Sunday, April 12, 2009
Blog Move
With the recent publication of my book, I am consolidating blogs under the new title "Taking Sexy Back". Please click here to visit my new blog!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Women's Sex Mistakes cont.'
Sex Mistake #5: (From LifeScript)
Overreacting when he suggests something new
Most of us do the same thing day in and day out. And whether it’s in the bedroom or the boardroom, routine can get boring. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spice up your love life. Men like looking at, trying out and experimenting with new things; there’s nothing sinister about it. Suggesting something new is not an implied criticism of you. It’s just a simple craving for variety. The best part is that he wants to try it with you.
Overreacting when he suggests something new
Most of us do the same thing day in and day out. And whether it’s in the bedroom or the boardroom, routine can get boring. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spice up your love life. Men like looking at, trying out and experimenting with new things; there’s nothing sinister about it. Suggesting something new is not an implied criticism of you. It’s just a simple craving for variety. The best part is that he wants to try it with you.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Women's Sex Mistakes cont.'
Sex Mistake #4: (From LifeScript)
Not giving him any guidance
Pleasing a woman is no easy task. So help him out! Give him explicit directions – when, where, how hard, how fast, and more.If you’re too embarrassed to cue him verbally, find another way. For example, if you’re watching a sex scene in a movie, say something like, “That’s a good move” or “That doesn’t do it for me.” Or bookmark pages in a sex book and ask him to read them. Or let out a moan when he does something that pleases you. Because when it comes to sex, communication is key.
Not giving him any guidance
Pleasing a woman is no easy task. So help him out! Give him explicit directions – when, where, how hard, how fast, and more.If you’re too embarrassed to cue him verbally, find another way. For example, if you’re watching a sex scene in a movie, say something like, “That’s a good move” or “That doesn’t do it for me.” Or bookmark pages in a sex book and ask him to read them. Or let out a moan when he does something that pleases you. Because when it comes to sex, communication is key.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Women's Sex Mistakes cont.'
Sex Mistake #3: (From LifeScript)
Obsessing about your body
So the numbers on the scale aren’t what you’d like them to be. Putting on weight is no excuse for avoiding sex. Or maybe you’re fine with your weight but there’s some other figure flaw you’re fixating on. Guess what? If he wants to have sex with you, he thinks you’re sexy. If your self-image is hindering your sex life, consult a therapist, join a support group or read a self-help book.
Obsessing about your body
So the numbers on the scale aren’t what you’d like them to be. Putting on weight is no excuse for avoiding sex. Or maybe you’re fine with your weight but there’s some other figure flaw you’re fixating on. Guess what? If he wants to have sex with you, he thinks you’re sexy. If your self-image is hindering your sex life, consult a therapist, join a support group or read a self-help book.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Women's Sex Mistakes cont'.
Sex Mistake #2: (From LifeScript)
Thinking sex ends when he climaxes
Just because he’s been fulfilled doesn’t mean you’ve been. Let him know you’re not done yet; help him find other ways to finish the job using his hands or mouth. If he’s consistently too wiped out to give you the attention you deserve, plan to have your needs met before his next time.
The ideal of partners reaching orgasm simultaneously is an unrealistic goal. Sometimes it happens - and that's great - but having it as an expectation can set you up for disappointment and leave one of you unsatisfied. Incorporate strategies into your lovemaking that allow for differences in your arousal timetables.
Thinking sex ends when he climaxes
Just because he’s been fulfilled doesn’t mean you’ve been. Let him know you’re not done yet; help him find other ways to finish the job using his hands or mouth. If he’s consistently too wiped out to give you the attention you deserve, plan to have your needs met before his next time.
The ideal of partners reaching orgasm simultaneously is an unrealistic goal. Sometimes it happens - and that's great - but having it as an expectation can set you up for disappointment and leave one of you unsatisfied. Incorporate strategies into your lovemaking that allow for differences in your arousal timetables.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Women's Sex Mistakes
It's not just men who are prone to fumbles in the bedroom. This week I'll cover some common sexual blunders that women make.
Sex Mistake #1: (From LifeScript)
Assuming he’s always up for sex
This might hold true for teenage boys, but not necessarily for men. Once males hit their mid-20s, a whole lot of things are competing for their energy. Pressures of work, bills and everyday life can put a major damper on his libido. “He’s not like a vibrator,” as Cox puts it. “You can’t just plug him in and expect him to perform on cue.” That doesn’t mean he doesn’t desire you anymore. He just truly may not be in the mood.
Sex Mistake #1: (From LifeScript)
Assuming he’s always up for sex
This might hold true for teenage boys, but not necessarily for men. Once males hit their mid-20s, a whole lot of things are competing for their energy. Pressures of work, bills and everyday life can put a major damper on his libido. “He’s not like a vibrator,” as Cox puts it. “You can’t just plug him in and expect him to perform on cue.” That doesn’t mean he doesn’t desire you anymore. He just truly may not be in the mood.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Men's Sex Mistakes cont.
Sex Mistake #6 (from WebMD)
A lot of guys think they should be silent during sex - but unless you speak up, your partner has to guess what's doing it for you and what isn't. If you're respectful about it, a woman who wants to please you will probably appreciate some directions.
That doesn't mean you have to give step-by-step instructions, but making gentle suggestions and letting her know how you like it is a very useful conversation to have.
I'm headed to the beach for a much-needed vacation with my husband, so I'll be taking a break from posting for the next week. I'll be back on April 6th and will be talking about women's sex mistakes.
A lot of guys think they should be silent during sex - but unless you speak up, your partner has to guess what's doing it for you and what isn't. If you're respectful about it, a woman who wants to please you will probably appreciate some directions.
That doesn't mean you have to give step-by-step instructions, but making gentle suggestions and letting her know how you like it is a very useful conversation to have.
I'm headed to the beach for a much-needed vacation with my husband, so I'll be taking a break from posting for the next week. I'll be back on April 6th and will be talking about women's sex mistakes.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Men's Sex Mistakes cont.
Sex Mistake #5 (from WebMD)
Men often make the assumption that if a woman is turned on, she's wet. Not necessarily. Some women tend to get wetter than others, and how much natural lubrication a woman has can change from day to day. So a woman can be aroused without getting slippery enough for easy penetration. It's a mistake for guys to get hung up about it. The flip side also occurs - a woman can be wet but not feel aroused or ready for intercourse.
Bottomline, if you're relying solely on vaginal wetness to determine whether your partner is turned on and ready to get it on, you can be easily misled. It's another reason why it's important to be tuned in on multiple levels and to communicate.
Men often make the assumption that if a woman is turned on, she's wet. Not necessarily. Some women tend to get wetter than others, and how much natural lubrication a woman has can change from day to day. So a woman can be aroused without getting slippery enough for easy penetration. It's a mistake for guys to get hung up about it. The flip side also occurs - a woman can be wet but not feel aroused or ready for intercourse.
Bottomline, if you're relying solely on vaginal wetness to determine whether your partner is turned on and ready to get it on, you can be easily misled. It's another reason why it's important to be tuned in on multiple levels and to communicate.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Men's Sex Mistakes cont.
Sex Mistake #4 (from WebMD)
Lack of familiarity with the clitoris can lead to signficant sexual mistakes. Most guys know generally what a clitoris is and where to find it, but that doesn't mean they really understand it.
More than 30 years ago, at the start of the sexual revolution, the best-selling book, The Joy of Sex, stressed the orgasmic importance of the clitoris. But the belief that women should be able to orgasm from vaginal penetration alone stubbornly persists. For a great number of women, it's not going to happen that way.
Men also lack information about how to touch the clitoris and how sensitive it is. A touch that's bliss for one woman may feel like nothing special or may even be painful for someone else. Some prefer indirect stimulation. The only way to know is to explore and ask.
Lack of familiarity with the clitoris can lead to signficant sexual mistakes. Most guys know generally what a clitoris is and where to find it, but that doesn't mean they really understand it.
More than 30 years ago, at the start of the sexual revolution, the best-selling book, The Joy of Sex, stressed the orgasmic importance of the clitoris. But the belief that women should be able to orgasm from vaginal penetration alone stubbornly persists. For a great number of women, it's not going to happen that way.
Men also lack information about how to touch the clitoris and how sensitive it is. A touch that's bliss for one woman may feel like nothing special or may even be painful for someone else. Some prefer indirect stimulation. The only way to know is to explore and ask.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Men's Sex Mistakes Cont.
Mistake #3 (From WebMD)
Men and women approach sex very differently, and there's often a big disconnect between the sexes in terms of what feels good. Paget, author of The Great Lover Playbook, says "When a man has intercourse with a woman and his penis goes into her body, that sensation is so off the charts for most men, they cannot imagine that it isn't feeling the same way for her. It couldn't be further from the truth."
The inside of the vagina is often less sensitive than the outer parts for most women. Also, deep thrusting may not feel so nice on the receiving end. That's not to say that there aren't women who love intercourse. It's just important not to assume that what feels great to you also feels great to your partner.
Men and women approach sex very differently, and there's often a big disconnect between the sexes in terms of what feels good. Paget, author of The Great Lover Playbook, says "When a man has intercourse with a woman and his penis goes into her body, that sensation is so off the charts for most men, they cannot imagine that it isn't feeling the same way for her. It couldn't be further from the truth."
The inside of the vagina is often less sensitive than the outer parts for most women. Also, deep thrusting may not feel so nice on the receiving end. That's not to say that there aren't women who love intercourse. It's just important not to assume that what feels great to you also feels great to your partner.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Men's Sex Mistakes cont.
Mistake #2 (From WebMD)
Men who are insecure may take it very personally if a partner needs stimulation that they can't provide. However, some women can't have an orgasm with less than 3,000 rpm. No human tongue or fingers can generate that kind of vibration, but men typically think something is wrong if a woman needs a vibrator. Needing a vibrator to achieve orgasm doesn't mean a woman is broken.
Think of a vibrator as your asistant, not your substitute. Anything that enhances your partner's satisfaction is likely to increase her interest in sex. That's got to be a good thing.
Men who are insecure may take it very personally if a partner needs stimulation that they can't provide. However, some women can't have an orgasm with less than 3,000 rpm. No human tongue or fingers can generate that kind of vibration, but men typically think something is wrong if a woman needs a vibrator. Needing a vibrator to achieve orgasm doesn't mean a woman is broken.
Think of a vibrator as your asistant, not your substitute. Anything that enhances your partner's satisfaction is likely to increase her interest in sex. That's got to be a good thing.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Men's Sex Mistakes
A lot of men think they know everything there is to know about making love to a woman. But there's a lot of misinformation out there that can lead to major sex mistakes. As noted in a recent article on WebMD, guys often take their cues from adult movies - and that in itself is a major mistake. WebMD asked two sex educators, Tristan Taomino and Lou Paget, what they thought were the most common sex mistakes men make with women. I'll be posting on that topic over the next several days.
Mistake No. 1: You Know What She Wants
Men often make assumptions about what a woman wants based upon what they've done with other women. But women aren't all the same. "You should never assume that what worked for the last person is going to work for this person", Taomino says.
The obvious way out of this mistake is to ask your partner what she likes. She may have difficulty talking about her preferences, but that's not a reason to stop asking.
Mistake No. 1: You Know What She Wants
Men often make assumptions about what a woman wants based upon what they've done with other women. But women aren't all the same. "You should never assume that what worked for the last person is going to work for this person", Taomino says.
The obvious way out of this mistake is to ask your partner what she likes. She may have difficulty talking about her preferences, but that's not a reason to stop asking.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Safe Sex
I'm not going to talk about the importance of safe sex if you're casually hooking up with somebody you just met at a party. You already know that a condom is an absolute must in those sexual encounters. But what if you're in a committed relationship? Do you need to worry about protecting yourself?
It all depends on your comfort level with risk. Even in a committed relationship, your partner could be unfaithful or have an undiagnosed STD from years ago. Some couples with a colorful sexual history prior to meeting choose to get tested for STDs to increase their peace of mind. Then, use of a condom is dependent on how much you trust each other to be exclusive in your sexual relationship.
All life is a risk, and most people prefer sex without protection. It's up to you to assess the safety of your relationship and then do a cost/benefit analysis to determine how much risk you're willing to take.
It all depends on your comfort level with risk. Even in a committed relationship, your partner could be unfaithful or have an undiagnosed STD from years ago. Some couples with a colorful sexual history prior to meeting choose to get tested for STDs to increase their peace of mind. Then, use of a condom is dependent on how much you trust each other to be exclusive in your sexual relationship.
All life is a risk, and most people prefer sex without protection. It's up to you to assess the safety of your relationship and then do a cost/benefit analysis to determine how much risk you're willing to take.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Cybersex
It started out innocently. You were contacted by an old high school sweetheart on FaceBook, or you met in a chat room. First, you just got acquainted - or reacquainted. It didn't take long before the anonymity of cyberspace had you sharing on a more intimate level and maybe detailing the problems in your current relationship. Then the flirtation and innuendo began. It was exciting, and often became the highlight of your day.
That's how cybersex often begins. You can justify it because the person you're having an 'affair' with is 2,000 miles away, and you're not really doing anything wrong. Or are you?
Two of the most hurtful aspects of an affair are the secrecy and the deception. It's a betrayal of trust - and even when it's strictly confined to cyberspace, it violates the boundary around a couple's relationship. General rule: if you'd be uncomfortable with your partner reading your communications with an internet 'friend', you're probably on very shaky ground.
That's how cybersex often begins. You can justify it because the person you're having an 'affair' with is 2,000 miles away, and you're not really doing anything wrong. Or are you?
Two of the most hurtful aspects of an affair are the secrecy and the deception. It's a betrayal of trust - and even when it's strictly confined to cyberspace, it violates the boundary around a couple's relationship. General rule: if you'd be uncomfortable with your partner reading your communications with an internet 'friend', you're probably on very shaky ground.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Quickies
Long-term readers of this blog can skip tonight's post - it's a repeat of a post from 2007. I'm repeating it because I frequently get questions - or complaints - about the kind of sex frequently referred to as 'quickies'.
Quickies have gotten a bad rap in some circles - viewed as selfish behavior geared toward male gratification. But quickies have their place in a couple's sexual repertoire. Sometimes a quickie is satisfying to both parties - and when time is at a premium, urgency can lend some excitement to the act. (Think in the shower before work.) It can even be a kind of foreplay, whetting the appetite for more when time permits. Quickies can also be a gift given by the low desire person to their higher desire partner.Hopefully you are making time for some leisurely sexual encounters which include plenty of time for foreplay. Just remember that passion is expressed in many forms - one of which just might include a quick sexual tryst when the urge hits.
Quickies have gotten a bad rap in some circles - viewed as selfish behavior geared toward male gratification. But quickies have their place in a couple's sexual repertoire. Sometimes a quickie is satisfying to both parties - and when time is at a premium, urgency can lend some excitement to the act. (Think in the shower before work.) It can even be a kind of foreplay, whetting the appetite for more when time permits. Quickies can also be a gift given by the low desire person to their higher desire partner.Hopefully you are making time for some leisurely sexual encounters which include plenty of time for foreplay. Just remember that passion is expressed in many forms - one of which just might include a quick sexual tryst when the urge hits.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Spring Fever
Spring is a time of rebirth and renewal following a period of dormancy. Translation: sex is in the air. Our sexual senses are rejuvenated in Spring as the longer days and increased exposure to sunlight trigger hormonal changes. The sunlight can even increase endorphin levels which impact libido. You may also have more energy and just be in a better mood.
Then there's the fact that as the temperature warms up, we start shedding extra layers of clothes and show more skin. We start eating lighter, healthier foods and become more physically active. It all adds up to a greater focus on the body - and on the bodies of others.
As Spring approaches, let your senses come alive and tune into your sexuality. Making love is a great way to celebrate the Spring equinox.
Then there's the fact that as the temperature warms up, we start shedding extra layers of clothes and show more skin. We start eating lighter, healthier foods and become more physically active. It all adds up to a greater focus on the body - and on the bodies of others.
As Spring approaches, let your senses come alive and tune into your sexuality. Making love is a great way to celebrate the Spring equinox.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Too Much Masturbation?
I've written before about masturbation, but I was recently asked about the role it plays in relationships. Can masturbating have a negative effect on a couple's sexual relationship? The answer, of course, is it depends.
In an effort to manage desire differences, a higher desire person may masturbate occasionally rather than expect to have all their sexual needs met by their partner. That can be a good thing. Or if a partner is unavailable for sex due to absence, illness, or disability, masturbation is a good outlet for pent-up sexual energy.
But if someone is masturbating in place of having sex with a willing and available partner, then there's a problem. That may sound like a strange choice, but it happens. The advantage of masturbation over partner sex is that you focus solely on yourself, you stimulate yourself in exactly the way you like to be stimulated, and you're free to fantasize or view pornography in the process. Some people prefer solo sex over partner sex because there's no one else's needs to complicate things. But I probably don't have to spell out how that might negatively affect a couple's sexual relationship.
In an effort to manage desire differences, a higher desire person may masturbate occasionally rather than expect to have all their sexual needs met by their partner. That can be a good thing. Or if a partner is unavailable for sex due to absence, illness, or disability, masturbation is a good outlet for pent-up sexual energy.
But if someone is masturbating in place of having sex with a willing and available partner, then there's a problem. That may sound like a strange choice, but it happens. The advantage of masturbation over partner sex is that you focus solely on yourself, you stimulate yourself in exactly the way you like to be stimulated, and you're free to fantasize or view pornography in the process. Some people prefer solo sex over partner sex because there's no one else's needs to complicate things. But I probably don't have to spell out how that might negatively affect a couple's sexual relationship.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Sexless
There's a book, The Sex-Starved Marriage, that I frequently recommend to couples who are struggling with their sexual relationship. But what exactly constitutes a 'sex-starved' or 'sexless' marriage? Both terms are most likely ones used by the higher desire partner to describe a relationship in which they feel like they have to beg, plead, and pressure to get any sex. But does it mean that there's no sex at all going on?
Not usually. It's not unusual, however, for me to see couples whose last sexual encounter took place months ago. If one of the partners is feeling 'starved' for sex, there's a problem even if the couple is having sex once a week. Sexual needs and desires have to be negotiated. There's no magic number that describes the frequency of sex for happily married couples. If you're with a partner who wants sex every day, and you're content with sex once a month, both of you have some work to do to make sure you're reaching out and attempting to honor the difference in your levels of desire. Just ignoring the difference is a setup for resentment and conflict.
Not usually. It's not unusual, however, for me to see couples whose last sexual encounter took place months ago. If one of the partners is feeling 'starved' for sex, there's a problem even if the couple is having sex once a week. Sexual needs and desires have to be negotiated. There's no magic number that describes the frequency of sex for happily married couples. If you're with a partner who wants sex every day, and you're content with sex once a month, both of you have some work to do to make sure you're reaching out and attempting to honor the difference in your levels of desire. Just ignoring the difference is a setup for resentment and conflict.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
More on Kisses
Here's 10 favorite types of kisses from loveletterbox.com:
French kiss - This is the most popular type of kiss that involves kissing with an open mouth while your tongues touch each other's tongues.
Cheek kiss - A friendly, "I really like you" kiss. A kiss preferred on the first date. With your hands on your partner's shoulders, gently brush your lips across her cheek.
Tongue sucking kiss - A variation of the French kiss. During an open-mouth kiss gently suck on your partner's tongue (not too hard because it may hurt). Very sexy.
All over kiss - It begins with kissing your partner's forehead, moving down slowly to the nose. Tenderly, with an aggressive feeling, give your partner your best kiss right on the lips. Next, move your way down and continue with your own imagination.
Angel kiss - A sweet, comforting kiss. Kiss your partner very gently, delicately on their lips or eyelids.
Wake up kiss - Before your partner awakes lean over and kiss their cheek and move over giving soft kisses until you reach their lips. Definitely a more than pleasant way to wake up!
Tongue kiss - While French kissing your partner, gently suck their tongue while it's in your mouth. This produces a wonderful, erotic feeling for both!
Back kisses - Remove your partners shirt and have them lie down on their stomach. Sit comfortably over your partner's lower back and start kissing from the neck all the way down their back, while softly licking & breathing where you have kissed. This will give your partner cold shivers and it is very exciting.
Wet kiss - Once you have been kissing enough that both of your lips are wet, with your mouth barely open, gently rub back and forth, up and down, around and around.
Surprise kissing - This type of kiss is done when your partner is lying down on a sofa or the ground, either asleep or just lying with their eyes closed. Quietly approach your partner and place a small, very gentle kiss on their lips. Intensify the kiss until your partner opens their eyes or awakens.
For an even greater variety of kisses, visit www.loveletterbox.com/types_of_kisses.htm
French kiss - This is the most popular type of kiss that involves kissing with an open mouth while your tongues touch each other's tongues.
Cheek kiss - A friendly, "I really like you" kiss. A kiss preferred on the first date. With your hands on your partner's shoulders, gently brush your lips across her cheek.
Tongue sucking kiss - A variation of the French kiss. During an open-mouth kiss gently suck on your partner's tongue (not too hard because it may hurt). Very sexy.
All over kiss - It begins with kissing your partner's forehead, moving down slowly to the nose. Tenderly, with an aggressive feeling, give your partner your best kiss right on the lips. Next, move your way down and continue with your own imagination.
Angel kiss - A sweet, comforting kiss. Kiss your partner very gently, delicately on their lips or eyelids.
Wake up kiss - Before your partner awakes lean over and kiss their cheek and move over giving soft kisses until you reach their lips. Definitely a more than pleasant way to wake up!
Tongue kiss - While French kissing your partner, gently suck their tongue while it's in your mouth. This produces a wonderful, erotic feeling for both!
Back kisses - Remove your partners shirt and have them lie down on their stomach. Sit comfortably over your partner's lower back and start kissing from the neck all the way down their back, while softly licking & breathing where you have kissed. This will give your partner cold shivers and it is very exciting.
Wet kiss - Once you have been kissing enough that both of your lips are wet, with your mouth barely open, gently rub back and forth, up and down, around and around.
Surprise kissing - This type of kiss is done when your partner is lying down on a sofa or the ground, either asleep or just lying with their eyes closed. Quietly approach your partner and place a small, very gentle kiss on their lips. Intensify the kiss until your partner opens their eyes or awakens.
For an even greater variety of kisses, visit www.loveletterbox.com/types_of_kisses.htm
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Kisses
Here's two top ten lists from loveletterbox.com:
Top Ten Places to Kiss Your Lover Top Ten Places for Kissing Your Lover
Behind their ear In your bedroom
Tip of their nose At the movies
Back of their neck At the beach
Under their chin In the carpark (?)
Curve of their waist In the car
Palm of their hand Anywhere when no one is around
Sensitive Spot At the park
Their eyelids In your house
Tips of their fingers At the airport
Small of their back In an elevator
If you've been slacking off on your kissing lately, you might want to refer to these lists for reviving your romantic efforts. Tomorrow I'll post on different types of kisses you might want to incorporate into your repertoire.
Top Ten Places to Kiss Your Lover Top Ten Places for Kissing Your Lover
Behind their ear In your bedroom
Tip of their nose At the movies
Back of their neck At the beach
Under their chin In the carpark (?)
Curve of their waist In the car
Palm of their hand Anywhere when no one is around
Sensitive Spot At the park
Their eyelids In your house
Tips of their fingers At the airport
Small of their back In an elevator
If you've been slacking off on your kissing lately, you might want to refer to these lists for reviving your romantic efforts. Tomorrow I'll post on different types of kisses you might want to incorporate into your repertoire.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Breast Facts
Because breasts are such a focal point of female sexuality, I thought you might find some of the following information of interest:
- It's very common for a woman to have breasts that differ in size, just as she may have one foot that is bigger than the other. The body is not perfectly symmetrical.
- During arousal, a woman's breasts swell by up to 25%, and her nipples may become very hard.
- Many women have hair around their nipples.
- About 10 percent of women have inverted nipples.
- Breasts are mostly fatty tissue which isn’t terribly sensitive to caresses and kisses. However, because the nipple itself and the area surrounding it (the areola) are full of nerve endings, they’re very sensitive to touch.
- Men also have many sensitive nerve endings in their nipples and can become very excited by nipple kisses and manual stimulation.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Shut-down Partner
What if you have a partner who's made it perfectly clear that they have no interest in sex and have no intention of continuing to accomodate your sexual desire? Sound harsh? Believe me, it happens.
Obviously, you can decide that you're committed to the relationship, sex or no sex, and just take care of your own sexual needs. No one should be forced into having sex that they don't want. The problem I have with someone who simply shuts down and refuses to make any effort in the sexual arena is that they're completely dismissing an important need of their partner. It's hard to feel loved when your needs aren't taken seriously, and taking out the sexual component of a couple relationship has the potential to do serious damage to the couple bond.
There are no easy answers when you want a sex life with your partner, and they want no part of it. Couple therapy is certainly recommended if you can get that level of cooperation. Ask your partner if there's anything you could do that might make a difference in their willingness to work on your sexual relationship. If they identify something, do it, but stop any pushing or pressuring. You've got to do your part in eliminating negativity from the sexual dynamic.
Obviously, you can decide that you're committed to the relationship, sex or no sex, and just take care of your own sexual needs. No one should be forced into having sex that they don't want. The problem I have with someone who simply shuts down and refuses to make any effort in the sexual arena is that they're completely dismissing an important need of their partner. It's hard to feel loved when your needs aren't taken seriously, and taking out the sexual component of a couple relationship has the potential to do serious damage to the couple bond.
There are no easy answers when you want a sex life with your partner, and they want no part of it. Couple therapy is certainly recommended if you can get that level of cooperation. Ask your partner if there's anything you could do that might make a difference in their willingness to work on your sexual relationship. If they identify something, do it, but stop any pushing or pressuring. You've got to do your part in eliminating negativity from the sexual dynamic.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Writing Your Own Erotica
It's too late for Valentine's Day, but Dear Sugar.com shared a great gift idea that could end up giving a boost to your sex life. I'm going to quote from the website:
"Think of it as the literary equivalent of making a sex tape: A company called UStarNovels lets you customize your own erotic stories with the names of you and your partner, the setting, and details of your choice. The way it works is, you choose the character names (it could even be a celebrity crush) and offer details like favorite food and music. You can even say how racy you want the love scenes to be. The result is a 160-page-plus novel written to your specs; it costs about $38 and arrives within a week, depending on shipping."
I was going to take a break from book-writing for awhile, but I may have to give this one a try. Since someone else is doing the actual writing, I think I could handle it. How about you?
"Think of it as the literary equivalent of making a sex tape: A company called UStarNovels lets you customize your own erotic stories with the names of you and your partner, the setting, and details of your choice. The way it works is, you choose the character names (it could even be a celebrity crush) and offer details like favorite food and music. You can even say how racy you want the love scenes to be. The result is a 160-page-plus novel written to your specs; it costs about $38 and arrives within a week, depending on shipping."
I was going to take a break from book-writing for awhile, but I may have to give this one a try. Since someone else is doing the actual writing, I think I could handle it. How about you?
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Sex Noises
How loud you are when you make love sometimes has to do with where you are and who might overhear, but there's also a great deal of variation in how vocal people are during sex. There are the really silent types who not only don't utter a word during foreplay but don't even allow a moan to escape their lips when they're coming. Then there's the lover who talks all the way through it and then wakes up the neighbors when reaching the big "O". Most people fall somewhere in between.
Do you like your partner to talk to you during sex? Does it turn you on when they announce they're about to come? Do you like to make a lot of noise? If you and your partner are compatible in your vocalizations, that's great - if not, you need to have a conversation in which you each share what you like and what you don't like about the soundtrack accompanying your lovemaking. It's an important piece of sexual satisfaction.
Do you like your partner to talk to you during sex? Does it turn you on when they announce they're about to come? Do you like to make a lot of noise? If you and your partner are compatible in your vocalizations, that's great - if not, you need to have a conversation in which you each share what you like and what you don't like about the soundtrack accompanying your lovemaking. It's an important piece of sexual satisfaction.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Sex and Birth Control
I recently posted about the sexual side effects experienced by 25% of women taking the birth control pill. But if you can't or don't want to use the Pill, the alternatives - other than sterilization - are certainly less than ideal and can have their own sexual side effects. Because the other methods have lower effectiveness rates, the fear of pregnancy can shut down even a healthy libido.
When couples want to maintain an active sex life but are concerned about the possibility of an unintended pregnancy, good communication is critical. Many couples combine more than one method of birth control to increase safety. Using a condom along with a vaginal spermicide or using an IUD but also avoiding sex altogether during the fertile part of a woman's cycle are just two examples. Granted, it's a hassle, but less of a hassle than an accidental pregnancy and better than just avoiding sex completely.
If you're fearful about an unwanted pregnancy, talk to your partner. Decide together how you want to maintain the physical side of your relationship while minimizing your risk.
When couples want to maintain an active sex life but are concerned about the possibility of an unintended pregnancy, good communication is critical. Many couples combine more than one method of birth control to increase safety. Using a condom along with a vaginal spermicide or using an IUD but also avoiding sex altogether during the fertile part of a woman's cycle are just two examples. Granted, it's a hassle, but less of a hassle than an accidental pregnancy and better than just avoiding sex completely.
If you're fearful about an unwanted pregnancy, talk to your partner. Decide together how you want to maintain the physical side of your relationship while minimizing your risk.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Sex in the Light
Recently I've been reminded that some people still find that the only way they're comfortable having sex is in the dark and under the covers. The idea of exposing their own body and viewing the body of their lover, especially in the light of day, is a turn-off rather than a turn-on. Sound like a throw-back to the 50's? Well, a lot of folks still carry around the baggage of the days when sex was considered the 'dirty deed'.
Sometimes the difficulty with exposure has less to do with the sex act and more to do with body discomfort. Women are especially prone to shame and embarrassment about their bodies and just aren't comfortable enough inside their skin to want to be on display. Unfortunately, body inhibition leads to a pretty restrictive sex life and leaves out one of our important senses.
If you're squeamish about out-in-the-open sex, you might want to try some baby steps to increase your comfort level. Start by throwing off the covers - in the dark. Then try it by candlelight - which tends to be flattering. The next step might be doing it under the covers in the afternoon. You get the idea. It's time to get en-lightened...
Sometimes the difficulty with exposure has less to do with the sex act and more to do with body discomfort. Women are especially prone to shame and embarrassment about their bodies and just aren't comfortable enough inside their skin to want to be on display. Unfortunately, body inhibition leads to a pretty restrictive sex life and leaves out one of our important senses.
If you're squeamish about out-in-the-open sex, you might want to try some baby steps to increase your comfort level. Start by throwing off the covers - in the dark. Then try it by candlelight - which tends to be flattering. The next step might be doing it under the covers in the afternoon. You get the idea. It's time to get en-lightened...
Friday, February 27, 2009
Sleeping After Sex
Women often complain about a partner who rolls over and falls asleep immediately after sex when what the woman is looking for is a little post-sex cuddling and sweet talk. What's that all about?
Both men and women release oxytocin and vasopressin during sex which induce drowsiness, but men's sexual response cycle differs signficantly from women. Men drop very quickly from a state of maximum arousal and orgasm back to the pre-arousal state, whereas women experience a much more gradual decline. Typically, men are also exerting more physical energy during sex that contributes to their post-sex collapse.
If you're a woman who needs more after sex than the comforting sound of your partner's snoring, it's important to voice your need. Be reasonable in your request- ask for 10 minutes of your lover's time before you both drift off into a deep and restful sleep.
Both men and women release oxytocin and vasopressin during sex which induce drowsiness, but men's sexual response cycle differs signficantly from women. Men drop very quickly from a state of maximum arousal and orgasm back to the pre-arousal state, whereas women experience a much more gradual decline. Typically, men are also exerting more physical energy during sex that contributes to their post-sex collapse.
If you're a woman who needs more after sex than the comforting sound of your partner's snoring, it's important to voice your need. Be reasonable in your request- ask for 10 minutes of your lover's time before you both drift off into a deep and restful sleep.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Sex and the Pill
I've heard recently from several women who belong to the 25% of birth control pill users who suffer sexual side effects from the Pill. The effects include decreased desire, difficulty with lubrication, and trouble reaching orgasm. This is a real problem for those affected because hormonal methods of birth control are the most effective means of pregnancy prevention (short of sterilization) and are the easiest to use.
The Pill affects a woman's testosterone levels which are significant in driving desire. The hormones block testosterone production in the ovaries and increase the production of the protein that attaches to testosterone to make it inactive.
If the Pill is killing any interest you ever had in sex, it's important to talk to your doctor about alternative forms of hormonal birth control. Your body may respond better to one pill than another. If you've tried a variety of different pills and are still suffering from sexual side effects, you may want to consider another kind of birth control altogether. Maybe not ideal, but better than a sex life that's dead in the water.
The Pill affects a woman's testosterone levels which are significant in driving desire. The hormones block testosterone production in the ovaries and increase the production of the protein that attaches to testosterone to make it inactive.
If the Pill is killing any interest you ever had in sex, it's important to talk to your doctor about alternative forms of hormonal birth control. Your body may respond better to one pill than another. If you've tried a variety of different pills and are still suffering from sexual side effects, you may want to consider another kind of birth control altogether. Maybe not ideal, but better than a sex life that's dead in the water.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Decreasing the 'Work'
For those people who sometimes feel like sex is just too much work, I'd like to suggest some ways to reduce the workload. The following suggestions are not meant to apply to every sexual encounter but are for those times when you or your partner want to have sex but don't want to work too hard at it.
- Since each of you knows best how to get yourself to orgasm, you could simply engage in simultaneous masturbation. It can actually be a real turn-on and may lead to a more mutual lovemaking session at a later date when you have more energy.
- Use a vibrator as part of your lovemaking. For women, this can speed up arousal and shorten the time needed to reach orgasm.
- Let your partner know if you're receptive to sex but don't want to put the energy into getting to orgasm. It really is ok to have sex without getting to the big "O".
Hopefully, you're not always going to be a lazy lover, but having some shortcuts as part of your repertoire can keep your sex life charged even when you're not.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Beating Fatigue
Fatigue is one of the biggest deterrents to an active sex life. Of course, getting more sleep and simplifying your life would create more energy for sex, but since that probably isn't going to happen any time soon for a lot of you, I wanted to suggest some other methods for standing up to fatigue.
- Be open to making out without the expectation of it leading to intercourse. Preconceived notions of what sex has to be can make it feel like too much effort.
- During the week when you're both tired, try alternating who gets to climax. One night it's your partner's turn, and the next time, it's all about you. When it's your turn, you'll get to relax and just enjoy the sensations without having to do a thing.
- Shower before you go to bed. It will help wake you up and make you feel more like getting up close and personal.
- Turn off the late show and get to bed an hour earlier than usual.
- If you have the flexibility, meet your partner at home on a lunch break. A nooner can leave you refreshed and energized for the rest of your work day.
The important thing is not to cave in to fatigue on a regular basis. If you get creative, your sex life can thrive regardless of your busy schedule and short nights.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Guys Faking Orgasm
When it comes to faking orgasm, women seem to have cornered the market. But findings from The Orgasm Survey indicate that women aren't the only ones engaging in this little deceit. Supposedly, almost one-fourth of the men surveyed have faked it at one time or another.
According to the results summarized on the web site, dearsugar.com, men fake orgasm for many of the same reasons as women:
He feels pressured to perform.
She's trying hard to please him, but his body's not cooperating.
He's exhausted and just wants to hit the hay.
He's not into the sex, and faking it is a way to get it over with.
He's not physically or emotionally attracted to his partner.
He's hiding his sexual identity.
He's with a new partner and can't relax enough to let go.
He doesn't want his partner to know he's having sexual issues.
He feels that having an orgasm is a way to prove he's manly.
For obvious reasons, it's got to be a little more difficult for men to fake it than women. But it is possible for a man to have an orgasm without ejaculation - and if he's using a condom, his partner may be none the wiser as long as he has good acting skills.
I'll go on record again as an opponent of the whole faking phenomenon. Honest communication and a de-emphasis on orgasm as a mandatory finish to every sexual encounter are definitely preferable.
According to the results summarized on the web site, dearsugar.com, men fake orgasm for many of the same reasons as women:
He feels pressured to perform.
She's trying hard to please him, but his body's not cooperating.
He's exhausted and just wants to hit the hay.
He's not into the sex, and faking it is a way to get it over with.
He's not physically or emotionally attracted to his partner.
He's hiding his sexual identity.
He's with a new partner and can't relax enough to let go.
He doesn't want his partner to know he's having sexual issues.
He feels that having an orgasm is a way to prove he's manly.
For obvious reasons, it's got to be a little more difficult for men to fake it than women. But it is possible for a man to have an orgasm without ejaculation - and if he's using a condom, his partner may be none the wiser as long as he has good acting skills.
I'll go on record again as an opponent of the whole faking phenomenon. Honest communication and a de-emphasis on orgasm as a mandatory finish to every sexual encounter are definitely preferable.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Laughter in the Bedroom
When was the last time you laughed during sex? Hopefully it wasn't too long ago - and it was with your partner rather than at your partner. I've talked to couples who've never laughed during a sexual encounter and seem almost horrified at the prospect. For these men and women, sex is serious business. But sex can involve many different feelings and mind states, and playfulness is one of them.
Without the ability to play in the bedroom, it often feels unsafe to take risks. Sex is more likely to become routine and even boring without a spirit of adventure and the freedom to fail miserably at a new position or a daring technique. Laughter is not only freeing but also bonds you to your partner. Try introducing some silliness during your next roll in the hay - you could be in for some serious fun.
Without the ability to play in the bedroom, it often feels unsafe to take risks. Sex is more likely to become routine and even boring without a spirit of adventure and the freedom to fail miserably at a new position or a daring technique. Laughter is not only freeing but also bonds you to your partner. Try introducing some silliness during your next roll in the hay - you could be in for some serious fun.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Foreplay before the Foreplay
It's frequently assumed that foreplay is part of the formula for getting a woman warmed up enough for intercourse. But interestingly enough, women who masturbate can usually reach orgasm in just a few minutes. So why does it take so much foreplay to get a woman primed for intercourse and orgasm?
The answer is that men often haven't taken the time to find out exactly how their partners like to be stimulated and how they can most easily reach orgasm. But more importantly, men may not realize that the most valuable kind of foreplay begins long before bodies start pressing against one another. When a woman feels validated, nurtured, and cared for throughout the day by her partner, it's a lot less of a stretch for her to respond to sexual overtures. Kissing, touching, and carressing aren't just about warming up the body - they're just as much about building a sense of connection. The more you stay connected during the day, the less foreplay may be needed at night.
The answer is that men often haven't taken the time to find out exactly how their partners like to be stimulated and how they can most easily reach orgasm. But more importantly, men may not realize that the most valuable kind of foreplay begins long before bodies start pressing against one another. When a woman feels validated, nurtured, and cared for throughout the day by her partner, it's a lot less of a stretch for her to respond to sexual overtures. Kissing, touching, and carressing aren't just about warming up the body - they're just as much about building a sense of connection. The more you stay connected during the day, the less foreplay may be needed at night.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Morning Erections
What does it mean when a man wakes up with an erection? It's certainly a common occurrence, but does it always signal an interest in morning sex? Not necessarily. Though some men love the idea of sex first thing in the morning, an early erection is sometimes more of a nuisance than a signal of desire. It may wake him up earlier than he wanted, and it usually makes it more difficult for him to urinate. If he's still half asleep, he may also feel irritated if his partner assumes that his erection is an invitation to play.
Erections during sleep occur due to dreams - but it doesn't mean he's dreaming about sex. Any kind of adventure or activity during a dream may cause an erection - which is why a morning erection may have nothing at all to do with sexual desire. Men already know this. If you're a woman, you may just need to ask.
Erections during sleep occur due to dreams - but it doesn't mean he's dreaming about sex. Any kind of adventure or activity during a dream may cause an erection - which is why a morning erection may have nothing at all to do with sexual desire. Men already know this. If you're a woman, you may just need to ask.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Can A Penis Really Break?
For you Grey's Anatomy fans, you may be wondering about the recent episode in which Mark Sloan's penis supposedly 'broke' during a sexual romp in a break room of the hospital. They never explained exactly how it happened, but it was certainly grist for the hospital rumor mill.
Actually, when the penis is in an erect state and is bent in an unnatural direction, it can cause one of the ligaments in the penis to break. When a ligament breaks, it can result in internal bleeding which could permanently damage the penis. That's why it's important to get immediate medical attention from a urologist who can usually avert long-term damage.
The greatest potential for penis 'breakage' is when the woman is on top during intercourse. She needs to make sure not to pull out too far and then sit back down on it. The penis is a pretty tough appendage, but care should still be exercised when you're getting adventurous in the sack.
Actually, when the penis is in an erect state and is bent in an unnatural direction, it can cause one of the ligaments in the penis to break. When a ligament breaks, it can result in internal bleeding which could permanently damage the penis. That's why it's important to get immediate medical attention from a urologist who can usually avert long-term damage.
The greatest potential for penis 'breakage' is when the woman is on top during intercourse. She needs to make sure not to pull out too far and then sit back down on it. The penis is a pretty tough appendage, but care should still be exercised when you're getting adventurous in the sack.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Genital Grooming
There was a time when grooming of the genital area was done primarily by actors in porn films. In recent years, however, men as well as women are taking more interest in spiffing up the genital region with trimming, waxing, shaving, and coloring. Not that there's anything wrong with the natural look. Going au natural saves a lot of time and energy that could be used to ramp up your sex life without all the on-going maintenance. But if you're interested in a tidier look, there's a number of ways to get it.
Many women leave their genital grooming to the professionals who typically use hot wax to remove hair. Shaving can be problematic due to the irritation it can cause and the itching that accompanies regrowth. Some women swear by beard trimmers though there are also bikini shavers on the market. Depilatory creams can be used for the bikini lines, but caution needs to be exercised when using harsh chemicals in the genital region. Same goes for those who want to color their pubic hair rather than get rid of it. There are nontoxic hair dyes available that won't be as likely to irritate.
And yes, there are men who shave and trim the pubic area also. I'm not sure if that's for themselves or for their partners, but some men report feeling cleaner without the hair between their legs and feel like they're less likely to develop an odor.
To each, his or her own!
Many women leave their genital grooming to the professionals who typically use hot wax to remove hair. Shaving can be problematic due to the irritation it can cause and the itching that accompanies regrowth. Some women swear by beard trimmers though there are also bikini shavers on the market. Depilatory creams can be used for the bikini lines, but caution needs to be exercised when using harsh chemicals in the genital region. Same goes for those who want to color their pubic hair rather than get rid of it. There are nontoxic hair dyes available that won't be as likely to irritate.
And yes, there are men who shave and trim the pubic area also. I'm not sure if that's for themselves or for their partners, but some men report feeling cleaner without the hair between their legs and feel like they're less likely to develop an odor.
To each, his or her own!
Friday, February 13, 2009
HRT
Testosterone directly affects the brain and increases libido. Testosterone also affects mood. Women whose hormones are being produced by their own ovaries have a lower rate of depression than women who have had their ovaries removed, even if hormone replacement therapy (HRT) is taken.
Hormone production is a complex process, and it’s not surprising that HRT often falls short in replicating and maintaining normal hormone levels. Many women whose ovaries have been removed aren’t even taking hormones because of the controversy over HRT and the possible link to breast and ovarian cancer. Those who are will still experience a decline in circulating testosterone. Hormone balance is fragile and complex, and hormonal changes can have a significant impact on sexuality.
If you're considering a hysterectomy, especially one that includes the removal of the ovaries, it's important to get a second opinion. Explore all your options and know the risks and benefits of each. If you've already had a total hysterectomy and experienced a significant decline in sexual interest, you might want to talk to your doctor about the possibility of a testosterone gel to help boost your desire.
Hormone production is a complex process, and it’s not surprising that HRT often falls short in replicating and maintaining normal hormone levels. Many women whose ovaries have been removed aren’t even taking hormones because of the controversy over HRT and the possible link to breast and ovarian cancer. Those who are will still experience a decline in circulating testosterone. Hormone balance is fragile and complex, and hormonal changes can have a significant impact on sexuality.
If you're considering a hysterectomy, especially one that includes the removal of the ovaries, it's important to get a second opinion. Explore all your options and know the risks and benefits of each. If you've already had a total hysterectomy and experienced a significant decline in sexual interest, you might want to talk to your doctor about the possibility of a testosterone gel to help boost your desire.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Hysterectomy
Hysterectomy is the second most frequently performed major surgical procedure for women of reproductive age in the United States, second only to cesarean section. By the age of 60, one out of every three women in the U.S. has had a hysterectomy. It seems that American doctors have utilized hysterectomies as a quick and easy fix for ‘female problems’.
Among women who had a hysterectomy between the years of 1994 and 1999, 55% also had their ovaries removed. In 40% of the cases, the women were less than 45 years old at the time of the procedure. Since 1965, the percentage of women whose hysterectomies also included the removal of the ovaries has doubled. This is a problem because the removal of the ovaries is the equivalent of male castration! Removal of both ovaries causes an immediate 50% reduction in circulating testosterone, and a more than 80% drop in circulating estrogen. Testosterone and estrogen play a vital role in both sexual desire and sexual functioning. When left in place, the ovaries produce hormones long after menopause and support healthy sexual response and performance.
What about hormone replacement therapy? Is that the answer to restoring sexual desire? I'll address that tomorrow.
Among women who had a hysterectomy between the years of 1994 and 1999, 55% also had their ovaries removed. In 40% of the cases, the women were less than 45 years old at the time of the procedure. Since 1965, the percentage of women whose hysterectomies also included the removal of the ovaries has doubled. This is a problem because the removal of the ovaries is the equivalent of male castration! Removal of both ovaries causes an immediate 50% reduction in circulating testosterone, and a more than 80% drop in circulating estrogen. Testosterone and estrogen play a vital role in both sexual desire and sexual functioning. When left in place, the ovaries produce hormones long after menopause and support healthy sexual response and performance.
What about hormone replacement therapy? Is that the answer to restoring sexual desire? I'll address that tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
The Hymen
There's a lot of misinformation about the hymen - the thin membrane that's located at the front of the vagina. The membrane can be solid (pretty unusual), perforated, or almost non-existent. It's often thought that the hymen stays intact until the time of first intercourse, which then results in bleeding. But some women may not bleed at all when they lose their virginity because they may have been born without a hymen or it may have been torn or stretched long before they became sexually active.
The pain that a woman may experience during her first intercourse is usually less related to the tearing of the hymen and more related to lack of sexual arousal. If she's scared about what is about to happen, her vagina may constrict, and she may lack sufficient lubrication for things to proceed smoothly. It usually goes a lot better the second time - and the third, and the fourth...
The pain that a woman may experience during her first intercourse is usually less related to the tearing of the hymen and more related to lack of sexual arousal. If she's scared about what is about to happen, her vagina may constrict, and she may lack sufficient lubrication for things to proceed smoothly. It usually goes a lot better the second time - and the third, and the fourth...
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Female Ejaculation - Truth or Myth?
Here's the truth - some women do ejaculate following orgasm. Women who have experienced this phenomenon may have assumed that the expelled fluid was just urine from a leaky bladder and been embarrassed about it. But there is plenty of evidence now that the fluid is actually similar to male prostate fluid and is nothing to be ashamed of. It may simply be the result of a really powerful orgasm. It is not, however, going to resemble the women ejaculating in some porno films where the fluid shoots across the room!
If you're a woman who ejaculates, it's important to know that you fall well into the range of 'normal'. Relax and enjoy it - and put a towel down if you're worried about drenching the sheets. If you're a woman who has never experienced an ejaculation following orgasm, you're also 'normal'. Don't let anyone try to convince you that you're somehow lacking or defective.
Once again, variation is the norm. That's why it's important to know your body - and that of your partner.
If you're a woman who ejaculates, it's important to know that you fall well into the range of 'normal'. Relax and enjoy it - and put a towel down if you're worried about drenching the sheets. If you're a woman who has never experienced an ejaculation following orgasm, you're also 'normal'. Don't let anyone try to convince you that you're somehow lacking or defective.
Once again, variation is the norm. That's why it's important to know your body - and that of your partner.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Vagina Travelogue
On Jan. 30th, I wrote a post on the vulva and promised to write my next post on the vagina. Then I forgot. So this week I'm returning to the mysteries of female sexual anatomy.
The vagina is often considered an inert tube that, sexually speaking, just serves as a receptacle for the penis during intercourse. But it's far more active than you might imagine. Normally, the walls of the vagina lie flat against each other, but when aroused the vagina straightens out and expands in length. In an aroused state, the outer third of the vagina becomes narrower and the back part opens up. It's the outer third that is also more sensitive to touch, while the back two-thirds are more sensitive to pressure. The back part may expand prior to orgasm and then contract. That's a lot of activity.
Then there's the lubrication that's also going on. There's a great deal of variation in how much lubrication is produced during arousal, and the degree of wetness is an unreliable indicator of how aroused a woman is. There can also be differences in lubrication depending on the phases of the menstrual cycle.
The sensitivity of the vagina differs from one woman to another, as does the satisfaction experienced by having a penis inside the vagina. Some women love it - others could be just as happy skipping intercourse altogether. It's up to you to explore, experiment, and discover the secrets of this hidden cavern.
The vagina is often considered an inert tube that, sexually speaking, just serves as a receptacle for the penis during intercourse. But it's far more active than you might imagine. Normally, the walls of the vagina lie flat against each other, but when aroused the vagina straightens out and expands in length. In an aroused state, the outer third of the vagina becomes narrower and the back part opens up. It's the outer third that is also more sensitive to touch, while the back two-thirds are more sensitive to pressure. The back part may expand prior to orgasm and then contract. That's a lot of activity.
Then there's the lubrication that's also going on. There's a great deal of variation in how much lubrication is produced during arousal, and the degree of wetness is an unreliable indicator of how aroused a woman is. There can also be differences in lubrication depending on the phases of the menstrual cycle.
The sensitivity of the vagina differs from one woman to another, as does the satisfaction experienced by having a penis inside the vagina. Some women love it - others could be just as happy skipping intercourse altogether. It's up to you to explore, experiment, and discover the secrets of this hidden cavern.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Sex Alternatives
OK - if you're one of those women who feels decidedly unsexy when you're on your period, and anything having to do with sex is about as appealing as a colonoscopy, you're probably not going to take kindly to any suggestions I might make about giving your partner a hand-job or a blow-job. So I'll skip the obvious alternatives to intercourse and move on to other ideas.
First, just as a thought, I'd like you to consider the connection between your period and your femininity. Menstruation, far from being a 'curse', is part of the reproductive cycle that is a fundamental aspect of being female. Rather than shutting down your sexual responsiveness, your period can help you stay connected to your sexuality.
But if you feel bloated, crampy, and fat during your period and sex just isn't on the agenda, you can still foster closeness with your partner. Bake a batch of his favorite cookies, give him a foot rub or a scalp massage, or ask him to give you some special nurturing - like preparing a bath for you or bringing home some flowers. The idea is to use your period as a time to nourish closeness rather than to increase distance. The last thing you need during that week is a partner who's irritable and grumpy about being shutout and shut down.
First, just as a thought, I'd like you to consider the connection between your period and your femininity. Menstruation, far from being a 'curse', is part of the reproductive cycle that is a fundamental aspect of being female. Rather than shutting down your sexual responsiveness, your period can help you stay connected to your sexuality.
But if you feel bloated, crampy, and fat during your period and sex just isn't on the agenda, you can still foster closeness with your partner. Bake a batch of his favorite cookies, give him a foot rub or a scalp massage, or ask him to give you some special nurturing - like preparing a bath for you or bringing home some flowers. The idea is to use your period as a time to nourish closeness rather than to increase distance. The last thing you need during that week is a partner who's irritable and grumpy about being shutout and shut down.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Period Sex - A Survey
After extolling the benefits of sex during menstruation, I thought you might be interested in the results of a poll given to 1,290 women to assess their feelings on the subject. Here's how it broke down:
Sure, why not? If he doesn't care, I'm all for it! I actually have great sex while I have my period.
26% (341)
It depends if I'm in the mood or not. Typically, not the first day, but I'm open to it!
30% (389)
No way! It's gross and I feel way too fat to be in the mood.
43% (560)
Tomorrow I'll talk about alternatives to intercourse in case you happen to fall in the last category.
Sure, why not? If he doesn't care, I'm all for it! I actually have great sex while I have my period.
26% (341)
It depends if I'm in the mood or not. Typically, not the first day, but I'm open to it!
30% (389)
No way! It's gross and I feel way too fat to be in the mood.
43% (560)
Tomorrow I'll talk about alternatives to intercourse in case you happen to fall in the last category.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Periods
There seem to be strong feelings among a lot of people regarding sex during menstruation. Although some don't give it a second thought, there are many who still find it strictly taboo. Now maybe it's just a convenient excuse to avoid sex for those who aren't very interested in the first place, or maybe the idea of dealing with a little extra mess is a disincentive - but having sex during a woman's period not only isn't harmful to either partner, there are actually benefits to it.
The contractions of orgasm can help decrease menstrual cramping, there's a reduced risk of pregnancy, and menstrual swelling can sometimes lead to stronger orgasms for women. There's also more lubrication to facilitate intercourse. Plus, it's a chance to be close and reconnect for those who suffer from some rough interpersonal days prior to their period due to PMS.
As for the mess - simply putting a nice thick towel down between you and the sheets keeps you from doing a lot of extra laundry. The towels seem to wash just fine, but if you don't trust it, you can keep a supply of towels around just for that purpose.
Eliminating one week a month from your sex life isn't smart if you're wanting to revive your sex life. Besides - life is short. It would be a shame to miss out on an opportunity for physical closeness with your partner just because of a little period.
The contractions of orgasm can help decrease menstrual cramping, there's a reduced risk of pregnancy, and menstrual swelling can sometimes lead to stronger orgasms for women. There's also more lubrication to facilitate intercourse. Plus, it's a chance to be close and reconnect for those who suffer from some rough interpersonal days prior to their period due to PMS.
As for the mess - simply putting a nice thick towel down between you and the sheets keeps you from doing a lot of extra laundry. The towels seem to wash just fine, but if you don't trust it, you can keep a supply of towels around just for that purpose.
Eliminating one week a month from your sex life isn't smart if you're wanting to revive your sex life. Besides - life is short. It would be a shame to miss out on an opportunity for physical closeness with your partner just because of a little period.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Breasts
Because men seem to be very breast-focused, a lot of women worry about the size of their breasts. The popularity of boob jobs is a testimony to the value women place on breast size. Some women claim that they have breast enhancement surgery not to attract a mate or please their current partner but to feel better about themselves - but it's the emphasis on breasts by men and by the media that create that need.
If you're a woman contemplating breast enlargement, you might want to consider women who are sexy without double-D's. If you're able to feel attractive and confident in your double-A bra, you won't have any trouble with desirability. In fact, it's probably the boost in confidence following a boob job that accounts for an increase in a woman's sexiness quotient more than the increase in bra size.
There are lots of advantages to small breasts - going braless, jogging with ease, less sag factor, men looking you in the eye instead of in the chest, etc. If you're lusting after bigger breasts, try making a list of all the benefits of being smaller. If you can claim a sense of yourself as a sexy woman without the Dolly Parton look, you're way ahead of the game.
If you're a woman contemplating breast enlargement, you might want to consider women who are sexy without double-D's. If you're able to feel attractive and confident in your double-A bra, you won't have any trouble with desirability. In fact, it's probably the boost in confidence following a boob job that accounts for an increase in a woman's sexiness quotient more than the increase in bra size.
There are lots of advantages to small breasts - going braless, jogging with ease, less sag factor, men looking you in the eye instead of in the chest, etc. If you're lusting after bigger breasts, try making a list of all the benefits of being smaller. If you can claim a sense of yourself as a sexy woman without the Dolly Parton look, you're way ahead of the game.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Does Size Matter?
When it comes to sex and size, 'penis' may be the first thing that comes to mind. But, of course, women may also worry about the size of their breasts and how that affects their desirability. Today, I'll talk about penis size and tomorrow I'll move on to breasts.
Though you've probably already heard that penis size doesn't really matter much when it comes to sexually pleasing a partner, that hasn't put the anxiety to rest for a lot of men who worry about 'measuring up'. The reality is that it does matter to some women - those who enjoy a sense of fullness during intercourse or those who associate a larger penis with greater virility. But there are also women who actually prefer a smaller penis - and most women select small to medium-size dildos for pleasuring themselves. What does that tell you?
If you're a man who's a little less than well-endowed, you can more than make up for what you're lacking by developing skill with your hands, mouth, tongue, and heart. I don't know many women who would trade in a loving, sensitive partner for a man who's well-hung.
Though you've probably already heard that penis size doesn't really matter much when it comes to sexually pleasing a partner, that hasn't put the anxiety to rest for a lot of men who worry about 'measuring up'. The reality is that it does matter to some women - those who enjoy a sense of fullness during intercourse or those who associate a larger penis with greater virility. But there are also women who actually prefer a smaller penis - and most women select small to medium-size dildos for pleasuring themselves. What does that tell you?
If you're a man who's a little less than well-endowed, you can more than make up for what you're lacking by developing skill with your hands, mouth, tongue, and heart. I don't know many women who would trade in a loving, sensitive partner for a man who's well-hung.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Vulva Lesson
Since women's genitals have typically been shrouded in mystery, I thought it might be helpful to specify exactly what we're talking about when we refer to the vulva, especially since it's the vagina that gets most of the attention.
The vulva is composed of the outer lips, the inner lips, the clitoral hood, the tip of the clitoris, the urethral opening, the opening of the vagina, and the mons pubis. The mons pubis is the fleshy mound that's on top of the pubic bone. The inner lips connect to the hood of the clitoris which is why many women like having their inner lips stroked.
When a woman is sexually aroused, the inner lips often swell and open. The clitoris also swells. Did you know that the clitoris is the only organ in the human body whose sole purpose is pleasure? There's a lot of variety in this little structure - on some women, it can barely be seen while others have a clitoris that is very prominent. The variety extends to sensitivity - some are very sensitive while others aren't. Sensitivity can also change depending on the time of the month.
Knowing your sexual anatomy - and that of your partner - is important in maximizing sexual pleasure and satisfaction. Next week I'll move on to little known facts about the vagina.
The vulva is composed of the outer lips, the inner lips, the clitoral hood, the tip of the clitoris, the urethral opening, the opening of the vagina, and the mons pubis. The mons pubis is the fleshy mound that's on top of the pubic bone. The inner lips connect to the hood of the clitoris which is why many women like having their inner lips stroked.
When a woman is sexually aroused, the inner lips often swell and open. The clitoris also swells. Did you know that the clitoris is the only organ in the human body whose sole purpose is pleasure? There's a lot of variety in this little structure - on some women, it can barely be seen while others have a clitoris that is very prominent. The variety extends to sensitivity - some are very sensitive while others aren't. Sensitivity can also change depending on the time of the month.
Knowing your sexual anatomy - and that of your partner - is important in maximizing sexual pleasure and satisfaction. Next week I'll move on to little known facts about the vagina.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Sex - 'Til Death Do You Part
I'm sometimes asked if it's possible to have a great sex life with someone you've been with for 10, 20, 30 years or more. The short answer to that question is YES. The long answer has to do with modifying your expectations and identifying the sexual benefits of being with a long-term partner.
When a relationship is new, the sex is intense and exciting without any effort at all. In an ongoing relationship, there's a different kind of potential. Sex can develop a greater intimacy and comfort, which may even enhance the probability of women having regular orgasms during sexual encounters. But that doesn't mean there's no longer any excitement. Couples who make sex a priority can keep passion alive by occasionally introducing some unpredictability and novelty into their sex lives.
In a long-term relationship, sex is an important way to stay close and connected. Sometimes it will be great and sometimes it will be mediocre, but it's all good when you focus on the intimacy.
When a relationship is new, the sex is intense and exciting without any effort at all. In an ongoing relationship, there's a different kind of potential. Sex can develop a greater intimacy and comfort, which may even enhance the probability of women having regular orgasms during sexual encounters. But that doesn't mean there's no longer any excitement. Couples who make sex a priority can keep passion alive by occasionally introducing some unpredictability and novelty into their sex lives.
In a long-term relationship, sex is an important way to stay close and connected. Sometimes it will be great and sometimes it will be mediocre, but it's all good when you focus on the intimacy.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Sexiest Body Parts
While watching the storm coverage today, I caught a segment of the Today show that reported the results of a survey given to 900 men on what they considered to be a woman's sexiest body part. I don't know who these men were, but their answers seemed a little odd. See what you think:
#1 (42%) - the butt
#2 - the area around the belly button
#3 - the arch of the back
#4 - the back of the neck
#5 - the arch of the foot
#6 - the earlobes
#7 - the back of the knees
OK - I'd like to know where breasts rated on this survey. Were the men just trying to give answers that were not totally obvious? Seriously - earlobes???
I'd like to hear the results of a survey given to women on what they consider the sexiest body part on a man. The women hosting the Today show mentioned abs, jawline, and hands. What's your opinion?
#1 (42%) - the butt
#2 - the area around the belly button
#3 - the arch of the back
#4 - the back of the neck
#5 - the arch of the foot
#6 - the earlobes
#7 - the back of the knees
OK - I'd like to know where breasts rated on this survey. Were the men just trying to give answers that were not totally obvious? Seriously - earlobes???
I'd like to hear the results of a survey given to women on what they consider the sexiest body part on a man. The women hosting the Today show mentioned abs, jawline, and hands. What's your opinion?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Random Facts
I thought you might find it interesting to peek into the sexual practices of other Americans. Obviously they're just the results of what people report in surveys, but it gives some general indication of what's going on in people's sex lives. These facts were reported in the October, 2004 issue of "O" Magazine.
Average number of sex partners an American woman will have in her lifetime: 6.
Average age at which women lose their virginity: 17.
Percentage of women who have sex 2 or 3 times a week: 31.
Percentage who have sex once a week or less: 61.
Percentage of men who say their female partners always have an orgasm during sex: 44.
Percentage of women who actually do: 29.
Percentage of men who enjoy getting oral sex: 45. (huh??)
Percentage of women who love to give it to them: 17.
Average number of sex partners an American woman will have in her lifetime: 6.
Average age at which women lose their virginity: 17.
Percentage of women who have sex 2 or 3 times a week: 31.
Percentage who have sex once a week or less: 61.
Percentage of men who say their female partners always have an orgasm during sex: 44.
Percentage of women who actually do: 29.
Percentage of men who enjoy getting oral sex: 45. (huh??)
Percentage of women who love to give it to them: 17.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Different Kinds of Orgasms?
I've been asked if there is a difference between a clitoral orgasm and a vaginal orgasm. These orgasms may feel different because of what area is being stimulated, but generally speaking, what's going on in the body is about the same. The clitoris is actually responsible for the orgasm regardless of where the stimulation is taking place.
Most of the clitoris is erectile tissue inside of a woman's body, so when internal stimulation feels good, it's actually the nerves and tissue of the clitoris that are getting the action. So it could be argued that there is really only one kind of orgasm. But as long as you're getting there, one kind is all it takes.
Most of the clitoris is erectile tissue inside of a woman's body, so when internal stimulation feels good, it's actually the nerves and tissue of the clitoris that are getting the action. So it could be argued that there is really only one kind of orgasm. But as long as you're getting there, one kind is all it takes.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Male and Female Orgasms
Some people wonder if males and females experience orgasm differently. The research indicates that the experience of orgasm is much the same for both sexes. When researchers asked men and women to write down a description of their orgasms, and all gender-specific references were then removed, the researchers couldn't tell whether the descriptions were written by a man or a woman.
Though a man's orgasm is usually accompanied by ejaculation, he can have 'dry' orgasms if he's able to control his PC muscle. A dry orgasm is one in which he feels the sensation of orgasm but doesn't ejaculate. The advantage of a dry orgasm is that a man can keep his erection and prolong the arousal stage.
One significant difference in male and female orgasms is in what happens afterward. Men have a refractory period following ejaculation in which they are unable to achieve an erection. How long the refractory period lasts is dependent on age as well as on factors such as the newness of the relationship and general fitness levels. Women don't experience the equivalent of a refractory period and are able to have multiple orgasms.
With all the differences that exist in male and female sexuality, it's kind of nice to know that the experience of orgasm is pretty much the same. Now, if the experience of orgasm just provided the same level of motivation for having sex in both men and women...
Though a man's orgasm is usually accompanied by ejaculation, he can have 'dry' orgasms if he's able to control his PC muscle. A dry orgasm is one in which he feels the sensation of orgasm but doesn't ejaculate. The advantage of a dry orgasm is that a man can keep his erection and prolong the arousal stage.
One significant difference in male and female orgasms is in what happens afterward. Men have a refractory period following ejaculation in which they are unable to achieve an erection. How long the refractory period lasts is dependent on age as well as on factors such as the newness of the relationship and general fitness levels. Women don't experience the equivalent of a refractory period and are able to have multiple orgasms.
With all the differences that exist in male and female sexuality, it's kind of nice to know that the experience of orgasm is pretty much the same. Now, if the experience of orgasm just provided the same level of motivation for having sex in both men and women...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The Best Positions
Yesterday I talked about the limitations of intercourse in producing female orgasms. Today I want to mention a few positions that are more orgasm-friendly, which are generally those that allow for more stimulation of the clitoris or create more pressure on the G-spot.
When a woman is on top during intercourse, she has more control over the action and can position herself for maximum clitoral contact. She can move in a style and a rhythm that is more conducive to increasing her arousal, which is ultimately more likely to produce orgasm.
Another position, often referred to as the 'rising missionary', involves the woman being on her back with her feet on her partner's shoulders. If her partner enters her from a kneeling position, he can manually stroke her clitoris while achieving a deep penetration that puts pressure on the G-spot.
And then there's the thing called 'coital alignment technique' (CAT) which involves a man positioning the base of his penis and pelvic bone so that the clitoris receives constant stimulation during intercourse. Then, instead of thrusting, it's a rocking motion that's called for, which creates steady pressure on the area between the woman's pubic bone and the vagina.
Even with these positions, most women will still require some foreplay prior to intercourse if they're going to get to the big "O". It's worth doing some experimenting.
When a woman is on top during intercourse, she has more control over the action and can position herself for maximum clitoral contact. She can move in a style and a rhythm that is more conducive to increasing her arousal, which is ultimately more likely to produce orgasm.
Another position, often referred to as the 'rising missionary', involves the woman being on her back with her feet on her partner's shoulders. If her partner enters her from a kneeling position, he can manually stroke her clitoris while achieving a deep penetration that puts pressure on the G-spot.
And then there's the thing called 'coital alignment technique' (CAT) which involves a man positioning the base of his penis and pelvic bone so that the clitoris receives constant stimulation during intercourse. Then, instead of thrusting, it's a rocking motion that's called for, which creates steady pressure on the area between the woman's pubic bone and the vagina.
Even with these positions, most women will still require some foreplay prior to intercourse if they're going to get to the big "O". It's worth doing some experimenting.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Limitations of Intercourse
When most people think of sex, they think of intercourse. However, intercourse has serious limitations when it comes to female orgasm. A great number of women are unable to reach orgasm through intercourse alone, and most find it difficult without significant foreplay prior to the main event. Standard positions for intercourse simply don't provide enough direct stimulation of the clitoris for orgasm to occur.
The easiest way for most women to reach orgasm is through manual or oral contact with the clitoris. The use of a vibrator is an additional means of stimulation and often brings quick results. Women need to be assertive in asking for the kind of touch that will help them achieve orgasm because if they're not experiencing maximum pleasure and satisfaction, it becomes one more reason to avoid sex altogether.
Orgasm needn't be the holy grail of every sexual encounter, but you'll be a lot more likely to increase your desire if you're getting the most out of your sex life.
The easiest way for most women to reach orgasm is through manual or oral contact with the clitoris. The use of a vibrator is an additional means of stimulation and often brings quick results. Women need to be assertive in asking for the kind of touch that will help them achieve orgasm because if they're not experiencing maximum pleasure and satisfaction, it becomes one more reason to avoid sex altogether.
Orgasm needn't be the holy grail of every sexual encounter, but you'll be a lot more likely to increase your desire if you're getting the most out of your sex life.
Monday, January 19, 2009
The Great Sneeze
I'm back! The book is being submitted to the publisher this week, so now I have a little breathing room for posting on a regular basis. I've received a few questions on orgasms, so that will be my theme for this week.
I'll start with the most basic question: What does an orgasm feel like, and how do I know if I've had one? You can probably guess this question didn't come from a man. Women's sexuality is complex, and these questions aren't surprising given how little permission women have been given to explore their sexual responses.
When I was teaching a lot of sex education classes, I was frequently asked what an orgasm felt like. My usual response was that it's a lot like a sneeze - not the kind that sneaks up on you out of the blue, but the kind that starts with a tickle in the nose. The tickle is followed by a building of pressure and anticipation, and when the sneeze finally 'comes', there's a great feeling of release. An orgasm is a series of contractions that follows a build-up of sexual tension and arousal. Not all orgasms are equally intense, but they're extremely pleasurable and leave you feeling satisfied and relaxed. Once you've experienced one, you'll have no trouble recognizing one in the future.
Now you may never experience sneezing in the same way again!
I'll start with the most basic question: What does an orgasm feel like, and how do I know if I've had one? You can probably guess this question didn't come from a man. Women's sexuality is complex, and these questions aren't surprising given how little permission women have been given to explore their sexual responses.
When I was teaching a lot of sex education classes, I was frequently asked what an orgasm felt like. My usual response was that it's a lot like a sneeze - not the kind that sneaks up on you out of the blue, but the kind that starts with a tickle in the nose. The tickle is followed by a building of pressure and anticipation, and when the sneeze finally 'comes', there's a great feeling of release. An orgasm is a series of contractions that follows a build-up of sexual tension and arousal. Not all orgasms are equally intense, but they're extremely pleasurable and leave you feeling satisfied and relaxed. Once you've experienced one, you'll have no trouble recognizing one in the future.
Now you may never experience sneezing in the same way again!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Questions
OK - I'm still editing my book, but I'm making good progress. One more week, and I should have it completed. For those of you still checking in with me, I appreciate your patience. I'd like to return to posting, but I could use your help. With most of my brain power being devoted to book rewrites, I need some suggestions for posting topics. I'd love to hear the questions I know you're just dying to ask about sex, and I'll try my best to answer them.
Just send me your questions by email - with or without identifying yourself.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Just send me your questions by email - with or without identifying yourself.
I look forward to hearing from you.
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