Couple Confidential

Do you brag to your friends about the latest steamy encounter with your partner - or complain about what they're lacking in the sack? If so, you're compromising the safety needed for real intimacy. Even if you're never found out, the breech of trust affects the sexual relationship because you're sharing something that belongs just between the two of you.

Trust can also be breeched by sharing private thoughts and feelings that you know would upset your partner. If you are having conversations or email exchanges that you would be mortified for your partner to overhear or discover, you need to consider the potential damage of those privacy violations. Intimacy thrives in an atmosphere of openness and full disclosure - and suffers from secrecy.

The relationship with your partner is sacred ground. It deserves safeguarding and the utmost respect.

Protecting Privacy

I posted yesterday about the difficulty of juggling relationships and the need to save some of your 'best self' for your partner. Another challenge presented by outside relationships is knowing how much to share with others about your couple life.

You've probably listened to people complain at great length about their partner's failings or been subjected to intimate details of a friend's love life. What's ok to confide and what's a violation of the couple boundary?

As a general rule, I recommend refraining from criticism and complaints to others about your partner. It's obviously unfair to your partner, and you risk alienating him/her from the people you love. (You will most likely be quicker than others to forgive and forget your partner's crime of the week.)

There is an exception to this no-griping rule. Because many people get stuck in a negaive loop of 'poor me' thoughts when they encounter problems with their partner, I often ask couples to agree on two safe people - one for each of them to confide in. It's usually better for these people to be friends rather than family and it's absolutely necessary that they can be trusted to keep things confidential. It's ideal if they can maintain some degree of objectivity in helping you process the problems and consider generous interpretations of your partner's behavior.

Protecting each other's privacy is essential for your sexual relationship. I'll talk more tomorrow about the couple boundary.

Who Matters Most?

Managing all the relationships in your life requires great juggling skills. But the truth is that you need all those people (or most of them anyway!) to meet a multitude of emotional needs. It's unrealistic to expect your partner to be your sole source of encouragement, advice, validation, and love. Family and friends pitch in to provide a network of emotional support. Sometimes, however, your partner may feel in competition with these other relationships. Seem unreasonable?

Think about the kind of energy you bring to outside relationships compared to the energy invested in your partner. I often hear people complain about a lethargic, distant partner who suddenly comes to life when a friend calls on the phone. Listening to the obvious interest, empathy, and laughter being shared in this conversation, it's no wonder the partner begins to question who really matters most.

If you're presenting your best self to the outside world and collapsing into your worst self when you walk through your front door, your partnership is going to suffer. Don't let your partner get the dregs of your time and energy.

The Happy Factor

Ever think about how much your overall satisfaction - or dissatisfaction - with life affects your sexual desire? Even the daily fluctuations in your mood have an impact on your sex drive. Maybe you've experienced one of those surges of sexual energy after getting a major promotion at work or after winning the big softball tournament.

Worry, disappointment, grief, anger, and sadness often shut down interest in sex whereas excitement, joy, confidence, and serenity are likely to turn it on. Now that may seem pretty obvious, but people often fail to make the connection between what's going on in the rest of their lives and what's going on with them sexually. Sex is an integral part of the self. If you want to recharge your sexual battery, first figure out how to recharge your life. Getting happy may be the best possible cure for a lagging libido.

Talking Matters

What do you talk to your partner about? Probably jobs, kids, politics, family, the room that needs to be painted, etc. We talk about the things that matter to us. Interestingly, the talking itself makes those things figure more prominently in our consciousness. In other words, talking about issues reinforces their importance. You can probably guess where I'm headed with this.

When did you last talk to your partner about sex? When did you last tell your partner how much they mean to you? Interest in sex is fed and maintained by thinking and talking about sex. If you never have conversations about sexuality - yours, your partner's, or the next door neighbor's - sex is more likely to fall off your internal map.

Start noticing what you and your partner talk about. If sex talk is limited to, "Do you want to get lucky tonight?", try recalling and sharing some of your favorite sexual memories. That's with your partner. Even if it doesn't set off any sparks, it will probably be more fun than discussing the new plumbing you need for the bathroom.

The 'Right' Orgasm

When orgasm is the primary goal of lovemaking, the timing and quality of orgasms becomes way too important. Women worry about taking too long and men worry about coming too soon. A woman's multiple orgasms become a measure of her lover's skill. A man's ability to have multiple orgasms is viewed as proof of his virility (though more accurately a proof of his youth). Men and women can both feel like failures if their orgasms are not simultaneous. What is it that we're really trying to prove?

Because our sexuality is an area of great vulnerability, we all want to feel 'good enough'. One of the values of sex within an intimate relationship is that we can drop our need to impress and be truly present in the moment. But even within an intimate relationship, society's sexual indoctrination still takes its toll. When couples are able to talk to each other about their sex lives, they can take some pressure off the need for every sexual encounter to have a preordained ending. Then orgasms can be a delightful component of sex - or not.

The Obligatory Orgasm

In yesterday's post, I wrote about the pressure involved when a man feels responsible for satisfying his partner sexually. In addition to turning men into 'success objects', there are a few more problems with this orientation. One of them is that sexual satisfaction is usually equated with orgasm. The female orgasm becomes the goal, which then puts pressure on a woman to cooperate in reaching that goal whether it's important to her or not. Achieving an orgasm becomes her 'assignment'.

Our society's narrow interpretation of sexuality has created an over-focus on the genitals and made an orgasm the end-all, be-all of sexual encounters. This interpretation cheats us of a full body experience of sex and limits our enjoyment of the flow involved in making love. Orgasms are great, but when they become an obligation and the sole focus of lovemaking, both men and women suffer a reduction in their total sexual capacity.

Success Objects

Men often define themselves by what they do in the world and feel valued primarily for their accomplishments. This achievement orientation is evident in their sexual lives as well. The emphasis of their sexual behavior is on technique, timing, and lovemaking skill - all aimed at delivering an explosive orgasm for themselves and their partner. That's a lot of pressure.

Women may complain of men's sexual selfishness, but in reality, men may not be selfish enough. In their focus on performance, they miss out on the opportunity to just 'be' - to fully experience the flow of the sexual interaction. Sex can be one more project at which men must succeed. As long as men are 'success objects', they will miss out on the richness and intimacy available in sexual union.

Extramarital Sex

The statistics on extramarital sex are alarming. The figures vary, but most surveys report that somewhere around 70% of men and 40% of women have had sex with someone other than their spouse while married. These men and women often report being unhappy with the intimacy in their marriage. It's easy to see the appeal of wandering - an affair offers variety, excitement, and intensity. But does the newness and mystery of extramarital sex really trump the comfort and predictability of marital sex?

Our society has taught us to value excitement over comfort and romance over love, but the best sex of all grows out of the intimacy and safety that only a long-term, committed relationship can offer. Married sex can't compete with affair sex in the clothes-ripping, can't-keep-your-hands- off-each-other department, but it beats affair sex hands down when it comes to rich, intimate, soul-satisfying lovemaking.

Doing 'With'

In the last post, I wrote about arousal as a mutual responsibility. Just as your partner is not solely responsible for turning you on, neither is your partner responsible for 'getting you off'. Our sexual language is full of words and phrases that emphasize one individual acting upon another, as in doing things 'to' and 'for' your partner rather than 'with' them.

That may not seem like a big deal, but the words we use to describe sexual behavior have shaped our experience of sexuality. Women particularly are often portrayed as passive recipients of male sexual acts. Intercourse, itself, is generally described as something males do to females - with the focus on penetration rather than merging. We talk about 'making' someone come or 'giving' someone an orgasm which seems to suggest that the recipient had little to do with it.

The more you engage sexually 'with' your partner, the more satisfied you're both likely to be.

Self Arousal

No, I'm not talking about masturbation. I'm talking about sharing the responsibility for arousal in your relationship. If you're bored with your sex life, it may be that you're relying too heavily on stimulation from without rather than from within. You may believe that too much sameness or familiarity inevitably leads to boredom - which is the danger of not recognizing your potential for generating your own stimulation.

I sometimes hear from people who no longer feel 'turned on' by a partner who has gained weight. These are people who have made their partner the sole source of their sexual feelings. They fail to recognize their capacity for 'seeing' the whole person with more than their eyes. If getting turned on is dependent solely on a partner's appearance, then everyone's in trouble as age and gravity take their toll.

The real issue is whether your relationship turns you on - not whether someone or something turn you on. And the relationship is up to both of you.

Another Difference between Men and Women

I've written previously about stress and the importance of staying in charge of it. But did you know that stress affects men and women differently in the sexual arena?

A woman's desire for sex and physical touch shut down when she's under stress. Some research suggests that the cause of the shut-down is cortisol, the stress hormone. Cortisol blocks oxytocin's action in the female brain which in turn puts a damper on desire. Cortisol apparently doesn't impact a male's desire in the same way - or maybe the impact is overridden by greater levels of testosterone - because men often turn to sex as a stress reliever! Did we really need another mismatch in the way men and women operate sexually??

Information is power. Just knowing this different response to stress can help you and your partner better understand one another - and hopefully find some middle ground when you're both under stress.

Negotiating Differences

Once you've stopped taking your partner's sexual disinterest personally or stopped assuming that all your partner wants from you is sex, you can begin to figure out how both of you can get your needs met. Start by asking each other about the desired frequency of sex and then negotiate a compromise. The lower desire person is often surprised to learn that their partner doesn't actually want sex every day. (They may try everyday but that's because they may feel like it's the only way to get it once a week!)

After deciding on frequency, then talk about how you can make it happen. If you're the person with little interest, share what helps spark your desire. Talk about your preferred startup, favorite time of day, and other conditions that help you relax and get in the mood. Agree to work together to make sex a priority and to save some time and energy for each other.

When you're both working toward a common goal in your sexual relationship, you'll not only grow closer from the enhanced sexual intimacy but will experience less tension and conflict in your everyday interactions. It's worth the effort to make sex work for your relationship rather than against it.

Differences In Desire

One of the most common sexual problems presented by couples in therapy is differences in desire. It's a rare couple who are perfectly matched in the desire department, and the differences can be a major source of conflict. The higher desire partner experiences of lot of hurt and rejection when their overtures are rejected, and the lower desire partner often feels pressured and resentful. It's easy to see how the problem escalates and begins to affect the entire relationship. What's the answer?

First, you have to value the wants and needs of your partner. Make a sincere attempt to step inside your partner's head and understand what their desire or lack of desire is really about. If you're the higher desire partner, explain what you 'get' from making love and why it's important to you. If you're the lower desire partner, explain your difficulty with getting in the mood and what it's like to lack spontaneous desire. Talking without criticizing or attacking is the only path to problem-solving.

Tomorrow I'll post on how to do the problem-solving.

Not Just Boomers

The book I've written on how to hold onto desire and keep sex an important part of your life was originally targeted to boomers. It made sense. Boomers are getting older but wanting to grow old differently than their parents and grandparents. Many are struggling with low desire and a loss of interest in sex. But recently I decided to expand the target audience for my book to include adults of all ages who are wanting to keep their sex drive alive. I made that decision after hearing from a lot of people in their twenties, thirties, and early forties who are also feeling pretty disinterested in sex.

Low desire is clearly not limited to aging boomers. Society has defined sexuality in such a narrow and superficial way that it's been difficult for most adults to become healthy sexual beings. Young adults who are past the romantic phase of their relationship can find themselves in the same boat as the boomers - losing interest in sex and letting passion slip through their fingers. Those adults who are still interested in sex often have partners who aren't. So if you're under 45 and are suffering from low desire, just know that you have a lot of company.

Feel Good Science of Sex

Did you know that most of the brain shuts down during orgasm? That's got to be at least one of the reasons that it's such an intense experience - it takes you 'out of your head'. Then there's the release of oxytocin and vasopressin accompanying orgasm that increase the attachment and closeness to your partner. And, as if that's not enough, seminal fluid contains not only estrogen and testosterone but also dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine - a mix of feel-good chemicals.

Studies indicate that the more often a person has sex, the happier they are. Now maybe happier people are just inclined to have more sex rather than the other way around. But what if all the feel-good chemical and hormonal reactions that go on in your body when you have sex really do make you happier? It may be another reason to make sex a higher priority. And you might make your partner happier as well.

Time and Energy

When was the last time you had a whole day stretching out in front of you and absolutely nothing on your agenda? No work, no errands, no calls to make, no bills to pay - it's one of my favorite fantasies. But have you noticed how we tend to fill up whatever empty time we do have with more activities?

There was a time when I worked full-time and was a single parent of two small children. Now that my children are grown and gone, it seems like I should have plenty of free time. But I've filled those childcare hours with trips to the Y and gardening and writing a book, and it feels like I'm just as busy as ever. Not that being busy is a bad thing - I love the things I've added to my life. But sometimes - alright, a lot of times - I feel stressed and pushed for time and tired. If I don't allocate time and energy for my marriage, it can end up with just the leftovers. And that doesn't make for the greatest sex.

Think about how you fill the 24 hours you have each day. What time and energy do you reserve for your relationship?

Sexual Sanity

It's not easy to be sexually sane in a culture that is sexually crazy. Your sexuality has been contaminated by Hollywood, Madison Avenue, Playboy, Cosmo, religion, parents, peers, etc.
I've posted previously on the importance of challenging your sexual programming. But what is sexual sanity?

It's feeling comfortable with being male or female and feeling comfortable in your body. It's knowing the difference between Hollywood sexy and real people sexy. It's being free to talk about sex with your partner. It's nurturing sexual interest and placing a value on sex. It's bringing a whole self to sexual experiences. It's knowing the difference between lust and love.
That's just the beginning.

The sexual insanity in our culture is ongoing. Keep fighting back - and maybe one day your grandchildren or great-grandchildren will live in a world that nurtures and supports healthy sexuality.

After Bridging the Distance

If your partner holds up their end of the no-sex agreement and stops pressuring you for sex, you'll probably find it a lot easier to start closing the gap and increasing your affection. Take it in stages, gradually increasing the intimacy of your touch.

When you feel ready to become sexual, ask your partner for another time period (of your choosing) in which you'll be the only one to initiate sex. If your partner balks at this arrangement (thinking that you'll never get your engine started), give a gentle reminder that you're making a real effort to improve the sexual relationship and that eventually, both of you will be free to initiate intimacy.

Of course, you do need to actually take the initiative. Don't wait until you feel aroused. Act out of your desire for a closer relationship. Set the stage, set the pace, and ask for what you want and need. Taking the initiative may sound like a lot of effort, but directing the action can be a refreshing change from being directed. Just ask Clint Eastwood.

Restoring Affection

If you've withdrawn affection in order to avoid sex in your relationship, you can probably fit a football field into the emotional distance between you and your partner. So even if you've decided to work on decreasing that distance, you're probably not yet ready to jump back into steamy sex. You need to work up to it.

Tell your partner that you're willing to work on your sexual relationship but you first need to feel more connected. Ask for a no-sex agreement for a set period of time ( usually anywhere from 2 weeks to a month, depending on how far you've drifted apart). That means your partner doesn't push, pressure, or even attempt to initiate sex during that time. Your job during this pressure-free period is to be very intentional in restoring affectionate touch to the relationship. Whether you feel spontaneously affectionate or not. Hold hands, hug, give a neck massage or a foot rub, sit close together on the couch, kiss, etc.

Tomorrow I'll post on what happens next.

The Dance of Avoidance

If it's been a long time since you've been interested in sex, you've probably developed some patterns of avoidance. Not wanting to turn your partner down and face their disappointment or anger, it's a lot easier to make sure it doesn't get to that point. So you stay very busy - you make sure to go to bed either earlier or later than your partner - you pick fights or maintain an icy distance after being wronged - you sleep with a child or a 50 lb. dog between you - you stop being affectionate out of fear that your partner will interpret your affection as sexual interest.

That last one is a real killer of connection in a relationship. Sexual or not, touch is critical to maintaining closeness with your partner. And talk about feeling rejected and unloved - when hugs and kisses and snuggling disappear along with the sex, why wouldn't your partner feel unwanted?

Tomorrow I'll talk about a path back to connection.

James Spader

My apologies to those of you who aren't Boston Legal viewers, but tonight I've got James Spader on my mind. Someone asked me today if I thought James Spader was sexy. Since I'm a big fan of his and since I'm always interested in what people find sexy, I gave it some thought. I was a little surprised to find myself answering 'no'. He's a good actor, nice-looking, a powerhouse in the courtroom - so what's missing? I think it's laughter. I don't know that I've ever seen him with a teeth-baring smile, much less cracked up with laughter.

Maybe that's just me. Laughter wasn't mentioned in the survey of what men and women find sexy, and I'm sure there are those who are turned on by the silent, brooding type. But it seems to me that fun and playfulness and the ability to squeeze every bit of joy out of life are intimately connected to our sexuality. And how can you do all that without laughing?

Getting It 'Right'

I posted yesterday about a woman who was hurt by criticism about her skill as a lover. How do you rate your lovemaking skills? You may not hear much from your partner -which can leave you wondering if you're doing something 'right'. If that's the case, I'd certainly recommend that you start by asking your lover for specific feedback. There are also many resources available - videos as well as books - that provide excellent information on maximizing your partner's pleasure. Videos that provide intimate instruction are often aimed at couples and can be found online or in sex boutiques.

Of course, too much emphasis on getting it 'right' removes you from the direct experience of the moment. So do what you can to improve your confidence as a lover - then relax and enjoy the journey.

Sexual Critiques

I received an email recently from a woman who no longer felt comfortable engaging in oral sex with her partner because he had critiqued her 'performance' and tried to teach her the proper technique for performing fellatio. She was very hurt by his criticism and quickly concluded that she was a failure as a lover.

This critique was probably delivered at a lousy time (like in the middle of lovemaking) and may have sounded a lot more critical than instructional. Giving sexual feedback is tricky business, so timing and tone are very important. But this woman is making a big mistake if she holds onto the hurt and lets it contaminate the sexual relationship with her partner. She can let her partner know how she'd like to receive feedback in the future and challenge herself to be more receptive to learning how to please him. Everyone is different in their sexual responses and preferences. Being willing to listen to your partner's preferences - and express your own - is the best way to improve your love life.

Power and Sexiness

I recently read the results of a survey conducted with hundreds of men and women who were asked what traits they considered sexiest in the opposite sex. Though physical appearance was the initial attraction for most of those who responded, power was next on the list.

Most men said that the women they considered sexy were those that were self-confident, financially and emotionally independent, made decisions on their own, and were comfortable with confrontation. Sounds like powerful women, doesn't it?

Most women said that sexy men were those who took charge, were decisive, could not be controlled, were forceful in their opinions, possessed high self-esteem, and had the ability to emotionally connect. Again, pretty powerful men.

The connection is clear. If you want to be sexier, work on building your self-esteem, increasing your independence, and claiming more power.

Desire Vs. Arousal

Many people confuse desire with arousal - or assume they're one and the same. Arousal is the state of being physically turned on, which usually does create sexual desire. But you can also have desire without being turned on.

Think about the times when you've felt a desire to eat when you weren't really hungry. Maybe seeing a Red Lobster commercial featuring sizzling shrimp and lobster - or reading a recipe for a double chocolate molten cake - or maybe just feeling bored or anxious - lots of things can make you want to head for the refrigerator besides hunger. Just as the desire to eat can exist without the physical sensation of hunger, you can have a desire for sex without physical arousal.

Sexual desire can be a willingness or a want to have sex. Focusing on the thought that sex will be an enjoyable experience and a chance to connect to your partner can increase desire. You may want to limit how often you eat when you're not really hungry, but feel free to indulge sexual desire - with or without arousal.

Internet Porn Cont.'

Internet porn is the crack cocaine of the pornography world. It's always available, there's always something new and different to access, and it's possible to progress from still shots to videos to interactive chat lines and finally, to interactive videos. There's a smorgasborg of sexual behavior to choose from on the internet, including fetishes, sado-masochism, and endless kinky variations on straight sex. All of this novelty and variety is exciting - and is completely controlled by the user.

Internet sex is non-relational so there's nothing to distract users from a focus on their own satisfaction. No messy emotions, no one else to satisfy, no worries about performance - just pure, self-indulgent sexual gratification. Some would ask, "What's not to like?"

The answer to that question lies in the negative impact on relationships when internet porn becomes a substitute for intimacy. The answer also lies in the reinforcement of sex as a purely physical experience, devoid of emotion and spirit. Porn has the potential for dehumanizing sexuality. It should probably carry a warning: Proceed with caution.

Internet Porn

I often get questions about internet pornography - usually couched in concern or worry after someone discovers that their partner has been secretly getting it on with the computer.

Some people use internet pornography the same way they would use Penthouse or an erotic movie - to stimulate desire and fuel their fantasy life. But sometimes it becomes a primary sexual outlet. The woman who has hungered for her partner's touch and mourned the loss of their sexual relationship often feels betrayed, angry, and hurt when she learns that she's been replaced by internet sex. What is so appealing about internet pornography and why are so many people getting addicted to it? I'll post on this question tomorrow.

Love Nest

Before you go to bed tonight, take an inventory of your bedroom. Is there a treadmill you're using as a clothes rack? Piles of magazines you'll never have time to read? Bills that haven't yet been filed? A dresser covered with everything from receipts to luggage tags? If so, you're missing out on an opportunity to have a restful haven from the outside world as well as a relaxing and sensual environment for lovemaking.

Try clearing out the clutter and creating a place of serenity. Make sure the room is a pleasing color and has soft lighting available. Keep the bedroom a television and computer-free zone. Invest in the best quality sheets you can find and have plenty of soft, inviting pillows around. Keep lotions and tissues next to the bed as well as whatever sex toys you and your partner enjoy. Place scented candles around the room and have some music available.

Creating your own love nest increases the odds that you'll use it more often for making love.
Don't forget to lock the door.