Eating Light

Have you ever been on a romantic getaway weekend, looked forward to some great hotel sex, and then eaten so much at a wonderful little Italian restaurant that the only moaning that followed dinner came from you and your partner trying to digest dinner?

An overly-full stomach zaps sexual interest. Not only does eating too much make you uncomfortable, your body is too busy digesting your meal to be very sexually responsive. So if you want to keep sexual interest stirring, stop eating right at the point of satisfaction. If you don't stop eating until you feel filled up, you'll be overly full. And be sure to plan a light meal before your next sex date.

Sexual Appeasement

I've posted before on the problem with obligatory sex - the "I'll just go along with it because it's easier than fighting about it" sex. Not exactly satisfying for either party. A close cousin to obligatory sex is appeasement sex.

Appeasement sex is often initiated by the less interested person when they notice their partner becoming increasingly tense or cranky from not 'getting any'. The low desire person offers up sex as a kind of tranquilizer, knowing that their partner will be more relaxed and in a better mood for days afterward.

When sex is dispensed as valium to 'soothe the savage beast', there's an absence of mutuality and intimacy. A sexually hungry partner is probably not going to turn down tranquilizer sex, but is unlikely to feel any long-lasting satiation of their hunger. The hunger is for a lot more than sex.

TV Women

Women on TV, from Desperate Housewives to Grey's Anatomy, certainly don't seem to be lacking in the desire department. TV couples get it on happily even in uncomfortable and unlikely settings. The portrayal of women as sexy creatures with very healthy sexual appetites is a mixed blessing.

On the one hand, women possessing their own desire is a step up from being simply an object of desire. On the other hand, females with little on the brain other than sex hardly reflect the reality of today's hard-working, multi-tasking, often exhausted women. Going from sex object to sex fiend may be a questionable improvement in models for a healthy sexual orientation.

Women don't need another unrealistic standard to increase their guilt or sense of inadequacy. When sexuality is an integral part of self, sex is less about hopping into bed at the drop of a hat and more about total aliveness.

Sex Detox

One of the morning shows today had a sexpert suggesting sex detox for people whose sex lives have become hum-drum. The detox involves going on a sex fast for a period of time to let new interest build. Like swearing off carbs and then dreaming about a mountain of mashed potatoes, the forbidden becomes more enticing. A sex fast can break up an overly predictable routine and create some excitement.

I've also recommended this approach to many couples whose sexual relationship has become toxic. If differences in desire have created major conflict and tension, declaring a truce and a sexual time-out is often necessary before the problem can be effectively addressed. Usually the person with higher desire isn't wild about this plan, but the relief from the partner with lower desire is unmistakable. As long as the goal is resolving the conflict and restoring healthy intimacy to the relationship, both will benefit from a time of abstinence.

Whether you need to break a toxic pattern or just inject new energy into your sex life, abstinence might just make the heart (or whatever) grow fonder.

Krispy Kreme Donuts

Statistics show that extramarital affairs increase in later decades. There are probably a number of reasons why that's the case - boredom or dissatisfaction with a long-term relationship, greater opportunity (courtesy of more money, power, and free time), and compensation for losses, to mention only a few. What is it about loss that drives people out of the marital bed?

Loss creates a hunger for intimate bonding. Sex brings comfort, affirmation, distraction, and a lessening of pain. Losses accumulate as people age, and sex is a very specific balm for the losses that accompany aging. Losing youthful bodies, hair, energy, reliable erections, reliable lubrication - I don't want you to be a sore loser here, but it's a lot to absorb.

Sex, especially with someone new, makes you feel young again. Unfortunately, it's kind of like eating several hot Krispy Kreme donuts - extremely delicious, but very little substance. And tomorrow you're stuck with the consequences. It's another reason for keeping sex hot with the one you're with.

Sprucing Up

If you've recently sold a house, you probably spruced it up a bit before putting it on the market. Fresh paint, new carpet, clean closets - by the time you finished fixing it up, you may have had second thoughts about moving.

A similar phenomenon sometimes happens when someone is on their way out of a relationship. They may lose weight, start dressing differently, get a new hairstyle - all to attract a new mate. You have to wonder what difference it might have made in the old relationship if they had presented more of their 'best self' to their partner. Not that it's all about looks, but carelessness with appearance is often a superficial signal of more significant carelessness in the relationship.

Responding to your partner with the same care and attention you'd probably invest in someone new is a great way to increase the satisfaction in your current relationship.

Ending the Drought

If you and your partner haven't had sex for a long time, anxiety or awkwardness about reconnecting can prolong your sexual drought. However, avoiding what you fear just maintains the fear. It's only by feeling the fear and doing it anyway that you begin to overcome your discomfort.

Talking with your partner about your anxiety or discomfort is a good beginning. Reconnecting with some non-sexual touch is also helpful. Agree ahead of time what kind of touch is acceptable and stick to the agreement. There's no set timetable for when you need to progress to the next level. Take as much time as you need. The important thing is that you're moving in the direction of more physical closeness.

Resentment - The Kiss of Death

I've posted before on how resentment squashes desire. Recently, I was reminded of how particularly deadly resentment is for someone who already has very low desire.

Unlike the person with high desire, for a lower desire person to get in the mood there has to be a real effort put into switching gears, getting out of a busy mind, letting go of agendas, and becoming receptive to touch. For that person, there's no switch to flip that turns on desire. Now consider how impossible it may feel to get turned on if resentment is part of the picture.

For someone with little sexual interest, resentment destroys any motivation to make the effort to be sexual. In fact, resentment can be such a huge turn-off that even kissing one's partner can be difficult. It's one more reason to be vigilant in keeping resentment out of a relationship.

Too Much Work?

People who have little or no sexual interest often respond to their partner's sexual overtures with irritation or even disdain. They want their partner to simply 'get over it' and settle for the sexual crumbs being doled out. I've heard more than a few people complain that trying to work up desire that they don't feel naturally is just too much work.

Exactly what constitutes too much work? It's work to listen when you don't feel like listening. It's work to understand when a partner's position seems incomprehensible. It's work to accomodate a partner's differences. For some reason, sex is often put in a different category from other efforts made for the benefit of a relationship. Yet efforts in the sexual arena yield some of the greatest relationship dividends. Those who question the value of the work involved in making sex a priority might want to do another cost/benefit analysis.

Giving What You Want to Get

Early in my marriage, my husband would give me potted plants for special occasions. They were beautiful plants, but what I really wanted was fresh-cut flowers. I tried to let him know my preference, but I had to nudge him several more times before he finally 'got it'. It just didn't make sense to him why I would want flowers that died after only a few days when I could have a plant that lived forever.

Bottom line, my request didn't need to make sense. However, we often give to others what we think 'makes sense' - usually meaning what we, ourselves, would like to get if the roles were reversed.

It works that way with sex, as well. If you like nothing better than having your body stroked with a feathery light touch, you're likely to use that kind of touch with your partner - who might just find it downright irritating. That's another reason why giving and receiving feedback about each other's sexual preferences is so valuable. When it comes to sex (and lots of other things), I'd suggest this revision of the golden rule: Do to others what they would want you to do to them.

From Frustration to Action

When a woman finds her partner's sexual interest waning, the obvious first step is to start a conversation. It can be a tricky conversation since men are often touchy and defensive about a lagging libido. The emphasis needs to be on how much you miss the physical part of your relationship - not on his defects or deficiencies. Ask for help in understanding what he's feeling and experiencing and don't be easily put off if he seems reluctant to talk. Let him know that you value the relationship too much to ignore something that might threaten it. Find out if there's anything you can do to help the situation.

Of course, you can't force someone to talk. If he needs time to figure things out on his own, give him some space. Tell him that you want to try the conversation again in a month. Meanwhile, focus on depersonalizing his lack of sexual interest. Even if you have put on 20 pounds in the last few years, his sexual shutdown has much more to do with him than it has to do with you. Work on maintaining non-physical kinds of intimacy and be sure you're still doing things together as a couple. Withdrawing only escalates the problem - it doesn't solve it.

Do things that enhance your self-esteem. Follow through on reaching goals, spend time with friends, exercise, treat yourself with kindness. Hopefully, you and your partner will be able to resume a physical relationship that works for both of you. If not, consider joint therapy. If he won't go, go by yourself. It's a good investment.

Caught by the Stereotype

When a woman finds that she is the only one in her relationship interested in sex, she feels more than unwanted and unloved. She feels like something is terribly wrong. Men just aren't supposed to be the ones who turn down sex.

She may initially try to figure out what's going on with him. Is he depressed? Is it the medications he's taking? Is he stressed out over his job? The questions may become suspicions as she wonders whether her partner is having an affair. After all, he has to be getting it somewhere, doesn't he?

When the questions fail to turn up any answers, many women then assume it has to be about themselves. They fear its the extra pounds they've put on or the wrinkles they've accumulated that are turning a partner off. Or they assume that their partner simply doesn't love them anymore. A man who has little or no desire for sex is just hard for them to conceive.

How a woman responds to her partner's lack of desire is important. I'll talk about that tomorrow.

Men Rejecting Sex

I've posted previously about the pain that accompanies sexual rejection. Both men and women typically feel undesirable, unwanted, and unloved when a partner frequently refuses sex or goes to great lengths to avoid it.

In the cultural stereotype, there's a man who's always raring to go and a woman who's rarely, if ever, interested. Of course, we know that men can also have very little desire. Women who want an active sex life experience a different kind of rejection when their partner turns down their attempts to initiate sex. It's different because of women's conditioning.

Women are conditioned to be objects of desire, and their self-esteem often rests in how desirable they feel. In their early experiences with men, women are the recipients of sexual attention. That attention is sometimes wanted and sometimes not, but either way, women set the sexual limits. Sexual disinterest from a male in dating realtionships is more the exception than the rule.

Tomorrow I'll talk about what happens when women encounter the exception.

Cycles of Love

Anyone in a long-term relationship knows that love has its ups and downs. Like the seasons, relationships experience times of decay, fallow times, times of rebirth, and times of full bloom. These seasons of love come again and again throughout a couple's life together.

If you're not aware of the cyclical nature of love, you may over-interpret the natural ebb and flow of connection and intimacy with your lover. When distance creeps in, you might tell yourself a story of no longer being in love- or feel that your partner is no longer in love with you.
That's a dangerous story. Real love is more than a feeling. It's a commitment to ride the waves of loving and not loving- and staying put.

Sex has its cycles as well. Though couples can always keep sex a priority in their lives, the kind of sex a couple shares will change with the seasons of their love. Accepting the changes and moving with the flow allows sex to remain a touch-stone of connection.

Keeping Sex Going When the Going Gets Rough

When you're going through a difficult time, your sex life may seem to be the least of your concerns. I see people every day who are struggling with loss, financial stress, job nightmares, parent heartaches, etc. They can easily become so consumed with their problem that they neglect their primary relationship.

Unfortunately, neglecting your relationship can cut you off from a valuable source of support. By being unavailable, you also risk alienating your partner and creating an additional source of stress. Couple conflict makes virtually any problem a whole lot worse.

Sex not only ensures that you stay in touch with your partner, it's also an escape and a tension reliever. When your world seems to be falling apart, sex can be an oasis of pleasure and comfort. And when could you need it more?

More Alike than Different

I was recently asked if same-sex couples need to approach the problem of low desire any differently than opposite-sex couples. Though male/female relationships are my reference point when posting, I do that primarily for the ease of writing. I apologize for my lack of inclusivity. I wish there was a way to write with more gender-neutral pronouns.

In answer to the question, I approach low desire in gay and lesbian relationships the same way I do in heterosexual relationships. Making sex a higher priority, deciding to be more sexual, attending to one's partner, nurturing intimacy, staying fully engaged with the senses - all of these suggestions are relevant regardless of your sexual orientation.

I do believe that sex is a more loaded issue for many gays because of our society's great difficulty with accepting differences. Labeling gay sex as perverted, unnatural, or sick creates enormous shame and discomfort which can contaminate gay relationships and contribute to low desire. Sexual reprogramming is often needed for straight individuals to have a healthy sexual relationship. For gays and lesbians, it's essential.

Eyes Wide Open

One more hint on ramping up intimacy: be sure to make plenty of eye contact. During the dating phase of a relationship, extensive eye contact is the norm. You know, the old 'gazing into your lover's eyes' thing. As familiarity sets in, there is typically less and less direct eye contact. As a result, partners begin to feel less visible and less important to each other.

Looking directly at your partner is a sign that you're paying attention. During conversation, you're also more likely to hear what your partner is saying if you're making eye contact - and your partner is more likely to feel heard.

Eye contact is particularly intimate during lovemaking. If you usually close your eyes during sex, you might want to try keeping them open. You may find that it opens up a whole new avenue of connection.

Knowing and Being Known

I posted yesterday about tuning in and paying attention to your partner. Real intimacy depends on knowing your partner and being known by them. Not knowing who they were when you met them 20 years ago, but who they are now.

It's difficult to know each other without sharing thoughts and feelings on a regular basis - the kind of sharing you probably did in the beginning of your relationship. After being together for a long time, the bulk of your conversations are more likely to be about the kids, the broken toilet, and the new carpet you're having installed.

So how do you get back to sharing on a more personal and emotional level? Try setting aside a regular time to talk. Ask open-ended, feeling oriented questions, like "what's the biggest challenge in your life these days?" or "what brings you the most joy?" Share your own struggles and successes. Discuss what you'd each like your lives to look like 5 years from now.

Knowing and being known brings increased vitality and interest to a couple's sexual relationship. It's not a quick fix for lagging libidos, but the payoff in the long run is worth the investment.

'Sometimes On My Mind'

Busy, demanding schedules often lead to a division of lives as well as a division of labor. You might remember a time when you actually had fun shopping for groceries as a couple. Now grocery shopping is probably more often a frantic stop on the way home from work to get ingredients for dinner.

If your relationship has become somewhat stale and you feel like your partner is little more than a roommate, you may want to consider strategies for breathing new life into it. Eroticism is one of the most reliable mechanisms for infusing energy and awareness into relationships.

Eroticizing your relationship involves much more than increasing how often you have sex. It's about being fully present and truly seeing your partner. It's noticing and paying attention. It's full participation in the life you share with your partner. "Always On My Mind"may only play in the early stage of a relationship, but 'sometimes on my mind' is something to shoot for.

Single and Sexy (Part 3)

Do you try to avoid sexual thoughts when you're not in a relationship? Maybe thinking about sex when you don't have a partner feels like reading a cookbook when you're on a diet. But enjoying sexual thoughts and fantasies is part of staying sexy. So is doing what makes you feel sexy.

You're more likely to feel sexy when you feel good about yourself. Be sure you're still taking care with your appearance - you're setting goals and going after them - you're socializing - you're laughing and finding joy in living. Nothing is less sexy than a sour disposition.

If you're feeling good about yourself but still feeling sexless, read or watch something erotic. Try your hand at writing your own erotica. Find safe targets for practicing your flirtation skills. Go out to a dance club with friends. Massage your body with the jets in a hot tub. And don't forget the value of pleasuring yourself.

Staying sexy may be a lot tougher when you're on your own, but it's an opportunity to cultivate your sexuality and really claim it. A future partner is sure to appreciate it.

Single and Sexy (Part 2)

Whether you're having sex or not, you are a sexual being. Your sexuality encompasses your comfort in your body, your feelings about being male or female, and your sensory awareness. It influences how you interact with others and how you are perceived by others. Your sexuality is a source of energy and passion that helps keep you engaged with life.

Remembering that your sexuality is not dependent on a partner is the first step toward staying sexy when you're single. The second step is staying aware of your body. Awareness is fostered through exercise and good physical self-care as well as treating your body to an array of sensory pleasures - exotic foods, scented lotions, barefoot walks in the grass, hot baths, luxurious fabrics, high-quality sheets, homemade bread, and time in front of a fireplace to mention only a few.

Make sure you're still getting touched. Hug your friends, get a massage, borrow a friend's baby if you don't have one of your own, or trade neck rubs with a relative. Skin hunger is real and can be managed even without a sex partner. Keeping your body's nerve endings in good working order is part of staying fully alive.

Tomorrow I'll post more on nurturing your sexuality while single.

Single and Sexy

In writing about keeping the drive alive and staying in touch with one's sexuality, I've focused primarily on people in relationships. I'd like to address the sexuality of singles in the next few posts.

Some singles feel blessed when their sex drive shuts down since their solo gratification may leave them feeling somewhat less than satisfied. Others realize that shutting down sexually results in an overall loss of vitality and passion for living. And forget radiating sexual energy to potential partners if the sexual juices are allowed to dry up. So how do you remain a full sexual being without access to sexual expression with a partner?

The challenge may be greater for singles, but the answer to that question is similar to the answer for low desire people in relationships. It starts with claiming one's sexuality independent of a partner and then finding ways to nurture its presence. Over the next couple of days, I'll post on being single and sexy. I'd also be interested in hearing from those who have managed to stay sexually energized without a partner.

Hot, Hot, Hot!

I have a t-shirt that reads, "I'm still hot - now it just comes in flashes." If you're a woman suffering from frequent hot flashes, you may have trouble feeling the other kind of 'hot'. In fact, sex itself may induce a hot flash. It can be a challenge to keep up an active sex life when you have trouble staying cool even without your partner's body heat added to the mix.

Staying cool so you can stay 'hot' may take some creativity. You can mount one of those clip-on fans to the headboard of your bed (also great for middle of the night hot flashes). You can experiment with ice cubes and chilled body lotions. A cold drink on your bedside table may help. Try lowering the thermostat about 10 degrees before heading off to bed. Since your partner may wake up shivering in the morning, pile an extra blanket on his side of the bed or ask him to adjust the thermostat before going to sleep.

With some creative problem solving, hot flashes don't have to put a chill on your sex life. Think cool and stay 'hot'.

Destructive Sex Dance

I don't need to detail all the ways that sex can be destructive and abusive. But what often comes to mind when people think about sexuality's hurtful potential is sexual assault, sexual harrassment, child sexual abuse, child pornography, etc. Unfortunately, sexual wounding can also occur in couple relationships as partners struggle to resolve differences in desire and create a safe environment for physical intimacy.

Sex has incredible potential both to unite and divide. The bonding power of physical touch is basically nullified when serious conflict erupts over the quantity and quality of that touch. The dance of pressure and avoidance can become a defining theme for a relationship, coloring all aspects of a couple's life together. Sadly, couples frequently get stuck in that dance and keep repeating the same steps over and over.

If you're stuck in a destructive sex dance with your partner, it may be time to get some outside help. Healing is needed before sex can become a comfortable and joyful source of connection.

Whose Need Counts?

I recently got an email from a woman who felt very rejected after a failed attempt to initiate sex with her husband. She let him know she was interested, and he put her off because of a basketball game he was watching. You can probably guess what story she told herself about his response - something on the order of "he cares more about that damn game than he cares about me".

It's hard not to take rejection personally - especially in the sexual arena -but the husband could just as easily have been offended at his wife's uncaring attitude toward his investment in the game. There's no right or wrong when partners have conflicting needs. The important thing is how the different needs are handled. The wife could have joined her husband in watching the remainder of the game, the husband could have taped the game to watch later, or they could simply have made a commitment to a sex date at a later time.

Taking each other's needs seriously is the key to finding solutions that work for both partners. In a relationship, the needs of both count.

Power Balance

Using sex as leverage or withholding sex as punishment is an outgrowth of differences in desire. The person in a relationship who has less interest in sex holds power over their partner whether they want that power or not. The imbalance of power can be minimized if both partners are committed to the goal of a healthy sexual relationship.

When sex is viewed as an important source of bonding rather than simply a physical need, differences in desire are managed through mutual accomodation and concern for the relationship. The low desire person cares about sex both because it's important to their partner and because it enhances the intimacy in their relationship.

A balance of power is important because true intimacy requires it. When sex becomes a power struggle, a lot more is at stake than your sex life.

'Earning' Sex

In the advice column, "Annie's Mailbox", there was a letter today from a man complaining about women who expect men to earn sex. His girlfriend apparently didn't think he was doing enough to deserve her sexual favors. If sex is this man's reward for jumping through hoops and performing to meet his girlfriend's expectations, he certainly has a legitimate complaint.

Women using sex as leverage to get what they want is not a new story. Of course, there are two sides to this story. Maybe this man isn't carrying his share of responsibility around the house. Maybe he isn't communicative or affectionate and only approaches his girlfriend when he wants sex. If that's the case, he can hardly expect his partner to be anxious for intimacy.

Sex is an integral part of a relationship and will tend to head south pretty quickly when the relationship is in trouble. However, sex that is bestowed or withheld based simply on a partner's performance is a form of barter that has no place in a couple's intimate life.

Connecting

I've posted a lot about the role of touch and the role of sex in keeping a couple connected. For many people, however, touch is not comfortable until they feel connected first. If a lack of connection is blocking your physical response to your partner, it's important to be proactive in creating that connection. Waiting passively for closeness to materialize in a relationship prior to being available for sex can be a form of avoidance or an ineffective attempt to get your needs met.

Being proactive means that you let your partner know what you need in order to feel close whether that's talking, spending non-sexual time together, being noticed and appreciated, working together on projects, resolving a conflict, or just being heard. After sharing your needs, do your part to create opportunities for those needs to be met - suggesting a special night out, asking for help, or letting your partner know when you need their full attention.

If your partner comes through, you might not have a good excuse to avoid sex any longer - but chances are, you won't be loooking for an excuse.

Staying Warm

Do these cold winter nights find you going to bed in long underwear or flannel pajamas, finished off with wool socks? If so, you may find yourself missing out on your partner's body heat and foregoing your recommended daily dose of skin-to-skin contact. Even when sex isn't on the agenda, touch helps keep you connected and provides skin nourishment that helps you thrive.

You may want to invest in a fluffy down comforter or a dual-temperature electric blanket to help you survive winter's chill. Couples often have different temperaments when it comes to heat and cold, so you may need to get creative to keep you both comfortable in the bedroom.

However you solve the thermostat and blanket wars, hopefully the solution won't leave you feeling skin hungry.

Sex Resolutions

If improving your sexual relationship is on your agenda for the new year, you might want to think about what changes would increase your interest in sex. It's hard to commit to a goal of a lively sex life if you really don't care about sex at all.

Most resolutions fail because they're more 'should' than 'want' or because they're overly ambitious. Achievable goals are those in which you have a real investment. Goals also need to be concrete and realistic. If your sexual desire is limited, your investment in a sexual goal may stem from an interest in enhancing the intimacy in your relationship.

After clarifying the want behind improving your sex life, you can move on to identifying some small steps to make it happen. Maybe it's trying one new sexual activity or sexual position each month or committing to twice a month sex dates. It could be as simple as buying new lingerie or signing up for a couple's massage class. You might have individual resolutions as well as couple resolutions. Just make sure they're specific and doable. They might be the most important resolutions you make this year.