Getting Better

Did you ever think that the more you have sex, the better you'd get at it? That's the way it is with most everything else that you do - why would sex be any different? And the better you get at it, the better it gets.

When we're talking sex, what does getting better actually mean? It means getting better at pleasuring your partner, better at receiving pleasure, feeling less restraint and more freedom, being better able to communicate your needs and wants, experiencing a greater range of sexual expression, being able to utilize different arousal styles, connecting on a more intimate level with your partner - all of which adds up to sex that you're a lot less likely to view as one more task to check off your list. It's hotter, more fun, more comfortable, more soothing - one of the great pleasures of life.

If you're still finding reasons to avoid sex, maybe it's time to work on making it something you won't want to avoid.

Sex Experiment

I've started reading Just Do It - the book by the couple who decided to have sex every day for 101 days to see if it would put new life into their marriage. I'm only about 70 pages into it, but I was impressed with some of the planning the couple put into the experiment before it ever got off the ground.

They started with asking themselves what would help them cross the finish line. They took turns in answering the question. The husband expressed a desire for his wife to wear sexy stockings and suggested that they try viewing some porn together. The wife suggested sex toys. She also decided to get a Brazilian and routinely wear lingerie and lipstick to bed. Together they decided to hire someone to help clean the house, go out more often as a couple, read some books on sex, take more baths together, and massage each other. The husband agreed to give up his beloved 15 yr. old sweat pants for the duration of the experiment and to start lifting weights again to get in better shape.

In other words, in brainstorming what would get them through 101 straight days of sex, they ended up with a plan that sounds a lot like what couples do when they're dating. They were not only going to make sex a priority, but they were going to work at presenting their best selves to each other.

What would it take for you and your partner to make it through a 3-month sex marathon? Might make for an interesting conversation.

Getting It Together

Each of the arousal styles I've discussed in the last few days is normal and common. One is not better than another. Though each person may have a preferred mode for getting aroused, it's also common to be comfortable with all three styles. Which style is used may depend on mood, energy level, time available, and how you're feeling about your partner at the moment. You may also move easily between different styles in the same sexual encounter.

Merging the three styles requires an awareness of the differences and a willingness to work with your partner to achieve mutual arousal. It helps if you're tuned into your partner and can sense their availability for your particular preference. When each of you are in a different arousal mode, cooperation and collaboration are needed to enhance each other's pleasure.

It's important to avoid negative interpretations of your partner's style. If your partner goes within to get aroused, it doesn't indicate a lack of love or desire for you. If your partner wants to introduce some novelty into your sex life, it doesn't mean you're no longer a turn-on. Talking about your preferences and sharing why certain things help you get aroused may increase your partner's willingness to better accomodate your style - and you, theirs.

Learning to accept and include different arousal styles in your lovemaking is an important sexual skill. You might have to stretch outside your comfort zone - but that's often where excitement lies.

Role Enactment

The last of the three arousal styles involves using your imagination. It might be a private fantasy or one shared with your partner. It could include role playing and the use of props. If you rely heavily on this style of arousal, you probably like a lot of variety - having sex in different places, using sex toys, dressing in sexy clothing, trying out new positions, watching x-rated movies with your partner, etc.

This arousal style requires an ability to let go and experiment. There's often a sense of playfulness involved, but that doesn't mean it can't be intimate. In fact, there needs to be a great deal of trust and safety in order for both partners to get comfortable enough to try new things.

Maybe you'd like to utilize this style more often in your lovemaking but have a partner who finds it way outside their comfort zone. Heavy pressure, criticism, or complaints are unlikely to create the safe environment needed for sexual exploration. Tomorrow I'll talk about blending the 3 styles.

Partner Involvement Arousal

In partner involvement arousal, the focus is on the other as a means of arousing oneself. For someone pursuing this type of arousal, the romantic connection and the partner's responses are key elements in the sexual interaction. This person tends to be very active and expressive during sex - often wanting lots of communication with their partner. They are often more comfortable in the giving rather than in the receiving role so they are typically viewed as generous and unselfish lovers. However, it is in the giving - and in seeing the partner's response to the giving - that they are building their own arousal.

Sounds like the perfect lover - unless your partner has trouble maintaining their arousal while giving the feedback that you desire. That partner could see you as demanding and controlling rather than giving. Giving what you want to give is very different than giving what your partner wants to receive.

Tomorrow I'll talk about the third arousal style before discussing how to mesh the styles.

Sensual Entrancement

Arousal by sensual entrancement involves focusing on your body's responses during sex. Usually someone pursuing this type of arousal closes their eyes and moves their attention inward. They might seem passive or disconnected from their partner. They are often more interested in sameness rather than novelty and are unlikely to be very communicative.

If your arousal is dependent upon an inward focus, you might find it distracting or even annoying when your partner talks during sex, wants to maintain eye contact, or tries to break the routine with suggestions for new ways of being together. The partner's interaction can disrupt your focus and make it more difficult for you to maintain your arousal.

Your partner, on the other hand, may interpret your passivity and inward focus as boredom, lack of interest, or rejection. If your partner's arousal is dependent upon a passionate connection with you, they may feel frustrated and hurt by your seeming lack of involvement.

I'll talk about partner involvement arousal tomorrow - and later get to suggestions for meshing different arousal styles.

Arousal Styles

According to Michael Metz, Ph.D., there are three general styles of sexual arousal. He calls these three patterns: sensual entrancement, partner involvement, and role enactment. In sensual entrancement, you become aroused by focusing on your own body and your own physical sensations. With partner involvement arousal, your excitement comes from focusing on the connection with your partner and on his or her physical responses. Role enactment arousal involves imagination, fantasy, and role-playing.

All three styles are common and one is not necessarily better than another. Individuals may have a strong preference for one of the styles and use it in virtually every sexual encounter - or they may mix it up, sometimes even moving from one style to another within one lovemaking session. Styles may also change over the course of a relationship. When partners are using different arousal styles, there's the potential for misunderstanding and hurt.

I'll talk a little more in depth about each of the styles over the next few days.

Kinky or Creepy?

When does an unusual sexual practice cross the line from kinky to creepy? Even getting to a definition of 'unusual' isn't easy. Mild bondage? Dirty talk? Cross-dressing? What's normal for one person is way out there for another. Obviously, there's a lot of variation in sexual practices - with some decidedly more adventurous than others. But aside from those differences in what each person finds comfortable, are there sexual behaviors between consenting adults that are pathological?

Sex therapists and other mental health professionals usually consider sexual behavior to be pathological when a specific stimulus or object is necessary for the person to become aroused. For example, if a man can only get turned on if his partner is wearing fur, that's considered problematic because he's not really relating to his partner as much as he is to what she's wearing. People who are compulsive and/or obsessive in their sexual practices tend to have a very narrow range of sexual responses.

The real problem here is that sex gets reduced to a physical act that's both mechanistic and ritualistic. It leaves out the emotional, spiritual, and relational aspects of sexuality - and precludes real intimacy. That may or may not be pathological in your book, but if that's all there is, there's a problem somewhere.

Purity

Ellen Goodman had an interesting column in today's Courier-Journal entitled "The Surgical Re-Virgins". The column is about a trend among some immigrant and Muslim women to have their hymens surgically restored to make them more 'marrigeable'. Of course, the whole business of an intact hymen proving virginity is nonsense to begin with. Women are born with varying degrees of perforation of the hymen, and further perforation can occur through non-sexual experiences.

But biology aside, Goodman considers what virginity and abstinence really mean - not just in Muslim culture, but in our own, as well. Abstinence-only sex education has been our government's big push for a number of years now. Goodman questions whether it's all about protection. She suggests that "...the flip side of purity lectures is the conviction that sex - and the girls who have it - is dirty."

Goodman wonders whether it's hymens that are in need of repair or the whole culture. It's not surprising that people have such a difficult time feeling good about their sexuality. If virginity equals purity, where does that leave all the non-virgins?

Celebrations

This is my 300th post and the first full day of summer - something to celebrate! I hope your summer contains lots of things to celebrate - the first firefly of the season, a new daylily in bloom, a lizard skittering across your deck, a hummingbird feasting on trumpet creeper, 4th of July fireworks....

Summer is also a time to celebrate relationships. Warm weather brings different opportunities for spending time together, whether it's an evening walk, a morning on the golf course, or a much-needed vacation. Do you remember the summers when you were dating? You may have packed a picnic and a cooler and just headed down the road with no particular destination in mind. You might have spread a blanket in the back yard on a warm night and gazed at the stars. You might have even taken a hike in a secluded woods and found a grassy place to make love.

Recreating some of those summer pleasures from your early days as a couple has a lot of power to jump-start your sex drive and increase your connection to your partner. Not to mention that it's a lot more fun than attacking your yard with the weed-eater.

How Much Satisfaction?

How much do you think a good sexual relationship adds to overall relationship satisfaction? 5%? 10%? Most people - especially those who don't care if they ever have sex again - underestimate the role of sex in reported levels of happiness in a relationship. Maybe that's because we all know that good sex, alone, does not create relationship nirvana.

A lot of you have probably had an incredible sex partner somewhere along the way who was absolutely worthless outside the bedroom. Which may lead you to conclude that sex isn't that important when it comes to the person you want by your side when you're raising children, caring for elderly parents, or dealing with a flooded basement.

Just because sex isn't the bedrock of a good relationship doesn't mean it is insignificant in the whole relationship picture. Most surveys show that sex adds 20-25% to relationship satisfaction. But even more compelling is what happens when you take sex out of the picture. Then its role in satisfaction levels jumps to 50-75%! Obviously, not having sex is a major relationship drain - and source of conflict.

You might want to ask yourself how much your sex life adds or subtracts from your relationship. And then ask your partner.

Whose 'Fault'?

It's generally assumed that if a couple's sex life has hit the skids, it's due to lack of interest on the woman's part. But in older couples, that often isn't the case. More often than not, it's men that begin avoiding sex - and it's due to their fear of erection failures. I've written before about this issue, but I want to emphasize here the importance of couple communication when things begin to change in a couple's sexual relationship.

Without that communication, we're left to guess or assume what's going on. Assumptions get us into trouble. A woman whose partner no longer seems to be sexually interested might assume that he no longer finds her attractive or desirable - or worse, that he's involved in an affair. She might go to greater lengths to ramp up her desirability - pay a visit to Victoria's Secret, lose 10 pounds, get a new hairstyle - only to find that her efforts are in vain. What's needed is not new sexual stimulation, but a different approach to sexuality.

Sexuality changes for older couples. There's less urgency connected to it, but there's often more intimacy. It's less dependent on visual stimulation and more dependent on tactile stimulation. It's less about the performance, and more about mutual pleasuring.

If your sex life has ceased feeling 'alive', talk to your partner. Don't place blame. Just figure out together what needs to change to keep physical intimacy a vital part of your relationship.

Testosterone Deficiency

In today's Dear Annie column, a woman wrote about the dramatic difference in her husband after he was treated with testosterone injections to address his testosterone deficiency. She was amazed at the difference in both his sex drive as well as his energy levels.

Men with low levels of testosterone often exhibit symptoms of depression in addition to a diminished sex drive: fatigue, low energy, lack of motivation, and a loss of interest in previously pleasurable activities. A decrease in libido can certainly accompany depression even when testosterone levels are normal, but when a man with no previous history of depression begins dragging around the house and loses all interest in sex, it's worth a trip to the doctor to have his testosterone level checked. If the level is low, treatment is easy and effective. Men usually report significantly increased sexual desire and a general sense of well-being once they're in the normal testosterone range.

Because doctors often neglect to ask about sexual difficulties, it's important to take the initiative in bringing up any changes in sexual functioning. If the testosterone level is normal, then it may be time to be assessed for depression. Depression is also highly treatable - and a healthy sex life may depend on getting in charge of it.

Building a Want

Often when people talk about not having any sexual desire, you get the feeling they see it as something beyond their control. Either you have it or you don't. But just like with anything else, it's possible to build a want.

Let's say you're a smoker. You know there are lots of good reasons why you should quit, but you don't want to quit. If you're going to have any shot at all of successfully kicking the habit, then you have to start by increasing the want factor. You can do that in a number of ways: making a list of all the things you dislike about smoking (your cough, the smell, the complaints from your friends and family, etc.); making a list of what you will gain by quitting (freedom, more disposable income, an easier time breathing, etc.); imagining yourself smoke-free; talking to ex-smokers about how they quit; beginning to challenge your 'can't do it' beliefs; and building a positive expectation.

The same process is involved in creating sexual desire. You start by identifying what you stand to lose by remaining desire-less and what you stand to gain by building desire. You imagine yourself as a sexual person. You begin reading about sex. You challenge the belief that you're just one of those people who will never have much sexual feeling. You begin to build a positive sense of what's possible.

What's possible is a richer, more intimate relationship with your partner, a greater connection to a vital source of life energy, and a more passionate life. That's a lot to want.

Multi-Purpose Sex

Have you ever thought about why people have sex? I know that sounds like a dumb question, but the different agendas people bring to sexual interaction are sometimes a source of conflict. In talking to teenagers about sexuality and decision-making, I often ask why they think teenagers have sex. The answers include pressure from a partner, proving masculinity, rebellion, to feel 'adult', curiosity, and peer pressure in addition to the obvious pleasure-seeking and hormone-driven motivations.

Michael Metz, the author of a study on sexual difficulties, defines five general purposes for adult sex: reproduction, tension release, physical pleasure, individual self-esteem, and relationship closeness. Individuals engage in sex for different purposes at different times - and often engage in multiple purposes simultaneously. If conflict arises when you and your partner are not on the same sexual wavelength, it helps to accept the legitimacy of pursuing different sexual goals. Some clarification of each partner's sexual agenda might also be needed if you frequently find yourself at sexual odds.

The fact that sex can meet a number of different needs is a plus, not a minus. Just make sure it's working as a plus in your relationship as well as in your individual life.

Eroticism

Most definitions of eroticism emphasize the arousal of sexual desire. Maybe it's a lack of eroticism in long-term relationships that contributes to decreasing desire. When a relationship is new, the initial attraction and romance are all that it takes to stimulate desire. At some point, mature eroticism has to kick in to replace the impact of initial attraction.

What is it that makes something erotic? There are as many answers to that question as there are human beings on the planet, but one of the big factors in eroticism is non-predictability. Think about your very earliest sexual encounters with your partner. One of the powerful turn-ons was not knowing what was coming next or how far things were going to go.

Now that you've settled in with your partner, a lot of that mystery is gone. That doesn't mean there can't still be an element of surprise in your love-making. Being non-predictable keeps the passion alive long after the honeymoon is over - and the unexpected doesn't have to be big or elaborate. Simply changing the pace or order of sexual activity is often enough to increase the eroticism. Next time you're being sexual with your partner, try making the outcome uncertain. That's a predictable -and certain - way to make it more erotic.

One-Sided Sex

If you're a woman with little desire or interest in sex, you may think that physically satisfying your partner is holding up your part of the sexual relationship. However, I frequently hear complaints from men about partners who 'just lie there' or seem anxious to 'get it over with'. These complaints are sometimes angrily expressed, but I usually see hurt and sadness not far beneath the anger.

Not only is a one-sided sexual encounter lacking intimacy, it's also a major turn-off for many men. One of the most important aphrodisiacs for men is their partner's arousal. If you're consistently uninterested, unresponsive, and non-orgasmic, your partner's pleasure will be significantly diminished.

I certainly want women to seek pleasure for their own sake - but if that isn't sufficient motivation, they need to recognize the negative relationship impact of one-sided sex. The pleasure women give is directly related to the pleasure they take.

Realistic Expectations

Though I actively encourage couples to make their sex life a priority and to work at keeping passion alive, I also want them to keep their expectations realistic. Not only is the desired frequency not always going to be met, but the quality isn't always going to be spectacular either - even when both partners are working on improving things.

It is unrealistic to expect equal desire, arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction every time you have sex. Barry McCarthy, an author and sex therapist, suggests that a positive, realistic expectation is that 40-50% of sexual experiences wil be good for both partners; 20-25% will be very good for one partner and fine for the other; 20-25% will be in the acceptable but not great range for both; and 5-15% will be disappointing or failures.

When you accept that there will be occasional disappointment or dysfunction in your sexual relationship, you can avoid the guilt or blame that sets up a cycle of sexual frustration and avoidance. The goal is to aim for sexual satisfaction, but be resilient in your recovery from experiences that fall short of satisfying.

Sex Every Day

Two couples have recently written books about an experiment they undertook in their marriages which involved having sex every day - one couple did it for 365 days and the other for 101 days. You may have caught them on the Today Show recently. The books are 365 Nights and Just Do It. I haven't yet read either of them (I'll post a review once I do), but I thought the outcome of the experiments was interesting.

Both couples found having daily sex a challenge. What they discovered though was that it required them to treat each other differently. Their emotional intimacy increased - not just because the sex brought them closer, but because knowing they were going to have sex made it more important for them to be nice to each other. It's pretty hard to keep up a daily sex practice when you're at each other's throats.

The couples also found that they stayed more tuned into each other mentally, emotionally, and physically. There just wasn't the opportunity to become distracted and distant from one another when physical closeness was made a priority.

Obviously, this kind of experiment isn't for everyone, but the results suggest that making a commitment to an active sex life can have a big payoff for your relationship.

Lionness or Lamb?

Old sex role stereotyping tended to define feminine energy as soft, tender, and submissive. If you've bought into that definition, you may not feel very 'womanly' as you go about your day, taking care of business both at home and in the world outside the home. Most women I know are powerhouses of energy. They have to be to get everything done. Does that mean they're not feminine?

I believe that feminine energy is both tender and fierce. As I watch a mother wren tend to her babies nestled inside a planter on my front porch - and then squawk like a crazy thing when I get too near - I'm reminded of the strength behind nurturing. Bringing life into the world and then protecting it from harm are not tasks for the weak or the submissive. I think women have incredible power. That's probably not news to most women (or men), but I'm not sure that power is associated with feminine strength.

When your sense of being female includes power, confidence, and control, you'll bring a very different energy into your sex life. Your partner would probably welcome your inner lionness.

What Is Feminine?

I have a question for my female readers. What exactly does it mean to you to be female? Does female and feminine conjure up images of frills and lace, a soft voice, a submissive posture, and domestic service? Or do you associate the feminine with power, confidence, competence, nurturing, and compassion? Or maybe a mixture of those qualities?

We're in a transitional time relative to sex roles in our culture. Women are now told they can 'have it all' - marriage, children, a career, an active role in the community, etc. Hey, they can even run for president! But women are also still living with more traditional role conditioning - both in their own heads and in the heads of their partners. That affects not only things like the division of labor in the household and in the care of children, but also affects how women feel about themselves. Women often suffer terrible guilt in their quest to have it all. They may begin to question what it means to be feminine in this world of new opportunities and a breakdown of old sex stereotyping.

Think about the times when you feel connected to your femininity. How you define yourself as a female has big implications for your sex life. I'll post more on that tomorrow.

Yo-Yo No Mo'

Has your weight done the yo-yo thing over the last 10-20 years? Lose 10 pounds, gain back 15? At least you're weight isn't being monitored by an international viewing audience of millions. It's got to be tough for Oprah who has not only fought a life-long battle with weight but has done so in the public eye. There have been many times when she has professed that this time she'd made the connection - that it's not about what you eat but it's what is eating you. But then the weight would come right back.

In the June issue of O Magazine, Oprah laments the wasted time and energy she's spent hating herself fat and wanting herself thin. She wishes she had spent that time loving what is. She now knows for sure that she is not her body and not her body image. She has taken to heart not only Eckhart Tolle's message of a new consciousness but has also realized what Marianne Williamson meant when she told her, "In order to lose weight on a permanent basis, you want a shift in your belief about who and what you are."

When you get to a place of full self-acceptance, weight ceases to be an issue. I know - you think you can't accept yourself until you lose that weight. It just doesn't work that way. And until you make that connection, your weight will keep fluctuating and you'll keep letting the scales define your worth. And your sex life will suffer.

Letting Go By Holding On

Many women who have difficulty reaching orgasm believe that the problem is their trouble with 'letting go'. They may be barking up the wrong tree when they try harder and harder to make themselves let go. Kind of like somebody trying hard to be spontaneous. Exactly what does letting go mean?

From what I hear, most people assume that letting go means letting go of control - and that is what they just can't seem to do. They may be holding on for good reason. They may have a history of sexual abuse or other unsafe experiences where letting go would be a disaster. It's only safe to 'let go' when you have a strong grip on yourself. David Schnarch says, "It takes more self-control, not less, to really 'let go'. It's the proverbial 'tight grip on a loose rein.'"

So rather than trying to lose control, it makes more sense to learn to hold onto yourself. It's the only dependable way to feel safe and relaxed enough to follow your feelings into orgasm.

Self-Soothing

I recently posted about 'hugging until relaxed' which is a way to connect to your partner as well as a way to soothe yourself. But the ability to self-soothe - without your partner - is a vital skill in a relationship. Self-soothing involves rediscovering your center when you've been thrown off-balance. It means stabilizing your emotions and not over-reacting to others, especially your partner.

A relationship offers lots of opportunities to practice self-soothing. When your partner lets you down, makes unreasonable demands, or just asserts his/her differentness, it's easy to lose your equilibrium. When you can take a deep breath, quiet your mind, and become comfortable in your body, you can stay connected to your partner even when tension surfaces. You can recognize your partner as a separate individual who experiences the world very differently than you do.

Once you learn to take care of your own heart and mind, you'll be free to care for the heart and mind of your lover. And when you're able to do that, you'll also be free to care for each other's bodies.

Stretching

A difference in desired frequency of sex is not the only source of struggle in many couples' sexual relationship. Having different sexual styles is also very common. Fights erupt over whose style will win out and whose sexual preferences will be incorporated into the couple's sexual life.

In a healthy relationship, both partners are willing to stretch and grow to accomodate each other's needs - in all areas. You step outside your comfort zone and push yourself to do things you wouldn't normally do. You go to your partner's company picnic even though you don't know anyone and would much prefer to stay home and watch a movie. You go to bed a little earlier than you'd like so you won't be comatose when your partner gets you up for a morning run. You give up your nightly bowl of ice cream when your partner is desperately trying to lose weight.

But when it comes to the sexual part of your relationship, you might feel 'entitled' to refuse any behavior that isn't already a part of your repertoire. Of course you have the right to refuse - but an unwillingness to stretch to accomodate your partner's desires often creates conflict and resentment. Not to mention boredom.

When both of you are willing to grow sexually, the intimacy in your relationship increases. That growth also keeps your sexual life vital and satisfying.

Before and After

Have you ever seen a picture of Oprah Winfrey before her stylists have done her hair and makeup? Some years back, Oprah was brave enough to be photographed for an issue of O magazine in her 'natural' state. The difference in the before and after pictures was really amazing. It left me wondering how much time and effort goes into her transformation. Personally, I'm usually showered, dressed, and out the door in a little over 30 minutes. That only allows for a few minutes devoted to makeup and blow-drying.

But makeup and hair-styling help many women feel better about themselves. Should they have to spend an hour in front of the mirror in order to feel ok? Of course not - and those women who can't even run out to the grocery or go for a walk in the neighborhood without putting on their daily 'mask' need some work in the area of self-acceptance. But wearing a little makeup and aiming for an attractive hairstyle is really no different than dressing in flattering clothes. Accentuating your assets and camouflaging your flaws reflect a recognition that, like it or not, looks count. And looking your best reflects a desire to project a positive sense of oneself.

Like anything else, there is wisdom in moderation. The extreme end of beauty enhancement is unnecessary plastic surgery in a quest for the perfect face or the perfect body. For way too long, women have measured their worth by their appearance. But beauty is both fleeting and superficial, so it's a lousy basis for valuing oneself. That doesn't mean we can't give it a token nod. After all, looking good certainly isn't all bad.

Beauty

Decorating and adorning the body are traditions found throughout the ages and in cultures around the world - practiced by both men and women. We are vain creatures, drawn to our reflection in the mirror even when we don't particularly like what we see. We're attracted to beauty in others - that is, what each culture defines as beautiful. There are some attributes of beauty, like symmetry, that seem to be fairly constant. Others change with the times. Of course it's also true that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder".

Attractiveness has payoffs - in the classroom, in the workplace, and in social networks. But the primary investment in enhancing attractiveness has to do with finding - and keeping - a mate. In the animal kingdom, it's often the males that display bright colors and enact elaborate rituals designed to attract females. Maybe that's because for most animals there's only a limited window of opportunity for mating and the males must act while the iron is hot - so to speak.

There are no such limitations on human mating, so the burden of mating rituals falls more on females who have a bigger interest in 'capturing' a male for bonding and family-building. Traditionally, it's women who have had the greater need for protection, so they compete for the men available to provide that protection. Beauty and sexual desirability are the primary tools used in the competition. Tomorrow I'll address whether beauty enhancements are a boon or a bane to women.

Female Enhancements

I've been a feminist ever since I knew what the word meant. For me, feminism is about empowering both women and men to be whole people. In the area of sexuality, feminism is about women fully claiming their sexual selves and it's about men moving beyond performance to incorporate intimacy into their sexual lives.

So is it counter to feminist ideology when women make an effort to enhance their attractiveness with stylish clothes, makeup, pedicures, and curling irons? For some, those enhancements play into the anti-feminist valuing of women as mere sex objects, vying for male attention and approval. They reject anything that isn't 'natural' and demand acceptance for who they are, sans makeup.

There is no question that women have been excessively evaluated based on their appearance. And we are still living with the legacy of women as sexual objects. But I don't believe that enhancing one's attractiveness - whether you're male or female - is a betrayal of feminist values. More on that tomorrow.

Greetings

Do you look forward to seeing your partner at the end of the day? Do you imagine walking into the house with a smile on your face and a warm greeting on your lips? That probably doesn't sound like the world you live in. Maybe your thoughts are more on what to do with the ground beef sitting in the refrigerator or how to ferry one child to soccer practice and still have time to pick up your mom's medication.

The frantic pace of today's world often means that you don't reconnect with your partner until you both fall into bed exhausted at the end of the day. But how you walk into the house or how you greet your partner when he/she walks into the house sets the tone for the evening. It takes a few seconds to make eye contact, smile, and touch one another.

It's only when a couple is glad to reconnect in the kitchen after a hard day's work that they're likely to be glad to reconnect in the bedroom.

Shifting the Focus

"I really don't care about sex anymore. Why should I try to make our sex life better when there are so many things that he just keeps 'forgetting' to get around to? It's easy for me to just 'forget' about sex!"

I've posted about the impact of resentment on sexual desire. Nothing kills sexual interest more quickly in a relationship. But there will always be something that your partner does or doesn't do that you find irritating or frustrating. Sometimes people with little sexual interest use those frustrations as a way to avoid sex. They really don't want to address the problems in their sexual relationship so they keep manufacturing grievances to justify their avoidance. They may not even be aware that that's what they're doing. It's just a lot easier to focus on their partner's deficits than to face their own issues.

You may have legitimate complaints about your partner's behavior. Just be sure you're not using those complaints as a way to shut down sexual action.