Turned Off?

I sometimes hear from people who attribute their loss of desire to a partner's weight gain or other changes in their partner's appearance. They may attempt to justify the turn-off they feel, or they may feel terribly guilty and shallow.

There's no arguing that appearance is a significant factor in your initial attraction to someone. You're unlikely to feel much sexual desire for someone you don't find attractive. It's hardly reasonable, however, to expect that your partner is always going to look the same as the day you met. If desire diminishes with every pound, wrinkle, and scar that accrues, then everyone's in trouble.

Intimacy changes how you see your partner. Looking through a lens of love, you see far more than a physical body. It's a forgiving lens. But what if that lens fails you and you do find yourself focusing on your lover's flaws? Tomorrow I'll talk about some strategies for changing your vision.