Knowing and Being Known

I posted yesterday about tuning in and paying attention to your partner. Real intimacy depends on knowing your partner and being known by them. Not knowing who they were when you met them 20 years ago, but who they are now.

It's difficult to know each other without sharing thoughts and feelings on a regular basis - the kind of sharing you probably did in the beginning of your relationship. After being together for a long time, the bulk of your conversations are more likely to be about the kids, the broken toilet, and the new carpet you're having installed.

So how do you get back to sharing on a more personal and emotional level? Try setting aside a regular time to talk. Ask open-ended, feeling oriented questions, like "what's the biggest challenge in your life these days?" or "what brings you the most joy?" Share your own struggles and successes. Discuss what you'd each like your lives to look like 5 years from now.

Knowing and being known brings increased vitality and interest to a couple's sexual relationship. It's not a quick fix for lagging libidos, but the payoff in the long run is worth the investment.