a relationship which compounds the sexual issues.

Sexual aversion in your relationship is a problem best addressed in therapy. If you're reluctant to start with couple therapy, begin therapy individually. The problem is unlikely to get better without some outside help.