The stories you tell yourself about why your sex life is bad, boring, non-existent, etc. play a big role in keeping you stuck exactly where you are. The stories may have you playing a starring role as a victim - a victim of lost desire, a victim of your partner's pressure or insensitivity, a victim of a lousy relationship. There are two problems with these stories: they may not accurately reflect the real issues and they fail to point to solutions. You may feel entitled to your victimhood, but it leaves you absolutely powerless to change anything.
When you notice yourself entertaining victim thoughts - which usually start with a harsh interpretation of your partner's behavior - it's helpful to consider alternative stories. Is sex all your partner really cares about or is their sexual interest a bid for connection? Is your own desire truly 'lost' or have you shut down sexually due to stress, exhaustion, or unmet needs in the relationship? Does your lack of desire for your partner mean you're no longer attracted to them or is it fallout from their recent bout of unemployment?
Telling a different story about the problem is the first step in identifying solutions.
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