Have you ever thought about why people have sex? I know that sounds like a dumb question, but the different agendas people bring to sexual interaction are sometimes a source of conflict. In talking to teenagers about sexuality and decision-making, I often ask why they think teenagers have sex. The answers include pressure from a partner, proving masculinity, rebellion, to feel 'adult', curiosity, and peer pressure in addition to the obvious pleasure-seeking and hormone-driven motivations.
Michael Metz, the author of a study on sexual difficulties, defines five general purposes for adult sex: reproduction, tension release, physical pleasure, individual self-esteem, and relationship closeness. Individuals engage in sex for different purposes at different times - and often engage in multiple purposes simultaneously. If conflict arises when you and your partner are not on the same sexual wavelength, it helps to accept the legitimacy of pursuing different sexual goals. Some clarification of each partner's sexual agenda might also be needed if you frequently find yourself at sexual odds.
The fact that sex can meet a number of different needs is a plus, not a minus. Just make sure it's working as a plus in your relationship as well as in your individual life.
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