While in the hospital recovering from knee surgery, I was frequently asked to rate my level of pain on a scale from 0 to 10. It seemed like a weird question in some ways since pain is such a relative thing. I'm sure my '8' might rate a '4' from a real pain-hardy type - and how could a number really describe what I was feeling anyway?
Of course, the numbers are not meant to be an objective, accurate measure of discomfort. It's simply a way for medical personnel to get an idea of how each individual is tolerating the pain, and to assess improvement - or lack of improvement - as the healing progresses.
Rating your sexual interest on the same kind of scale can be a convenient, short-hand way of communicating with your partner and negotiating differences in desire. For instance, when there's an opportunity for sex and your partner's interest is an 8 and yours is a 5, your partner may be willing to go the extra mile to help increase your desire. However, if you rate your interest closer to a one or a zero, your partner may easily defer sex for another time. But it needs to work in reverse, as well. Knowing your partner's interest is a 9 or a 10 may help motivate you to ramp up your own desire.
Communicating sexual interest with numbers can bring more clarity to sexual discussions and help depersonalize desire differences.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Desiring Desire
I often talk to people who want to have a better sexual relationship but don't want to put effort into it. What they want is to feel spontaneous desire again. In other words, they want to want sex.
For some, wanting sex is as natural as breathing. Tired, sick, stressed - through it all, they never lose their sexual drive. But for many others, a strong sex drive is experienced primarily during the intense romantic phase of a new relationship. When that romantic phase begins winding down, so does their sexual interest.
There's no magic formula for creating spontaneous physical desire. If you're waiting for a lightening bolt of passion to make you want sex, you're probably going to be waiting a long time. But you have a lot of power in becoming a more sexual being and making sex a joyful part of your life. Working toward that outcome is the first step toward wanting sex.
For some, wanting sex is as natural as breathing. Tired, sick, stressed - through it all, they never lose their sexual drive. But for many others, a strong sex drive is experienced primarily during the intense romantic phase of a new relationship. When that romantic phase begins winding down, so does their sexual interest.
There's no magic formula for creating spontaneous physical desire. If you're waiting for a lightening bolt of passion to make you want sex, you're probably going to be waiting a long time. But you have a lot of power in becoming a more sexual being and making sex a joyful part of your life. Working toward that outcome is the first step toward wanting sex.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Alternative Stories
The stories you tell yourself about why your sex life is bad, boring, non-existent, etc. play a big role in keeping you stuck exactly where you are. The stories may have you playing a starring role as a victim - a victim of lost desire, a victim of your partner's pressure or insensitivity, a victim of a lousy relationship. There are two problems with these stories: they may not accurately reflect the real issues and they fail to point to solutions. You may feel entitled to your victimhood, but it leaves you absolutely powerless to change anything.
When you notice yourself entertaining victim thoughts - which usually start with a harsh interpretation of your partner's behavior - it's helpful to consider alternative stories. Is sex all your partner really cares about or is their sexual interest a bid for connection? Is your own desire truly 'lost' or have you shut down sexually due to stress, exhaustion, or unmet needs in the relationship? Does your lack of desire for your partner mean you're no longer attracted to them or is it fallout from their recent bout of unemployment?
Telling a different story about the problem is the first step in identifying solutions.
When you notice yourself entertaining victim thoughts - which usually start with a harsh interpretation of your partner's behavior - it's helpful to consider alternative stories. Is sex all your partner really cares about or is their sexual interest a bid for connection? Is your own desire truly 'lost' or have you shut down sexually due to stress, exhaustion, or unmet needs in the relationship? Does your lack of desire for your partner mean you're no longer attracted to them or is it fallout from their recent bout of unemployment?
Telling a different story about the problem is the first step in identifying solutions.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Storytelling
If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you've probably noticed that I often refer to the 'stories' that people tell themselves about situations or about a partner's behavior. It recently occurred to me that it might be helpful to explain that concept in more depth.
Human beings are constantly absorbing information from their environment - listening, observing, and taking the pulse of whatever is going on around them. But they don't stop at information-gathering. They interpret the data in a way that makes sense to them, given their life experience up to that point. In other words, they assign a particular meaning to why something has happened. That is the 'story' which, in our egocentric way of experiencing the world, we often confuse for the 'truth'.
The stories you tell yourself about what it means when you lack desire for your partner or what it means when your partner isn't sexually interested will play a major role in how you feel and how you go about addressing those issues. I'll post more on that tomorrow.
Human beings are constantly absorbing information from their environment - listening, observing, and taking the pulse of whatever is going on around them. But they don't stop at information-gathering. They interpret the data in a way that makes sense to them, given their life experience up to that point. In other words, they assign a particular meaning to why something has happened. That is the 'story' which, in our egocentric way of experiencing the world, we often confuse for the 'truth'.
The stories you tell yourself about what it means when you lack desire for your partner or what it means when your partner isn't sexually interested will play a major role in how you feel and how you go about addressing those issues. I'll post more on that tomorrow.
Monday, February 25, 2008
If You Loved Me, You Would...
There are a million and one ways to complete the sentence, "If you loved me, you would.....". Like 'you'd quit leaving your dirty socks on the floor', 'you'd buy me a diamond necklace', 'you'd come home from work earlier', 'you'd lose weight', etc. etc. Or maybe you think if your partner really loved you, he or she would always be eager for sex, regardless of what else might be going on.
People who equate love with sex feel abandoned when their partner isn't interested in getting it on. More than just a bruised ego or hurt feelings, abandonment feels like you've been left in the dust. That puts a lot of pressure on a partner to deliver whether they feel like it or not.
It's dangerous to assume that sex equals love - or vice versa. Your partner may be tired, hurting, depressed, or any number of things that have nothing to do with you. Even the most loving couples aren't always going to be on the same page sexually. Love allows for differences in desire and doesn't over-interpret those differences.
People who equate love with sex feel abandoned when their partner isn't interested in getting it on. More than just a bruised ego or hurt feelings, abandonment feels like you've been left in the dust. That puts a lot of pressure on a partner to deliver whether they feel like it or not.
It's dangerous to assume that sex equals love - or vice versa. Your partner may be tired, hurting, depressed, or any number of things that have nothing to do with you. Even the most loving couples aren't always going to be on the same page sexually. Love allows for differences in desire and doesn't over-interpret those differences.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Recalculating - Part 2
Yesterday I suggested sitting down with your partner and assessing your progress toward joint sexual goals. Part 2 involves an examination of your individual goals.
If you're the lower desire partner in your relationship, you may have challenged yourself to take a more active role in nurturing your desire. If life has continued to get in your way and you still find yourself too stressed, too distracted, and too busy to pay attention to your sexuality, it's time to re-evaluate your goals or get more committed to making lifestyle changes.
Just as it's important to avoid criticism and blame with your partner, it's important to spare yourself the same. Beating yourself up just ends up being disempowering which works against change. Identify what's keeping you stuck and create a more modest goal if needed. The idea is to nudge rather than force yourself in the direction of change.
If you're the lower desire partner in your relationship, you may have challenged yourself to take a more active role in nurturing your desire. If life has continued to get in your way and you still find yourself too stressed, too distracted, and too busy to pay attention to your sexuality, it's time to re-evaluate your goals or get more committed to making lifestyle changes.
Just as it's important to avoid criticism and blame with your partner, it's important to spare yourself the same. Beating yourself up just ends up being disempowering which works against change. Identify what's keeping you stuck and create a more modest goal if needed. The idea is to nudge rather than force yourself in the direction of change.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Recalculating
If you made some sexual resolutions for the new year, this is a good time to do a check-in to see how you're progressing. It's helpful to schedule a time to sit down with your partner and evaluate your progress together. This is not a blame session. Criticizing and blaming each other for failed efforts or lack of progress only sets you further back.
I got a new GPS for Christmas, and I'm having a great time with it. I love how it responds when I fail to follow its directions. It simply takes note of my error and in a neutral voice says, "recalculating". Then it redirects me on my route given my current position.
It would be great if people could exhibit that kind of patience and neutrality when assessing their mistakes and wrong turns on their way toward change. Change is difficult. Sexual behavior and attitudes are often especially resistant to change. Give yourself lots of permission to go slowly and to do lots of 'recalculating' as you work toward improving your sex life.
I got a new GPS for Christmas, and I'm having a great time with it. I love how it responds when I fail to follow its directions. It simply takes note of my error and in a neutral voice says, "recalculating". Then it redirects me on my route given my current position.
It would be great if people could exhibit that kind of patience and neutrality when assessing their mistakes and wrong turns on their way toward change. Change is difficult. Sexual behavior and attitudes are often especially resistant to change. Give yourself lots of permission to go slowly and to do lots of 'recalculating' as you work toward improving your sex life.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Sex Soundtrack
Once you can visualize the sex life you want, you might want to try adding a soundtrack to it. Music is a very powerful conduit to your emotions. Many of your favorite movies would lose a lot of their appeal if you took away the music that evokes particular moods and sensations.
What kind of music turns you on? It may not be the romantic genre at all. It could be blues, jazz, the Rolling Stones, Willie Nelson, etc. It's whatever stirs your passion at a physical and emotional level. The power to rouse your passion could come from memories associated with the music, a certain beat, suggestive lyrics, the sexiness of the vocalist, or something undefinable that just happens to put you in the mood.
Music can be far more than a pleasant backdrop to a romantic interlude. Just as the early critics of Elvis feared, it might be the path to that interlude.
What kind of music turns you on? It may not be the romantic genre at all. It could be blues, jazz, the Rolling Stones, Willie Nelson, etc. It's whatever stirs your passion at a physical and emotional level. The power to rouse your passion could come from memories associated with the music, a certain beat, suggestive lyrics, the sexiness of the vocalist, or something undefinable that just happens to put you in the mood.
Music can be far more than a pleasant backdrop to a romantic interlude. Just as the early critics of Elvis feared, it might be the path to that interlude.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Visualization
An Olympic athlete poised for a back flip from the diving platform - the pause of a gymnast prior to a stunning floor routine - ever wonder what goes through their minds in those moments before launching an award-winning performance? In interviews I've heard with athletes, they often describe visualizing the upcoming event, move by move, with perfect execution. The more clearly they visualize the perfect moves, the closer they come to matching that perfection in their performance.
Can you visualize a vibrant, satisfying sex life? Can you visualize yourself and your partner as a sexy, passionate couple? If you draw a blank when you try to summon that visualization, you're unlikely to make much progress in revitalizing your sex life.
Visualization enables you to identify what you want and gives you the opportunity for a mental dress rehearsal. Sexual visualization is good preparation for creating the sex life you want.
Can you visualize a vibrant, satisfying sex life? Can you visualize yourself and your partner as a sexy, passionate couple? If you draw a blank when you try to summon that visualization, you're unlikely to make much progress in revitalizing your sex life.
Visualization enables you to identify what you want and gives you the opportunity for a mental dress rehearsal. Sexual visualization is good preparation for creating the sex life you want.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Journaling
If you haven't had much success in jumpstarting your sex drive, you may want to try doing some journaling. Writing about your lack of sexual interest might seem like a strange way to increase desire, but putting your thoughts down on paper is often very helpful in identifying possible blocks and resistance to solving the problem. You're also more likely to generate solutions.
When you simply think about the problem, your thoughts tend to be very circular. You start off thinking, "I just don't care about sex anymore", you go off on a couple of related tangents, and then come right back to "I just don't care about sex anymore." When you write, you use a part of the brain that is more linear so you tend to make more progress. In writing, you also get a little distance from the feeling part of the problem. That distance usually helps new ideas emerge. You might actually find that pen and paper are your best tools yet for rediscovering passion.
When you simply think about the problem, your thoughts tend to be very circular. You start off thinking, "I just don't care about sex anymore", you go off on a couple of related tangents, and then come right back to "I just don't care about sex anymore." When you write, you use a part of the brain that is more linear so you tend to make more progress. In writing, you also get a little distance from the feeling part of the problem. That distance usually helps new ideas emerge. You might actually find that pen and paper are your best tools yet for rediscovering passion.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Pain and Sexual Desire
Back in December I posted about the impact of pain on sexual functioning. What I didn't discuss was the impact of pain on sexual desire. As I recover from my knee surgery, I've been reminded that when you're hurting, you're often not in the mood for a LOT of things - including sex.
At a time when most people need more support and care than ever, the irritability and impatience created by discomfort can cause distance in a relationship. Pain tends to be isolating. You not only feel sorry for yourself, but also feel that your partner can't possibly understand or relate to what you're going through. And the truth is, they can't. They may empathize, but they can't really know what you're feeling.
I'm fortunate that my pain is temporary and that healing should bring relief over the next few weeks. If you have pain that is chronic, you may need to guard against pushing your partner away. Ask for their patience when you have precious little of it and look for ways to nurture intimacy. Though pain may put a hex on your desire, sex can provide both comfort and a few moments of escape from hurt.
At a time when most people need more support and care than ever, the irritability and impatience created by discomfort can cause distance in a relationship. Pain tends to be isolating. You not only feel sorry for yourself, but also feel that your partner can't possibly understand or relate to what you're going through. And the truth is, they can't. They may empathize, but they can't really know what you're feeling.
I'm fortunate that my pain is temporary and that healing should bring relief over the next few weeks. If you have pain that is chronic, you may need to guard against pushing your partner away. Ask for their patience when you have precious little of it and look for ways to nurture intimacy. Though pain may put a hex on your desire, sex can provide both comfort and a few moments of escape from hurt.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Sex and Happiness
There are a lot of different ideas out there about what goes into creating a happy life. I don't think many people would disagree, however, that the state of your primary relationship is a big factor in your happiness - or lack of it.
So how much do you think good sex contributes to the happiness in a relationship? I recently saw a quote from studies conducted at Dartmouth and the University of Warwick that "...increasing intercourse from once a month to once a week is equivalent to the amount of happiness generated by getting an additional $50,000 in income for the average American."
I know a lot of people who would argue with that conclusion - and who would gladly give up some sex for that amount of extra income - but it's interesting to at least consider how much value sex adds to your life. If quadrupling the frequency of sex in your relationship wouldn't equate to $50,000 worth of happiness, how much would it be worth to you? How about to your partner? If sex isn't a big priority for you but it is to your partner, how would your partner's increased satisfaction affect your happiness?
Though you can't really quantify happiness, it might be worthwhile to consider what role sex plays in it.
So how much do you think good sex contributes to the happiness in a relationship? I recently saw a quote from studies conducted at Dartmouth and the University of Warwick that "...increasing intercourse from once a month to once a week is equivalent to the amount of happiness generated by getting an additional $50,000 in income for the average American."
I know a lot of people who would argue with that conclusion - and who would gladly give up some sex for that amount of extra income - but it's interesting to at least consider how much value sex adds to your life. If quadrupling the frequency of sex in your relationship wouldn't equate to $50,000 worth of happiness, how much would it be worth to you? How about to your partner? If sex isn't a big priority for you but it is to your partner, how would your partner's increased satisfaction affect your happiness?
Though you can't really quantify happiness, it might be worthwhile to consider what role sex plays in it.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Sexual Regrets
I'm recuperating from surgery and feeling just a little foggy from the pain meds. At least that's my excuse if I don't make sense over the next couple of days.
Recently I was thinking about regrets. Maybe that's just because I was getting ready to go under the knife, but I was thinking specifically about sexual regrets. Not the one-night-stand-with-a-virtual-stranger kind of regrets, but the times when my behavior may have been hurtful to the sexual relationship with my partner.
I've talked before about the sexual wounding that occurs in relationships. If you've been hurt, your partner's transgressions are undoubtedly very clear to you. But have you taken the time to think about how your 0wn behavior may have caused pain to your partner?
The purpose for recognizing the ways that you may taint the sexual relationship is to commit to doing it differently in the future. Beating yourself up will not help you change but being more conscious CAN help you change. Taking time to reflect and root out potentially hurtful behavior is part of keeping a sexual relationship strong.
Recently I was thinking about regrets. Maybe that's just because I was getting ready to go under the knife, but I was thinking specifically about sexual regrets. Not the one-night-stand-with-a-virtual-stranger kind of regrets, but the times when my behavior may have been hurtful to the sexual relationship with my partner.
I've talked before about the sexual wounding that occurs in relationships. If you've been hurt, your partner's transgressions are undoubtedly very clear to you. But have you taken the time to think about how your 0wn behavior may have caused pain to your partner?
The purpose for recognizing the ways that you may taint the sexual relationship is to commit to doing it differently in the future. Beating yourself up will not help you change but being more conscious CAN help you change. Taking time to reflect and root out potentially hurtful behavior is part of keeping a sexual relationship strong.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Knee Replacement
I just can't get myself to focus on sex tonight as my thoughts are on the knee surgery I'm having tomorrow at 7:00 a.m. Unfortunately, the only bed action I'll be getting this Valentine's Day will be with a machine that lifts my leg up and down. Not exactly my idea of exciting.
If you're interested, you can catch an interview with me on WAVE 3 TV news at 6:00 p.m. and 11:00 p.m. on Valentine's Day. I'll be talking about low desire and strategies for keeping your drive alive. The 11:00 segment will be a little longer. There will also be some couples talking about their struggle with holding onto desire.
I'll be taking a forced break from blogging for the next several days. Hopefully I'll be back to posting over the weekend. Have a hot and romantic Valentine's Day!
If you're interested, you can catch an interview with me on WAVE 3 TV news at 6:00 p.m. and 11:00 p.m. on Valentine's Day. I'll be talking about low desire and strategies for keeping your drive alive. The 11:00 segment will be a little longer. There will also be some couples talking about their struggle with holding onto desire.
I'll be taking a forced break from blogging for the next several days. Hopefully I'll be back to posting over the weekend. Have a hot and romantic Valentine's Day!
Monday, February 11, 2008
Changing the Viewing
If you've tried turning a blind eye to your lover's physical imperfections but just can't get past them, it's time to open your eyes a little wider. The problem often originates from a narrowing of the vision that focuses on flaws to the exclusion of the whole picture. It's what people often do to themselves when they stand naked in front of a full-length mirror. Few people fare well under that kind of negative scrutiny.
Try focusing not only on the whole body but on the physical aspects of your partner you find most appealing. Utilize your mind's incredible capacity for fantasy and illusion. See what you want to see.
Ask yourself whether your physical turn-off may have more to do with anger or resentment about other issues in the relationship. Just as every annoying habit of your partner is more annoying when you're on the outs, so are physical flaws going to be magnified from a place of disconnection.
Taking ownership of the problem is the first step in getting turned back on. Changing yourself can do a lot to change your viewing of your partner.
Try focusing not only on the whole body but on the physical aspects of your partner you find most appealing. Utilize your mind's incredible capacity for fantasy and illusion. See what you want to see.
Ask yourself whether your physical turn-off may have more to do with anger or resentment about other issues in the relationship. Just as every annoying habit of your partner is more annoying when you're on the outs, so are physical flaws going to be magnified from a place of disconnection.
Taking ownership of the problem is the first step in getting turned back on. Changing yourself can do a lot to change your viewing of your partner.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Turned Off?
I sometimes hear from people who attribute their loss of desire to a partner's weight gain or other changes in their partner's appearance. They may attempt to justify the turn-off they feel, or they may feel terribly guilty and shallow.
There's no arguing that appearance is a significant factor in your initial attraction to someone. You're unlikely to feel much sexual desire for someone you don't find attractive. It's hardly reasonable, however, to expect that your partner is always going to look the same as the day you met. If desire diminishes with every pound, wrinkle, and scar that accrues, then everyone's in trouble.
Intimacy changes how you see your partner. Looking through a lens of love, you see far more than a physical body. It's a forgiving lens. But what if that lens fails you and you do find yourself focusing on your lover's flaws? Tomorrow I'll talk about some strategies for changing your vision.
There's no arguing that appearance is a significant factor in your initial attraction to someone. You're unlikely to feel much sexual desire for someone you don't find attractive. It's hardly reasonable, however, to expect that your partner is always going to look the same as the day you met. If desire diminishes with every pound, wrinkle, and scar that accrues, then everyone's in trouble.
Intimacy changes how you see your partner. Looking through a lens of love, you see far more than a physical body. It's a forgiving lens. But what if that lens fails you and you do find yourself focusing on your lover's flaws? Tomorrow I'll talk about some strategies for changing your vision.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
The Right to Say No
I've posted previously on non-hurtful ways to decline an unwanted sexual invitation from your partner. I was recently reminded, however, that some people believe that 'yes' is the only really acceptable response to a partner's invite. This belief is based on the idea that it is the responsibility of each partner to accomodate the other's sexual desire.
The problem with this thinking is that it doesn't account for accomodation of the partner who lacks sexual desire. The accomodation only goes one way. I'm not arguing against the need for each partner to give a little -and sometimes a lot - in negotiating differences in desire. I am arguing for the right of either partner to say 'no'.
Without the freedom to say no, you're not truly free to say yes. Intimacy demands the freedom to say either.
The problem with this thinking is that it doesn't account for accomodation of the partner who lacks sexual desire. The accomodation only goes one way. I'm not arguing against the need for each partner to give a little -and sometimes a lot - in negotiating differences in desire. I am arguing for the right of either partner to say 'no'.
Without the freedom to say no, you're not truly free to say yes. Intimacy demands the freedom to say either.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Tackling the 'Problem'
Addressing sexual problems is tough because of the sensitivity and vulnerability people feel about their sexuality. Yesterday I talked about solution-oriented questions as a way of opening up a dialogue about sexual issues. Another helpful strategy is to think of a problem as the problem rather than a person as the problem.
That may sound strange, but you tend to make a lot more progress when you step out of a blaming mode and see problems as something to be solved together. You take whatever either one of you is struggling with internally and put it out on the table. You externalize the problem. Once the problem is 'out there', the couple owns it rather than either individual owning it.
Mutual ownership of sexual problems in a relationship makes problem-solving a whole lot easier. Together, you work toward reclaiming the sex life you want from the clutches of the problem.
That may sound strange, but you tend to make a lot more progress when you step out of a blaming mode and see problems as something to be solved together. You take whatever either one of you is struggling with internally and put it out on the table. You externalize the problem. Once the problem is 'out there', the couple owns it rather than either individual owning it.
Mutual ownership of sexual problems in a relationship makes problem-solving a whole lot easier. Together, you work toward reclaiming the sex life you want from the clutches of the problem.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
A Solution-Focused Approach
In the last post I recommended using requests rather than complaints to improve your sex life. Another change strategy is asking solution-oriented questions - in other words, asking questions that help you discover solutions to sexual problems.
The following questions give you an idea of how you might approach your partner to discuss your sexual relationship.
What do you like the most about our sex life?
What do you like the least?
What is one thing that would add to your enjoyment of sex?
What would need to change for you to have the sexual relationship you want?
These questions are non-critical and non-threatening. The answers to the questions provide important clues to increasing sexual satisfaction. If it's difficult to get this conversation started, each of you could first write out your responses to the questions and then share what you've written. Or try doing it through email. Just starting this kind of dialogue is a big step toward creating the sex life that both of you want.
The following questions give you an idea of how you might approach your partner to discuss your sexual relationship.
What do you like the most about our sex life?
What do you like the least?
What is one thing that would add to your enjoyment of sex?
What would need to change for you to have the sexual relationship you want?
These questions are non-critical and non-threatening. The answers to the questions provide important clues to increasing sexual satisfaction. If it's difficult to get this conversation started, each of you could first write out your responses to the questions and then share what you've written. Or try doing it through email. Just starting this kind of dialogue is a big step toward creating the sex life that both of you want.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Asking Vs. Griping
When it comes to sex, many people are clearer about what they don't want than what they do want. It's a lot easier to complain than to ask for what you want. If you're unhappy with your sexual relationship, change will be more likely if you begin turning your complaints into requests.
Instead of "the only time you're affectionate is when you want sex", try "could you be affectionate sometimes when it's not about sex?" Instead of "you never want to try anything new in bed", try "is there a way I can make it easier for you to experiment a little?"
Making requests is tough because you make yourself vulnerable. You might hear 'no'. There's less vulnerability in being a critic, but criticism pretty much guarantees a negative response. It's really about asking - not telling.
Instead of "the only time you're affectionate is when you want sex", try "could you be affectionate sometimes when it's not about sex?" Instead of "you never want to try anything new in bed", try "is there a way I can make it easier for you to experiment a little?"
Making requests is tough because you make yourself vulnerable. You might hear 'no'. There's less vulnerability in being a critic, but criticism pretty much guarantees a negative response. It's really about asking - not telling.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Getting Angry
For lots of people in relationships, anger is a dirty word. They just want all the good stuff - understanding, harmony, intimacy, sex, etc. When conflict erupts, they run or shut down. They haven't experienced any positive outcome from anger so they avoid it at all costs. They haven't learned that anger has a place in every relationship.
Loving someone - and living with them - is the hardest thing anyone will ever do. No matter how much you love someone, encountering and negotiating differences is nasty business. The power struggle over whose needs get met can produce some pretty intense anger. If anger is viewed as an unacceptable rupture in the relationship, it doesn't go away - it simply goes underground. The unaddressed anger festers and lingers. There's no opportunity for resolution.
Conflict is messy - it creates an awareness of how separate we really are - but moving through it is reason for celebration. Resolving conflict increases intimacy - and creates an opportunity for great make-up sex.
Loving someone - and living with them - is the hardest thing anyone will ever do. No matter how much you love someone, encountering and negotiating differences is nasty business. The power struggle over whose needs get met can produce some pretty intense anger. If anger is viewed as an unacceptable rupture in the relationship, it doesn't go away - it simply goes underground. The unaddressed anger festers and lingers. There's no opportunity for resolution.
Conflict is messy - it creates an awareness of how separate we really are - but moving through it is reason for celebration. Resolving conflict increases intimacy - and creates an opportunity for great make-up sex.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Valentine Celebrations
One last post on Valentine's Day. Along with gift-giving, you may be planning a special celebration with your partner - going out for a romantic dinner, attending a dance, heading out of town for a weekend getaway, or drinking a glass of wine in front of the fireplace.
If you're the lower desire person in your relationship, this is a great occasion for putting some effort into creating an evening of intimacy. Rather than the routine sex that you both usually settle for, this is the time to pull out all the stops. Candles, music, chocolate-covered strawberries, fresh sheets, etc. Your interest and investment in making love will be the best gift you can give your partner.
If you're the higher desire partner, this is not the time to make a big play for a night of hot sex. That will simply feel like more pressure. Your gift is focusing on the emotional intimacy which may be more important to your partner.
Hopefully, both kinds of giving will lead to great Valentine sex.
If you're the lower desire person in your relationship, this is a great occasion for putting some effort into creating an evening of intimacy. Rather than the routine sex that you both usually settle for, this is the time to pull out all the stops. Candles, music, chocolate-covered strawberries, fresh sheets, etc. Your interest and investment in making love will be the best gift you can give your partner.
If you're the higher desire partner, this is not the time to make a big play for a night of hot sex. That will simply feel like more pressure. Your gift is focusing on the emotional intimacy which may be more important to your partner.
Hopefully, both kinds of giving will lead to great Valentine sex.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
The Thought that Counts
Some years ago, a friend and I went to the state fair and spent considerable time browsing among the art and photography exhibits. I pointed out a piece of art that I especially liked that incorporated one of my favorite quotes. On my birthday a few weeks later, my friend surprised me with a replica of the artwork. I was touched not just by the special gift but by the effort that went into obtaining it. It still in the top ten of my favorite gifts ever.
Whether it's front-row tickets to a pro football game or a spa afternoon for a beleaguered new mother, gifts that delight take thought. Not necessarily a lot of money. It could be a pile of clutter finally cleared off the dining room table or a collage of phrases that describe your lover cut out from magazines and glued to a card. It could even be a certificate good for 20 after-dinner walks if that's something your partner has been bugging you to do.
What do thoughtful gifts have to do with your sex life? In giving and receiving gifts that reflect knowledge of your partner, you create more intimacy. Intimacy isn't guaranteed to boost your sex drive, but it certainly puts you in range.
Whether it's front-row tickets to a pro football game or a spa afternoon for a beleaguered new mother, gifts that delight take thought. Not necessarily a lot of money. It could be a pile of clutter finally cleared off the dining room table or a collage of phrases that describe your lover cut out from magazines and glued to a card. It could even be a certificate good for 20 after-dinner walks if that's something your partner has been bugging you to do.
What do thoughtful gifts have to do with your sex life? In giving and receiving gifts that reflect knowledge of your partner, you create more intimacy. Intimacy isn't guaranteed to boost your sex drive, but it certainly puts you in range.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Giving from Knowing
One of the best ways to let your partner know how important they are to you is to give a gift or perform a service that reflects their specific wants and needs. That requires listening carefully and paying attention which is why the gift makes the recipient feel special.
Women, in general, tend to be better at this kind of gift-giving than men since women have been conditioned to be closely tuned into the needs of others. Men, stereotypically, have been the ones that rush out the day before a special occasion and ask a salesclerk for suggestions on what to get for their special person. These gifts often go over like lead balloons.
Meaningful gifts come from knowing someone. Giving candy to someone trying to lose weight or sexy lingerie to someone tired of being pressured for sex conveys a lack of knowledge and awareness of what is important to them. "It's the thought that counts" is a way overdone cliche, but it's often used to excuse a lack of thought. Ignorance of what someone would appreciate as a gift is no excuse at all when the someone is your lover.
Women, in general, tend to be better at this kind of gift-giving than men since women have been conditioned to be closely tuned into the needs of others. Men, stereotypically, have been the ones that rush out the day before a special occasion and ask a salesclerk for suggestions on what to get for their special person. These gifts often go over like lead balloons.
Meaningful gifts come from knowing someone. Giving candy to someone trying to lose weight or sexy lingerie to someone tired of being pressured for sex conveys a lack of knowledge and awareness of what is important to them. "It's the thought that counts" is a way overdone cliche, but it's often used to excuse a lack of thought. Ignorance of what someone would appreciate as a gift is no excuse at all when the someone is your lover.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Valentine Angst
Valentine 'stuff' has been in the stores for weeks, but now that February has officially arrived it's time to get serious about planning for the big day. Of course you could say that Valentine's Day is really just a Hallmark holiday and a chance for stores to hawk everything from red boxer shorts to chocolate roses. But unless you and your lover both share that point of view, you might want to think about how to use the occasion to express more romantic sentiments.
Despite its commercialization, Valentine's Day is the only day set aside for celebrating couples and romantic love. It would be a shame to pass up an opportunity to let your partner know how much they mean to you. Some folks, though, approach Feb. 14th with a sense of dread. They're afraid of 'blowing it' and getting the deep freeze instead of a romantic thaw.
Over the next few days, I'll post suggestions for making the most of this 'season of love'.
Despite its commercialization, Valentine's Day is the only day set aside for celebrating couples and romantic love. It would be a shame to pass up an opportunity to let your partner know how much they mean to you. Some folks, though, approach Feb. 14th with a sense of dread. They're afraid of 'blowing it' and getting the deep freeze instead of a romantic thaw.
Over the next few days, I'll post suggestions for making the most of this 'season of love'.
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