Building a Want

Often when people talk about not having any sexual desire, you get the feeling they see it as something beyond their control. Either you have it or you don't. But just like with anything else, it's possible to build a want.

Let's say you're a smoker. You know there are lots of good reasons why you should quit, but you don't want to quit. If you're going to have any shot at all of successfully kicking the habit, then you have to start by increasing the want factor. You can do that in a number of ways: making a list of all the things you dislike about smoking (your cough, the smell, the complaints from your friends and family, etc.); making a list of what you will gain by quitting (freedom, more disposable income, an easier time breathing, etc.); imagining yourself smoke-free; talking to ex-smokers about how they quit; beginning to challenge your 'can't do it' beliefs; and building a positive expectation.

The same process is involved in creating sexual desire. You start by identifying what you stand to lose by remaining desire-less and what you stand to gain by building desire. You imagine yourself as a sexual person. You begin reading about sex. You challenge the belief that you're just one of those people who will never have much sexual feeling. You begin to build a positive sense of what's possible.

What's possible is a richer, more intimate relationship with your partner, a greater connection to a vital source of life energy, and a more passionate life. That's a lot to want.