Realistic Expectations

Though I actively encourage couples to make their sex life a priority and to work at keeping passion alive, I also want them to keep their expectations realistic. Not only is the desired frequency not always going to be met, but the quality isn't always going to be spectacular either - even when both partners are working on improving things.

It is unrealistic to expect equal desire, arousal, orgasm, and satisfaction every time you have sex. Barry McCarthy, an author and sex therapist, suggests that a positive, realistic expectation is that 40-50% of sexual experiences wil be good for both partners; 20-25% will be very good for one partner and fine for the other; 20-25% will be in the acceptable but not great range for both; and 5-15% will be disappointing or failures.

When you accept that there will be occasional disappointment or dysfunction in your sexual relationship, you can avoid the guilt or blame that sets up a cycle of sexual frustration and avoidance. The goal is to aim for sexual satisfaction, but be resilient in your recovery from experiences that fall short of satisfying.